My Daughter Is a "Know It All Sassafrass"

Great topic, T.!

All of my kids are "sassy" at times. One good thing that has been helping them is their own sibling relationships. When another sibling does it to them, they don't like it and are quick to let the "sass" know.

It's good that your daughter has other people around her that have noticed. But do they actually confront her? Instead of running interference between her and other people that she has "sassed", have you allowed those folks to correct her and let her know that they felt disrespected?

"Mirroring" seems to have been the only truly effective way.
And it helps me, too, because I can see myself in my kids...and so I am also learning to be less "sassy" myself.

;>

I believe I would begin teaching her the old wisdom that "If you don't have something nice to say, you do not say anything at all." I would back it up with some discipline. If you catch her doing it to her friends, I would ask the friend in front of her, "How do you feel when my daughter speaks to you that way?" It could backfire -- the child may not clue in to be offended yet, but... I'd still ask. If she did it to me, I would tell her that I am the adult and it is not her place to correct me. If she has a problem we can discuss it, but I am the parent and she must show me that respect. (I had to do this with my husband's little sister who was 7 when I met her and it worked for her behavior when she was with us). I do not believe that ignoring it or laughing about it, or being vague about your expectations with her will help. When she says something witty that didn't hurt anyone's feelings, compliment her and let her know you are glad she got your brains. :) Best Wishes!

I would say to you, T., that I have a 10 year old who sort of does the same thing AND I also have NOT ONE CLUE where she would pick that up (HAHA!!)
However, here is the bad part, and I am not sure how to avoid this: it will correct itself...painfully for you and your daughter. But the only way that it will "Stop with an impact that lasts" is to let her friends stop being her friend over it. And, unfortunately, they will. And it will take a huge effort on her part to get them back. Then you can very sympathetically point out that her behavior has caused the situation. And that she should not repeat said behavior if she would like to have and keep friends.
I am a devotee of "Love and Logic" parenting--as a tried and true method for raising self-reliant and capable adult decision makers--If you have not heard of this I would STRONGLY recommend looking into it....it is very hard and counter-intuitive to me, but I can see the results (I have 12, 10, 6 and 1 year olds).
Also, YOU absolutely HAVE to stop laughing at inappropriate behavior and SO DOES THE REST OF THE FAMILY. YOU are going to end up with a MONSTER of a teen-ager if you do not. You cannot allow her to correct adults all of the time. Teachers in school will be wrong, and mark her papers incorrectly, but she MUST learn how to point this out properly instead of gaining a reputation of an undisciplined and unruly kid who talks back to adults. It will get her into trouble. I know you don't want that.

C.

I have a 6 yr old that went through that correcting everyone phase. and we just told her over and over and over again not to correct people all the time, people don't like to be corrected all the time. and NOT to correct adults, thats something only adults get to do so when she gets to be a grown up then she can do it. We have pretty much elimanted the correcting, except for when its approporate like when I forget something , or forget to do something that I told her I would do then she reminds me. Now sometimes telling her all that was after the point where she had made me angry enough for me to show it to her so sometimes it wasnt in the nicest of tones but maybe that helped lol , so she KNEW she had stepped over the line. She's still a little bossy cuss but she come's by that naturally I was/am too.

I guess one thing that I would do is when she talks in a tone that you don't like, I would say something like, "I'll listen to you when you can talk in the same tone that mommy is talking in" or something like that.

As far as her friends and being a bit bossy, I'm guessing is what she is heading towards, you can say something like (coming from a Love and Logic book):

MOM: Daughter, I notice that you're kind of bossy (or whatever) with those other kids. Do you ever worry that this might make them not like you? They wouldn't be your friends anymore then."

DAUGHTER: "Aw, they'd still be my friends."

MOM: I just wonder how it'll work out. Of course, you might be one of those rare people who can boss others around and still make them be friends. What do you think? Have you figured out any ways you can boss them around and still keep them as friends?"

DAUGHTER: "I don't know."

MOM: "Well, I'll be interested to watch and see how it goes. I hope it works out for you."

Chances are that somewhere along the line it won't work out. She'll learn her lesson rather quickly and when she comes back to you to talk about it again, you can express sadness and great empathy (not I told you so) and say something like 'it didn't work out huh?" and 'that's really sad' and 'what are you going to do?'

You have to put the burden on their shoulders and let them figure it out. They'll be smarter about life because of it. You are to 'help' them see the light without telling them not to be bossy or sassy or a know it all with her friends. If her friends get tired of it, they'll let her know in whatever way and you'll be there to consult with her about it and lead her in the right direction while SHE does the thinking about why it didn't work out.

Just remember that if you tell her not to be so bossy or in that way, she'll more than likely continue the behavior..just get her thinking about the above and what could happen in the future.

Well, I hope that I wasn't too long winded and I hope everything works out. She sounds like a blast! I know you must have lots of fun with her. :0)

I have a sassy, know-it-all 9 year-old-girl and the best idea I can give is to try to channel those brains into something productive. She reads a lot of books, I buy fun workbook type books for her to do, and play a lot of strategy and brain games with her. It seems to help if she has a way to be right without insulting other people.

I have also talked to her about being sensitive to other's feelings. Even she makes mistakes (sometimes) and people don't want every little slip they make pointed out. If an error by someone doesn't cause danger or disarray--- let it go. It took a while, but she has gotten the point and is much nicer to her friends and family now.

Dear T.,
You said your daughter was a little sassy and a has a bit of an attitude as a know it all. I wanted to share with you that there is a new Parenting tool that is being launched Sept 24th, 2009 called CAPABLES. It is an amazing educational and learning system created for children your daughters age to nine years old to teach and motivate them to live the greatness within them. It teaches them to be strong but also, respectful. It teaches emotional intelligence, self-control, thought management and attitude and affect adjusting that is easy, genius and FUN! It uses a Cape and Badges of Honor as a behavior modification tool and takes the "work" of parenting and turns it into play. It is amazing. It has a Badge of Honor for Self-control and it might be very motivating for your daughther, to get her a Capable and use the Badges of Honor system, which is just one small part of this amazing parenting tool. You can go to the website www.GetCapables.com on Sept 24th and check it out. I really think that the Capables would really help. Kids LOVE their Capables, but not nearly as much as Moms and Dads love them. Parenting experts agree that the Capables are going to revolutionize parenting and how children are being motivated and educated to live their lives at a higher level of excellence. Hope you enjoy them.
Blessings, D. B. author of over 20 books on Parenting and relationships www.DawnBillings.com

Funny, I thought the did know everything at 5! lol No, seriously, my daughter who is almost 8yr old has gone through the 'know it all', bossy, smart mouth stuff too. I mark it up to them trying to find their place in the world and trying to act more adult than they are ready for. When my daughter gets mouthy or what not, I tell her she needs to try that again. Meaning she knows I don't like how or what she said and I gave her a second chance to repeat herself in a better tone or words. If she doesn't do it, then she gets put in time out in her room doing nothing till she can. My daughter also likes to 'mother' everyone. She is always more worried about what everyone else is doing except for what she needs to be doing!! That's our newest battle! Anything to keep me on my toes I guess.

Good luck!!
~S.