My 4-Year-old Constantly Wants Me to Play with Her: Advice?

Hi,
I am a mother of 4 and they are now teenagers, but when they were that young. I use to incorporate my cleaning in the playing. We made fun of the cleaning. We would play dress up and my daughter would be the mommy and i would be the maid. So why i cleaned she would help me and we both cleaned together. I do add that is does pay. She is 17 and now she cleans for other people and makes her nice pocket money. She even has regular clients and it doesn't interfear with her school and grades.

Does she have any playmates you can call for a playdate? Does she like to color or paint... something she can do herself? My kids always want me to play with them, but it never lasts too long. Whenever I feel like I'd rather be doing something else (like laundry), I think about how so soon they are not going to want anything to do with me and try to cherish this playtime with them. It won't last forever.
A.
www.freedomathometeam.com/acorpuz
http://thesecretpays.com/acorp

I have noticed the same about my almost 4 yr old son. He plays with his sister (19mos younger) but he really wants ME lately. I look forward to reading the responds you get about this! Thanks for posting!

I think some people who responded might be misunderstanding you. Or maybe I'm assuming the wrong thing, who knows.

At any rate, I am reading your post as "please help, my daughter wants every single waking second of my life" not "go away honey, a sparkling floor is more important than you".

Did I get that right?

At any rate, looks like you'll might need to get creative with your child. I really like the ideas of making cleaning up the house into a fun game. After all, as she gets older it is not unreasonable to ask her to pitch in and do her fair share of the work. You could also search for tasks that could take 15 minutes so you can fit in your work while she puts together an art project, a craft for daddy, or even helps you with tasks. You could give her a box of legos and ask her to make an animal, a person, a scene, a house. Give her old teacups and set up the kitchen table as a tea party for her and her stuffed animals.

I think I understand where you're coming from. It's not like you want to spend 6 hours maintaining an immaculate home; sometimes you just need 10 minutes to sort the laundry and throw it in the washer...because we all know if mommy doesn't do it no one will!

I was surprised to hear so many people say ditch the house work. Yes, if you are spending tons of time and are crazy clean, you may need to rethink. But a mom has to get the basics done! Perhaps you could get some table thing (art, play dough, stringing beads, light brite, etc.) Then you can give her a specific toy to play with at the table and set the timer. Start with short time frames, even five minutes, adn work your way up to 15 or 20. Do this a couple times a day and you've gotten 30 hour of cleaning.

Or try books on tape, from your library. Start with the little books and move to chapter books when she's older (5ish).

Also try playing first, and then doing a chunk of cleaning. I find routines help so much. I don't always do them, but they are the base for keeping things clean.

Also she can do some jobs while you do others. For awhile my 5 year old would help me unload the dishwasher and her brother (2 1/2) would sort the silverwear. Or give her a spray bottle with water and let her 'clean the windows', just make sure she knows the rule is to spry once andthen wipe.

Good luck and if you want to brainstorm more, let me know.

She is young and will grow up so fast. Just make sure that you are taking those blocks of time to stop and play with her. Housework will get done, eventually. Shame on the person who EVER walks into your home with toys strewn all over the floor and accuses you of not doing anything all day! As moms "we know you are busy!" Pretend play can easily be incorporated into doing chores. Racing to get things done (setting a timer!) and keeping it fun, encouraging her to "complete some tasks" so that you and her can get some play time together, helps her to become goal-orientated. She's also at the age that she is vying for your attention and may be losing because you have a busy toddler. Have those tea parties, bake those cookies. It's precious time that you will never get back! Truly was one of my favorite ages with my kids! Sounds stupid but... with as much as I used to do with my kids, I still regret the times that we didn't make puppets, do more shows, bake more... play more games... Just like the "epitaph" that your previous post mentioned. I hope my children remember that we took time to play.

However, I do think it's so important that children know how to play and entertain themselves. It may sound like I'm contradicting myself a bit (above) but I think that if you are seeing that her demand to play with you is so excessive that it includes your every waking moment, then she needs to be taught how to play, independently. The "B" word has always been banned from our home. If they are "bored", I am happy to give suggestions, which may include my time with them but unfortunately, sometimes I just can't. But.. children should be creatively-minded enough to engage themselves in something without feeling bored. And they also need to know that.. everybody has responsibilities and sometimes, chores need to get done before play.

Good Luck.

You must have read my mind... I just called my husband at work this afternoon begging him to come home early because our 3 1/2 year old son is requiring so much of my time and attention and it's making me so mad, I was afraid I was going to go berserk. We just moved to Ohio and have an 11 month old daughter, who like your son, is just too little to play that much. Besides, playing with her always ends up with something being chucked at her face. We don't have that many friends here (yet) so playgroups and play dates are out. My son is in preschool and those moms literally won't talk to me. But that is another post...

I read through the responses and first, shame on the moms who are criticizing you for wanting to clean up, too! Sure, you don't need to mop your floors every day, but you do need to do dishes, right? Duh. Second, I just had a brainstorm. I have been putting our daughter down for a nap and then rushing to get all my chores done so that I can spend the remainder of the nap one-on-one with my son. I end up spending sometimes 2 hours playing trains, painting, reading, etc., spending real quality time with him. And then I have to go to the bathroom. He starts to scream and even hits and BITES sometimes just because I need to leave the room for 25 seconds! It is unbelievable. I am so angry and mortified, he treats no one else like this EVER.

So tomorrow I think that as soon as the baby is asleep, I'll start out by playing with him instead of starting with chores. I'll set the timer for say, 30 minutes, and then when it rings he'll have a choice - keep playing alone (or even bring the toy to the kitchen) or come do chores with me. I'll have to brainstorm the things that he can do, but maybe he can dry the plastic dishes or "help" me make the beds. He does love helping sort laundry, so that should work. Then the "chores" timer will be set for say, 15 minutes, and when it rings it'll be back to playtime for another 30 minutes or whatever. Hopefully I can ultimately increase/decrease the time so that play time and chore time will be equal. He does eventually need to learn to be self-sufficient, right?

Thank you so much for this post. I seriously was at my wit's end today, I was so sad that I was doing everything I could but was still getting it wrong. This has helped me to look at my problem a different way and come up with some new ideas. I hope it might somehow help you, you've certainly helped me!

Good luck :)

I had the EXACT same problem! My daughter is also four years old and wants to play with us all the time. It's not that you should ignore the housework and play with her all the time, but she needs to know how to entertain herself. What I have done for the past year is I set a timer and tell her when the timer goes off, it's time for mommy to do what she needs to do and then later we can play again. My husband does this with her too. We usually allot about 45 minutes to an hour for our playtime with her. She knows the routine and will then go off and play by herself. I also do this when it's time to leave someone's house. I tell her we have 5 minutes and when mommy says, "Ding!" it's time to go. It actually works (well, sometimes). Also incorporating her help in the housework helps, too. My daughter and I just got done dusting the downstairs and she helped clean the tables. She also loves cleaning toilets (yeah, we'll see how long THAT lasts!) LOL!

I can relate! We have 3 boys...a 4 yr old, 17 month old and a 10 wk old. We are in your same situation here at our house with our 4 yr old. Kills me to say no, but lunch still needs to be made, dishes still need to get done, babies need to be fed and diapers from younger ones changed....and sometimes I am just plain worn out!

My solution: Give him a job. Dusting? Wiping down dor knobs. Dustbuster?

I also bought age appropraiate puzzles and when he master's it, I get more challenging ones...more pieces! They are relativley inexpensive, $2-$3 /box?
And most recently workbooks. He loves mazes and dot-to-dot ones.
Oh and play doh! Always a good one....try some edible kind!google a recipe...
good luck! And don't feel guilty for saying no. Yes, kids grow up fast and you won't get the time back but we also need to remember that some independence is a good thing and will only help them as they get older.

M. - thanks for asking this question. My daughter is the same way. I think it's important for kids to see a balance. They certainly need one-on-one time, but they also need to see that there are things that need to be taken care of around the house, that it is responsible to clean up after yourself.

We're still struggling with this, but some things that have helped. When she is in the bath, I clean her bathroom. That way she is having fun in the tub, supervised, and I'm getting something accomplished. When I clean our bathroom, she gets to take a bath in our tub. She helps me sort laundry and switch it to the dryer. I've got a play cleaning cart for her so she can help that way. Sometimes I tell her she just has to entertain herself for a while.

I think the important thing is to always give them the one-on-one time - and I'm sure you do that - but if you tell her "I'll play with you after I do xxxxx" then you HAVE to follow up on that.

I have the same issue. I've found that if I give my son 15 minutes of direct attention, I can then sneak off to do some housework. He'll usually come find me after 30 minutes, but at least I've had a few minutes to do laundry or clean something. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I am not quite where you are with the kids (my daughter just turned 1 yesterday). However, when I get there, I fully plan on incorporating my little lady into my tasks and having her be my helper. Have you tried asking her to play with you? You know like help mommy clean or run errands etc? I don't know if that will work but I already see my little lady interested in the things I am doing, so I am fully prepared to buy her an apron and a little broom and have her play with mom sometimes. I think it is also a neat way to bond and get work done at the same time. Hey she might not clean "your way" but at least she won't be driving you crazy:) Right??

I agree with most of the other moms-let chores become play, and make the housework secondary. My son was a play with me all the time guy and -kinda still is as a teen! Meaning, he prefers to engage with others, a true extrovert. Some kids are more content to play some of the time by themselves, it depends on their nature. Of course you have to find a balance, but I generally did real cleaning when my child was napping, at preschool, etc.

M., I am so glad that you asked this question because my 3-1/2 yr. old son is always asking mommy and daddy to play with him! I don't have any great answers for you, but you sure helped me see that I am not alone in this. I also really like the answers that everyone here has provided.

The thing is he is at daycare/preschool all day long and runs around a good amount of time there, so I always expect him to be exhausted by dinner time. Au contraire... he is geared up before, during, and after dinner to play with us. He asks us both to play superheros with him. I am batwoman, catwoman or wonderwoman (my preference!) and he is batman, and daddy is Robin. Oh boy... it is all about running around the house getting the bad guys, etc. We do this for a little while and then try to get him to play with his superhero figures while we cook, take a phone call, etc. He continues to say "do you wanna play with me?" and my heart melts. All I can say is at that moment I think about how fast he is growing up and I drop what I am doing and "play" with him. I think things will be better in the spring/summer when we can ride our bikes together, go to the park, the pool, etc. as a family. Until then, wonderwoman to the rescue!

M., my 5-year old is exactly the same. It's especially when she feels her baby brother is getting too much attention, I'm working too much or other stresses. I find if I start playing with her, it's easier to bow out after a few minutes if I need to rather than to just say at the outset "I need to change your brother's diaper, maybe later". Meanwhile, I'm honing my coloring skills and my husband has become a talented story teller and puppet show producer...

M.,
Housework can wait. She is only going to be this age for a short time :) Get her her very own cleaning supplies (spray bottle with water, broom, mop, feather duster) and have her help you clean...teaches her responsibility AND gets her some much needed mom time. How you react to her requests now will set the stage for life...menaing if moms to busy to play now, when im a teengaer ill shut right down and not talk.
good luck!

hee hee - my 4 year old was just doing that tomeas i read your request! She has always been very into pretend play...usually says: Mom, be so-and-so...and on occasion i have said to her: Lily, sometimes i just want to be myself! for me, it's not just about needing to do other things, but it can be mentally exhausting to constantly roleplay! i think it's ok for her to learn that others do not always want to play in the same way and that she can adjust.
When i found out my twins were coming (now 6 months old) i invested in some toys to sustain independent play...we made an art area, a coloring/tracing book box(she loves the Kumon books), i gave in to Barbies...other things: put on music and dance, let her go on starfall.com, make a game of cleaning her room or collecting her things from around the house...
i still indulge her fantasy roleplay games PLENTY, but she is learning to accept "not right now" (always follow thru if you use this) and even "no" and figure out other options for what to do with her time. i think that's healthy.

one more idea - get her into a theater group/class like The Entertainment Project...channel that creativity!
take care & good luck!
om

If we don't make the time to be with them non-stop when they are babies, they can't find the time for us later. The best advice I ever got. I think you need to reevaluate how important it is that housework be under control. I know I used to clean ALL THE TIME until I had kids and now I always have a heap of laundry, dishes in my sinks, messes in the bedrooms and it all is a matter of priority -- thank god my kids know they come FIRST. You have to find a way to give them jobs while you clean and they will see that as 'play' too. Good luck!! Enjoy them while they are little. You'll blink and they'll be big.

How about she "help" you with the chores? While you sweep the kitchen floor, she can be washing the plastic dishes in the sink.

Put on some music nice and loud, and you guys can have a dance party while you sing and dance together (while you vacuum or dust).

Get out the special markers or stamps and she can create while you pay the bills.

Hi M.,
I have 4 girls close in age that play together so I don't have this exact issue as often, but I would do the same thing that I do for any other "problem" I encounter...for example, my 3 year old wants to snack all day long and I got sick of her asking me and me telling her no. So I made up a time chart that says "time to eat??" and I put the times down for eating (breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner) so know when she asks me I say back to her..it isn't time to eat, but it will be in one hour (or whatever it is). So for you, I would do the same thing.."playtime with mommy" or "mommy's schedule" and block out certain times of each day that you do play with her. If you are home with her all day, it can just be 3 1/2 hour time spurts or something that you drop whatever you are doing and get her and tell her it's time to play with you. This way she will know she does get some of your time and hopefully not ask as much anymore (my 3 year old's asking about food now is down to a minimum).

My son goes through phases like this and I find what works best is to say mommy will play with you for X amount of time then I need to go clean and you need to play with your sister.

My kids are almost 4 and almost 2 and they are starting to play together more and more. I have to remind the 4 year old to help his younger sister and not make the "rules" so hard. I would say since my daughter was around 22.5-23mo they have been playing together so much better. It's fun to watch! I would encourage your daughter to work on playing with her younger brother, she may start to really enjoy it!

Sounds like you need to get her involved with a play group or have play mates come over. My son was an only child and we had him involved with park district programs by that age. He also went to pre-school at age 4.

Let the housework wait. They are only little for a short time and soon enough she won't want you to play with her. yes she can "help" with the cleaning maybe get her the kid sized broom, mop, etc. Also, she can help load or unload the dishwasher let her help put clothes in the washer and dryer. My 18 mo old loves to put stuff in the machine for me, yes it takes longer but she is helping and it gets done. But make the time to play with her as well.

Are you in a playgroup or preschool where you can invite friends over for a playdate?

M. in EGV

My girls are 11, 7 and 7 now. I am trying to do as much stuff with my 11 yr old, as she will soon not want me to go along on trips/events with her.

I think the idea of trying to include your daughter in the cleaning would help to give her the mom time she wants, and still allows you to get some cleaning done.

Whenever I hear myself saying 'in a minute', I remember that they are growing up fast, and I will miss the times they wanted to play with me.

As someone else said, I do not want to be remembered as the mom with the cleanest house around.

What's more important? The 4 year old or the housework that can be done at night or during her nap???? She'll be in school in less than a year. Be with her while you can; squeeze the work in at other times. Have daddy help with the housework also.

Hi there
My Daughter is 4 1/2 she is also going thru this stage, she use to sit for a couple of hours and play on her own, no more (she is an only child). I sit when I can and play however i let her know it will be 20 - 30 minutes or however long I can, she is always satisfied with that and yes it is always pretend play, sometimes I can talk her into playing a game or 2.
Good Luck
V.

Hi M.,

I am a mother of 4 and ALL of them have gone through this stage. It shorter for the boys then girls. What I learned to do is make up work sheets or writing abc papers, do puzzles and even have them make funny stuff up to keep their younger sibling happy, They did that while I did dishes or make beds or put a load of clothes in. They would all help sort clothes or put away the dishes. Then we would play for an hour or so. They grow up so fast before you know it, they won't want you around. Trust me, my teenager who wanted me to play constantly when she was younger, now tells me "you don't have to stay so close to me, I have friends". But I still have my youngest who is 5 and still wants me to play. Someone once told me they are kids for such short time, the dishes, laundry and cleaning will be there well after the kids grow up. And it is true. My house was never a dirty mess, but sometimes it was messy. Now everyone is in school and guess what? My house gets a "head to toe" cleaning. There is nothing else to do and I miss the breaks I used to get during the day. Just hang on and relax with your daughter she will be going to school soon!

Good Luck!
C. B

Sounds like your child needs more stimulation... school, play dates, activities, babysitters... anything you could do to provide her with stimulation/friends/interactive activities (not TV) and you have more free time for yourself?

Organize some play dates with kids her age. It's nice to have 2 a week. We would take turns hosting, so on days she was at the friends house I could power work.

Ditch the housework. They don't write on your epitaph "should have spent more time doing housework/being at the office" etc. The years that your children actually want to be around you are pretty short. so enjoy them and let the rest just go. If you are bored with activities, then the Busy Preschooler book can be great. it has lots of suggestions for activities and also rainy day bags and other items to keep children busy. Pretend play is very important to a child and so engaging her in it is great. Also, you can coopt a child into doing some tasks with you by making a "job jar" with items in it that she can do. Make it fun even if it isn't real work. Also you can take this time to also see if she is interested in learning the beginnings of phonics and other early learning activities. It is all good. Remember "these times will also pass" it is just for now. enjoy.

Find a neighbor with a 4 year old and have the neighbor's child over to your house to play with...at the beginning, observe to make sure that things are harmonious...

Set up some playdates during the week. Giving her undivided attention by setting the timer for 15 minutes and make sure your son is sleeping or entertained. Set up everything before you start the timer. Play her pretend game and when the timer goes off you are done. It isn't your housework or you telling her that it is time to stop but the timer. You can do this once a day or if you have time a few times a day. The key is that you are completely focused on her and not anything else. Also when she asks while you are doing something you have to complete and can't play you can just say it isn't time for our special pretend time. You can then put the timer on and tell her when it goes off that is the time for your special time. I love the timer. There is no disputing it and it works like a charm.

Wow, interesting reading all the comments and advice. I will ask this, Is it realistic to put adult tasks on backburner for child play? I have a 4yr. old high spirited son, he is hilarious. As a single mother, I have to the best of my ability try to show him/tell him, we have to get tasks done. I am as open and real as possible, because our world does not emcompass another person to pick up the slack. He has responded wonderfully, and I have found out just how intelligent, and quick witted my son is. No, I am not a mother that has adult, hard knocks conversation with a 4yr. old. But, to the best of my ability, with my mommie voice my son understands, I let him know a couple of things, such as: 1. We have play time 2. We have quite time 3. We have learning time 4. We have get the task done time with his assistance 5. We have reward time

My mother did that with me, and I grew up knowing how to respond. Yes, this tacket is luck of the draw depending upon your child, but mommies it has worked wonders for me. Does my son respond to me the way I need him to, NO, he is 4, but with consistency and the tone of my voice he realizes mommy is the boss, and being assertive in that moment. I love him dearly, but at the end of everyday, I am the adult.