S.B.
What a difficult situation for all of you. I don't know if I can help, but I'll share what I've been thinking. Comfort, validation, setting limits, discussion, empowerment and finally reinforcement of her success in overcoming her fear. Your daughter is old enough for a fairly mature approach. Some folks have family meeting or council, I never did it that formally, but a conversation involving parents and child are in order. Fear is unreasonable, that is a fact. You can't tell someone not to be afraid. She will have to come to grips with it in her own way with your help. It is a serious problem because of the disruption it causes to everyone, and surely is serious to her. Giving validity to her fear might be all that she needs. The comfort you are giving your daughter is the right way to go, but the way you are giving it can't be sustained. People need good sleep in order to stay healthy and do their work and parents sleep together, the end. I think if you three get together and daddy takes charge of the situation explaining that his main concern is for the safety of the family and is able to tell a bit about how he accomplishes that with real safety precautions against real and known dangers, that might reinstate him as the safeguard for your daughter. She may be struggling with the responsibility of growing up that first-born girls take so seriously. She may be longing for the babying that her little sister gets, knowing as you said that her baby sister will move on and out. Just the advent of change in routine can be upsetting. Explain that the sleeping arrangements cannot be changed, that it is off limits. Ask her what she thinks will help her. Maybe a new stuffed animal. Maybe setting glasses of grape juice around her room like the girl in the commercial who says "don't worry daddy the antioxidants will protect me", would make her laugh at her fear. Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendack deals with this sort of thing in story form. Night fright is the topic of a number of books for young readers. Your daughter might be able to comfort herself reading and knowing that other kids and sometimes adults are fearful. She can conquer this fear and be able to help her little sister if it ever happens to her. Visual frights like you suggested came from movies make a bigger impression on some people than they do on others. Your daughter is sensitive and now you know and your husband knows and she should know to look away or stay away from such sights. It doesn't mean anything..some people like the beach, some the mountains. We are all different. It might help her to know that you , or her sisters room is on the other side of her wall, if that is the case. Take the time now to deal with this and she will be your "go to girl" for solving family problems in the future.