My 3 Year Old Is Out of Control

It sounds like he's very active. Do you get out of the house and give him plenty of action time? Time to run out his steam?

My method of dealing with any misbehavior when ds was younger was this:
1. Give information/instructions: Don't get into the toothpaste, I'm really upset that I have to spend time cleaning up this mess now.
2. Honor the impulse: find out what impulse was BEHIND the action. The action was not acceptable, but the impulse behind it was legitimate. Was he doing it because he was experimenting? Is he trying to get more attention? Does he like your reaction?
3. Find acceptable alternatives that honor the impulse: If its an experiment, maybe make some playdough with him. If he's trying to get attention, tell him that if he wants to play with you to come to you and say "let's play." If he likes your reaction, then start getting crazy/funny about things that are ok (Oh you better not be giving me kisses! no no no!!!)

At 3, I also asked ds to help me clean up any mess he made. If he said no, I told him that I was not happy about it, but left it at that. Afterwards, I told him that I had wanted him to clean it up but he didn't, so I had to do it myself. He cried the time I did that, and over time has been much more likely to help or do it himself.

Your child needs connection, not punishment. I'm quite certain that the punishment is making this situation worse, and not better. It's widening the gap.
Connection is the best source of discipline.
Punishment, at best, makes children behave for self centered reasons. For example: "I won't hit the dog because *I* don't want a time out" as opposed to "I won't hit the dog because she doesn't like to be hit."
It also causes them to think of it as a payment for their actions. So if dc hits the dog, and gets a time out, the hitting is "paid for" and there is no guilt left for the dc to think on. It's gone, and they are free to do it again as long as they are willing to "pay" for it again.

"We punish him by standing him in the corner, putting him in time out and sending him to his room nothing works."
Time out and it's variants are punishments that are based on separation and disconnection.

I highly recommend Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. The discipline sections give a lot of concrete information about what to do with misbehavior. It was my lifesaver when ds was younger!

Another book you may like is Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids--from Toddlers to Preteens--Without Threats or Punishment

you have to be consistant... if you keep changing what happens when he does this or that, he won't know what to expect.

I know it is a very hard thing to do... but it really works... and you need to sit down with him and tell him that THIS is going to happen if YOU DO THIS. Discuss the consequences with your hubby first so you are both on the same page and know what to do when____

R.,
I can empathize with you completely. Although my three yr old (two at the time our twins were born) never acted out quite like your son, he did try to get our attention. Children will take any kind of attention that you give them~ positive OR negative. I know you are extremely busy! I have a 7, 5,3 , and 7 month old twins...........there are days when I feel like I can't do it anymore. Then they smile, or say I love you, or just cuddle, and it gets me through another day.
Sometimes we tend to "let them be" when they are acting appropriately, without letting them know how happy it makes us. We do however, take time out of our busy-ness to scold or discipline when then act unfavorably. It is so easy to get frustrated. BUT, as long as he is getting your attention, he'll take it. Even if it is negative. Work on positive behavior and rewards for it. A sticker chart and small prizes have helped my 3 yr old to get ready in the morning, go potty by himself, put clothes in his room, pick up books, etc.....
I know you are busy!! I know you are tired! the last thing you want to do right now is come up with a creative way to challenge your toddler to do better, but you have to! It will benefit everyone. Our really hard time was from when the twins came home until about 5 months.........slowly but surely we are working toward more positive behaviors everyday. The girls are getting a little older, and more patient....they can wait a minute to eat or to be changed while I play with the 3 yr old. Now he can interact more with them too. He loves being a big brother, and my big helper. He especially loves being responsible for their giggles. Better days are coming for you. I wish I could promise you more sleep, or some down time~ that might not happen, but soon I hope you have more harmony in your home! It won't happen with out your work and dedication. Good Luck, and if you would like to contact me my e-mail is ____@____.com LUCK!

Hi R.

I just want to say that I totally feel your pain, because I have a 2, soon to be 3 year old son who is the same way. His condition is different from your son's though, he does not have any younger siblings and does not need to compete for my attention because my daughter is in school during the day and most of the time it is just me and him, but he does the exact same things that your son does, he gets into everything, I can't leave him alone, for very long at all, I can't get anything done, my house is always a mess, because all my time goes to my son, who, at this point, needs a lot from me. The doctors think that he has ADHD, and he is taking an herbal remedy for it, and has shown improvement with it, thank God! Without medication, he is completely out of control, but I don't think that this is the problem that your son has, being that you said that he wasn't this bad until his sisters came along, it is clear that he is trying to get attention, but I just wanted to tell you that I disagree with the mother that said that you are expecting to much of him and that basically implied that you are not spending enough time with him. When you have 2 new babies to take care of, they are going to take up all of your time, it is inevitable, you are only one person, and can only spread yourself so far. Don't think that it is your fault, I'm sure you are doing all that you can, and putting up a gate, like she suggested, does not work for all children, especially if they are like my son, very resourceful, and can figure out how to get to what he wants, and climb things, it sounds like your son is probably the same way. To give you some examples of what I go through, my son goes in the bathroom and plays in the sink, has flooded the bathroom on 2 occasions, dunked the whole toilet paper roll in the toilet, he unplugs our nightlights and puts them in the garbage disposal, and then, not knowing that they are in there, we turn it on, and our nightlights get chopped up. He takes milk and yogurt out of the fridge and dumps it all over the floor, opens our jugs of drinking water and dumps them on the floor, eats my lotion and squirts it on the carpet, has knocked over all our lamps in the living room and broke them, I could go on and on, we have over-child proofed our house! I know that you have to be under a tremendous amount of stress and believe me, I understand, you can write me back if you ever need to talk.

Hang in there, it will get better!

sounds like he needs one on one time with you...I get that it is just a cry out for attention. And sometimes it is tough to love someone who is not so loveable when you are so tired from just having twins...

My suggestion is if you have someone that can come in and help you out, or a Grandparent that can take him for a schedule time every Tuesday or something so he knows he is special...

He really sounds perfectly normal. Just look at his situation, his older sister gets to go someplace he doesn't get to go, and the new babies need ALL of your attention. He's only been on the planet 36 months....and so much change in the last 9 months really....whenever it was that you couldn't hold him as much because of the pregnancy. It is a lot to ask a 3 year old to understand, grasp, hold and then deliver on....

God bless you all, sounds like there's lots of love in the house so no doubt you will navigate through..Again ASK for help! It's OKAY!

S.

I had 6 children in 10 years.
My solution to such as this problem was to have a room with toys and books, a rocking chair, place to change the baby, a mattress(twin or full-size) to jump and nap on, and a door to close or put a gate in.
I kept the younger children around me a lot of the time so they could not get in to the sort of trouble that you describe.
At this age, and with the new babies, if you are not able to keep a close eye on your son, he is going to continue to get into things.
Timeouts for 3 minutes (for a 3 year-old) are fine, with a "NO", and a short explanation of the reason why, but longer explanations and trying to reason with him are futile at this point.
You have 4 children who need most of your attention every day, and it should be positive attention and not just "cleaning up messes" etc.
They are not little very long so enjoy them while you can.
Play with them, read to them, color and draw with them (on paper or the sidewalk), enlist their help with the babies, and pick up with them at the end of the day.
You are expecting a lot from your just-turned-3 son.

Hi R.,
First of all, congratulations on your new baby girls! It sounds like you have your hands very full. Your son is definitely reacting to no longer being your baby. His throne has been usurped by not one, but 2, baby girls. You do need to find a way to make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable, and sticking to a timeout bench or something will eventually work if you stick with it. Make sure however that the time-out is 3 minutes long (1 minute for each year of age) and that he knows exactly why he is in timeout. Before he can get off the timeout mat/bench he must apologize to you for what he did and ask you to forgive him. Then give him a big hug and tell him you love him. You may want to try spending special time with him after feeding the babies or while they are napping. You can also try finding something special he can do while near you while you are feeding. When my 2nd arrived, my oldest would sit at the foot of the rocker I nursed her in and play with his trains, or sit alongside me and we'd read books. That way he was sharing the bonding time and I knew where he was and what he was doing. That minimized the messes. Expecting a 3 year old to clean up his room and put his toys away without any help from you is a bit much I think. Make it fun to clean up...put a cd in and play a song and see how much he can get put away before the end of the song. You may have to help him a few times. One other option for the summer would be to find a pre-teen or teenager to be a mother's helper for a few hours each week. They could either play with your son, or watch the babies while you played with him. It might make all the difference if he gets some good one-on-one time with you. (By the way I have found the 3's to be harder than the 2's - and he will grow out of this!)

I have to say he is getting your attention!!! Just want he wants!!! They don't much care if it is negative or positive, just that they get it.
Coloring on the walls is just a thing they all go through. My ten year old used my renewable lipstick on the hallway just after we had painted to sell the house. What fun that was! Had to put three coats of primer on and repaint the entire 18 feet of hallway because I had used up the original paint when we repainted it in the first place and couldn't match the color! I would just keep the crayons, etc. put up unless I had time to sit and be with him while he colors. Like when I am feeding his sisters he can sit with us and color.
Some of the rest of the attention getters are a little normal, like telling you "no" he isn't going to pick up his toys, etc. He is learning independence. Not exactly what we want at that age, but normal. My suggestion here is to explain if mommy has to pick it he will not get it back for a week. Then if he doesn't pick it up, you do and put it in a box and put it away for a week. After losing half of his toys for a week he will either get the message or you can explain the next time he loses the toys for two weeks. The third time out the toy will be put in the trash (you can always donate it to someone or sell it at a yard sale) and make good on it. Tough love is ugly but it will work.

I am sure you still make special time to spend with just him so he doesn't feel like he is really being pushed aside and that your husband is doing the same.

Being jealous is normal, especially at his age when he has had your almost undivided attemtion for all of his life. Making room for one extra child is hard enough on a toddler, making room for two is just more than his little mind can accept. Try asking him to help you with the babies. Like fetch a wash rag, bring a diaper, bring you a bottle, whatever. Ask him to help entertain one while you are working with the other one, like tell them a story. Sind them a song, whatever he can do. This will make him part of the activity and promote a sense of teamwork.

P. R.

Hello R.,
I am not sure I can fully relate to your problem as my children are 8 years apart and no twins so my heart goes out to you. I did read, though, sometimes if you get the older sibling involved with the new baby...especially in your case with 2 new babies, that it helps them feel like a big boy/girl and things will go better. If you are bottle feeding maybe he could help hold one of the bottles or if you are nursing perhaps he could play with one baby in the floor while you take care of the other. Let him know that you really couldn't do it without his help and maybe this will help. Again, I am not sure as I have not been in this situation, but thought I would pass along what I read just in case. Good luck.

I have one daughter--a two and a half year old and some of her behaviors sound very similar. I think this is very typical for the age and she doesn't even have a sibling competing for her attention either. I find these behaviors most likely to happen when I am distracted or not paying attention to her. I'm sure that you are very busy right now with the twins, so this is a tough situation. I find my daughter's behavior gets better when I take her to the park and out and about. Being cooped up sometimes means she has to find her own fun and that means she often gets into stuff she shouldn't. She is just being curious most of the time, but I know how frustrating it is!

R.,

None of this sounds like un common three year old behavior. Put everything that he could get into away, or, given how busy you are with your twins, he will continue to use what ever you leave out to "get your attention" and he has discovered just how good at this he can be. It may be a big pain, but unless you want to clean up after him, and unless you WANT him to get used to thinking of himself as a "mainac" then you need to help him be more sucessful.

Two suggestions, first, don't tell him he is not listening unless you really think that he cannot hear you. Your problem with him is that he does not do what he hears. Be concrete, say what you mean. He listened, which to a 3 year old means "hear" not what it means to you, which is "follow through." Three year olds are not little adults, and they are not developmentally ready to draw this conclusion. Second, tell him what you WANT him to do, not what you want him to stop doing. Developmentally they are not able to turn around what you say and do the opposite, say "keep your feet on the floor" rather than "stop jumping" and you will give him the chance to be more sucessful at doing what you ask, which will make him happier all the way around.

If you set him up to suceed, he will start getting your attention by doing what you want more often than he acts out to get your attention like he does now.

Good luck,

M.

I have had similar things happen with my kids and what I ended up doing was have them clean up the mess. It doesn't save me time at that moment because I have to stand there and watch them do it, and sometimes go back over what they have cleaned, but more times than not they do not do the same thing twice. They don't like it when I take playtime from them to clean up a mess they think I will clean up. But if you do this I wouldn't recommend a time out or anything to go with it...that would be like a double punishment. Also, try to catch him doing something good at least once each day and praise him for that. That will show him that you are watching what he is doing and he will love to see that positive attention from you. Who knows...he may stop most of the negative behavior to receive the positive attention from you! Good luck!!!!

R.,I feel for you. I also have a 3 year old boy and a 10 month old little girl. My son is highly active and often refuses to listen. We've recently switched his child care and have noticed a difference. They are very consistent with their discipline methods and have helped my husband and I. When the children start to act out or disobey, they give the children two choices. 1) Continue doing what they are doing and get a time out (or toy taken away, no TV, no recess, etc) or 2) Make a good choice and do what you want and then they can keep playing or some other positive reinforcement. The teachers make sure that the children verbally make a choice and then if they get punished it's their own fault since they chose that option. They always follow through with the punishment chosen. This also reduces the number of chances that the children get. I'm bad about giving my son too many chances to listen. If I give him the choices as soon as he starts disobeying, I have much better results. It's kind of difficult because you have to be consistent and use the method all the time for it to start making a difference. But it really has worked well with my son. Good luck.

Sibling rivalry is a common problem in every family...unfortunately. Your son needs some one on one time. He needs a "date" night with and with his daddy.

Hi R.! Maybe you could get him involved with caring for the younger ones with you. Give him little things to do to help mommy. I'm sure it is partly the attention, but just might be the age as well. My four year old has been like that too and she's the youngest! God Bless! N. L.

Hi there, I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 14 month old son. It sounds like your son is looking for attention, and knows doing those kind of things will for sure get him the attention he's looking for. With my son, I try to praise him all the time, it may seem over board to others, but it works for us. I would have our oldest son help out with his little brother, like bringing a burp cloth, diaper or even a pillow out to help mommy. He loves feeling like a big boy and that he's helping out. I would also recommend spending some one on one time together, say before nap time to read a book together, or bedtime. I also make sure I sit next to my son at meals and comment what a good eater he is, and how well he uses his silverware, napkin, etc. Hope it helps. I'm sure its crazy to find time with your new twins (congratulations) it sounds like he misses being the baby.

D.

One of the first things I have to say is that he needs to be responsible for helping to clean up the mess. Allow him to do it the best that he can alone and then you help him finish it off. He knows that you will clean it up and all he has to do is stand in the corner. I would also make a point to spend 1:1 time with him. He is probably craving attention even though you are doing the best you can with all of your responsibilities. Also, look at how much time he is able to get with his dad. He may be needing some extra positive attention there.

clearly seen he is in need of attention. one on one without the babies being around. i think you should find mommy time away from the babies and just play with him, compliment him when he does something right, and acknowledge him with special attention more. i was told that even asking the first born to help with caring and holding the babies also makes them feel like they are a part and wont make him grow up with resentment towards them. he has a bit of jealousy going on and is lashing out to be recognized. even getting yelled at is taking your time away from the babies and centering him out from the rest. if u want peace, i feel he will need more loving care and recognition.

i was a young mother of three in diapers as well. it was hard. tiring. but you will get thru it. try not to lose your kids in the process. their child hood years determine who they grow to be.

R.,
Your little boy is screaming for attention and Love. He needs Mommy and me days.Find a setter for your daughters and take him someplace special ,just the two of you.Do it once a week. He is not old enough to have the vocabulary to express how he is feeling so he is acting out.Your Baby boy needs your total attention as much as you can give him.

Hi R.-
you never mentined do you have Specailtimew ith him every day. such asreading book sat 10am or playig catch when the twons are down for a nap? It sounds to me like he is doing everything he can to get your attention. Having twins YIKES that is hard and then have 2 other kids to care for .... I have 4 kids albeit no twins and the additon of each one was hard and a transition but I tried to feed new babies, diaper new babies but made even more of an effort to spend Quality time with the other kids rewarding all positive behavior and positive interaction with the new babies and let me tell you how exhausting it was but in the end, we avoided most of the acting out behavior. Good luck!