Hi S.!
First, let me say that is sounds like you are a great mom with a great group of kids. It is wonderful that you have such a great relationship with your daughter, it’s great that you realize what a good girl & student she is and want to reward that accordingly, and I also think that it’s great that you’re giving this some consideration instead of telling her “yes” or “no” right away.
Second, I apologize in advance for how long this post is going to be, I guess I’m just one of those people that talk too much. I’m going to give you my opinion, the reasons for it, and then some options for what you and your daughter can do before reaching your ultimate decision.
My Opinion
If it were me, I wouldn’t let her get the belly ring. Ultimately, the decision is up to you and many others brought out some good points for both sides.
Here are my reasons why not:
-I think 14 is too young. Not because of the responsibility, but I just don’t think a 14yo should wear a belly ring or anyone under 18 for that matter. I don’t have a problem with belly rings…I just don’t think they’re appropriate for young/teenage girls, something about a teenage girl wearing one just rubs me the wrong way.
-With the belly ring could come the desire to start dressing to show it off. Are you ready for her to begin wearing mid-drifts?
-With the belly ring/mid-drifts comes more attention from guys. Is that the kind of attention you want your 14yo getting? Unfortunately, belly rings are “sexy” whether someone means them to be or not and regardless of their intentions behind getting it. Boys are already going to begin to show her attention and even more so with the belly ring/mid-drift. You want to be sure that she’s getting attention for the right reasons.
-If she wants a belly ring at 14, what will she want at 15 or 16? Will it begin to change how she dresses or acts, and will the way she dresses only get more provocative with age? Maybe not, but it’s something to consider. This may not be a precedent that you want to set.
-Belly piercings are a lot of responsibility and there is a great risk of infection. Personally, at 27, I wouldn’t want to take the risk of getting pierced and having to deal with infection…in fact…I don’t even want the pain involved in actually getting pierced. And I wouldn’t want to see my daughter (if I had one) get an infection and be in pain, uncomfortable, or have a scar.
-Her body isn’t done changing at 14. The piercing may be fine now and then begin to give her problems later on as she matures and her hormones change. I had my ears pierced when I was 7 and didn’t have any problems with them (I had my ears pierced in a doctor’s office…just one in each ear). All of the sudden at around 16 my right ear began reacting to earrings. To this day, regardless of whether I wear gold, silver, surgical steel, etc., if I put an earring in my right ear it gets red, swollen, itchy, and begins to puss.
-What about her younger sisters? If you allow this daughter to get a piercing…will the others want one when they are 14? This may not be a problem, but what if they aren’t as responsible. My sister and I (a year apart) were both good kids and we both had contact lenses…but my sister was never responsible with them, always losing them, ripping them, not caring for them properly. She even scratched her cornea once because she didn’t clean them properly. Even if your other kids are good kids, you may have one that just isn’t responsible enough to care for the piercing and ends up getting a bad infection…but if big sis got one at 14 is it fair for them not to?
-You said that “she is truly still a little girl”. But obviously she’s showing some signs of growing up if she wants a belly ring. At this age she will begin to grow up and change more rapidly. This particular thing (belly ring) is something that you may not want to rush in the “grown up” department. High school is a whole other world and brings out many new opportunities and possibilities that she didn’t have before (good and bad), and the school work will become more difficult. Things are going to begin to change for the both of you and hopefully it will be a pleasant experience. She is going to begin to grow up no matter what…but in this particular instance…why rush it?
-Why does she want the belly ring? If it’s for the wrong reasons, then don’t let her get it. Even if it’s for self-esteem, I think it’s a bad idea. True self-esteem comes from the inside, not the outside. I remember watching “The Swan” where they gave her one of those extreme makeovers. She felt really good about herself for a little while and then later she went on Dr. Phil and was saying how she still felt bad about herself and still felt ugly. Of course, that might not be why she wants it, but I just wanted to mention that.
About rebellion
Quite a few people mentioned that if she doesn’t get it now she’ll get it later or find a way around it. I just want to say that not every kid is rebellious; it’s really just a personality thing. If my mom told me no about something when I was younger…I just left it at that. My sister on the other hand would try to find every way to get around a rule or do the opposite of what she was told. We were raised by the same exact parents…we just had different personalities.
Just because you tell a kid “no”…doesn’t mean they’re going to run around being all rebellious. I believe that ground rules need to be laid down…I mean, we can’t go around just saying “yes” to everything because we feel things will be worse if they rebel.
Once kids turn 18, they’re going to do what they want regardless of what their parents told them. They’re going to get piercings, tattoos, date who they want, and dress how they want…even if their parents were lenient with them.
I just don’t want you to feel like you have to say yes for fear that your good little girl will turn into a hellion because you wouldn’t let her get her belly button pierced. That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.
Either way, whether you decide to tell her yes or no, below is the way that I would handle it if it were me. I think it’s a responsible approach and it keeps the communication with your daughter open and has her involved in the decision making.
Your talk with her
Set aside a time to talk to her, when it’s just the two of you with no interruptions (maybe pop some popcorn or have some ice cream while you talk), be sure there’s no tv or music on in the background that might be a distraction. Then the conversation could go something like this:
“I know that your birthday is coming up and you’ve mentioned that you want to get your belly button pierced. I want you to understand that getting a belly ring isn’t the same as getting your ears pierced and it can be more painful and you might get some infections. If I were to allow you to get this piercing it would be a very grown up thing, and because of that I’m going to ask you to help me make this decision like a grown up. (Now you would explain the things that you want her to do, make the list of why she wants it, the research, etc.) I know that this sounds like a lot to ask instead of me just saying “yes or no”, but getting a belly piercing would be a big responsibility. Now, remember, I have not made my decision yet…you may do all of this work and I might still say “no”, it’s up to you whether or not you want to bother doing this work. However, if you decide not to do any of this work, I will tell you now that the answer is no. Is this something that you are willing to do?”
(If she says “no”, then it’s not that big of a deal to her to begin with and it also shows that she might not want the responsibility of caring for the belly ring if she doesn’t even want the responsibility of doing the research. But if she says “yes”…tell her that you’ll meet again in two weeks or a month (however long you think she needs to do her research) and she can show you her research and you two can discuss it again.)
Do the research
I think it’s important for your daughter to do some research on her own to show her responsibility/maturity in the matter. But you still need to do your own research separately. This way if she does not bring you enough information or only went onto “pro-piercing” websites that weren’t as informative, you still have some backup information to show her.
The 2nd Talk
When you have your second meeting where she is to show you her “homework”, let her go first. Let her show you the different things that she wrote, what she found, have her read it to you and you can go over it and discuss it together. You may ask her to expound on what she wrote, such as if under “reasons why I want a belly ring” she put, “because it’s cute”…you might want to ask her what does that mean, explain it to me, etc. After you’re all done discussing the information that she has, now it’s time to discuss the information that you have. Show her your own info, websites, pictures, etc. that you have found out about piercing. Tell her what the doctor said, the piercing parlors, and others that you’ve talked to, etc.
Once you’ve both went over this info ask her if she still want the piercing and if she would care for it properly, etc. After finding out all about it, she may just change her mind and not even want the piercing. If she does still want it, then tell her you need some time to make your decision and you’ll meet again to give her your answer.
Why the 3rd meeting? Well, after you do your own research, you may decide that it’s ok for her to get the piercing. However, I think you should have time to consider the info that she brought to you. Perhaps some of the reasons why she wants the piercing may concern you, or perhaps she didn’t put a lot of effort into gathering the info. Some of what she says to you may cause you to change your decision. Or perhaps after doing your own research you decide that you don’t want her to get the piercing. You don’t want to just blurt out “no” after she spends the time gathering info and have a discussion about it. I think it is best (even if you’ve already made your mind up one way or the other), to take some more time. I think that she’ll feel that you’re really considering her work and treating her like a grown up and she’ll really understand about making informed, responsible decisions. This also proves as a very positive lesson for future decision making and she’ll remember it as she gets older and needs to make more & more decisions on her own. I don’t know if she’s the type of kid that would “bug” you for an answer, like, “have you made your decision yet? have you made your decision yet?”…if she is, then tell her that you won’t discuss the belly piercing again until your final “meeting”.
The Decision
If you decide no –
-Tell her how proud you are of all of the work she did researching (unless of course, she didn’t do much research…then that would be on your list of reasons why not). Tell her how proud you are of her for being such a good daughter and a good student.
-Now tell her that you have decided not to let her get the piercing and give her all of the reasons why not.
-Ask her if there’s anything else special that she’d like for her birthday. Or come up with another great special alternative for it, and tell her that you’ve planned something else very special for her that you’ll surprise her with on her birthday.
If you two are as close as you say, I feel that she’ll really respect your decision and although she may be a little disappointed, I highly doubt she’ll fly off the handle and begin to rebel.
-You also need to be clear with her about your decision. Is this a firm “never-ever” until she’s 18 and can get it on her own decision? Or is this a “not right now/ wait till 16” decision? If you do tell her that she can get it later…then you have to be fair and not change your mind about it later. More about this under “If you decide yes”.
If you decide yes –
-Tell her how proud you are of all of the work she did researching. Tell her how proud you are of her for being such a good daughter and a good student.
-Tell her that you’ve decided to let her get the piercing, but there are some conditions that she’ll need to agree to first.
-Now you discuss with her about keeping her grades up, her responsibilities for caring for it, the kind of clothes that are inappropriate to wear, and your limitations for the future (these things are all mentioned below).
-I would also make a “one time only” rule. So if the ring needs to be removed because of infection or because she didn’t uphold the conditions…it comes out and never goes back in. You don’t want to make a habit of the ring coming out as a form of grounding and having to have it constantly repierced.
-As silly as it sounds, I would even write out a “contract”. Basically you just make a list of all of the conditions that she’s to uphold and you both sign it. This way there’s no arguments later that one of you isn’t holding up their end of the deal. It’s also another grown up and responsible thing that I believe will stick out in her mind as she’s getting older.
-If you set out all of these conditions and ask her to sign the contract and she doesn’t agree to it, then that’s the end of that. I would also let her know that this “deal” is only good right now. She can’t decide that she doesn’t want to agree to it now and then a month or year later decide that she’ll sign it and get the piercing.
Perhaps you decided that she can get the piercing but that she must wait (whether it be 6 months or until she’s 16, whatever you decide)…then you will still lay out all of the conditions mentioned above (including the contract) right now. She’s to uphold the conditions up until she gets pierced and afterwards. If you tell her that she can get pierced when she’s 16 and at 15 her grades start slipping…then she doesn’t get the piercing at 16 unless she brings her grades back up. I would also be sure to mention attitude and behavior in your conditions. Unfortunately sometimes a kid that’s sweet as pie can turn into a back-talking brat when going they’re through puberty. Let’s hope that this doesn’t happen, but in the off-chance that it does…you don’t want to have to reward the smart-mouthed 16yo with a belly ring that was meant for the well-behaved 14yo. So be sure that she knows if she starts acting up in the meantime, the deal is off.
Mom’s Homework
1. Make a list of cons. All the reasons why you think she shouldn’t get a belly ring. Be honest and thorough. Cover everything from her age, to the responsibility, infections, and boys.
2. Make a list of pros. All the reasons why you think it is ok for her to get a belly ring. This would include all of the things you mentioned about her being a good student and a good kid, and any other reasons you would have for approving the piercing.
3. Make a list of conditions if you were to allow her to get a piercing. Grades must stay good, must keep her room clean, stay well-behaved, etc. If she doesn’t hold up to one or more of these conditions, the piercing comes out. I would also make a clothing list, of things that you find inappropriate to wear and won’t change just because of the belly piercing (If she doesn’t wear mid-drifts now, it won’t be “ok” all of the sudden just because she has a piercing to show off).
4. Make a list of limitations for the future, things that you won’t allow her to do (especially if there’s other things that she’s mentioned), such as no tongue ring or tattoos when she turns 16 just because she’s older and already has a belly ring.
5. Talk to her doctor/family doctor and get their opinion on the matter and any additional information they could give you on the subject.
6. Do research online about piercings, infections, etc.
7. Research local places that are an option for getting the piercing. Talk to the different places and get their feedback on it as well.
8. Do you know other adults or teens that have a belly piercing? Talk to all of them and/or their parents. Find out their reasons for getting the piercing, where they went, their experiences, what doctor they used if/when they got an infection, their reason for removing it (if they have), etc.
Daughter’s Homework
1. Write a paper or make a list of the reasons why she wants the belly piercing.
2. Make a list of pros and cons for getting a piercing.
3. Do research about piercings, caring for them, infections, etc. She should make a list of info, “bookmark” pages, and/or print out info to show her findings to mom.
4. Perhaps “interview” some people that she knows that have belly piercings.
An alternative “gift”
If you decide not to let her get her belly-button pierced, but you still want to do some special for her…consider this. Perhaps have a mother-daughter “spa” day. Go out just the two of you and get facials, a manicure, and pedicure. If it’s something that she’s interested in, maybe even take her to a salon for a new hairdo/cut and/or take her out and buy her a new outfit. Maybe even take her out to eat at her favorite restaurant or perhaps a nice adult restaurant that she may like to go to. I think it would be a great bonding time for just the two of you, she’s getting pampered, and she’ll feel like an adult. You don’t have to do all of it, maybe just pick a few things that she’d like…but it would still be special for her especially if you don’t do it all the time.
No matter what you decide…
You may have already made up your mind one way or the other. Either way, please don’t just go up to her and say, “I’ve decided no.” or “Yay! Let’s go get pierced today”. I think that the discussion and the research will be beneficial either way, for your daughter. It can either highlight the cons for her and she may change her mind (or at least understand “why” better if you say no)….or if you decide “yes” she’ll understand that this is an adult responsibility that she’ll have to deal with maturely. If you act all non-chalant about it and just go skipping off to the tattoo parlor…she may not understand the responsibility that will come along with caring for it. No matter what you decide this is a great way to teach her about making responsible decisions and show her that she can come to you about things and you will consider them and help her. It may sound like a lot of work, but I think it’s the best way to go.
Well, wow…I hope that helped some. I really do apologize for it being so long. I’m sure all of the ladies on here would like to hear about how you end up handling this…whether she gets the ring or not and how you went about it. You sure did get a lot of responses and advice here to think over. I wish you the best of luck and kudos again for being such a good mom with great kids!
God bless,
J. B
Beaver Falls, PA
P.S. Totally off the subject, but I have a girls youth group and Bible study that meet once a month and it’s for girls ages 12-18, there’s about 16 girls that attend right now. If you live in Beaver County and think that Rayiesha would be interested in joining us, just check our website and then contact me for more info: www.christiangirlclub.com