My Child Playing W/ Special Needs Children

Everyone only seems to be thinking about Bob and how the relationshp helps him and how it can foster acceptance with the 6 year old. What most are failing to grasp is that a 14 year old boy, no matter his development mentally, has hormones and puberty just like any other boy. It's chemical, not mental. They also don't know Bob very well and don't know if he would ever respond with violence if put in a stressful situation. Even Bob's parents may not know what all Bob is capable of.

B. is looking out for the safety of his 6 year old, not how the situation could affect Bob. No matter mental development, I think 14 isn't an age appropriate friend for a 6 year old to have.

Dear B.:
You really need to talk to "Bob's" parents. The next time he's at the door wanting to play, ask to walk home with him and talk to his parents. Then explain everything that's happening to them. They need to know he's just walked into a house, for starters. That could be extremely dangerous for all involved.
I don't know if you want the relationship to completely end or be heavily supervised, but at the very least "Bob's" parents need to know what's been going on and better supervise their son.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

B., I am in agreement with you. I worked with folks with developemental disabilities for many years and one thing that we always were encouraged to do was foster age appropriate friendships for our friends that we were caring for.

Don't feel like you are being to harsh. Just simply set the boundary in a kind but firm manner. Tell him that you expect that he not come over uninvited, EVER. He may call and ask but not come to your house to ask.

I do think you need to talk to his parent or guardian and let them know that he is coming over uninvited. They do need to help him make good social choices. This is for your privacy and his dignity.
You could invite him to take walks with you as a family or go out for ice cream. That way you would still be friendly neighbors, but not have someone coming to your house to play every day.

Please don't feel guilty! You are just protecting your son in the way that you know how. I would never let my six year old play with a 14 year old, and in this case, it's no exception.

EDIT*** It needs to be noted, in good faith, that B. is not questioning the fact that special needs people are people too. That is a given. HOWEVER, we do not need to allow people, special needs or not, to run roughshod over our lives. How about we give the gentleman that posted this the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is not going to ban folks with special needs from his child's life, just try to have healthy boundaries for his family unit.

First, let me suggest that you change your languge just a bit if you do not want to offend anyone. You do not mean "normal" you mean "typical." Disabled people are normal. How we treat them is not always so, but you have a chance to make a difference here, but not for the kid you think I mean.

I am not going to make many assumption about what the nature of Bob's disablity, but most people with developmental issues are much younger in thier interests than they are in age. It is very possilbe that his maturity level is quite close to your son's. With the appropriate supervision, there is nothing wrong with a freind relationship continuing between Bob and your son, however, you need to do some leg work, which I highly suggest you do before it continues. It would be a shame to end a friendship that two "kids" enjoy based on your missunderstanding.

If Bob is disabled, he should not be out running the neighborhood anyway (another story) so I would ask Bob to take you to introduce you to his parent(s) and tell him that you are concerned about his safety and you want to meet his family before he plays with your son anymore.

Explain the situation to the parent(s), tell them that you are concerned that Bob may need a little more guidence and supervission around the neighborhood and ask them directly if he has any issues that would be a bad influence on your son. You need to know if he has any sexual behaviors or if he has any issues that have needed more than typical intervention. Ask them if they would be willing to communicate with you when ever Bob would like to come over to play so that one of your can be there to supervise, and tell them how often you can have him over if you still feel like you need to limit his visits. If you aren not satisfied with the anwsers you get, then, by all means, end the relationship, but that would be a terrible loss for your son. Thats right, for YOUR son, and Bob, but mostly, for your son.

Kids who are involved with children who have neurobiological developmental disablities develop respect for them. They learn that children with disabilites are more like them than they are unlike them. Kids with disabled youth in their classes score higher on standardized assessments than kids who are schooled with only "typical" kids. They learn to tolerate minor differenences, and they learn terrific leadership and stewardship skills about how to view and care for thier fellow human beings. They learn that "normal" takes many different forms and that is priceless for any typical kid.

I can tell you a few things about children with these kinds of difficulties. He does not have a clue that he did anything inapproriately by walking into your house, and you should not hold it against him that he did so. He may need to be taught each and every social expectation in every new environment because he cannot generalize "the rules" in a new place like you can. That is part of many developmentally disabled issues. He probably does not mind if you explain it to him either. In this way, he is not typical, but his desire to interact with other human beings is probably as typical as yours or mine. I can promise you that he has been rejected before, and that would tend to explain why he is overly invovled in your household and is a testament to how nice you have been to him so far, I would not yank that rug until I was sure there was something to be afraid of, chances are good that there are not. Tell him how often it is approrpriate for him to come over, and don't be surprised if you need to remind him, it may be a little anoying, but he really does not mind and you probably cannot hurt his feelings by just telling the truth. It is likely he has not heard the truth very often, and they need it more than typicals do because they cannot figure that out by themselves.

Finally, treat him like you would anyone else and expect good behavior from him, tell him what he does that is not appropriate. Share this with your wife, and tell her to get over being scarred, there is probably nothing to be afraid of, unless you get answers you don't like from the parents. You have an opportunity to be a great example for your son by giving him the gift of tolerance and kindness in how he sees you treat Bob.

Your ball...

M.

As someone who has worked with children and young adults with special needs for almost 20 years, I can tell you that this match is not unusual, and could have benefits for both children. The missing piece of the puzzle, however, seems to be Bob's parents. I am concerned that he is off riding his bike, and entering another family's home, most likely without parental knowledge. You might want to ask Bob for his phone number, so that you could speak with his parents -- this could protect you from any unnecessary issues that could arise. Perhaps you could come up with a weekly play date, with the caveat that you may need to cancel at times, and they could call you and cancel at times. You may also want to let Bob's parents know some of the great qualities you have seen in their son - when you are the parent of a special needs child, those comments are truly a blessing. I would also suggest that an adult be around during play -- as an adult should be for any play scenario involving a six year old. I think you will find as a parent, that life will always go smoother if you avoid black and white decisions. Sometimes the gray area decisions will work themselves out. One rule you might want to consider, is that a child (obviously, unless there is a dire circumstance) is not allowed in your house without his/her parent's knowledge. You could tell Bob's parents that is a rule you have, to protect the parents from any panic they could experience if they could not find their child. I think your openness to allowing your child to have a less than typical playmate could have a ripple effect of wonderful benefits, yet it should be well monitored, with a set of guiding rules.

Well, I'd like to chime in and say that we had a Bob in our life.
The child was a savant. Extremely brilliant, but regressive in other ways. He just didn't seem to fit in anywhere. His parents home schooled him (and please, I'm not attacking people who home school their kids), but Bob had no social interaction skills to speak of with anyone his own age. He had a heart for younger children and animals and was very involved in volunteer programs at the Humane Society. He was polite enough although I had to get after them when they started playing with the hose without permission or running through the house from the front door to the back door and out again playing tag. Normal stuff I'd get after any kid for.
Bob and my son were very good friends.
I knew his parents. My son was invited over for dinner and vice versa. Bob got new bedroom furniture and his really nice older stuff was given to my son. They really were buddies. In my neighborhood, there weren't kids my son's age and there weren't any Bob's age, and they liked putting puzzles together, they liked building forts in the yard, having squirt gun wars.
My family knew Bob because he was at every birthday party, etc and they knew he was special, but he was a good kid.
Bob's dad lost his job and they moved away. We stayed in touch for a while. I often wonder about Bob because we haven't seen him in 8 years. He's an adult now.
All I know is...my son was not harmed in any way by having Bob for a friend. Even though he was much younger, and we never came right out and said anything, he knew Bob was "different". But, as a little kid, he didn't judge him for that. My kids have been raised around children with Down's syndrome, children with cerebral palsy. My ex brother in law is a serious paranoid schizophrenic.
When they have activities at school, for the special ed students, my son is right there to be their buddy or the school asks my son to mentor someone because they know he will treat them like a normal person and not make fun of them like other kids will do.
We were in a store one day and there was a group of disabled adults out on a day trip and one of the women with Down's just fell in love with my daughter. She'd never seen us before. She asked my daughter if she could hug her. The person in charge of all of them told the woman it wasn't nice to ask people such things and my daughter said, "It's okay. I don't mind. I could use a hug." She kept telling my daughter how pretty she was and my daughter told her she was really pretty too and she was glad to meet her.
Some people may have been put off by that, but like I said, my kids were raised around special needs children. At school, at church, in our neighborhoods.
Special needs people are people too.
I understand your concern about the age difference. But, I would ask Bob where he lives and introduce yourself to his parents. That might give you a better idea of Bob's life and world beyond him just riding his bike around and coming over a lot.
The decision is ultimately yours when it comes to what you do about the situation, but like I said, we had a Bob. He was harmless and my son is a better person for having known him and being his friend.
I'm not judging you, I swear it, but a 14 year old came into your house uninvited, while you weren't home, scared your wife, and you see it as an "invasion"?
I've raised two kids and done daycare. If I had a nickel for every kid who came into my house uninvited....
You just have to tell them to knock first and if no one answers, it's not nice to come right in. That goes for ANY kid. If the kid that came in was 8 and not special needs, would your wife have been afraid of him?
If you don't want him around because he's irritating or you think he's dangerous or you truly feel it's inappropriate, then do what you have to do.
If you don't want him around, find a way to kindly say so.
But, I would hope that you don't automatically suspect he would cause any harm just because he might not have friends his own age.

I will be interested to see your other responses.

I have a special needs son. He is almost 23 now and I remember when he was younger how much he wanted to play with other kids. I let him play with the younger kids say when he was 12 and up and the kids were maybe 6 or older. My son related better to those kids than the kids his age. Plus the younger kids aren't as judgemental. Now my son was very high functioning and you couldn't really tell he was special needs until you saw that he related so well with the younger kids and wasn't "into" the kinds of things that kids his age were into.

I appreciated so much the other moms that allowed their little kids to play with my son. I did make sure that I spoke with each parent and explained the situation and they had my numbers and stuff in case they needed to speak to me. Usually the other parents preferred the kids to play in their yard or home because they could keep an eye or an ear on their kids playing. I always made sure to have a time (shorter is better) for my kid to play. I know having a special needs kid in the house is hard so I didn't want my special needs kid to be too much of a burden on someone else. I didn't ever want him to overstay his welcome.

Of course not all parents think the way I do. Maybe you or your wife could ask Bob where he lives and ask to meet his parents. Most kids like him are happy to make introductions - it makes them feel important. You could maybe go to Bob's house and say your child enjoys playing with Bob but maybe could Bob call and ask if your child could play instead of coming over each day. That might solve part of your problem. And maybe also, keep the door locked just in case Bob wants to intrude again. When Bob or his Mom call to see if he can come play you could say sure come over at 4:00 and play for one hour because we will be having dinner at 5:00. Not only will that set boundaries for everyone but the Bob's mom will also know to expect him home shortly after 5:00 so she could know to look for him if he doesn't show up at the right time.

And THANK YOU on behalf of all Mom's of special needs kids. It is so sad to watch your kid want to play only to be laughed at or shut out of playing. They want friends just like all kids do and it is heartbreaking to watch them sad and lonely. And it doesn't hurt the "normal" child to learn that even though the special kid is different in lots of ways - he is just like other kids in lots of ways too. I have a "normal" 3 year old daughter and we want to make sure she plays with special kids too.

That would make me uncomfortable too. I haven't read the other posts - I don't want my answer to be affected.

This is SO not politically correct but I would be uncomfortable as well because of the fact that he is much older and has special needs. 14 year old boys are going through puberty with lots of hormonal things going on and one with special needs may not understand all of the changes going on...

A six year old should play with other 5,6,7 year olds... its age appropriate, and there is a much smaller risk of incident... of any kind.

I would use the "invasion incident" as a good starting point to talk with his parents... just keep it simple and surface, and let them know that it made you extremely uncomfortable and scared your wife half to death, and that from now on you guys would prefer that the "boys" begin "playing separately" since your son is so young anyway.

It won't be easy, and I'm sure his parents won't love it - but I mean... you've got to do what you feel is better for your own family. They'll deal with it... again, there is no real way to sugar coat it, or make it easy... but you CAN be pleasant and polite, with no mean intentions or rudeness.

Perhaps also talk to your son about spending time with "Bob" and that you would like them to no longer play together - so if "Bob" comes over uninvited again, or if "Bob" shows up in the yard while your son is playing, your son can know that its not okay to go running off playing with him or invite him in your house...

Best of luck! I am sorry if I offended anyone, it wasn't my intention, I was just answering the question from my perspective.

The age difference is a problem. Mentally he might be 6 yrs old, but physically he's not. If he has a 6 yr old temper tantrum, he's got 14 yr old muscles and he could do a lot of damage to himself and everyone around him. Not to mention whether he's mentally ready for it or not - puberty happens. I'd find his parents and talk with them about needing to keep an eye on him. If the 14 yr old is entering other peoples houses, it could end tragically if someone shoots him, or someone could kidnap him off the street. You need to get your son involved in activities to make friends his own age.

This could be a true blessing - for your son and for Bob. Your son can learn to be less judgmental, and much more accepting, than most at a young age. And Bob may really need a friend - having a disability can put a kid in a pretty lonely place because so many other kids have NOT had exposure to kids with disabilities in a social setting and a chance to learn how to handle it. Bob may need more clearly set boundaries - like when it comes to entering your house uninvited. We have had the same issue with my typical developing sons' friends - we explained the rules, and sometimes have to reexplain the, but we just review as needed. There can be concerns with the age difference, but supervision can take care of much of that. And since your son is young, I m guessing there will be some supervision. I for one am actually kind of jealous - I wish my boys had had a chance to develop an easy friendship with a kid nearby that was different. It might take some more work on my part than the friends I can just let my kids run off to play at their houses, but it would be so worth it.

i don't think you are being inappropriate at all. it's a valid concern and we shouldn't be too tentative to address it. bob sounds like a nice kid and i'm glad your family has a nice relationship with him. but 14 year olds and 6 year olds are not a great combination in any situation. i think you handled the house invasion very well, and probably need to extend that degree of compassionate firmness. find some play groups so your son can find other companions (it will be hard on him, and i'm sorry about that), and tell bob kindly and honestly that you think he's a great person but that your son needs to play with kids closer to his own age.
i think that kids thrive when they are allowed to interact with all different ages, from grannies to babies (one of the reasons i love homeschooling) but an intense one-on-one friendship between boys this age is fraught with peril. you will probably need to be quite firm and it may cause some angst and heartache, but if you are kind and courteous and unwavering it will be all right.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hi B.! I don't think your post is offensive at all. That is what this board is here for is to ask questions, if someone is offended then that is not your issue to deal with. Now, I would have to agree that there need to be boundaries set. I would try asking Bob where he lives and going and introducing yourself to his parents. Just telling them that you know the boys have become good friends and you wanted to meet them. I would feel them out and if you think that they will be receptive and not defensive then perhaps mention the incident that happened where Bob just walked into the house. I would suggest to your wife keeping the doors locked, since that will keep unwanted visitors from coming in. I do not think that you should stop your son from playing with Bob, after all, God made each of us different and special in our own way, and for you to put a stop to that friendship is teaching your son that it is not okay to enjoy the company of people who are different. If Bob were introducing your son to questionable things like dirty magazines, cursing, smoking, or deviant behavior, then of course that friendship would need to be severed, but to end the friendship just because of the differences Bob has is not fair to your son or Bob. I understand your concern about the age difference, but perhaps Bob fits in better with your son than people his own age due to his learning difference.

As with anything, if you feel "terrible" about something then perhaps it's not the right thing to do.

You definately need to know the parents. In our neighborhood, an 18yr old mentally challenged child plays with the14 twin girls neighbors, his 8 yr old brother, the 8 and 10 year old neighbor boys and my 9 yr old daughter. My 7yr old autistic son doesn't "play." My 9yr old daughter does not play alone with this delightful young man because of their ages. But often the entire group plays together. Fortunately I know all the parents and I know the kids. Being the parent of a special needs child and just hoping someone will accept them for who they are is a huge concern. But many parents just don't feel comfortable having their typical kids be around spec ed children. It is a bummer for us, but that is just the way it is. This is a learning experience for all involved. You need to know and understand this child and his parents before allowing him to play with your son, just as you would do with a typical child.

My down syndrome son is 26 and enjoys playing with our friends 6 year old. It depends on what level Bob is at as to who he enjoys being with. You and your wife need to find Bobs parents and chat with them. He may need some social skills trying to know how to "act" around other people. It could be good for your son to play with Bob, I know my other kids and their friends have much more compassionate and understanding about specials needs b/c of my son. Please try to give him a chance, but DO find his parents and have a chat.

Bob may enjoy being with your son and your family because he is accepted there. His need to be at your home maybe because his home is not a loving environment that he is craving. Your son is his friend, because of him being special needs, he may not be able to make friends easily so he has attached himself to your son, and your family.
Some people only have one friend....others have lots and lots of friends....no matter if they are "normal" or not. That is just the way it is. I have a few very close life long friends who I can depend on for anything at anytime. My husband has a million friends, none which he would call at 3AM because something was wrong or we had a huge fight, etc. My kids are the same way. My youngest takes a long time to decide who is her friend and has only a few very close ones, my 2 older kids make friends with every kid they meet but no 'bestfriend'. Bob maybe a one friend only kind of kid. Although I do understand your concern with the age difference and that attachment he seems to show, it may not be dangerous. Just another view point.
Your son shoulds like a well rounded social kid and must be very kind hearted and caring to be such a great friend to someone with special needs. Most 6 year olds would be 'weirded out' and could be mean, or just ignore someone who is different. Hug your son for me, what a great kid!
I would ask bob if you could meet his family. Talk with them, see what is going on. Supervise all interaction with him and set limits with bob just as you would any other kid. If you wouldn't let another class mate come over to play every day, let bob know he is welcome to come over every tuesday from 5-6 or whatever time you are comfortable with. He sounds like a sweet kid who as you said understands and doesn't want to disobey or upset you so the boundries you set, he will probably follow.
Hope this helps :)

I had a 14 year old special needs friend when I was a child. "Betty" was one of the few girls in a neighborhood of boys. I agree limits would need to be set up (such as knocking on the door or calling before coming over).

Your son has a big heart and probably already understands "Bob" is not the same as he is. It sounds almost as if he makes you and your wife more uncomfortable than your son. Does your son not want to play with him?

Of course, your wife is home with your son during playtimes and doesn't leave him alone. I would get to meet the parents. Bob may have come over to play by just walking out of the house without telling his mom or caretakers and they were probably worried sick. But "invasion" is a very strong word. Came in without knocking and what family with children haven't had an occasional friend in to play with theirs. They need to know to knock, when it is appropriate to come over (not during meal times unless invited and other designated times), set up designated play dates, and by all means meet his parents/caretakers and get a bead on what his disability is.

It sounds as if Bob makes you very nervous. Stop him on his bike, ask him what house he lives at, and meet them. I think once you talk over with his parents, you may feel better. You are allowing your son to learn that not everyone is the same or born with the same opportunities and if you are not comfortable, your son will feel it. Good luck!

I would walk him home (with your son) the next time he is over and introduce yourself to the parents. It sounds like they are about the same "mental age", but without knowing the parameters you want to make sure they are supervised during play time. Physically, the older child may unintentionally hurt your son.

I would suggest having an open conversation with bob's parents. Just say that you are glad that the boys enjoy eachother, but that you would like to have a better understanding of his needs so that you can make sure that both boys continue to have a positive relationship. If you approach them positively, you may get a more candid answer.

Just like any neighborhood friend, everyone must learn boundaries and what is and is not acceptable. We have "regular" kids on our street that had to learn to knock before coming in, and that 8:00 on Saturday morning is not a good time to play. Don't forget that you don't always have to accept company/friends over. When he knocks on the door, simply say that your son can't play right now. As parents it is our job to help our children cultivate friendships that will be healthy for our children, and let other friendships that are not so healthy slowly end.

Although the age difference in the children is significant I would not let that be a big issue. I think that there is a lot for feeling accepted, something that I am sure his hard for Bob to find. Although you know that you would Speaking from experience your wife would have been just as startled by another 6 year old standing in the house, trust me I have been there. :) We also have a rule that before you can play at my house I need to have spoken with your parents, I have actually sent kids away with a note and my phone number on it so that I can talk to their parents. Before just putting an end to the relationship I would meet his parents and try to get to know the whole family. You can also institute play dates with Bob so that there are set times he play but let it be known outside of those times your son or your family is busy and that should help with his need to be at your house. I am sure that this need stems from Bob feeling accepted, something that I am sure is hard for him to find. As far as the age gap as long as it is supervised interaction I wouldn't worry about it. I am sure that this is not that case here but when I was in 3rd grade there was a boy 4 or 5 years older than me who would come to our house regularly, some days from the time school let out until the sun went down, turned out home life was not happy and our house was his refuge, again not that it is the same, but the feeling of safety, acceptance and love probably are.

I don't know why you think the relationship needs to end, because it sounds like Bob needs a friend and your since your son gets social time with kids his age, he shouldn't be adversely impacted. In fact, this seems like a wonderful chance for your son to learn about special-needs people and how to treat everyone with love and respect. I think it's wonderful that your son is able to play with this boy, and I'm sure Bob's parents do, too.

Having said that, Bob should not be walking into your home unannounced, and your son should be able to play with other friends without Bob some of the time (Bob may be lonely enough to become clingy). I think it would be great for you to walk Bob home so that you can talk to his parents, get to know them, and begin a relationship that will help you set boundaries in the future. But please don't discourage this relationship unless you feel something truly inappropriate is going on. Of course, since your son is only 6, he should not be playing unsupervised (certainly not with a much older child).

First, it's wise to always keep the doors locked. That way you have control of who enters your home. I think you can be friendly and warm to Bob. I would explain to him that your son is too young to play with him. I would say it as nicely as possible but bluntly. Tell him he can be a friend that says Hi but not one that plays together. Then if he continues to come by, I would ask him where he lives, and pay a personal visit to his family. You can tell them nicely and bluntly too. There is too big of an age difference between the two children.

Why don't you meet Bob's family? Then you can make a more informed decision. (Though is sounds like Bob's family might not be the greatest.)

It's your decision, but if your son loves Bob's companionship, it's probably not harmful to him if you can handle Bob being at your house. You said he's "very nice."

I would be concerned about the age difference, but I also wonder if there are other children that "Bob" can play with. Is your son his only friend? With him maybe being mentally on your son's level the age difference doesn't seem so bad, but I would try to figure out where he lives and talk to his parents. He might not have a good home life and may be looking for stability and kindship that he finds in your home. I hope this helps, good luck.

Love the idea of walking him home--or walk along while he bikes. Introduce yourself to the parents and give them your phone number, telling them that they are welcome to call to arrange a play date sometime. They'll get the hint.
It's a bit cncerning that this special needs kid is out and about so much, alone, on his bike--YIKES!

I, personally, do not let my 6 year old son or my younger son play with a child unless I know their parents. I would never let a child into my home without knowing his or her parents first, for their safety and ours. I, also, believe that a 6 year old playing with a 14 year old is not ideal, even with special needs. That is just too big of an age difference, but if you feel it is ok and good for both , then meet his parents and set down some ground rules for them getting together. Good luck!

It's a very awkward situation. I used to live in a neighborhood with a special needs adult that just roamed the neighborhood. I learned that he sometimes did inappropriate things (I have no idea what they were, but I know the police were called), so I know how awkward the situation is.

I think it would be great if your son and Bob could have monitored play dates - I know my son likes to play with bigger kids sometimes. But, the biggest fear I would have for you is that Bob is a lot bigger and stronger than your son. So, in play wrestling or even if he accidentally fell on your son, he could really hurt your son - which is why I say monitored play dates. Of course, it all boils down to what you are comfortable with.

Good luck!
L.

We have a lot of kids knocking on our door constantly and I explained to them that if we aren't outside than we can't play at that moment ( chores, homework, family time, whatever). They now know that when they see us outside then we are free to play! It put a stop to the constant interuptions of answering the door. Maybe Bob will understand that if you and your son aren't outside then he isn't available to play at that time.