My 9 Year Old Step-daughter Won't Wipe After Peeing.

My niece wouldnt wipe either when she was younger and the only thing that worked for my sisterinlaw was to have her smell her underwear that she wore after she wouldnt wipe. I know its really gross but something clicked with her after that after she smelled how gross it was.

J.-

I have a few ideas which i hope will lead you to a solution.

1) Is it a power struggle?

2) Does she have a reason not to wipe, maybe it hurts. She may be extremely sensitive. Try talking to her about how it feels. She may be embarassed about the feeling and not know how to approach you.

3) Could her mother told her not to for some reason? When I was a young child, my grandmother told me I didn't need to use soap after every hand washing. She meant when we were in the kitchen and I got my hands gunky, I took it as she said it though & fought with my Mom for years about hand washing. I figured my Grandmother was older & knew more.

I hope these suggestions lead you into a solution.

R. Magby

J.,

If it were me, I'd probably just back off. This stuff happens with kids all the time. Hygiene is often very inconvenient to kids who are busy, and it can sometimes take a comment from a peer to click them into gear. Our love and affection, they want very deeply, and to be told that they are less than appealing can hurt deeply. It may be a struggle that she's so bent on winning to prove a point to herself, and she may not even be aware of it.

You mention that her mother has never taught her about hygiene. This might be worth having your husband speak to your stepdaughter's mom about. (Is there a larger problem at her mother's which social services needs to look into, or is her mom just resigned not to struggle with her daughter?) This little girl may be feeling some affinity to her mom by not complying with your family's requests in this area.

For what it's worth, I don't remember thinking much about this sort of thing when I was a kid. Hygiene was often a rote sort of thing as part of the daily routine. Perhaps offering to sit and spend time with her, to brush her hair and make a routine out of toothbrushing together. Just a thought.

As for the wiping, like I said, I'd let it go. I've taken care of plenty of kids who didn't wipe for a while, for whatever reason, and without adult involvement, the situation always resolved itself. This is her challenge, and if you make it yours, it only takes the focus off her self-care and can potentially create a power struggle.

My 9 yo granddaughter usually doesn't wipe either. And there is NO bad smell in her undies. I think that this is not a "battle" worth fighting.

Children do not usually have an odor. If she's bathing every couple of days, has clean panties everyday, is not leaking into her panties there should be no odor. My granddaughter usually sits a few seconds after she finishes peeing. That is enough time for the last drip to drop. Remember your daughter has no hair to catch the urine.

When we as parents focus so strongly on an issue we are apt to create a bigger problem yet. Just relax. This will work its self out as she gets older.

J.,

I empathize with your frustration. My 6-year-old refuses to wipe at all (after peeing or pooping) unless I'm standing there, making her do it. I don't understand what the issue is, she's otherwise clean and doesn't have a problem with other issues, she's just in such a huge hurry that she doesn't bother to do it unless she has to. I've tried everything I can think of but she just won't do it. (And I usually "catch" her because she's in too much of a hurry to flush most of the time as well). She manages to avoid making a mess of her underwear (though I don't know how) but I'm worried about health issues. I've explained to her that it can make her sick and that it's leaving gross germs on her body when she does this, but she just can't be bothered.

I had planned to discuss it with her pediatrician (and include her in the discussion) at her next check-up appointment, thinking maybe he can offer some suggestions or ask her questions that I can't think of or if he can get her to understand from a third party how important it is. That's all I can think of -- but I appreciate the other suggestions on here too.

Good luck to you and I hope you find something that works!

For some children dry toilet paper is really uncomfortable. Have you tried flusable wipes? They are more expensive but they are a lot more comfortable and actually more sanitary.
Another alternative is to teach her to pat instead of wipe. Patting absorbs the liquid without irritating soft tissues.

Yikes J.!
My first reaction was, 'make her wash her yucky undies", and Erin already has that nailed. Showing her how icky it is may work.
Good luck!

My daughter was the same way. After spending a few years living with her father and not having her do her daily hygiene we had a battle of getting her to do it. We reminded her EVERY day until she finally started doing it on her own.
Don't argue with her about it, just tell her she needs to do it or she'll get a rash. My daughter eventually started doing it without being told.
Now the hair brushing on the other hand..... She JUST started remembering to do it without being told this year, she turns 13 tomorrow, it was a constant battle getting her to do it on her own. (She HATES it when I do it.) I finally told her that if she didn't take care of her hair I was taking her straight to the hairdresser and having it all cut off! You'll be amazed how well that worked!

Have her do her own laundry.

What if you took her to the doctor and had the doctor explain what an happen if you have poor hygiene? Maybe hearing it from someone other than her parents she may take it seriously.
I also agree with her doing her own laundry. Just tell her that you will touch her underwear since it has pee on it.
Can you get her mom involved? If dad can talk to her I would see what she sees at her house. Maybe she is just really out of touch with her daughter and thinks this is allowed at your house and does not want to be the bad guy. (it does not sound like this is the case)
Good luck!

Unfortunately peer pressure may work at age 9. If you explain to her that kids may not like her as much if she stinks, then this might motivate her. Sometimes it has to come from a neutral source like a teacher perhaps too. You may want to talk to her teacher about it (if she feels comfortable with that...just a basic hygene talk). Good luck!

J.,
The only thing I could suggest is trying the wet wipes that are flushable. Come up with some story about the, mini baths, etc., but maybe the different texture and wetness might help her "like" it better.
Good luck.
R.

How about rewards--a special dress or outfit she only gets to wear when she wipes in front of you.

How about sending her to a camp or course that teaches her how to dress and be fashionalble (I know that that is not a real word but I'm sure you can get the idea.)

How about taking her to a hair salon to get a nice hair cut every six weeks or so when she regularly wipes.

Just some ideas.

How does she do in school does she have any learning disabilities. My daughter is dyslexic and often forgets the morning steps. For example brushing teeth, hair and yes wiping. Perhaps she just has poor memory. I would try writing lists for her of steps to do to get ready. Maybe have a health professional talk with her about hygiene. It may help if it comes from another voice.

What are you insane? Nobody should EVER wipe after use uriniating. Wipe only after bowel movements. What is wrong with you, crazy?