My Best Friends New Husband Will Not Allow Her to Be Friends with Me!

you can't make her choices for her. nothing you tell her to try to "convince" her to leave him will do it (you deserve better! he doesn't deserve you! you shouldn't have to deal with this!) unless she wants to make that decision. one thing i'd do though - CONSTANTLY remind her that her daughter is seeing this. she will think it's okay to be treated like this and she WILL model her mother's behavior when it comes to relationships. i would bring it up as often as i could. as a mom, that is the one thing that would make me leave a situation like this. not for myself. for my child.

Enslavement. It's modern day enslavement. I am so sorry that your friend is having to go through this and I know, how hard it is for you to see your friend trapped in such an awful situation with such an ogre.

You are right that she is going to have to be the one to save herself but it would help if you contact an abused womens shelter to get some advise on how you can help your friend and get some information about the services that they offer for you to pass along to your friend for when she is ready to realize that divorce is not necessarily a threat but a promise of something good -- a life of freedom for her and her daughter.

Sending you and your friend prayers of strength and courage.

Remind her that her daughter will model her behavior when she grows up. Does she really want her daughter to get stuck in a relationship like this? Suggest that she show her daughter how to stand up for oneself and leave a bad situation.

she's in an abusive relationship, but only she will leave when she's ready. Remind her that her daughter is at risk - if she hasn't been abused yet, I wouldn't be surprised if that's on the horizon. Learn as much as you can from the police and women's shelters what you can do if she does ask for your help cause you want to keep her and yourself safe. I wonder if you can get her to think about why she stays so she can see that there's no real reason to stay? Good luck!

http://www.kold.com/Global/story.asp?S=12567619 - here's a little example of how things can go bad for the stepdaughters. Most stepdads are loving, but in her case, he's not, and her daughter's an easy target.

She should be able to get it annuled....SEVEN months....she could be dead in the next 7 months if he keeps up this rate of control and manipulation....as it can quickly trun into something more. Has she done a background check on him? You might want to, if she won't.

You cannot make her leave him. You can only be a supportive friend for her if and when she does decide to leave. She is the one who has to finally get sick of all his bad behavior before she can be strong eonugh to leave. She should maybe start out by getting a job, and sock a little money away. I don't know how her husband would react to this, since he doesn't even want her going outside of the home to have friends.

The point is, even if you hate him, and would kick him to the curb immediately, she is obviously not ready to do this, and it doesn't seem like she is in a position financially to leave, as she is a SAHM. She has a debit card it sounds like... I would open a checking account in my name only, and slowly begin transferring small amounts of money from one account to the other. I know you say that you don't have the money to help her, but I bet if you made small sacrifices here and there, you could contribute $20 here or there. It adds up. I feel for her. Good luck.

K.

Sounds like the best thing that can happen is he finds out you still talk and he leaves. She needs to get counseling and it would be nice if he'd go, but usually assholes like that won't agree to it because they see nothing wrong with being so controlling. She needs professional help, take her to see a therapist. She obviously has extremely low self-esteem and that's not something you can change:(

She is definatley in an abusive relationship, however only she can decide to leave. You need to let her know when she is ready to get healthy you are here to help, but you will not be party to just listening to her complain.

There is the answer there, continue to talk so she can get out by his choice. He says he will divorce her, isn't that what you both want anyway?
Makes sense to me!
She isn't seeing things clearly. He has damaged her mind so much it seems, that she is blind to all the bad. She may need therapy, she has been torn down so much.
Do what you can to help her, but the choice is all hers in the end.
Good luck and God bless!

I agree w/ everyone else. But to add to this issue. Try to tell how this effecting her 13 old boys. This a time where boys get there confidence in liking girls and if they see how he is treating her, WHAT do you think they will do to there girlfriend or wives. I have been in a controling relationship as a teen and it took me 6 yrs to get out of it. I had the help of my family and friends. So as a BF DON'T give up and stay by her side NO MATTER how much you get annoyed with HER & HIM. She will need someone to turn to when she wakes up and smells the coffee.
GL to U and HER
C. C

you said it best when she has had enough she will leave. what can you really do, besides be the good freind that you are being to her. just continue yo let her know that your door is always open to her if and when she needs it.but sometimes the more we encourage someone to leave the more the want to stay and she might start thinking like him and kick you to the curb. so firnly let her know one more time that she and her daughter are welcome to your home and leave the issue alone! I know it hurts to see someone we care about in a messed up situation and want to just wrap them under our wings and solve the problem for them but it just doesn't work like that most time. but if she leaves don't throw the " i told you so's" at her just listen and congratulate her on making the decision and help her move on with her life. but in all honesty if you can move do so! i had a friend and i really did not care for her boyfriend( had a bad feeling about him) and i never let them come over didn't even let her know where my house was directly. she ended up having to run from him one day and he couldn't find her. but when he was looking for her everyhouse he went to drama was started. so nine times out of ten he will bring drama to your house if he looks for her. so be prepared. wasn't really worried about drama at my house because i keep a shotgun in my house. so just kind of prepare yourself when putting yourself in this situation. so basically just keep being a good friend and hopefully she can and will leave this situation. good luck and you both are in my prayers.

im doing my best to fix things

I am so sorry your friend is going through this. She is probably completely overwhelmed by what she feels is her own fault. Falling in love and then marrying someone she really did not know. I am also VERY concerned about her children.

It happens all of the time, but it is not a fault. The best part is she can fix this. She is probably depressed. Part of depression is that you become so tired, you can hardly make day to day decisions, so making a huge decision like leaving or asking for help is way overwhelming.

Let her know that you will always be her best friend. Let her know you are willing to help.

Also see if you can send her this link or print out the list and get it to her, so she can decide what she can do or would like to do.It is a list of signs you are in a abusive relationship.
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

You can use the words. "I miss you." "I am concerned about you." Or if you 2 had a funny thing you used to say to each other include it at the top of the note.. My best friend from college and I can say "Taste Buds" It was a funny incident from college that cracks us up each time and reminds us of our friendship.
I am sending you hope and your friend the truth and strength.

Encourage her to talk to a local pastor and get some counseling. Most non-denominational or evangelical free churches will do it for free!