With her boyfriend's family I told her that if she decides to move out then she is doing it without any help financially from me and that it's a bad idea what she wants to do. She told me that I would be sorry that she is leaving. What should I do?
Well, she is a legal adult. I would try to be supportive and work to stay close. If she chooses to live elsewhere that is her choice now.
Welcome to mamapedia F.!!
Your daughter is a legal adult. She wants to move in with her boyfriend's family? And THEY are allowing it? That's fine.
WHY does she want to move in with her boyfriend's family?
WHY are they allowing it?
Do you have a good relationship with his family?
Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? To be honest? It doesn't sound like you do. Especially if you are threatening to cut her off financially. Is that your way of keeping her wings clipped or what?
She says YOU will be sorry she's gone? Okay. She feels that way. That's HER opinion. WHY would you be sorry when she's gone? Does she do more than her fair share around the house?
What should you do? You say - daughter, I hope I raised you right. I hope the values and morals I strived to instill in you are there. I wish you luck. I wish you peace. You're an adult! Spread your wings and fly the nest!!
If you want her to still communicate with you? I would sit down and show her the costs of adulthood.
Cell Phone
Car insurance
Rent (I hope they will be charging her SOMETHING)
Food
Car payments
Personal Hygiene
Health Insurance
If you want to play hardball?
Go with her to the cell phone store and get the phone in HER name. And make HER pay for it.
If she has a car that you insure? If she hasn't paid for it? You can keep the car. That would be extreme. But it all depends upon if you want to play hardball or wish her well. If you want to wish her well ensure she knows how much it will cost her to insure the car and how much it costs to operate. Ensure she knows you will no longer be paying for it. IF the car she is driving is your name and you are making payments on it? You need to have her refinance the car in HER name. Or you can sell the car. Up to you.
If you want to show your daughter unconditional love? Then you let her go. You ensure you keep the lines of communication open. If you have health insurance on her? I would keep it and ensure she keeps up on her birth control.
I would have them over for dinner once a month - and try to have lunch or dinner with HER at least once a month so she knows you still love her and want her in your life. She's an adult. Let her fly. I hope that you taught her well.
ideally you'd get into a tardis and go back and fix this already fundamentally fractured relationship.
in lieu of that, i'd make a real effort to repair at least some of the damage.
she can do this, and you can't stop her. so lay off the threats of cutting her off financially. obviously you can (and perhaps should) and obviously it will cause pain and resentment. sounds as if you've already got plenty of that going on. so why add to it? is it helping anyone?
i would sit down with her at some point when the energy isn't too terribly frazzled and sparking with anger. i would tell her that i love her and i'm proud of her and want the best for her. i would tell her that i'm sorry the household has become so fraught with tension that she feels she needs to escape it, but that i understand. i'd tell her that it's always her home and the door will always be open if she wants or needs to come home. i'd promise that as she's now a young woman and no longer a small child that i would speak and relate to her as an adult, and that i expect the same from her. i'd tell her that if she chooses to stay we would redefine the boundaries TOGETHER and both vow to abide by them. if she still chooses to leave, i'd tell her that while she would no longer be my financial responsibility if she's living elsewhere, i'll always be there for advice, support, cookies and a cup of tea, or a fun adventure. i'd ask her respectfully to stay in touch with me because i am going to worry about her and miss her.
i wish both of you all the best.
khairete
S.
I think it depends on why she’s leaving, and what her circumstances are, which you have not included.
1) Is she out of high school, working and able to support herself a bit? Or is she still in high school? If the latter, is she scheduled to graduate in a few months?
2) Why is she leaving? What’s the environment like? Is she chafing under unrealistic rules and too much strict parenting, which have prevented her from having any independence and preparation for adult life? Or is she running wild and defying reasonable boundaries and immune to your natural consequences? What does she mean by "you'll be sorry'? Does she mean you will miss her, or that she will take some revenge on you? It matters. Or is she in an abusive relationship with a young man who is controlling her in part by pitting her against you, making you the enemy and him the rescuing hero? Those all require different responses. A lot depends on how long this has been a stressful situation and what you have done/not done up to this point.
I have friends who brought a couple of troubled teens into their homes for a school year. It provided a great cooling-down period between teen and parent, let some parents attend to some necessary therapy, and provided for a good reconciliation. I had a friend live with us in high school because her stepfather beat her horribly. Her mother let her come because she always chose the husband, and because there was a really dysfunctional situation (much of which I didn’t know until later). Her mother visited her with the younger siblings on at least one occasion. After several months, my friend went home and I remember my mother sobbing about this as she put the teen in the mother’s car. I didn’t know a lot of what was going on – my mother wisely shielded me from much of it – but certainly we had no legal authority to keep a 16 year old beyond her parents’ consent. That situation didn’t improve, although the beatings of my friend stopped, perhaps because he feared more people finding out about it (turns out he moved on to the next child, whom he sexually assaulted).
So, it can be positive if it lets things cool down but a lot depends on the history. If she’s still in high school, I think I might continue with her medical insurance, her contraception and any other medications/needs, her cell phone, and perhaps an allowance you pay to her or to the parents to help support her. I’d have the sit-down recommended by Suz and others. If there’s something to apologize for, I’d do it – that might include failing to deal with a situation that has built up over time and that you, as the adult, did not do enough to resolve. That doesn’t mean she’s not at fault as well. But you have to make the first move. Again, I’m not sure if that’s the situation. If it is, or if it might be, I’d get some counseling to figure out how you’re going to change your viewpoint and how you are going to repair things.
If she’s been stealing you blind and damaging stuff in the house, I’d let her go and have a taste of adult independence and how hard it is to afford things, and I’d change the locks in the short run if you think this boyfriend is part of the problem. I’d still try to go to lunch with her or something else to keep in contact, but in a public place (my stepdaughter was with an abusive man for years, stealing from her mother to pay his bail, and we met her in public places to keep him away from our home and her from our stuff. We informed the school so our younger child could never be dismissed to her under any circumstances. And I’d suggest you get some counseling to figure out where this went wrong and how to move forward. Even if you think this is all her fault and you’ve hand no hand in it, you must devise strategies for going forward, and you need a neutral professional to help you.
If she is in an abusive situation, I wouldn’t become her enemy. I’d support her and tell her she’s intelligent enough to make her own decisions. I’d let her know your door is open and you love her so much, and I wouldn’t use the phrase “In case the situation blows up” – I’d say something softer like “In case you decide it’s not right for you at some point in the future.” Abused women have already been convinced that they are incapable of much, and that their abuser is the only one who loves them enough to protect them from family and friends. That’s why isolation and financial control are so important in abusive relationships. If that’s the case with your daughter, I’d work with domestic violence professionals to find out how you can be a more supportive family member to pave the way for her eventual safety. The National Domestic Violence hotline provides wonderful free counseling and referrals to resources in your community.
If you noticed that all my suggestions involved you getting professional support, good. I feel strongly that you must do this. It will prevent you from making rash decisions.
Look at what you can do. You can’t stop her from moving because she will be 18. What you can do is keep lines of communication open and make sure you don’t get into a confrontation you will not win. Basically tell her you love her and will always be there for her. This does not mean you have to financially support her but you do want her to feel she can move back if that situation blows up. You do want to be in her life if that situation works out. So be loving either way. Keep a relationship with her, accept her choices and be calm and caring. Yes, you need to be a model of good behavior here.
I'm sorry it sounds like there's a lot of anger between you two. I don't really get why you'd threaten to with hold financial help, if she's no longer living with you then you won't be paying for her housing or food anymore, right?
Instead of threats and telling her what a big mistake she's making why don't you just tell her you love her, you're sorry she's leaving, wish her luck and if things don't work out she always has a home with you.
And for goodness sake make sure she's on the pill!!!
Question for me is WHY is she leaving?
It doesn't sound like you two have a good or even great relationship.
Have you spoken with the boyfriend's family? Have they heard both sides of the story? When I was in high school, my best friend came and lived with us. My parents charged her rent (it was like $100 a month). She and her parents were at an impasse and they needed a break from each other. My parents got along well with her parents. They spoke. She asked and they allowed her to stay. She still had to follow the rules of the house. But it worked out for all of us. She lived with us for almost 2 years. It was the break that was needed in her life.
I hope they are charging her rent and it's not a free ride. I hope that you have taught your daughter how to pay her bills.
Will you be canceling her cell phone?
What about her car?
How is she going to get to school and work? Or are you washing your hands of her? You really haven't given a lot of information! SO a lot of speculation will be made.
Has your daughter graduated high school?
Does she plan on attending college?
Does she have a plan for her life?
There are so many unanswered questions. I strongly urge you to reconcile your relationship with your daughter. I hope you both get counseling and learn how to communicate effectively with each other.,
Wish her well, change the locks once she is moved out and send her a bag of groceries every once in awhile.
Offer to help keep her birth control going if you are helping her to keep that up.
What else can you do?
I would be cautious about having a revolving door on your home here she can move in and out when ever it suits her - you are not a hotel/flop house.
Do you know how the boyfriends family feels about her moving in with them?
Not every family would welcome a girlfriend to come live with them.
She's 18. She can do whatever she wants. You don't give enough information for anyone to answer anything other than "let her go."
