My Daughter Nighttime Waking up and Crying

M. -

I'm going to totally change things up here and suggest something that I learned through my sister-in-law's experience: take her potty!

Both my daughters and my nephews started crying inconsolably during the night around this age, and it took a while for my sister-in-law to figure it out, but thankfully I learned from her experience and tried it right away. When nothing was visibly wrong (they were warm, had their drink, their blanket, etc.) we took them to the bathroom, and what do you know?!? They peed, calmed right down and went right back to sleep. My daughters were potty training at this point, but her son wasn't, and yet he would still go at that time for her.

As far as the sleeping in her own bed issue, there is a very strong divide between co-sleepers and the rest of us. My husband and I have chosen to let our kids lay with us for a couple minutes if they come in to our bedroom for some reason, but then we lovingly tuck them back into their own beds. You can be a loving and attentive mom without having your kids co-sleep with you. I feel you just give them the love in their room rather than yours so that they know you are always there for them, but don't get in the habit of sleeping in your bed - if that's your choice.

Wow. I'm sorry that people have been so judgmental and personal in their responses. Not what you asked for or what you should have received.

We are going through the same thing. What has worked for us is to put a second gate above the first gate so she can't climb over. This way we are able to leave the door open so she doesn't feel cut off from us. I'm sure these other people who have posted will think that is awful, but she didn't cry once when we put it up and sleeps through the night without a peep. I snuggle with her when I put her down for bed until she falls asleep and after she wakes up. Neither my husband or I sleep well with kids in our bed. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.

this is tricky since it sounds like you and your husband are adamant about her not sleeping with you. i see her need for physical comfort as something that needs attention, the more she meets resistance the more her need for your physical comfort is strengthened. sometimes as parents we need to meet the challenge of needs importance, ours or our children's. is it worth the struggle of listening to her discomfort, crying, etc. this can take up much time and heartache and frustration for all. or perhaps can she snuggle close to her parents, which is still a natural desire and need for children her age., can she cuddle for security in calmness and peace? it's important to first recognize why it is so important to you to have her alone in her own room. is it because you think that if she starts this habit of coming to your room she will never leave? there is no easy answer here. on one hand, if she feels alone and uncertain, how does that help build her trust in you to help her through tough times. and on the other how are you and your husband to have the desired privacy, etc., in your own room. can she fall asleep in your room peacefully, and then you transfer her back to her room? i don't know, all family situations are different, every child, every parent. if it helps, it is a very natural process for a child to want to be physically close to the parents during sleep, sometimes up to the age 6 or 7 and definitely at age 2. this is not rebellion on her part or anything negative. the most important thing to recognize, is why do you desire, really desire to resist this? hopefully it's not because somewhere along the line someone told you it's how it should be. one thing, you will find your peace. someday.

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but I can't believe what I'm reading.

Do you mama's realize how you sound?? Shutting your children away from you? Locking them in their bedroom for wanting to be with you? Really?

My personal opinion is that children know what they need, and your daughter is obviously telling you very forcefully that she needs more of you. She needs to be closer. She doesn't feel secure in her own room alone. She wants to feel safe while she's sleeping. All very reasonable needs coming from a very small person that is still very new to this big, confusing, scary world.

My advice, let her come into bed with you.... after all, why not?

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Ashley, maybe YOU should think before you speak. She wasn't asking about a child that gets up and causes mischief, she was asking about a child that wants desperately to be with mommy. Maybe if you had attended to your children's needs in this area, they wouldn't be awake all night now and would have healthier sleep habits. You know, it's only in America with our crazy "me" focused culture that moms don't want their babies with them at night. It's not natural and it's bad for their development.

Also, when I say children know what they need, of course I am speaking about emotionally. Please! Let's apply a little common sense here.

Seems to me that by this time of the morning, you and your husband should have been intimate already if you are going to be. So why not buy a kind sized bed and just let her come in with you? They are only little once and someday you will look back and wonder where the heck time went. I know I'm being a little blunt. But seriously, just love your child. I agree with the poster below and how you sound. You have no idea how uncaring and unloving it sounds. All 4 of my daughters have slept with us off and on and they have been perfectly fine to give us space when we needed it. We are a loving family, normal with teenage not so bliss moments. But you know what? My daughters are all great people and grown and still love their parents. The ones that climbed in our beds the most often are the ones that are closest to us too.

To the poster that has a child getting into mischief. If the child is getting into mischief and not sleeping so much that they are doing dangerous things, then they need to be with you all the MORE. You'll learn to sleep very light and hear their footsteps and feel the bed move when they leave it. They could find a way to hurt themselves in their own room, no matter how much you think it's a safe room. Children like that need to have firmer bounderies during the day AND, they need to be more tired out both in mind and body. They are getting into that kind of mischief because they are bored and not tired enough to sleep. They need a serious increase in early learning opportunities and lots of big motor skill activity and time to be silly in a very controlled and supervised way. Then that night-time stuff will stop.

Oh wow, you have your hands full! I know a lot of sleep training books and Supernanny recommend that you just keep putting your daughter back in her bed without saying anything and eventually she will get the picture, but I also know about stubborn children (I have one!), so if this works it would be great, but I'm not all that confident in it for everyone... So maybe a rewards system might work for you. When my son was about the same age I was having to sit with him for a loooooong time each night and at nap times to get him to go to sleep. So, at just over 2 he was able to understand a rewards system. I made a chart and rewarded him with a sticker every time he went to bed on his own and didn't need me to sit there (naps and bedtime) and didn't scream out for us when we weren't sitting there. At the end of 10 stickers, we would reward him with a small toy. The first time we took him to the toy store to make a big deal out of it, but the second and third times I just had something I knew he would like on hand. Anyway, he caught on pretty quickly and by 40 stickers (4 toys) he was going down on his own no problem. And he's been pretty good since. There will always be small setbacks, but his sleep problems are nothing like before and everyone is much less stressed out at nighttime and much happier during the day!

We ended up locking my sons door from the outside. We do a good bedtime routine (brushing teeth, story, song, prayer), keep them calm at night prior to bedtime routine, have a good nightlight.... they cried at first, but after a week or so, they got used to it and it was no longer a problem.

In any case, here are some expert great tips from Dr. Sears regarding sleep issues that can help her feel more comfortable and make it easier for both of you:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp
(esp this one:)
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070300.asp

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and ps Dyreka... we lock them in their room at night when we go to bed for their safety, because they get into all sorts of mischief late at night when everyone is sleeping and want to play... so think before you speak. Obviously, if they really were in trouble or needed something we would go in to comfort them, which we do, and they get plenty of cuddle time and interaction all day, especially at bedtime.

And no, not all little children know what they want or what is good for them, other wise they would be eating snacks all day and playing in the street. Giving in to them every time they scream and cry is not helping them learn coping skills and to self soothe (unless they are infants, then yes, they do need that).

Do you always take her back to her bed when she comes in to yours? If not, she will continue to do this.

As Dyreka K. suggested, perhaps she needs this closeness with you. At the same time you need a good nights sleep and the privacy of your own bed. You can give her more cuddle time during the day if that's what she needs. At this age she should be able to stay in her own bed.

Have you tried leaving a night light on, soft music? Does she have something with which to cuddle. Is the room temperature comfortable? Does something happen at that time that wakes her up? Do you have a consistent bed time routine that helps her to relax and be sleepy? Does she get enough exercise during the day but not much in the evening?

If you've tried these things then I suggest allowing her how tarn how o soothe herself and teach her to say in her own bed. One way to do this is taught by SuperNanny. She says to Immediately put them back in their own bed each and every time she gets out of hers. Do this calmly and without saying anything after the first time during which you can say something quietly like it's night time when you sleep in your bed. After that calmly return her to her bed without saying anything to her. Do this every time she gets out. You may have to do this several times each night for a few days. Start on a weekend.

Tell her ahead of time that you're going to do this. Perhaps read a book with her about bedtime in her own bed. Talk about the process. Reassure her that you know she can sleep thru the night in her bed.

Once she's able to stay in her room she may still whimper some if she wakes up. Don't go in to her unless she screams or is obviously in distress. By letting her whimper a bit you're letting her learn how to soothe herself. By going in and patting her back when she's in distress you're letting her know that you're there and will take care of her. If she screams in frustration and not fear I would wait 5 minutes or so before going in and putting her back to bed.

Your goal is to let her know in a loving way that it's important to stay in her own bed but that you're also aware that she may need reassurance from time to time. You're also letting her know that being angry or frustrated is not going to make you take her to bed with you.

If the gate was working until she learned how to climb over it then you could put up a second gate on top of the first one.

Hi,

When this happened to us, we put one of those child knob locks on the outside of our door. That way we could hear when they tried to come into our room and we would take them back to their room without saying anything (just snuggles and back rubs). It took a few days but it really worked.