My Adult Son

I totally agree with J J. I have been in almost the exact situation and until you stop, they will keep repeating bad behaviors. Stop enabling now!! You cannot make him take medication - I couldn't force my son. They have to come to some resolution on their own at that age. It's time for some tough love here.

Bipolar is not diagnosed with a blood test. A psychologist has to diagnose.

I have a 26 year old son that is very irresponsible. There just had to come a time where I gave him a deadline and had to stick to it. We will not allow him to move back in. He's had his chances and blown them. Right now, he lives in his van. It's extremely difficult for me to just turn my back and allow it. I just had to harden my feelings towards and him do it.

If you keep letting him stay there and/or come back, you are enabling him. You MUST be tough. The bipolar possibility - well, he is an adult and it is HIS problem. If he is willing to take care of it, then you can support him, but you cannot force your will on him any longer.

Good luck!

Hi F.,

I know all to well what your going through.

It's times like these that we realize we need more then we can give. There are some really good suggestions on the comments below.

I wouldn't turn my back on him, He is sick. But, You should set some rules and stick by them. It's like any child, telling them over and over to do something and not follow through with your intention to do anything about it only allows them to continue because they know you won't. They now control the situation.

I think therapy is a great idea. I also think that if you have a church near you that you can just go in and sit by yourself and have a one on one with yourself and God, that would be great too.

Listen to your heart and you can't go wrong. In saying that, it doesn't mean you let everyone or anyone run all over you. If what you've been doing isn't working, then it's time to do something else and some of these ladies have great ideas.

I send you and your family Love and Light to the situation.

Love and Light,
Rev. G. Hudson, Reiki Master.
www.reikigailhudson.com

Hi F., If your son is worried about the side effects of the meds, I know of nutritional supplements that has helped so many and very safe.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

I have heard this similar story 3 times this week! Wow. In this day and age we are hand holding our kidz too much. They are babies until they are 30! ICK! It is way past time for him to get out. Doesn't mean u don't love him any less. Get a time table in place. Give him a date to move out. Help find info for him as far as cheap apartments, how to find a room mate, etc.... I hope he has a J O B! You cannot bail him out anymore! Time to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I would tell him. You can live here for 3 more months as long as you see doc for bilpolar (mom pays) Let professional tell him wat to do if it's positive. You must be working, you must be looking for place to stay. If he doesn't agree. This is your 2 week notice.

Dad needs to give the terms, and back it 100%
Change the locks on the house once he is out. You are enabling this future father and future husband....Time for him to grow up!

Actually, he needs the military!

This is hard, but it's getting to the point of being too late. Good Luck!

If he is interested in natural ways to work through bipolar, Dr. Chalmers may be able to help...I would DEFINITELY call to ask. They have helped with anxiety, depression, etc. so I would think they could with this as well.

http://chalmerswellness.com

He is in Frisco.

Hello
I am so sorry for your struggle. You might call the Center for Aging and Disability and see if they have any resources for you. They may have some housing information for you, like a group home, where nurses would come and see that his meds are being taken. Even if you could get him to go to a psychiatrist, he HAS to be med compliant for it to help. You might even just start by seeing if some couseling would help. You might address it like, I think a counselor help you addres why you keep feeling the need to move home and why you fail to take responsibility for your actions. After some counseling, he may recongize that medications may be helpful adn be willing to take that step. You might also call some local social workers and see if they have any resources for you.
Good luck,

That is a tough situation. However, by continuing to bail him out, and letting him move back in, etc., you are enabling all this behavior of his.

He is an adult and needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. You mentioned you have hit rock-bottom, which is sad, because HE is the one with the poor choices, and he feels nothing. TIme for him to pay the price of irresponsibility. Stop bailing him out. I know it is hard and seems harsh, but he obviously isn't learning anything thing by your fixing his mistakes all the time. Let him suffer the consequences.

As for the bi-polar, he is an adult. You cannot force your will on him anymore. Perhaps if HE hits rock bottom, he will realize he needs to address the bi-polar and get his act together. Obviously what you're doing now isn't working. So stop.

My mother is bipolar and has fought the medication all her life. She also has a personality disorder as a result of how everyone has treated her over her entire life. Everyone has walked on eggshells and babied her and now in her 60's she acts like a spoiled child and still refuses help. Our dad died 12 years ago and I got her into a great doctor and she was on a good path until about three years ago when she decided she hated all her doctors and quit going and quit taking her meds. After a few months and a hospital stay, she got back on meds and was okay for a couple of years, but for the past few months, she stopped her meds and is not doing well at all--to put it mildly! My sister and I are at our wits end with her because we have young children. When she is manic, she scares the kids, and we refuse to let her be around them to experience the hell we did as kids. She is going through an episode right now and even after an forced 8-day stay in a hospital, she is still way off balance and refuses help from anyone, including us. Yet, she will show up at our houses and beat on the doors and windows. My sister's neightbors called her at work last week because she was outside her house ranting and cussing them out for not opening the door and no-one was even home! The bottom line is that if your son is bi-polar, there is nothing you can do to help him until he admits he has this problem and accepts the help. Cut him loose now and save the rest of your family. Perhaps without your safety net he will accept help. That is what my sister and I decided to do yesterday after my mom kicked the case workers out of her house and refused help. It is hard, but this situation is tough no matter what you do. As you are aware, this problem is like any other disease that requires medicine--a chemical disorder that requires meds, so it is hard to understand why they fight it. I pray that your son and my mom could do as well as you have with this disease! Hang in there and don't let this hurt you!

I am sorry for your situation. I have an aunt who had a similar situation with her son. She and her husband would continue to allow him to live with them on and off through his 20's; always threatening to kick him out if he doesn't get a job, etc. He would always seem to get himself into some sort of trouble. Well, my uncle decided to not support him any longer after a certain point, but my aunt would always sneak him money as needed. As a mother, it was really tough on her to just abandon her son - as you can imagine. Finally, by his late 20's they made a decision to not support him and go into family therapy. This ocurred after some major events that went down that I won't get into. So my suggestion would be to go into therapy as a family. If your son does not want to go, then you and your husband should go. There is a lot more going on that you realize and you should work through that in therapy - it has made things a lot better for my aunt and uncle. And for their son to some degree. He no longer lives with them and is not supported by them any longer. My aunt and uncle went through a very difficult time. They also think that he may be bipolar. Hopefully, you will get some other sound advice. There is probably not one solution.

F., I don't know what city or county you are in but most have a sliding scale treatment center for therapy and meds. They usually have good resources for work and help with teaching mentally ill people how to get on their feet. Collin county offers these for example:
http://www.lifepathsystems.org/MR/Services.aspx
http://www.thesamaritaninn.org/
As Robyn said, set a date and stick to it. You do not need to pay his bail or make sure he has money saved; that is his obligation. I am sure he is not going to be happy being booted out while sis. is still at home. Please make sure to protect yourself from the anger that may bring. I suggest changing locks and keepng the phone close by for 911. I hate to even suggest it but if he is bypolar he is unstable if untreated. Just remember this too shall pass. It maybe the best thing for him to have to rely on himself.

The best thing you can do is get him into a place that will diagnose him. Here in Arlington Millwood Hospital does it. You'll have to look around in your area. You can also get help through http://www.bpso.org/ It sounds like your son needs to see that he isn't going to become a medicated zombie and see some people who are living happy normal lives despite their bipolar disorder. Sometimes with relatives that have it, you attach your personal feelings to their condition. I know I did growing up. It is best for him just to hang out with others where there are no preexisting feelings. Also just a good counselor may help. If there is something he has a passion for (music, art, etc) see if you can get him to go to a connection group of some sort to network. I know the whole ticket/warrant thing is a pain (I have a friend who has the same issues). But as my husband and I said to our friend if you can do the crime you can do the time. Often the city will let you community service it out. He can either work and make some money to pay them, serve the time, or try and get it paid off through community service, but in no circumstances should you be paying for his mistakes. As far as moving out, if he is living in your home make him pay you rent (sit that money aside to pay for his security deposit for moving out). Then when he moves out you'll show how putting money aside will quickly accumulate.

Texas Rehabilitation Commission or Mental Health Mental Retardation of Texas in the phone book.

I am seeing this trend with young adults repeatedly. It's time to allow your son to face consequences for his actions. He's an adult now and will finally figure it out if you STOP bailing him out! It's no longer your job to pick him up when he falls. Let him fall and do NOT come to his rescue again. If you insist on allowing him to stay with you he'd better pay rent and pull his weight otherwise he should be evicted. I know you love him-but that doesn't mean you should reward his behaviors.

Perhaps he is bi-polar but even bi-polar people CAN function and must take responsibilities for their actions. Too often these disorders are used as excuses for poor judgment and behavior. I feel no guilt saying so because bi-polar/ manic depression run in my family very heavily. I can name 4 young men whose parents are in the same situation. None of them have "grown up" yet-except for the one whose parents now practice tough love. Let him know you love him-not his actions and that he'll have to take responsibility because you've done your job and now it's tiem he left the nest.

God's strength and patience to you and your husband and God's constant presence and guide to your son.

You do not HAVE to Bail Him Out !!! You CHOOSE to bail him out! You are not happy with your choices or with the results. You are, very likely, afraid of what will happen to him if you do not bail him out. Fear is a powerful force. You cannot control his choices, the choices he makes. You can, however, control your choices. Much of the advice centers on a tough love approach ... let him hit bottom, etc. That approach is ultimately the only one that seems to break the cycle of this type of behavior. The bi-polar aspect is something that I have no real insight into so cannot comment on what that adds to the problem, but it is certainly an additional complication you must consider. You would benefit from counsel yourself from professionals as you work with him ... that would help you as you work through the tough choices that will be required to deal with this young man for the rest of life, both his and yours. Hang in there, but get support from pros (these can be doctors, good friends who have been there and are steady, many good ideas in earlier notes to you) and keep on trying for him, and be aware that trying for him may not always be the obvious and bailing him out! Takes courage on your part, Takes work oh your part, but really feels good when it works for both of you!

Grandma GiGi

I could not believe that I was reading your message. If you had not said 22 instead of 24 I would have thought I had wrote your message. I wish I could offer you some advice but I am in the same situation. I certainly look foward to seeing any advice they may give. My son is home and we (husband and I) want him out. It is heartbreaking but we just cannot carry him when it does not appear he is trying. He won't work with his Dad and has not found work because he has tickets and license are held as a result. All I know to do now is pray

have your son talk to a shrink. perhaps getting an outside opinion would help. men have a problem taking "altering" meds ie good medication because it might effect their libido. sometimes you have to be in the touch love mode to let your children learn from their errors. check out dr. phil's website. good luck.

I remember years ago seeing a few bipolar support groups led by a doctor or doctors. The most active one at that time was on the Ft. Worth side. Having good experiences with support groups, I think that is your best bet. You can find out what other parents and doctors have found to work or to try. If they have a sub group for people who don't take their meds for various reasons, perhaps you could get him to go to those on condition that if he doesn't, he goes. Peer groups are more persuasive. Lastly, for various problems like this, you could do an "intervention" led by a trained person. This gathers around him all the people he loves that are negatively affected by his actions. They give specific examples of what they know and how it affected them. When they are overwhelmed with reality by people they trust, they can see that they can't fool themselves or anyone else. This could be your best chance to educate and convince him -- while he is under your roof. Good luck!