My Adopted 6 Year Old Says I Am Not His Real Mom.

Just talk it out with him little by little. I would wait until you around and you hear him say it. Then when you are alone let him know you heard him talking and you were wondering how he was feeling. Take it from there.

There are books on adoption. I think he's using the terms he understands, and you can explain that "real" doesn't necessarily mean "biological". He's only 6. My DD is nearly 5 and even though she's heard the terms "stepparent" and "stepmom" all her life, she still gets confused about why she doesn't have one, but her brother and sister do. I wouldn't fixate on "real". I would continue to use "birth mother."

He's working it out in his head. It's normal for him to do that.

You can tell him that you loved him so much that you chose him to be your son. And that you love him so much that you forget that he's adopted.

You need to remember that it's hard on an adopted child to deal with the fact, and yes, it's a fact, that his mother gave him away. You and I are adults and we understand that these things happen. To his 6 year old little self, it's actually traumatic, no matter how long he has known. As children grow, their sense of awareness changes and it goes through many stages. You need to accept this.

I would not call her by her first name. I'd call her "your birth mother" if you need to talk about her.

Why don't you ask him what he thinks she should be called. Do you have a relationship with her? Has he ever met or seen pictures of her? It's hard to know what the right thing to call her is without knowing what, if any, relationship there is with her.

I think calling her by her first name is probably a good idea, but I also don't think it's bad that he's saying he has a birth mother out there somewhere. Is he saying it to be mean to you? Or is he just stating it as a fact?

He is old enough to understand what it means to be adopted, but not really old enough to fully comprehend the whole situation. He doesn't know that you are his real mother because you are the one who raised him, cares for him, is there for him every day, and is the only true mother he will ever have. He just knows the definition of the word "real" meaning to be completely true and, since you didn't give birth to him, you are not "real" in that sense of the word.

Well.....
She IS his birth mom.
I think if I were in your position I would just talk about how he grew in his birth mom's belly but grew in your heart. That you have loved him from the moment you knew of him. That you were thrilled to be his mother, that God let you be his mother, and that you love him more than life itself.
I think he is just trying to understand, in his 6 year old way, what his position is in your life.
It's okay for him to know that the birth mom loved him too. She carried him to term and GAVE him to you (if that is your situation, of course). That is a HUGE thing that she did. The most selfless thing. And it is okay for him to know that you appreciate the gift of HIM that she gave you.
Why not acknowledge her? Unless there is something dirty and sordid I don't understand why you want to take "birth mother" from her....and him.
L.

Coming from the other side of things... I was adopted in a family realignment adoption when I was very small. My biological father still visited me, so we maintained a relationship even though my non-bio dad was really the one who raised me (with my bio mom). I can remember being very stressed from a very young age over what I was supposed to call whom and when. Example- around Mom and Dad, bio-dad was referred to by his first name. But around bio-dad, he was Dad and I was careful not to refer to my other Dad so I would not hurt his feelings. Occasionally I would refer to non-bio Dad by his first name, but then I felt disloyal. Around my friends, I referred to them both as my dad, but usually clarified "bio-dad" and "just dad." All that to say- don't get hung up on semantics. The linguistic gymnastics that I went through didn't change how I felt about any of my parents, it didn't change how I perceive them, it just caused me stress worrying about my parents' feelings.

It doesn't sound like he is saying it to be mean - he is just stating a fact - that he has another "mom". Maybe it is time to sit down and have a conversation with him about what a "real" mom is. Someone that loves, provides, and cares for a child - sometimes that person is the same woman who gave birth to them, but sometimes, like in your son's case, it isn't. The woman who gave birth to him gave you a beautiful gift, but that is where her giving ends and yours takes over.

It is one of those moments that might sting a little bit, but clarifying what a "real" mom is and ALL that it entails might help. His birth mom gave birth to him and picked YOU to be his REAL mom because she knew she wasn't up for the job at that point in her life - and that is okay :-) It's a beautiful choice/gift to make :-)

Sure, I think you should be Mom and the birth mom should be called by her first name. I would think that's what your son would want, also. You adopted him, you are his mom.

Have you asked him what he wants to call her?

It sounds like you adopted him many years ago, and he's always known it. What have you been calling the birth mother up until now?

It's common phraseology for kids to call birth parents their "real" parents, regardless of how much they love their adopted parents. If you and he have a good relationship, I wouldn't worry much about his use of the word "real" at this point. He will have a more nuanced understanding of what "real" is as he grows and matures.

Best response from AZneomom. Listen to it, and don't make your son go through what she so aptly termed "linguistic gymnastics."

Let him have his birth mom; she is his mother, too. Many adopted kids really need to believe they are loved by their birth mothers, and probably most are. His comments may give you pangs, and that's quite understandable from your point of view. But he needs to know that he wasn't "thrown away" by his birth mother, rather that she loved him enough to be very brave and find the kind of mother he needed.

And yes, you are his mother, too. I like the suggestions Birdsfreakmeout offered, as well as the other excellent responses.

I would not focus on calling her something else. I would focus on getting clarity yourself on what being a mother is so you can speak with him with confidence about how you are the real mother. Do you know who Dennis Prager is? Look him up, read him, listen to his radio show. He has a ton of insight into this topic: on how little genetics means to real parenting. I would focus on teaching him that his real mother is the one raising him.

As much as these moments give you pangs, recognize what they mean: He loves you and is certain enough of you and your permanence in his life that it does not occur to him to pander to your feelings. This is a sign of real deep seated security in a child. Congratulations you're doing it right!

It will also pass - and come back. There is ample room in his heart to love both of you. He needs to know he can love the fiction of her and should hear the best story you can give him truthfully of how she loved him enough to let him go. Letting him love her too will be a continuation of the great job you have already done is showing him what love looks like. It is doing the hard thing, the thing that is best for the other person even when sometimes it hurts us. This one should only hurt a little, he's just trying to get a handle on his world, but he knows you will be there holding his hand every step of the way.

If you have an open adoption, you might try to contact his bio mom. However, she may not want to contact back.

All adopted kids have a time in their life that they are trying to find out who they are and how they fit into the world.

Just be strong and go with the flow so to speak. Don't get upset or jealous of how he is acting. He has a mother and a mom and they are two different people. Mother who gave birth, mom who is raising and guiding him into adulthood. You are the one who is there to pick him up when he falls and skins his knees. You are there to witness the firsts in things. You are there when he feels bad and sad and happy and glad.

I say all this because I have an adopted son. He came to our home when he was five weeks old. My bio daughter keeps teasing me about him being a defect and we should have returned him for a refund. But she does love him and they get along well.

There are things that will come out when you least expect with the adopted child but it is all good.

Enjoy the journey of the child from your heart and not the womb.

the other S.

Times are changing and as with everything, sometimes there becomes a more preferred term. I make an effort to be appropriate, but not always pc, but I happen to love the preferred term of first mother, replacing birth mother. I have two children adopted at birth, that we had the privilege of bringing home from the hospital. We have always been very open about their adoption, but through the first mother choice, we have had no contact with one and just a sparse initial contact with another. My kids are now 17 and nearly 15. We have run the gamut in emotion.
First of all I would let your son say whatever he wants about his situation to his friends. To me, the first mom is always a rock star, just because they gave birth, regardless of the situation. Regardless of what you are called, you are the mom. Nothing can change that. I think doing some reading would be really helpful because there are a lot of emotions that go along with being adopted, and we cannot discount how our children feel. No matter how great your family/ situation/ opportunity is, frequently our children still feel like as a much as we wanted them, someone else didn't. I think one of the greatest things you can do for yr son is to give him his first mother in a very open manner. Let him lead the discussion but always let him know that every mom wants great for their child.
I say this with all the gentleness in the world, although it may hurt to be referred to as not his real mom, how your son feels is more important. I went through a time when one of my children would cry for their first mother, that they never met. I would just hold them and tell them how sorry I was, sometimes I would be teary too,but from thankfulness that this child was mine and how sad and full of hurt some of the greatest experiences in life are. I would also pray for blessings on their first mom and that some day God could restore whatever both my child and their first mom was missing, because of adoption.
My dreams came true. I am a mom. Nothing can take that away from me, and with that comes the opportunity to let our little people become individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, that I will nurture and respect. You have a precious gift, you get to parent your son.

Sounds pretty logical to me. He is at a stage where he is comfortable telling his friends. Just support it. After all, it's true. You just might ask him not to say "real mom." Then tell him that a mother is the person who nurtures you, kisses you and wipes tears away. So you are for sure REAL. But biologically, someone else carried him in their belly and was so smart to know that she needed help so she found the best lady out there to be the mom for her special little baby boy.

As an adoptive parent, I hate the terms "real mom" and "birth mom." While I am my daughter's current mom, she does have another out there in the world. Since my daughter is from China, she refers to her other mom as her mom in China, or her Chinese mom. Just because she couldn't parent my daughter, it doesn't mean she isn't her mother.

I wonder why it is a problem for your son to refer to his other mom as his birth mother? Do most people not know he is adopted? Children share things about their families with their friends, and to him, she is part of his family. I think by calling her by her first name now would be even more confusing to him. Ultimately, the terms used by your son and his birth mom will be theirs to decide if they establish a relationship as he grows up.

maybe use a little different approach?

tummy mommy = her
heart mommy = you

Is this an open adoption? Is she in his life? If yes, birth mother or even mother (her) vs. Mom or Mommy (you) could work. This could be a discussion for the 3 of you.

If she is not in his life, I suggest you follow his lead. My middle son has a birth mother, a foster mother, and a Mommy (me). He calls his foster mother by her name. He is not ready to talk about his birth mother, but I mention her at times, to keep the subject open. My husband sometimes wonders about his "mother" (birth mother) but calls the woman who raised him "Mom."

Obviously, with my bio-kids, it's easy. But I have the wonderful opportunity to S. this from an adult perspective (husband's) as well as a child's (middle son). My husband has always stressed the importance of letting the child lead. This can and will change over time. Some of the names he may choose may hurt you, but in the long run, as you know, it's not really about you. In the long run, he'll love you more fiercely for letting him have some power in a journey we non-adoptees cannot understand.

Hugs to you. Good luck!
e

I think just saying bio-mom is enough.

He's still young so understanding the nuances takes some time.

My 'step' children are my heart children, they weren't born of my body but instead were born of my heart. I am their mom (no involvement from bio-mom in over 15 years), they know what mom means, they know who has always been there for them. As youngsters though their understanding was more, um...fundamental, basic.

Keep communication open. If you hear him say that again, just guide the conversation a little, agree to his facts but reassure him that you ARE his real mom, but that he is blessed to also have a bio-mom.

I wouldn't worry about it, adopted kids go through many emotions on it. I would have a gentle talk with him and let him know that he can call one his birth mother and you his mom, or adopted mom. Let him know that "real mother" isn't really a term that makes sense because both of you are his "real" mothers.

Believe me, it will start to bother him the other way when he gets older! I am adopted and when I got older people would ask "Is that your real mother?" meaning my adopted mom and I would get all insulted and say "Of course she's real, she isn't pretend!"

Two things for YOU ... Read "Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self" and get a subscription to Adoptive Families magazine. Both will help you with understanding his developmental perspective at this point and in the future.

For HIM ... S. if you can find these books (I got most of them from Amazon) ...

1. I wished for you (Marianne Richmond)
2. I don't have your eyes (Carrie A. Kitze)
3. A mother for Choco (Keiko Kasza)
4. Zachary's New Home (Geraldine M. Blomquist)
5. Rosie's Family (Lori Rosove)

You don't mention how he was adopted (overseas, open, foster care). How he was adopted makes in difference. You might also want to consider making a Lifebook for him that will help him tell his story his way about adoption and what it means ,,,, especially if he came through the foster care system. Here's a resource on those ... http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/

The agency you adopted from should also have some resources to help you through this. But, seriously .... The Being Adopted book will help you now and in the future and the magazine if chock full of ideas on how to talk with kids at each developmental stage.

Find a book. There has got to be one about animals. Maybe on the tells what happens when the mother is not around and the extraordinary measures taken to raise the baby animal. I think it would give him perspective and allow you some breathing room.

He's working his way through this. He is going to say many things as he does. It hurts when you love him so much and he says you're not his real mom.

There are many many many books at the local library for kids that are about being adopted. I suggest you ask the children's librarian for some suggestions. The one at the Southern Oaks library here in OKC has a whole huge book with lists of books on many topics. When I was working on my CDA I used that book relentlessly while I was building my reference file.

He needs to understand that yes, he does have a genetic donor out there who chose to give him life instead of an abortion but they are no longer part of his life. That you chose him out of all the other baby's in the world, that you picked him.

He will get through this in time. I don't know how long it takes though. If he is obsessing over it you may want to visit with a psychologist about the next step you need to take to sort of boot him into the next stage....