My Deceased Sister's Daughter

Help her.
My mom also died when I was 16. I lived in Michigan and all my mom's family lived in Texas. All I wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Please pay for her ticket and tell her how much you want to see her and how excited you are!

I think I'm missing something.
She's coming for a visit with you?
I can't imagine why she would need to pay that up front if you are tearing her for the trip. Are you afraid the tIcket will go unused & she wont show maybe?

"I do not want to have bad feelings with my deceased sister's daughter."
So TALK to her! Not email. TALK!

When I hadn't first job & place after college, no WAY could I have afforded a "free" ticket upfront!

Good luck!

If you're treating her to her flight, what does it matter if she pays it first and you repay it. I think you're just assuming that she is going to screw you over. She's not the rest of the family.

Is proving your point more important than the relationship with the niece? If you intend to pay for it anyway, just pay it. It will go a LONG way in adding to the relationship.

Your NIECE. She's your niece, not your "deceased sister's daughter." Goodness. It's been almost 10 years since your sister passed away. I'm sure you still feel sorrow for that, but I think it's time to stop referencing your sister's death every time you mention your niece. Her whole life ought not be defined by it. She's a lovely, adult woman with a degree and a job whose mom died 9 years ago (what does her being childless have to do with it?). She's managed to be successful despite a rough start into the adult world. Good for her.

If your intent is to pay for the trip, then pay for it now. It's $200. If something awful happens and she can't make it, get over it. Life happens and our loved ones are too important to be resentful over stupid money.

ETA: "No one has ever burned anyone until that first time--I am being proactive. "

NOW you are being unreasonable. She has given you no reason to be untrustworthy.

If I were her, and my aunt told me she's pay for my ticket, but I had to buy it on a credit card first...I'd find that a little more than odd. And I sure wouldn't get a credit card to do it.

I honestly find your attitude rude and understand why she is feeling offended enough not to return your emails.

She might not have the $ to do it? If she is working a menial job...

If you truly are trying to treat her and pay for her flight, bust out your CC/Bank Card/Debit card and buy her the ticket already!

You seem overly concerned by being 'burnt' or by having 'bad feelings'...is it possible you are clouding the whole experience and sabotaging it before it even has a chance to get going?

If my only sister's, only child wanted to come see me you had better believe I would be calling her and paying UPFRONT so all she had to do was get herself to the airport with her I.D. .... and be so tickled that she even wanted to visit her dear ol' Auntie!!!

Yes, I do find telling someone you will TREAT them, and then telling to to pay first...unreasonable. Do you not know what treat means? She is working a "menial job," how do you think she will afford to pay the ticket. You have been burnt by family in the past, but have you been burnt by HER? Why would you treat her like a thief and with suspicion. THAT is unreasonable, and very insulting. I would not return your email under those insinuations, either. Any reason you can't CALL?

She is not your "deceased sister's daughter." She is your NIECE. Perhaps, if you treated her like that...this situation wouldn't have blown up. You are being unreasonable, rude, and accusatory. I would stay home, too.

Don't offer to TREAT someone, unless you are actually willing to do that.

Maybe she doesn't have the money to spend upfront. Maybe she's been burnt by people not repaying her. Maybe she is hearing "I don't trust you because others did not keep their word". Maybe she isn't hearing "you are my niece" but rather "you are my dead sister's daughter".

Call your niece and talk to her. Tell her you did not mean to offend her, you were speaking from experience rather than with your heart. If you can afford the ticket and plan to pay it go ahead and do it.

If you are comfortable in asking her if her hesitation was because she can't afford the ticket upfront, it is ok to do so. Maybe she could put it on a charge card and you could pay for it once it's purchased (rather than when she arrives so she doesn't accrue interest).

I would talk to her. If you want a better relationship, try CALLING her and saying, "I'm sorry if that came off wrong. I have been burnt by people in the past who didn't follow through. If you are unable to front the money, please let me know and we can discuss a new plan. I do want you to visit and am sorry that we got off on the wrong foot here." And see what she says. And then, if you can truly afford the $200, consider it a gift and let it go. If it is "no biggie" then keep that mindset vs counting nickles. Look online together, or tell her you will book the flight and give her the information. You can do it for her vs her buying it and being repaid.

I also like the idea of offering to visit her instead, to show that you really do want to see her, if flying to you is no longer an option.

She may be feeling stung because she reached out to you, a connection she has with her mother, and it didn't go as expected. I think a phone call vs email is in order, regardless.

so she is working a menial job (translation minimum wage?) she probably does not have the money for the ticket up front.

Actually I think this is a smart idea. I would call her though. Maybe she will understand you better if she hears your voice.

Rhonda:

I don't think it's unreasonable. However, you are holding other family members past bad judgment/rudeness over her head. Has she done anything to make you think that she will not be on the flight?

I am sorry for your loss. May your sister's memory be eternal.

how about this? If she has not screwed you over in the past with money, don't let others hinder this relationship. Call her and tell her - "I'm sorry - I am holding other people's poor form over your head. I will pay for the ticket. Tell me what days you would like to fly and I will make it happen."

For the ones who have wronged you in the past...handle it the way you are - pay when they get there. For her, if she hasn't wronged you? Don't hold it over her head!

Enjoy your niece!!

I think you should pay for the flight now if you are going to pay for it at all. If she didn't burn you in the past, you shouldn't put other people's mistakes on her. She reached out to you, she has no one else. If you can afford to pay for the flight then I say you do it now. She probably didn't email you back because she doesn't know what to say. You offered a gift with conditions.

I could not afford to do this on our fixed income, perhaps she can't either and is embarrassed.

Not unreasonable at all, but maybe she's just saying that because she's embarrasssed that she can't pay upfront, even if she's reimbursed later. If she's working a menial job, its a real possibility. Even if the flight is only $200, if she doesn't have $200 in her bank account....

wow!
i think you are being very reasonable, and not sure what her problem is.
stay firm and loving. i hope she gets over her snit and that you have a nice visit.
ETA of course it's possible that she doesn't have the money, but that doesn't mean it's an acceptable response to ignore her aunt's correspondence. why doesn't she just say so? either way, i agree that actual conversation beats email any day.
khairete
S.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all.
Buying the ticket herself would mean she's committed to the trip.
She'd HAVE to go through with it if she wanted to be reimbursed.
If she changed her mind - SHE'D be out the money.
If you buy it for her up front - she could easily change her plans and not be out a cent - while it's money tossed out the window on your part.
Or maybe she was hoping you'll just give her the money now - so she could change her mind and spend it on something else.
Yeah - I can see how that might irritate her if she actually has to SEE you to get some money and it wouldn't she wouldn't have a gain if she was just being reimbursed for what she initially spent.
Stick with your plan.
If she doesn't come for a visit then seeing YOU wasn't what her top priority was ever going to be.
Family is all good and well - but not if they only see you as a bank or a means to a cheap vacation.

My guess is that if she is really working that kind of menial type job, she really doesn't have an extra $200 in her account. She is probably doing all that she can just to make ends meet paycheck to paycheck.

If you want to see her, then go ahead and pay for her ticket (refundable) on your credit card. That way, you can get your money back if she backs out.

It is quite likely that she does not and will not have the money. If you put the ticket on your credit card, do so without the expectation of reimbursement or resentment if the trip is not made. She does not make enough to pay for it now or in the future. However, you are the older woman in her life since her mother is gone. If you have the $200 to spend, I would consider it an investment in your relationship with her and her future. If you get burnt, you still did what was right.

When I was in college my wealthy aunt paid for all of my books. I would go to the bookstore, find all the books I needed, have the cashier ring them up to find out what the total would be, then call my aunt and she'd transfer money into my checking account right away so I could purchase the books.

She also had experience with family members not paying her back for things--like the $30k she lent to her sister's son (my cousin) who couldn't pay her back after the economy went south, he got a divorce, and had to move back in with his parents. This hasn't stopped my aunt from lending out money to family--she judges each of us on our own merits.

Has she done things in the past to make you think that she won't pay you back? If she is a college grad she surely has some degree of responsibility.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can understand your concern on laying out money when you have been burned before. Is it wize for your neice to come visit you at this time. If money is tight for her there is no way she could probably pay for the ticket. If you have been burned maybe she has been burned by the same family members? Can you go visit her? Then maybe you guys can take a road trip and spend time together? Or just stay at a hotel and take her out to eat. Take her to a show. You can see what conditions she is living in and buy her a home warming gift.

Okay I find something about this fishy. Overall I agree with the others that if you are willing to pay for it you should just buy it b/c she probably doesn't have the means to even put up the money in the first place....

But, am I the only one who finds it weird that she finds this so unreasonable that she is refusing to return your emails? That is just weird. I mean sorry, but if someone was offering me a few hundred dollars I would stay in contact and try to work it out. I'd be honest that I can't afford to front the money or whatever.

Is she generally flaky? Do you really believe she won't take the flight? I suppose you could buy the insurance on the ticket, or use Southwest if you can, they have the easiest transfer policies.

I think you need to call her and talk to her instead of emailing, but I wouldn't buy the ticket until you guys can have an adult conversation about this. I mean I know she's a "kid" in your eyes but she's 25 and should be able to speak honestly to her aunt!

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me, but it may be impractical for her current financial situation. I have friends and family who truly could not do that, even though it seems reasonable. She may be worried about hthe overall cost of her visit and concern about outlaying the money for the plane ticket. Her visit to see you may be a financial hardship beyond the cost of the plane ticket. If she does not have benefits (vacation time), then she may be taking time from work without pay. So, she will be losing income during the time she visits you. She also may have to pay airport parking or for a ride to and from the airport, which could easily run $50 or more on top of the visit. If she has pets that would require boarding, that would also add to the costs. Call her to discuss.

I know a lot of college grads in the past few years have not been able to find jobs that use their degrees or fully use their skills. Personally, I dislike the term "menial job," when someone is doing what it takes to put food on the table and a roof over their head, there's no such thing as a menial job.

Why don't you go see her a few days, treat her to a couple of nice meals and have a nice visit?

Unreasonable? For me it would be saying "I don't trust you not to spend my money and not come visit".

Tell her to take her time saving up the money. Tell her that there is no hurry on your part for her to visit. Give her the dates you will be in Oklahoma. And then leave her alone. Her attitude is actually a bit appalling.

Dawn

If she finds it unreasonable dont do it.

I couldn't afford to do that, personally.

I'd also be seriously confused/hesitant.

"Wait... You're buying this FOR me? But I have to buy it? What?"

Making me think, as well, that *I* may get burned (Well I never agreed to ... the whole thing, the taxes, the this/that/etc.).

I think you should not transfer the bad feelings you have of being 'burnt by family' in the past onto your motherless niece.

You're niece probably does not have the savings or credit card ability to pay for a ticket if she is working a menial job.

Even though for you there is adult logic based upon prior experience in your decision, it must hurt emotionally to this young woman to be placed lower than your money, especially since mothering her is a role that I hope any sister would do for another sister.

Have you asked her directly if she cannot afford the ticket up front?

I don't think that your sister's death plays into this occasion. Your niece, who does not make a lot of money, wants to visit and can't afford to. You've offered to treat her, but she does not have the money to lay out. You are afraid you'll send her the money and she wont' buy the ticket, right? So why don't you and your niece look at flights together on line, while you're on the phone together, choose the flights and YOU book them and put them on your credit card. This is really a simple solution.

I am a college grad of rather low paying wages, but it's a JOB that pays real live money and insurance-so I am not so certain of the point there other than believe me if someone were to pay my plane ticket I would love it.And since it's a menial job that she has she might have a harder time to get off including travel time. However, I am wondering why --she has to go see you in this case (you can't go see her?) and having been burned myself on tickets or monetary gifts why there can't be an arrangement that a ticket is waiting for her. If I were you and I didn't see your background yet, so you might have eight children you can't leave.Go see HER. It's not unreasonable to ask her to get the tickets, that is about learning responsibility, but she probably doesn't have the money to pay up front. Yes, to me two hundred dollars (your previous experience) IS a biggie on my paltry pay, but I can understand her as you yourself indicated she is probably living paycheck to paycheck. On the otherhand perhaps she was insulted that you were going to pay at all. Maybe she intended to buy the tickets and is upset that you are insinuating she is so poor. Who knows. And write some letters to her other than email. People still read those. And describe how you miss your sister and that you value your relationship more than anything. I can understand why you wanted to do this, but perhaps you could explain it first to her.

If you want to treat her, then treat her. Buy the ticket! Was SHE the one for whom you bought a ticket in the past and then did not use it? If not, I don't see how a different family member's actions should affect how you treat or look at this niece. Seriously, I don't get it. I think you should call her (no email), pick a date for the visit and then buy the ticket. Why wouldn't she come after that?

Well, she's acting childish, but it's possible she was burnt in the opposite direction. "I'll pay, but you buy it first" can also be blown off. And I know you've been burnt before, but if she hasn't done it and you don't expect her to, it feels like you're saying right off that you don't trust her, which hurts. Also, if she doesn't have the money to buy the ticket, how is she going to buy the ticket?

Use a phone instead of email, tell her what has happened to you in the past, and brainstorm to fix this.

I wonder if Southwest is an option? I don't know if you can get money back, but if you can't make one flight, you can rebook at no extra charge.