My Daughter Is Having a Rough School Year-got in Trouble Today for the 1St Time

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/10226855802917027841
I have no good advice but here is a similar question.

Did you actually speak to the TEACHER about what happened or are you simply taking your daughter's word for it?
Before getting so worked up, speak to the teacher and find out exactly what she saw and/or heard. Your daughter may be a nervous wreck because she actually got caught being not so nice. And just because it's not in your child's nature to do something wrong does not mean she will never do anything wrong or mean, she's a kid, they ALL do at one point or another, to think otherwise is just naive.
Your question is highly emotional, based on a lot of here-say and assumptions. You need more than your daughter's side of the story, and perhaps you need to spend some time volunteering in the classroom so you can actually observe how it's run.

It's wonderful that you're so protective of your daughter. I'm sure she feels great knowing you're in her corner. That being said, I think you may be way too invested in this incident. In the scheme of your daughter's life, this is going to be a totally unmemorable event. It's just a letter of apology, not suspension. Your daughter will be fine.

Also, from a teacher's perspective, if I had a nickel for every time a parent told me that there was no way her child could have done _________ because they've NEVER gotten in trouble before in school, well.... I'd be a pretty happy woman. Good kids make poor choices. It doesn't mean they're bad, just that they're human. I'm not saying that your daughter did laugh... she probably didn't, but there's going to be a time in her life, a lot sooner than you think, when she's going to do something wrong and it's going to shock you. Are you going to move schools every time something negative happens? You sound like a great mom who loves her kid like crazy... just be careful not to set a precedent like this so early on.

Mom- read what you wrote. You said your daughter is a nervous wreck. You said the teacher is strict, stern, quite mean, and seems to take pleasure in embarrassing the kids.
You said that when you were in 3rd grade you had a teacher that really messed up your self esteem for LIFE! (I hope you have worked through that) Do you want this teacher to mess your daughter up?
You say that your school district is terrible. Really? Have you been to the schools, sat in a class, talked with the teachers, talked with other parents, actually SEEN how the classes are run? Or, are you just going on "what you heard?"
I don't think you have much recourse, really. It's a private school, which means you do have the option of taking her out. If the teacher is not going to support you, the principle isn't going to fix the problem and just tells you to leave, then maybe you should take your business elsewhere. I am under the impression that you are paying for private school, which would mean that you are paying for your daughter to be berated, made fun of, and a nervous wreck every day. Doesn't sound like money well spent in my opinion.
Good luck!
L.

It's the first time she has gotten in trouble all year. I'd let it go. Teach your daughter to handle situations with grace, but to also stand up for herself tactfully. Speak to the teacher privately about this issue with the principal as mediator. Her 'apology' note can be as simple as, "I'm very sorry you were giggled at. I hope that does not happen again." It addresses the problem without admitting to wrong doing.

I also do not think this is a private school issues, I believe this is an classroom issue regardless of the type of school/teacher.

The mom side of me wants to be righteously indignant and upset with the teacher. But the real trouble is that the other boys lied, assuming that they really did lie.

Here's the rub. Our kids can lie. It doesn't matter that it's not been in her nature to do such a thing. She's a child. Children laugh at each other and they do lie. As a mom, I always want to believe my kids until the proof is in front of me. If there is no proof, like now, I tell them that I believe them. BUT, the teacher chose to make this a teaching moment and she chose to believe 2 witnesses. So you can turn this into a teaching moment for your daughter. In fact, your daughter is already choosing the right course of action. She's being obedient to the teacher and the school rules. So tell her you are proud of her and that she and God know the truth and that she will be rewarded for doing right. Instead of concentrating on trying to vindicate her, which you can't do anyway, find the verses where God tells her that he will be her vindicator and that only he is to fight for her. There's a lot of scripture telling us not to fight and not to defend ourselves. There's a time where we must. You can explain that to her. Obviously, you would not allow her to be sentenced to something harsh or kicked out of school based on a lie. But this is really just an apology. The teacher really does not KNOW. You also can not be 100% certain that she didn't lie. BUT, I would not tell her that.

You've made up your mind that the teacher is mean and unreasonable which makes working with her very difficult. I suggest that your negative attitude towards her handicaps your talks. I suggest that, for the sake of working things out, you start accepting her as a professional who will listen and work with you. Treat her with courtesy and kindness. Express an understanding of the difficulties that teachers have.

You don't know why George is back to sitting next to your daughter. Call and ask. Don't assume the teacher is going against your wishes. Ask with an open mind.

And don't make writing an apology into a big deal. We all are accused from time to time of doing something we haven't done. This is a growth experience for your daughter. She is wise to want to just write the apology and get it over with.

It's good to be protective of our children but we can't and really shouldn't protect them from life's lessons.

I do suggest that you make an appointment and talk with the teacher about George sitting next to her. Mention in passing that you don't think your daughter is the one who laughed. Be calm and open. Do not accuse. Search for information before making judgments.

You have mentioned nothing that would come close to a reason to change schools. Of course the principal is going to back the teacher. You back your husband, don't you? People in charge have to work together. That doesn't mean he won't talk with her and tell her to do something differently.

The tone of your post is one of adversarial intent. It's you, the parent, against the teacher and the school. That's so sad. We do get what we expect. When a person expects to not be heard or taken seriously they word their statements in negative ways which causes the very reaction they expect. Try to lighten up and work with the teacher and principal instead of seeing them as the enemy.

It sounds possible that you have a personality clash with this teacher. If there is another 4th grade teacher ask that she be moved based on your daughter's response to her. However, consider that your daughter is a "nervous wreck" because she senses your tension and takes it on for herself. She's caught in the middle between you and the teacher.

Show respect for the teacher so that your daughter will be able to feel respect for her too.

Such-as-life...we all come across teachers, peers, co-workers, bosses, and elected officials we don't care for or respect. We have to deal with them. Although this teacher has seemed to nail your child for something, it is not a horrible year. I am glad the teacher is standing up for the student who got the wrong answer, but too bad it is at your daughter's expense. What doesn't make sense to me, is that by 4th grade, one should be able to tell the difference between a male and female laugh.

*****

You should have someone else read the letter to make sure there are no rough edges to smooth out before it is turned in. Your daughter is doing the right thing, although it is hard to swallow. I think it is okay to close with "I would never insult any of my classmates and am sorry this happened to you". At the same time, I would make the letter as short and to the point as possible.

We all know, we can't go job hopping until we find the perfect boss. You will have to remind your daughter this class won't last forever. The good thing is, she is not in this teachers class for all 7 hours. Hopefully she has some relief with PE/Mass/Art/Tech/Music.

I think your daughter's letter of apology should be truthful. She can say she's sorry the child was laughed at and felt bad. That she knows laughing at a wrong answer is wrong.....
I would certainly let the teacher know you believe your daughter and that her "letter" is in no way an admission of guilt.

As for changing schools--I will tell you this: My niece went to a very expensive "Christian" school for years and experienced the worst bullying of her life. She is now at a public high school and is thriving and excelling. Weird, huh?

Public OR private, you need to advocate for your child. If this teacher is unprofessional enough to let it effect the treatment of your child, I'd have her moved. A squeaky wheel WILL get the grease. If the principal is that rigid and unyielding, why would you keep her there anyway?
Is this school or a club? Seriously, treatment by a teacher is a hill that I WOULD die on.

When my oldest daughter was in 6th grade, I had a problem with the teacher... basically, she accused my daughter of changing an answer on a homework problem. I knew that she hadn't changed it, because I had gone over the homework with her the night before. The class did the "trade and grade" and the other girl counted it wrong... when my daughter pointed it out to the teacher, she said it looked like she had changed it... (she HAD... but she had changed it the night before, but didn't fully erase it... just wrote over it, darker).

I even went up and talked to the teacher, and she refused to give her the few points for it..... I even asked the teacher if my daughter had done anything for her (the teacher) to doubt her response.. the teacher said.. "No... she's the most honest student I have!"

(Also, the girl that had graded my daughter's paper didn't like her, and had something against her.... I even mentioned that to the teacher).

Ultimately, I spoke with my daughter, I was still really upset about it, but told her that in my heart, I KNEW that she hadn't changed her answer just for a few homework points.... my daughter's reply? "That's ok... God knows I didn't change my answer."

My daughter, after that, didn't feel she could really tell the teacher anything and have her believe her... we only had a few months left, though (it was in the spring). However, the next year, when we found out that daughter #2 would have her as a teacher, I asked to have her schedule changed... because none of us would have felt that the teacher would believe us if there were a problem, and daughter #2 was very timid, and knew about the previous problem.

Ultimately, if YOU know she didn't laugh at the student, and your daughter also knows that, that is all that counts. Yes, life sucks sometimes when we get crappy bosses or teachers, but unfortunately, we do have to learn how to work through that.

I would ask again that your daughter be moved away from George... ask why he was moved back there. Sometimes class dynamics are such that it may be just about the only placement that is possible. (I work in a middle school and see that happen all the time.)

An apology does not have to be a letter of confession, either. She could merely apologize for the fact that she was laughed at in the first place, and that she will make sure it doesn't happen again. Third grade is tough on it's own. So many changes to deal with. I assure you this kind of thing does happen in private schools, just as much as public ones. It's a growing and learning process. Your daughter stood up for herself and said that she didn't do it, and the other boy, had three others who said that she did. Most often , that will happen. Which is probably why the teacher told her to write the note, since no one else said that she didn't do it . Peers can be very mean. I would talk to the Priest or Nun about this, and let them know that your daughter's anxieties and having issues with her peers is negatively influencing her abilities in the third grade classroom. Is their a guidence counselor or other teacher there that she can confide in, or have them assist in helping with this situation?

For me, the incident in itself is not such a big deal, but I think their is more to this one situation . Especially considering her feelings, and issues with peers.

I went to a private Christian school from K-12 grade. For me, it had its ups and downs. I will let you know that sometimes the kids who should get in trouble, don't , not because they are caught, but because their parents donate large funds to the school.

I had a peer who I had actually dated, but after we broke up, he attempted to make my life a living hell. I had once got a detention for using profanity at him in the school Parking Lot. A teacher over heard me fighting with him ( because he was making fun of me, and spreading rumors that I was an easy lay-we didn't even have sex during our relationship..) I addressed this with the Principal, and let him know that I was defending myself, and shouldn't get a detention for a private conversation in the parking lot of the school. He said I had to go regardless. I then told him that they are punishing me only because my parents don't give them any additional money or donations.

The next day, I was told that I didn't have to serve the detention. Needless to say I was left alone after that. Even my own brother, who was teased relentlessly at this school ( til 10th grade when he went to a public school) ever had a teacher stick up for him. He was bullied in the classroom while the teacher was there, and the kids called him "faggot", "gay",etc.. Nothing was done about it. This happened in elementary school through 10th grade. The only people who stuck up for my brother were my friends that were in his grade. My parents took him out after he let them know what was going on. I then, had a few choice words for those teachers. My brother was then sent to public school and graduated in the top 4%.

I am telling you my experiences because sometimes private schools aren't all that they seem to be.

It sounds like this may not be the school for your daughter. I'm all for a principal backing up their teachers, but this one seems very extreme. I'm all for strict rules, but when they are applied to the correct party, and in an appropriate manner.

This is not the first post I've seen in which a private religious school student has been forced into being guilty for something they didn't do. I would think a religious school would have a higher standard of honesty, morals, etc. And to think lying & misplaced blame are being accepted & tolerated really is baffling.

It seems to me that this whole school has you bullied in to letting them treat your child however they want. I say you take a stand for the right. When it comes right down to it, the principal is not who you have to answer to for your actions.

If you are invited to leave you can do so knowing that you made the right choice and that the child in question knows it was not your daughter. That person may have bad feeling towards your daughter for the rest of her life and it might even effect her self esteem and make her a different person too. She deserves to know that someone she may feel friendship towards did not laugh at her, but a boy who has a reputation for trying to hurt people.

She should tell the truth and not be taught that lying is the easy way out of a tough situation. If the principal does not see that then that principal is not the person you want your daughter being taught her morals and standards from.

"Her teacher this year is very strict, stern, and actually quite mean. She seems to take pleasure in embarrassing the kids. My daughter is a nervous wreck this year, and I hate to see it. I had a terrible 3rd grade teacher who really messed up my self-esteem for life. I am so determined to not let that happen to my children, which is one of the reasons I send them to a Catholic CHRISTIAN school."

There is no way I would stand for my daughter to be treated this way by anyone, EVER. Especially at school, where she spends more of her awake time than anywhere else.

IF you cannot get the teacher and the Principal to listen to your daughter and to believe that a good girl who has never ever behaved like this.. Vs. a group of children that are known for their misbehavior, I first would ask my daughter what she would like to do. She is old enough to start being a part of decisions when it comes to school. Does she want to attend a meeting with you, the teacher and the Principal to get this worked out? Or is she willing to do as instructed and write this note?

IF she wants to stay at this school, you will both have to understand these things may continue to occur and she will need to make amends the way the school says she is to apologize or be punished.

If she decides she would like to go to a neighborhood school, let her be active in visiting the school and seeing if it could be a good fit. You would be amazed at how schools that you hear are horrible, are not horrible, they just have to accept EVERY student that walks through the door, no matter their special needs. And so comparing a school that you apply to where they are allowed to accept or reject special needs students makes a huge difference.

Your child's needs will be met in public school. Students that excel, will always be placed in accelerated classes and be challenged.

Students that need extra time or extra instruction will be placed with the classes that can also help them reach their goals.

You all have choices.

Talk to the priest or head nun in the school. Truth is important and I think both children should have a sit down with the priest or nun before any “forced” confession/letter is written by your child. If everything you say about the teacher is true, someone in authority should probably be giving her some sensitivity training as well.

I strongly agree with the mama that suggested, IF, your child must write something, it should be the TRUTH.

I'll be very interested to see how this turns out.

Blessings....

If this is the first time your child has gotten in trouble at school since preschool, count your blessings!! In the grand scheme of things, getting accused of something you didn't do really isn't a deal-breaker. Yes, it's frustrating to feel like you're not being listened to...I totally get that, it's happened to me more times than I can count. But this sort of thing will continue through school (no matter public or private), high school, college and the workforce into adulthood.

I am a product of private school through 8th and public high school (there was no private high school readily available). My son is in 3rd grade in a private Lutheran school. His school is insanely supportive of children and while getting sent to the principal's office is never a good thing, the principal NEVER belittles, chides or disrespects a student for missteps. He talks to the kid and helps them figure out a better way to respond in a loving and Christian environment. The kid comes out feeling good about themselves (bad about behavior, but good internally). I know this because my kid got sent there for swinging on bathroom stall doors...and throwing food chunks at lunch...and using an inappropriate word (that really wasn't bad, just misinterpreted). Thankfully, he's kept his nose clean this year, so far! He's not a bad kid in any way...just working on developing that self-control filter in his brain, and it's taken him a couple years to build that.

Like others have mentioned, your daughter can write a letter to the other child that talks about how bad the other child must have felt when being laughed at and how that laughing behavior is wrong. She doesn't have to admit wrong-doing, though. And you can sign it and personally deliver it to the teacher (after you're calm and aren't as emotionally driven) and have a nice talk with the teacher about what your daughter told you and how you'll stand by your daughter, but here is a letter that you worked together on and your daughter fully understands how bad laughing at another student is and it isn't a behavior she'll partake in, for future reference. Also, make sure the teacher understands that your daughter should not be sitting next to "George" since he is bullying her, and if it continues, you will take it up to the principal and further, if necessary (since this is the second time you've had to request the separation).

This first offense certainly shouldn't be a big enough issue to pull your kid out of school, away from her friends, etc and put her into U-46 (yuck) public schools. (though my hubbie is a product of U-46...but that was then and this is now!)

Your daughter has to make a written apology to a student and you have to sign it because the teacher 'heard, but did not see' someone laugh? What's wrong with this picture? She is being punished on heresay evidence after being blamed by a child that was previously agreed should not even be seated next to her?

I think it's time for a chat with the principal to explain that your child was bullied, not onlyby the children, but the teacher in this instance too. The teacher's poor handling of a classroom management issues can become a real problem if it's allowed. Religious private schools always have funding issues, removing a child removes funds for their programs. Remind him that you have the option to remove your child if any more occurances of this sort take place.

A gentle child should not be made a victim. Go to bat for her!

Try to solve this by talking to
The teacher first and then the principle go with an open mind and discuss the known facts and ask that nothing be assumed by them and ask that since there have been issues in the past with the other child that their word not be accepted either.talk of this issue and also the proximity of this child to your child as the request for separation was made
And not taken seriously. If you go in respectfully and remain calm you may get results. The public schools in your area are not that bad and the schools thrive when parents become involved and keep their eyes and ears open and participate to their fullest ability. I would never donate my money to a private institution unless my child was receiving exceptional skills and training that could not possibly be obtained any place else. Is your child excelling while you pay tuition or is she bring held back from her best because of preconceived notion that the public schools are bad. I would hate to see any child start to hate school because of one teacher.

I like your idea of the twist on the letter. I would pursue this with the teacher. If she got each of those kids alone with the principal, she would get the truth out of the little monsters. If this is not resolved then those kids will know that they can continue to get away with stuff. The kids should be separated in the room and not allowed to sit together.

I would tell your daughter you believe her as you already have. I would add at the end of the apology letter that she is not one who laughed at her, but the one who will do what she is told by writing this apology. I would add that I am sorry that someone laughed at her and it was not a nice thing to do. I would also have a meeting with the teacher to have the boy moved permanently or have your daughter moved.