Ok so my sister and I have not had a good relationship, ever. We have not spoken in 3 years although we see each other every single day at my Dad's (my whole family works together from my dad's house) I am the kind that can put our issues aside (and have many times) and still try to have "small talk" with her here and there....mostly about my niece and nephew whom she brings to work with her.
Tomorrow will be 2 months since I had my breast augmentation, I was told my sister and my mom (another one I don't speak to, they are BFFs) spoke terribly of my decision to have breast augmentation. This sister had an abnormal mammogram 2 weeks ago followed by a biopsy, and she told my eldest sister in front of me "if it came down to me losing my breast I don't care because having breast doesn't make you any more of a woman" (daggers @ me??) She also said how she would never consider reconstructing because to her it's ridiculous risking your life for implants" dagger # 2.... Whatever I'm very happy with my decision, I feel great, everything went perfectly as planned and it did to my self esteem what I had hoped it would do, I'm happy :)
so this sister received her biopsy results last Tuesday and was diagnosed with Infiltrating/invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer) stage 1-2 in the right and stage 0 in situ in the left. She will start her chemo this thurs, and in 6 weeks will have her double mastectomy, and then will start radiation. She was told that due to her radiation she will not be able to reconstruct her breast, or risk very very high risks. Now she definitely cares about not being able to reconstruct. Although we don't speak....I would really like to do something for her .She was told that within 24 hrs of her 1st chemo she will lose her hair (although I've read otherwise) and so she will be shaving her head tomorrow. I started looking around for a hair salon that could collect her hair and make a wig out of her own hair for hair thinking that it being her OWN hair it might make her feel better but she's not interested. I thought about buying her some pink ribbon shirts, but maybe she is not ready for that? I don't know.....I'm so lost as to what I can do to help because I don't feel welcomed to help. Any suggestions??
J.B--yes my mom will be taking care of the kiddos (5 & 8 months) and probably the cooking. I've never been to my sisters house and I don't think I'm welcomed there so I can't just show up and ask to do chores or laundry, however, I have 4 daughters, my backyard is every kids dream and my home is completely baby proof so I CAN ask to have the kids over for a few hrs maybe on chemo days....I think what I'll do is give my sister my number and tell her that if she ever needs a break I'd LOVE to have the kids over, for a few hrs or a few nights! Thanks for the great suggestions!
UPDATE--WOW I'm surprised at how many of you think I'm making this about me and not my sister. This is a woman who has made my life hell and has no remorse as she's told me, and I'm being looked at as the bad sister here?? Everything I've "thought" about doing for her, has come from my heart., I don't expect ANYTHING in return, not even a thank you because I know that's just how she is. I know the comments she made were indeed directed towards me because she had not received her biopsy results yet so she never ever expected to have breast cancer, and she was so mean and so opinionated about my breast augmentation that I KNOW she only said it, in front of me, to make me feel bad. You all may not understand that and call me "big-headed" for "thinking" she's talking about me, but you all also don't know our entire story and that's ok. Anyways......... Thank you very much to friend who let me know about "cleaning for a cause"......I printed out the information for her and she seemed happy! She said she was going to have her Doc fax a treatment confirmation asap. Today is her first chemo, in a few hrs, I have been anxious about it for the last few days because although we may have our differences, it breaks my heart to see her go through this. We've never had anyone in our family go through chemo so I have no idea what to expect. My uncle who just passed from colon cancer, was diagnosed with stage 4 when they found it, unfortunately they decided to opt out on chemo and try natural stuff, but at stage 4 he lost his battle 4 months later.
P.s.s
There was a really nice change of direction right now......My dad and I are the first ones to start working everyday at 6am....and my mom just brought me a Pandora pink ribbon charm for my bracelet, that my SISTER bought for me! Now that was really sweet!
Maybe you could just send her a note or flowers or something, telling her you are there for her for whatever she needs, and let her come to you?
Cancer is a very scary word - and a lot of people I know kind of shut down when they first find out about it.
Also, don't put any more stock in her words than she does. If she wants to say something to you, she will. Otherwise let those comments go in one ear and out the next.
First, don't assume that her comments were a shot at you. Many women feel the same way she does and that's OK. Maybe they were a shot at you, maybe they weren't. It's water under the bridge at this point.
I think if I were in your shoes I would have a very brief heart-to-heart with her in which you say something like "I know that we don't see eye to eye on everything and we have our history, but I love you more than you know and I'm so sorry that you're going through this and if you let me help you, I will do anything you need. If it would help you more for me to *not* be involved, I understand, but I'm here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need it."
If I were diagnosed with breast cancer and facing surgery, radiation and chemo my biggest concern would be for my kids and running my home, so I think you should offer your help there. Can you help take care of her kids while she is in the hospital and going through treatments? Do they need someone to be there in the morning to get them off to school/daycare while she rests? Do they have activities and sports that they need rides to? How about meals, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, etc.? Are you good at coordinating people? There is a great website called lotsahelpinghands where you can set up a site and give access to those who can and want to help. You can schedule who is bringing dinner, who will give her rides to chemo, who will baby-sit, who can do chores and run errands, etc.
Even if your mom is jumping in to help take over the day to day tasks, I know mine would, it's a lot for one person to take on. So volunteer for something that's a pain to do to give whoever the main helper will be a break. I don't think anyone would argue with having the grocery shopping or laundry magically done, right?
Sorry that your sister - and your family - are going through this. Maybe the upside of this crisis will be that you can all get past your differences and have stronger relationships with each other.
Just be there in the background. She is still in shock and disbelief even if she does not admit it.
You can collect all the nice things you mention but know that she may throw them all away as she has her own preconceived ideas. You could possibly get her a journal so that she can write down her feelings. If you go shopping perhaps a nice soft blanket is in order for the times she does have chemo. Hospital treatment centers are notorious for their coldness.
If you can, try to go out to lunch before she starts her chemo and have a nice sisterly lunch. Let her know that you do love her and all. Tell her nicely that you will be there for her.
I will keep you both in my thoughts.
When radiation is done, it changes the texture of the skin underneath and it makes it difficult to do reconstruction.
the other S.
Breast Cancer Survivor 16 years
As you have not spoken in 3 years, I very strongly suggest that you reach out gently. No big "look at me!" gestures. This isn't about you, it's about her. She has enough to deal with without having to face family drama.
Send a card with a heartfelt letter in it. Bury the hatchet and reach out to her in love and support. IF she reaches back to you, then work on furthering the relationship. But not until then. 3 years of not speaking is a big boundary....and she might not be interested in crossing it right now. And if you force this issue....you're not being respectful of her needs. Be careful. Tread lightly.
I have O. suggestion:
Don't make vague statements like "let me know when you need help" or "I can take the kids some days." Instead, make very specific plans that she can count on like "I'll take the kids every Friday afternoon from 2:00 until 7:00 pm so you can rest" etc.
Also, you could sign her up for www.cleaningforareason.org
It's Four monthly FREE housecleanings for any woman receiving chemo.
I also don't think your breasts or her lack of really enter I to a situation involving life and death. Time to put petty things aside.
All the best to your sister!
I'm not really sure. But, to be honest, it sounds like from your post that you are very focused on doing something for her. And maybe what you should do instead, is just hang back, and let it not be about you helping her, but about HER. Let it be about her. Not your need to help.
Does that make sense?
Your desire is admirable. But she isn't ready for that yet. She needs to be introverted, not concerned with letting others help her. Give her time to process. Let he know you are there and willing, when she needs it. Then step back for awhile.
I liked Isn'tthisfun's suggestion. I think that just letting your sister know that (despite your differences and your past) that you still care and are thinking of her, might be a huge help for her. Maybe send her a heartfelt note or card at this time? At this point you are not close enough to know what her preferences are and what would be most helpful to her. I also am trying to think about it from the point of view, if there was someone that I just plain did not get along with and they started offering me gifts or asking me if they could watch my kids to help or something, it might actually cause more stress. So I would just keep it simple at this time.
Go to her, sit her down and tell her that you know that you have had your differences in the past but just forget all of that now. Let her know that you are there for her in any way she needs. Just to say the word. Don't do shirts or anything with her hair - just tell her ANYTHING. Nothing is too small or to big to ask. Maybe you will start fresh. Offer and keep offering. Good luck to both of you.
It's all new to her right now.
She's had less than 1 week to process her cancer diagnosis and that's enough news to just floor most people.
Offer help as she's ready for it and not on your schedule.
Your breast job has nothing to do with her cancer.
And her cancer has nothing to do with your self esteem.
Her experience will be unique and what ever she goes though makes her the expert in her experience with her breast cancer and treatment.
So it matters not whatever you read about when she does or doesn't lose her hair.
Some women will prefer a wig while others will wear hats or scarves while others will just bare it all and embrace being bald.
Just listen and say things like "That sounds terrible" and "I'm so sorry you're going though this" and "Is there anything I can do to help? Cook and freeze some meals? Take the kids for a bit? Run errands?".
Then if she wants you to do nothing then do it and remain in waiting until she says otherwise.
Good morning.
I'm not sure if your sister is religious at all, but this book was given to my mom from another cancer survivor and was a godsend to her. She has given it to every person she knows who has gone through cancer and treatment and they have had the same response.
http://www.prayingthroughcancer.com/index.html
My mom also was not a candidate for implants after treatment, but her surgeon did for her was actually similar to a tummy tuck and he took her own stomach tissue and reconstructed her breast from that. (She is very petite so it wasn't much, but enough to make her feel better.)
I think all you can do is be available, kind, and accommodating - let your sister know you are available to help, do small things (a card, a smoothie when she can't keep anything else down), etc., with no expectation of even a thank you - just so she knows you care and are around if she does need something. Maybe a movie day or pool day for the kids or something that is special for them too. (A backyard movie/sleepover/tea party?)
I pray for healing for your sister and your relationship. And blessings for you for being there for her.
Go to her. Love and support her. She will accept your love and support. Everything said and done in the past will be forgotten. Life is too short. Prayers for your sister.
There is a Hawaiian saying that (I am translating it for you), that says "To give from the heart without expectation of return..."
Another word for a similar Hawaiian sentiment is: "Aloha."
Or "Lokahi." And all of these are intertwined.
It is hard to explain, unless you have experienced it.... but in the Hawaiian culture, these are things that are felt in one's heart.... and expressed. From the heart. It is the Hawaiian sense of "graciousness." To honor the other despite differences in culture or individual differences. To overcome it. Of acceptance despite with grace.
Your sister is as she is.
You are as you are.
There is a bigger thing here at stake.
For both of your lives.
Keep that in mind.
This has to be about your sister and what she wants, so if she's not ready to accept your help then I would gently approach her about making amends. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth prolonging a family feud when there's still love between sisters and not when you have to see each other daily.
I would also stop reading into things she says to others. Maybe it's habit at this point, but it's time for you two to have your relationship with each other and not through other people or hearsay.
I agree to just give from your heart. Send her a note saying you are sorry to hear she is ill and you are willing to help in any way.. Or you are willing to help.. and give specific help.
Do NOT take things personally. During a stressful time, some people freak out, some shut down and some just withdraw..
It is all about them at this point.
My friend became very focused on just getting better when she was diagnosed. . She asked for only positive energy and conversations around her.
Her situation was a bit different from yours. She too had a sister that had caused a lot of problems in her family and she asked that the sister not be especially searched out to be informed. Instead she said IF her sister checked in and asked, then they could tell her, but she did not want sister around..
After all of the treatments. etc.. her sister did show up in the end. We pulled her aside and asked her to please honor the request that she not upset her sister or her parents.
She did pretty good, but my fiends husband is still put out that this sister showed up and was with her when she died. He said he knew that was not what she wanted. I know it too, but it is what it is, we could not drag her out.. instead we all stayed very civil.
First of all, I think you took your sister's comments way too personally. She was speaking of herself and what she would/would not do and how she feels. It's a bit big-headed of you to think she was thinking about you when she said it.
I think a pink ribbon shirt is a bit too much at this early stage. She is just coming to terms with this diagnosis. Why not just back off and wait to SEE what she needs when she needs it.
I would imagine that one of the best things you could do for her would be to take the kids off her hands as much as possible. Once she starts feeling the effects of the chemo, she will not want her children to see how sick she will feel and watch her violently throw up.
Don't offer like 'here's what I can do for you" but rather just call up and invite the kids out. Don't look for a pat on the back or any recognition. It's all about her right now.
I know I'm late on this but in NO way did I see you or her as being the "bad" sister. I think you were honest and I think you've shown how much you really care. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I will keep your sister and family in my thoughts.
I think it's great, that given the relationship, you are willing to try and do something to help. Good for you.
Your comments about the "daggers" struck a chord with me. Ya know, not everything is about YOU. Those comments may have just been how SHE felt and since you aren't close, she had no clue that you would take them the wrong way. They may not have been aimed at you at all. My MIL is famous for thinking comments people make are aimed at her and she gets her feeling all hurt. When I know without a doubt that they had absolutely nothing to do with HER. So, stop being so sensitive and just ignore the comments.
Does she have a caringbridge account? If you have never heard of it it's a website where information can be posted in a joural and people who subscribe can read them. I have a friend who was just diagnosed with breastcancer stage 2 invasive ductal as well. She starts chemo in a week and will be getting her hair cut into a pixie before she starts. She posts all of this on her caring bridge site.
Maybe your sister would like help finding a wig place or a pretty scarf to wear on her head.
