My Boyfriend of 6 Years Does Not Give My 13 Year Old Christmas Gift or Birthday

Sounds like a winner

This isn't Twitter. You're allowed to, oh I don't know, actually discuss your situation, and politely ask for advice or insight.

Examples: my boyfriend refuses to acknowledge my 13 year old and won't spend one penny on a birthday gift for her. He won't speak to her. What can I do? We live with him and can't move out because I have nowhere to go. I'm afraid of him.

Or: my boyfriend gives me money and tells me to buy a gift from both of us. Is that typical? He says he doesn't mind if I shop for both of us.

Or: I wish he had a better relationship with my daughter. He buys gifts for his own biological daughter and my daughter feels left out. I have tried explaining it to him but he says she's my kid and not his.

Or: my 13 year old stole my boyfriend's wallet and he won't forgive her. Now he says he will never buy her another gift. How can she regain his trust?

Or: my 13 year old lives with her dad in Argentina and my boyfriend has never met her but I think he should send her gifts.

Or: my boyfriend is a great step-dad and provides very well for us, and is a true gentleman, but he doesn't know what to give a 13 year old. How can I encourage him to buy her some flowers or give her a little gift?

See how it works? You and all the other one-question/no details people. Tell us something. Explain what the problem is, and what you've done. Then other moms on here offer insight and advice and wisdom and ideas, which you are free to ignore or accept.

Otherwise, put 144 characters on Twitter and see what happens.

You've put up with this guy for six years, so I doubt anything we say is going to make much difference.

Any boyfriend who responded to this question with, "I don't feel like it," would not be someone I would keep in my life. But you apparently like this rude guy, so I don't know what to tell you.

And no, asking this question of your boyfriend is not "making a big deal." You should be able to ask your boyfriend a simple question and expect a polite and communicative response.

So why are you putting up with an inconsiderate jerk for that long? That's on you.

That's nice. Thanks for sharing.

Has he done this the whole 6 years you've been together (since your daughter was 7 yrs old)?
Sounds like he's not husband/father material.
I'd not stay with a guy who doesn't accept me and my child(ren) as a package deal.

Your boyfriend sounds like a real winner! He didn't feel like it? Mature. Find yourself another boyfriend. One who can appreciate you and your kids. If you can't find one like that, than stop looking until your kids are grown and out of the house.

It is a big deal. Kick this jerk to the curb. Your kids are your priority.

not enough info. does he give gifts you and others? or is he a no-present kind of guy?
what is his relationship with your child like outside of the gift-giving paradigm?
what does your teenager think of your boyfriend?
how have the discussions about this issue between you and your boyfriend gone?
ETA, thanks for the additional information. while this wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker (presents aren't the be-all and end-all after all), i don't think i'd be too hunky-dory with this sort of attitude toward my child. a thought-out and logical reason might work, but just to be too lazy and uninvolved to bother isn't someone i myself would consider a candidate for a long-term romantic partner, nor that i'd want spending much time around anyone as important as my kid.
to each her own, though. i suppose there are worse things.
khairete
S.

Thank you to Elena B. below. This is an example of the kind of post that seems to be increasing here as Mamapedia has tried to attract more people as a social media kind of site--too brief, no details, like a Tweet, no way to get a feel for whether it's legit or not.

Assuming this is from mom and not from a bored teen who's off school: If you have been a couple for six years, you should be able to discuss this with your boyfriend openly. After six years, you probably know by now whether he likes your kid but just isn't into giving gifts to anyone (hates to shop, never knows what to get) or whether this is about your kid in particular (not his child, so he just doesn't get why you feel your child needs a gift from him, OR, not his child, and this is a small passive-aggressive way for him to punish you for your child's being in the way of his relationship with you....) But we can't have any idea, really, because there are no details. You can go back and add to posts here so please feel free to do that because there can be plenty of good advice from folks on Mamapedia if we know a little more. Thanks.

I'm not sure what's up with these super short statements.

Does this bother your daughter? You? If so, change something. I agree with Nervy Girl. It's on you. She's your daughter.

Julie is just cracking me up today, have to agree with her.

It sounds to me like he's not into your kid...which for me would be a HUGE negative. I would not be interested in a guy who does not adore my child. Or perhaps he assumes you will buy the gifts from both of you? This is how many men I have noticed. My FIL let's my MIL do all the Christmas and birthday shopping for their grandkids. Do you live together? Do you do things as a family? Does he spend time with your son and act like a father figure? I guess I would talk to him about it more to find out exactly what he is thinking.

This is your first question on Mamapedia so there's no prior info and virtually nothing within the body of this question.

Hard to know how to advise you. Does he see the gifts you buy as being joint gifts (as asked below)?

Is he afraid of choosing the wrong thing? Is he afraid this is "too personal"?

Do they not get along?

Is he cheap or selfish in other ways, throughout the year, or does this only come on on special occasions? If it's only on these 2 observances (Christmas and birthday), what is his background and what was his custom growing up? Does he have other people to buy for, and is your child the only one he ignores?

These are the types of answers I would like to see before giving you any info that may be totally off track.

What's your question? I really think that if this was a real post, and not one that's just made up, your post wouldn't look like this. I wonder if you're going to just pick one of Elena's scenarios for us...

I agree that, IMHO, he doesn't sound like husband/stepfather material. I assume that he really doesn't have a relationship with the child; if he did he would probably buy gifts. If, after all these years, he has no relationship with your child, you are wasting your time with this guy. If he does have a relationship with the child, then ask him why he doesn't think to buy gifts. If you can't ask him that and have it lead to a heartfelt discussion rather than an argument, you are in the wrong relationship.

Perhaps he views the gifts you buy her as from both of you. DH and I do not give our son separate gifts - all gifts (no matter who picked out or purchased) are from both of us.

I am not in to buying gifts and stuff. I don't buy for my husband and barely remember to buy stuff for the grand kids. I just don't care to do all that. So perhaps he's just not into it. If it really bothers you then you need to ask him. If it offends you then let him know.

If it's a deal breaker then be done with it. If my family didn't like that I just don't like to spend money a few times per year on gifts then I supposed I'd be divorced and out on my own.

*********************************************************************

If it's because they're not his kids then I understand. If you are a real couple the gifts to ALL kids in the family should be from both of you. That is "if" you're a real couple. Do you understand what I mean??? Not dating and spending all your time together but in the same home, joint bank accounts, saving money together, etc...like a married couple.

Then a big gift should come from both of you. Of course you and he can buy other gifts too but there should be one gift from both of you, IF you're a real committed for the long haul couple.

Opinion: It's kind of sad that you accept this guy as "your boyfriend."
Any man that doesn't put your kids in a place of importance will never be "the O.." Sorry.
Advice: you'd be better off with no boyfriend than with this O..

Maybe he doesn't consider himself your boyfriend. I recall a girl in college thought a guy was her boyfriend and he did not think the same.

My husband doesn't buy our kids gifts either...I do. I'm pretty sure most men in relationships let the wives do the shopping and she will write on the card from "mommy and daddy". So what's the problem?

On one hand, most guys hate shopping and wouldn't know what to get for a 13 year old. What i would do in that situation is buy the gifts for your boy friend to give your child. On the other hand, if this is indicative of the way this guy is - and he's just a jerk then dump him. What is your child's opinion of your boyfriend of 6 years? He's been around for almost half of you child's life so the fact that he doesn't want to get a gift for your child makes him a putz. He sounds pretty selfish to me.

If he doesn't feel like buying presents for your son how does he treat you? My daughter and I are a packaged deal. If a guy can't treat one of us with respect then he is out of there. It's nice to have someone in your life but your kid/s are your priority. I wouldn't allow anyone around who would be so inconsiderate as to not give her a gift. Most men don't like to shop so why can't he give your son money. Or give you the money and let you buy your son a gift.

If they get along just ok then there seems to be a problem. Are they ok because your boyfriend doesn't care which seems to be the case from your post, or are they ok simply because your son is a teenage and going through teenager things? These are some question you will need to ask yourself and then the biggest question of all will be is he worth having in you and your sons life. Good luck!!

A gift should never be an expectation. My sister does not send my boys birthday gifts, and I don't hold it against her at all because people should never just expect gifts. I do buy for my nephews because I enjoy gift giving, others do not. Just tell your son if it bothers him to not give the BF anything on his birthday and let it go. Its not worth getting upset over.

Some people are honestly just not into gifts, I personally would prefer not to get them even though I love giving them. Everyone is different and that is okay. But the second it becomes and expectation then it is no longer a gift, it becomes some sort of payment.

It's hard to know what to buy teens. If you want your boyfriend to give your son a gift, I suggest that you tell him that you think it would be nice, and give him a few ideas. Or even go with him to pick something out.

But really, I think this shouldn't even be a discussion. Why should he buy one? He's not a kid invited to a birthday party. He's not the father. He's not even step-dad.

To go one step further, even if he was dad/step-dad, not everyone is into gift buying. If I think of the gifts that will be under the tree this Christmas that say "from mom and dad", 99% of them will have been purchased by me, and maybe 1% will have actually been purchased by their dad.

it shouldn't matter whether he's "into" giving gifts or not - your son is important to YOU - and he clearly got that at the beginning of the relationship when he was trying to impress you. I'm with the majority - he needs to go. Sorry, that shouldn't even be a question. I suspect this is just one small symptom of many.