Seriously, am I overreacting here? My husband says, the reason the boy doesn't "do" what I ask when I ask is because I "don't follow through". Pretty much every instruction or bit of info I give the boy needs to be repeated 3 to 5X before I get a response or an action.
I have always used the teacher trick (start the command with his name), and I get down on his level when we're talking. I've tried giving him timeouts when he "doesn't get his butt moving fast enough". I've tried taking things away. Getting ready for school in the morning is a disaster - it's like he is on a completely different planet from me! He barely responds to simple choices ("Do you want juice or milk for breakfast?" "Do you want the red shirt or the blue?" - repeated to INFINITY!!!!)
After a couple hours of this on the weekend (hubby works 6 days a week = chef/restaurant owner), I am losing my cottonpicking mind! We're going thru a thing at school where KJF might be going for learning disability testing... but he's also in the Gifted Program! At school - he needs constant attention from the teacher or aide to get him to finish a task. Homework.... Argh. Can't even discuss.
Is this normal development or what?!
Well, the reason I asked this question was because I wanted to know if "average" kids do this too. From what you've all said, not so much, right? (He is my only child, so I have no idea what's "average".) Yes - he is being checked out for ADD/ADHD, and my husband also had these issues in school - but NOT at home (his mom would literally have KILLED him with her two hands). In the meantime, I will try to be more patient with him - I'm pretty sure he's not "ignoring me on purpose" or "trying to get to me", and I will mention the "spacing-out" and delays to the doctor and the school specialist. As for giving him choices? Of course I will continue to give him choices - he is a thinking, feeling person (and intelligent), and he deserves to have some say in his food and clothing, etc... I would give that consideration to ANYONE. As for the "following-thru", I have trouble enforcing time-outs and immediate consequences when we are on a tight schedule (he HAS to be on the bus at a certain time) - I do better with follow-thru after school and in the evening. Will a sticker chart help in the morning? How do I handle that?
well it seems like a no brainer to me but that's just me. if he is not able to make choices make them for him. lay his clothes out the night before or let it be a weekend chore. lay out 5 shirts and 5 pants with underwear and socks and no playing til its done. set his breakfast in front of him and say eat. I would not let this be a stresser for me. you have let it become a power struggle and he is winning.
Well, for one thing, I think many kids go through these phases of selective hearing.
If you are giving choices to infinity....save yourself the hassle and don't give a choice. Give your son the blue shirt and tell him to put it on. Give him juice one morning and milk the next. YOU decide instead of waiting an eternity for an answer.
If you do get a reaction such as "I don't want the blue shirt", you say, "Fine, but you're wearing it and tomorrow when I ask you which shirt you want, you can answer me, or I'll just choose again".
As a single working mom, I didn't have time to goof around about things with my kids in the morning. On more than one occasion, I told my son that if he didn't have his clothes on by the time I was ready to leave, I would be dropping his butt off at school in his pajamas.
He knew I was dead serious.
On those mornings, I made sure to get myself ready really quickly and say I was getting my keys. He got dressed, brushed his teeth, and we were out the door on time.
When you get down to your son's level to talk to him, tell him you are only telling him something ONE time. Say what you say and ask him to repeat it to you so that you know he heard you.
Then follow through.
Giving him choices isn't working so for now, I would quit giving him choices and waiting on him to make them. I would never wait a couple of hours for my kids to make up their mind for anything.
That's just my opinion.
Best wishes.
Well... it's completely and totally normal for ADHD kids. Not saying yours is, but I am, and my son is. I don't even notice the repetition because it's just part of daily living. Granted, not *everything* has to be repeated, "important" things don't, but the definition of important is a little (aka vastly) different in ADHD land than in the rest of the waking world.
Zoning out/ not listening/ not paying attention is also common amongst "straight" gifted kids (almost all ADHD kids are gifted to profoundly gifted, but there are "straight gifted" kids, and 2e/twice exceptional gifted kids with giftedness being part and parcel to other disorders as well). The more gifted a kid is the LESS capable they usually are in the everyday world. People often make the mistake that gifted = smarter or more mature, when in reality, like with any disorder there are upsides and downsides. One of these days giftedness is going to be renamed as a spectrum disorder (it is one, "bright" is far preferable from a parenting standpoint than "gifted"), and it will make it easier on parents of gifted kids, but until then there's not a ton of support for gifted families. ((Ha. I'm tempted to "rename" gifted as GSD right here and now. Amazing how "gifted" sounds enviable, and GSD sounds like something to be taken seriously, doesn't it? Roses never met marketing people.))
Two resources for you
www.additudemag.com if he's adhd
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ if he's adhd or gifted
my son does this, i have always compared his behavior to "ADD-ish". we walk from the front door to the car and he walks 50 extra feet, taking a detour through the yard, to the far side of the driveway, before arriving at the car door. DRIVES ME BATTY. lol. i call him my little bug because he buzzes around like a bee doing anything - a trip from point A to point B involves 5 stops. easily distracted. i think in my case it's just his personality. it does take extra patience.
but i would put my foot down after i know he hears me. get his attention first, tell him to listen to your directions. then once he has it, if he doesn't do it he gets a time out. that's how we do it. there are still times he doesn't listen, can't remember what he was told, gets distracted...
and i don't give him too many choices, because he does get overwhelmed. plus, then if you offer, and he can't decide, you take it back and choose for him, and he gets upset. just offer a choice here and there. if he's not having a tantrum over which shirt he wears, why give him a choice - he doesn't care. ya know?
good luck!
Consequences. Swift and certain.
And why are you asking HIM questions, like he's in charge? He shall have juice at breakfast until he grows up enough to voice a choice.
And you never said - are you following through? You stated that your co-parent pointed this as the root cause - but then you changed topics to how you have tried a, b, c and d. Ever try his suggestion?
Sounds like my husband. He has ADHD.
ask your son to repeat back to you what you just said. This may help.
Learn about ADD. This is difference in his brain. You will need to study him and help him figure out some coping skills.
My husband is very bright. He can tell you how anything works and why, but, to this day, he cannot remember trash days on Fridays. It was Friday when he was a Teen, and all of the years we have been married. He is 50 years old.
I have to leave post it notes on the bathroom mirror on his keys, and the front door and there are still many, many times, he still forgets to put the trash out on the curb!!!
But I love him and he is successful at work.. His down time is needed because he works so hard to keep it together all day.
Homework was his downfall all of his school years. He either would not do it. Or do it, but not be able tot turn it in.. But he passed all tests.
My 5 yo's do too (so that's 6-10 times per instruction!) One actually is much better than the other though. I've wondered if my one who it truly take 5-6 times is ADD... we're going to have her tested.
So, i think it's a little bit of both-- their age and they're 'in their mind' so much and not 100% connected to the outside world as well as some ADHD issues.
One thing you might try is having him repeat the instructions or choices back to you... that shows he has heard them.
Also... have everything laid out the night before.... that way, there are no choices about clothing to be made in the morning.
As others have said, stop giving him choices... if he isn't responding to your choice, just make the decision for him.
He's playing you... he sees how frustrated you get.... and your frustration takes the responsibility off him. He knows which buttons to push.
You've already said in previous posts that he seems VERY ADHD. So you already know it's not just normal development. Read everything you can about raising ADD kids (do'nt wait for a diagnosis, right now he is presenting as such) Try to break the habit of repeating yourself as he knows he doesnt have to listen the first few times. Continue making eye contact. I assume when you ask about something like the red shirt or blue shirt and he doesnt respond you say"since you are having trouble deciding I will decide you will wear blue" Does this upset him or does he not care? Have you tried charts that he checks off after he gets dressed, eats breakfast, brushes teeth ? or a chart that if you say go brush teeth and he does it you put a sticker? He clearly needs a behavior chart at school, broken into small increments so he can feel some success. Does he have that?
Stop giving him choices
Read the "Out of Sync Child" before meeting with therapists who will be doing the testing.
It will give you things to consider and good foundation so you can ask good questions. It may also give you insight into your son's behavior.
See:
http://www.amazon.com/Out---Sync-Child-Recognizing-Proces...
Also check out the following for some tips that may help make mornings and daily communication smoother.
http://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Disorganized-Child-Strat...
http://www.amazon.com/Late-Lost-Unprepared-Executive-Func...
Last but not least, if keeping on task is a big issue, and not following through when asked to do something, you may want to try not giving choices for a while as others have suggested.
Do not listen to those who say he is playing you or this is some sort of power struggle. You can tell the difference. From what you describe, it sounds like he may truly have a focus or sensory problem. If there is a focus issue (based on what you share) choices make things overwhelming and to those who don't realize what is going on, can seem like they are being difficult or are not listening...when quite the opposite is true. They are just struggling with processing the request and executing it. Stay patient, and make things easier by keeping requests simple, and definitely offer no choices for a while and see if that helps a bit.
In the morning, have his clothes ready, and the night before go through his school bag with him to make sure assignments are done, packed and ready for the next day. Do whatever you can do to help him stay on task. It should get better.
If you could make a simple to follow through on, duties chart with pictures and set a daily routine that doesn't change, that will help him alot too.
Even smart kids can have attentional disorders. I would have him assessed. I work in an elementary school, and NO, this is not normal development.
Have you tried having him repeat directions back to you?
