My DH Admitted to Me That He Loves Our Baby Girl More than My 2 Little Boys?

I'd just let it go. Who can not love a cute cuddly little baby that doesn't talk back, cause problems, get into mischeif....usual kid stuff. He is overwhelmed with love for this new life....let him enjoy it. Don't get upset about it. My advice drop it.

Before I had kids I worked in child development centers. Let me tell you that I *loved* the kids in my care; I mean "come in early, skip my lunch break, and stay late until their mom came to get them" love. "Do my paperwork on the weekend so I wouldn't take time away from them while I was in the center" love. "Spend my paycheck on birthday presents for them" love. I had dreams about these kids, and worried about them on the weekends, I even babysat them on my vacation time when our center was closed! Then I had my son. What I felt for him, the instant I met him, was unbelieveable, indescribeable, unending, and unwavering. It made me feel like I simply had "tolerated" the kids in my center compared to what I felt and still feel for him. If your husband continues to be a father to your boys, and puts in a concentrated effort toward loving them and raising them, you really can't ask for more. He is living up to his committment to them, and you. His feelings are just that, feelings. He can't change them, but he can make sure he doesn't act on them, and so far it seems like that is something he is willing and able to do. Give him a "pat on the back", tell him that the reason you chose him to father your sons is because you feel about them the way he feels about his daughter now.

You have felt that "awe" 3 times...he's felt it once. While I see what you're saying, I can't help but think it's typical--realistically speaking.
At the end of the day, if you can say that he is a great stepfather to your boys, then you're both doing something right, don't you think?
I think that it may be unrealistic to expect a stepfather to feel EXACTLY the same on every level about step kids and biological kids.

I say as long as he is still a great dad then let it be. He even admits that he feels guilty about feeling that way. I kinda feel sorry for the guy because he probably thinks he is an awful person for feeling this way. I think it's good that you talked about it though and I think it's great that he was so honest with you. It's an even better sign that once you mentioned the problem he course corrected and is working to fix the problem. Honestly, my sister and I have felt one parent prefers one over the other, and we are completely biological!! :)

You've gotten a lot of great responses,though I didn't read them all. One thing I think you should remember, Daddy's are J. funny with their little girls. There is a natural need for them to protect and take care of their daughters. They have a tendency to always J. need to teach their boys how to be men. It is J. simply different. If he is a good man, don't worry. He'll do his job to be a father to all of your children. As your daughter grows and your sons get used to having the new addition, you will see alot of the same behaviors in them with her. Trust M., I've been there, she will be everyone's little princess, not J. Daddy's.

I commend your hubby for being so open and honest about his feelings. That in itself is huge!!
I am a step-mom to an amazing young lady. I have been with her Dad since she was 3 months old. I love her ~ completely, unconditionally, without a doubt, love her!
It wasn't until I had "my own" children did I realize how deep the bond was between a biological parent and their child. I do not love my SD any less than I ever did and I absolutely do not love my boys more but it is "different" with your step-children and your bio children. Not in a mean, hurtful way. But in a deeper, emotional sense. My SD and I are very close, but she has that "bond" with her mother that will never be replaced or duplicated. Just as I have that "bond" with my boys. This may not make sense to anyone, especially those who have never been a step-parent. It's difficult and complicated being in blended families. But as long as your hubby has open eyes and a heart full of love and is willing to work hard at loving and raising all your children I think you should give him some time and space to bond with his baby girl. There is also a bond between father and daughter that can't be ignored! I see it every day :) my SD is my hubby's princess and his #1 girl and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Best wishes to you and yours!

leave him over this? seriously?
he has given you the great compliment of being honest with you. it sounds as if his emotions have been blindsided by the addition of his beautiful adored daughter and he's working them out, and doing so by sharing his confusion with his partner.
he's barely had time to adjust to this. your daughter is so brand-new. as you all move forward with integrating this beloved new person into your family, EVERYONE's feelings will change and shift. i have no doubt that a man this big-hearted will learn to balance the difference between his feelings for his stepkids and his bio kid and make it work. even with bio kids there are variations in the way the parents love them, even if the amount of love is the same.
be happy that he feels comfortable enough to be honest with you, and help him work it out.
khairete
S.

Not very politically correct I'm afraid but I believe (as a step child) that the biological bonds to a child are always a tad stronger than those non-bio kids. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them A TON - but nothing is stronger than the love you have for your own flesh and blood.

Plus - he admitted it (which is hard) and it's only been 2 weeks - it's the euphoria of a new life which is tiny, and quiet, and unbelievably sweet - compared to two loud, raucous boys. Just a different time...I bet he settles down a bit as time moves on.

I would NOT leave your husband over this....he LOVES your boys...he's just infatuated with his little girl right now.

Good luck

I would say it's just the way it is. What if he loved one boy more than the other? What if he loved you more than the kids? Or the kids more than you? Do you love your kids more than your husband? Your husband more than your kids? I don't believe than a human being can control this and really love 4 people exactly equally. If he was a great dad before, I would believe he will continue to be one. I don't think depriving your sons of their dad would be in any way beneficial to them.

The baby is 2 1/2 weeks old, I think you need to chill out & give it some time. Being in a blended family & then adding to that blended family are never easy & there are lots of adjustments to deal with. The dynamic will not be the same now & you can't really expect things to stay the way they were.

I am a step parent & the love you feel for your own child is very different & can be more than you feel for a child that is not yours. Be happy that he was honest with you, has been a great dad to your boys, and is already showing that he will be a great dad to your daughter.

I'm not sure why you would leave him over this, personally. You forced him into admitting his true feelings & now you are mad... it's not fair. It sounds like you are overreacting.

1- My fiance sort of said the same thing when our son was born, but... there's still this super special bond that I will never understand between him and my 2 girls. I don't think your hubs meant it like it came out; men are crappy communicators ;) It's just that now he has a deeper understanding of paternal love now that he has a bio-kid... it really doesn't mean he loves the boys any less!!

2- Think of adoptive parents. They love those babies because they're THEIR kids... that's a totally different bond than actually creating a child from your own being.

3- Speaking from experience, once your daughter gets older (and don't take this the wrong way), he's going to get equally frustrated with her as he does now with the boys!! I promise :) It's kind of a 'honeymoon period' right now ;)

Maybe do what we did... go to a couples counselor who specializes in blended families. My fiance is a great father, to my girls from a previous relationship, and our son... this would even be the part where he corrects me and says 'OUR girls' ;)

Your husband said straight out that he loves your boys to death. He didn't say he loves your sons less than he did before. Only that he loves his little girl more. Without snark or meanness on my part: What more do you want? I mean, realistically what do want or expect? He will always love your boys and do right by them. He's taking time right now to bond with his first biological child and is probably feeling really overwhelmed with it.

While he probably "shouldn't" have spoken the words out loud to a mother who is mother to all three of the children and does love them all equally, I think that you need to cut him some slack. While you don't understand his feelings and likely never will, you owe him the right to feel what he feels. What will matter is how he acts on those feelings as the children grow up. If you left your husband over this it would be such a disservice to all of your children and your husband.

I also think it's wonderful that he did feel comfortable enough with you to talk with you about this. It's great communication on his part. He sounds like a wonderful father to ALL of the children.

This is totally normal. I had a daughter before marrying my DH, and we have a daughter together. He adopted my oldest and loves her dearly, but the natural love that you feel for your own baby is different. As long as he's treating them with love and making an effort to spend time with them, you'll be fine.

I am a step mom and my kids have a step dad (my hubby). My husband loves my 2 kids as much as he loves his daughter but it's "different". The true, deep love and bond you feel with your own bio kids are just different than the love you feel for anyone else. I love my step daughter and will do anything for her. We treat all 3 of our kids equally, meaning we show our love to all and discipline each equally as well. I think its great that your husband was honest with you and he has taken steps to make you and the boys feel more of his love and not be ignored. His daughter is his new "toy" so to speak, she's new and exciting. Once things settle down and you get into more of a flow, I'm sure it will work itself out and he will be more equal with all his kids. Good luck!!!

I agree with him. Before I had kids I thought I loved some kids as my own because I helped raise them. After I had my own child, I knew I loved her in a superior way and that I should. We should love our own kids most.
I would not deprive her of her dad or the boys of their stepdad.

Ok, so this will be my best attempt to explain what I think about your situation, which for anyone who has read my posts on this subject, this subject ranks as one of my biggest worries... that my fiance (husband to be on May 28th) will somehow treat my child differently than any future bio kids we may have together. I am terrified that my son will be somehow hurt by the presence of a bio kid between me and new husband, or that he'll feel he is regarded differently. This question has painfully brought to life this worry I have, but it also got me thinking, and here's what I think.

First, I need to explain my feelings on *LOVE*. When I think of or use the word love, I think of it as complete, unconditional, all encompassing. Love (in my thoughts) comes from God, and in that, it is pure, and whole. It cannot be quantified. The essence of LOVE is that it is complete. So to LOVE someone, is to love them completely, wholly, unconditionally. I've been asked in relationships (maybe in more of a playful manner), how much do you love me? And my response is always, "I just LOVE you. Can someone love just a little? Or conversely, a lot? If you LOVE someone, you just love them, completely, wholly, unconditionally." And if someone tells me they love me "a lot," I say the same thing. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the sentiment behind, "I love you a lot," but in my mind, there is only one way to love, and that's without measure.

That said, I think what your husband may mean (not to put words in his mouth, and I apologize for speaking for him), but what I think he may be experiencing and describing as *love* is the BOND he feels developing with his bio daughter. He is bonding with her in a way he wasn't able to with your sons, as he was not there with them as they grew in your womb, or from the moment of their birth. Sure, he has developed some bond with them, but it will never the same bond as that he has with his daughter. He's bonding with your sons through his development of a positive, trusting relationship with them, and his demonstrations of love for them. But it will never be the same as that instant, natural, parental bond we feel for that baby we created, and bonded with the moment it was conceived, and then solidified the moment they were born.

But in my mind, BOND does not equal LOVE.

I think that your husband does love your boys, and will continue to show that love as he has in the past. And I think he'll continue to feel slightly more closely bonded with your daughter. And that's natural. The most important thing is that he is loving and fair to all of them and it sounds like that's his intention. I think you have a good man there, and it sounds like everything will be ok.

Now, I just need to take my own advice.

He has no control over how he FEELS. It is what it is. As longs as he treats your boys the same as your daughter, that's all that matters.

Frankly, I think that every parent with more than one kid loves one more than the others just because of how personalities mesh. It's natural to have stronger feelings for one person than another, even if they all came out of your own body.

Totally normal! First, he is overcome with bonding hormones for your daughter, which is normal and healthy and wonderful (yes, dads have surges in Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, just like moms do - isn't that cool?). Dads bond with newborns too and feel that same "no one in the world matters more than this baby and I'll never love another child as much as I love this one" feeling that moms do. Don't you remember being head over heels in love with your first born? And then wondering when you were pregnant with your second how you could possibly love a baby as much as your first? Same thing!

Now of course it hurts to hear that he loves her more than your children, but that's normal too. Like he said, he thought he loved them as much as he would have loved his own children because he had nothing to compare that feeling to. I have a step child and I love her, but it's not that same love her to my core feeling that I have for my biological children. I'd say that the best way to describe this is that I would do anything that's in the best interest of any of my children, but with my boys, there would be no thought - just instinct while with her, doing right by her is a choice. It's the choice that I make, but it's a choice. I treat her as I do my bio kids, provide for her in the same way, etc. but it's not identical to how I feel about my bio kids. My husband definitely doesn't love my oldest son (his step-son) like his bio kids. Again that's understandable, but in that case his actions reflect that difference and that's not OK.

Just acknowledge that you were surprised to hear that but you understand and thank him for his honesty (it's not an easy thing to admit) and let him know that you're thrilled that he's bonding with your little girl but that the boys still need him too, so you would appreciate it if he would be conscious about spending time with them.

And let you boys know that the bonding that they see is normal and wonderful - that you got to bond with the baby because she was in your belly and dad didn't get to bond with the baby until she was born so he's just excited and getting to know her and things will get back to normal soon.

I think his feelings are natural. She is his own flesh and blood and he is in awe right now...She is only 2.5 weeks of reality to him so far. I think you need to give him a break. Remember how it feels as a mom, being pregnant and wondering if you have room in your heart for yet another little soul and wondering how you can possibly love the next baby like you love your current child or children...then you see that little face, and hands and toes and you are smitten! He is going through this now. Give him time...he loves your boys and hopefully he will be back to equal-play time daddy soon.

From what you write, it sounds as if your husband really loves all his children. You need to understand, though, that baby girls grab their daddies' hearts without even trying. And she's brand new, and that makes a difference!

Remember also that being a biological dad is new to him.

But your boys are very special, too, and both of you know it. So keep reassuring your husband that you love it that he loves all three of his children.

If it really worries you, you could ask a counselor about it.

What if he said he loved your boys more than his daughter? I think you must be very hormonal to even think this is a reason to leave someone. Why would you pressure him to admit his feelings? Why would you even want to know that? Do you think he will neglect your boys? I mean your baby is only a couple weeks old why ruin his awe of his first child. Your sons are not his and he may love them but you know there is nothing like having your own flesh and blood in your arms. Remember when you had your first son and you probably thought you couldn't love anyone like him? Well your husband is feeling that right now don't ruin it for him. You also don't want to make it seem like you love your sons more than daughter becuase they don't live with their dad and she does. You are going to make things noticed if you keep obsessing over it.

As long as he is not abusive or downright mean to your sons why would you consider leaving him? I think it is probably human nature to have more feelings for a bilogical child that you get to bond w/from birth then a step child. I have a child from a previous marriage that my husband helped me raise and is a great step-father too, but I see a huge difference in how he is with our biological son.

I think that the fact that he has admitted it to you is part of his desire to get you to help him and encourage him.

Does he treat your boys fairly - does he love them - but just not quite as much?

You need to sit down and have a good heart to heart. Tell him that it's important that he treat all the kids equally - for not only the boys sake but her sake, too. When she grows up, she could feel a lot of shame and guilt about his favoritism.

He sounds like a good guy. Keep communicating.

Give it time. Your daughter is still new and his thoughts may change in a few months. Let the newness wear off them talk to him again. Let your hubby have his time with his daughter and take the time and give your sons some extra attention.

We feel what we feel... but it should NOT affect our behavior. What he is doing is destructive not only to the family unit, but if continued, it will be destructive to the "little princess" as well. Sometimes even with biological children, a parent will admit that one of the kid's personality clashes, or they really like one more than the other. Those are feelings. Behavior is a CHOICE. Love itself is a CHOICE we make, day in and day out in spite of stinky socks, burps, vomit, bad grades, lost jobs, or whatever else. We choose to love and that love is expressed in our behavior - our actions.

So - great - he "loves" his little princess. He has a commitment to "love" the rest of the family and the family unit, and that means taking ACTION.

Have a frank talk with him. Acknowledge his "more love" but remind him of the "other loves" in his life and about the destructive nature of his actions. In the long run, it will be detrimental to his daughter as well if he does not put YOU and the family unit first in his life. If this continues, find a family therapist. But right now, the baby really does need a lot of attention, perhaps the novelty will wear off? In the meantime, I would definitely take advantage of his infatuation and let him be the one to get up during the night.

I loved one of my own biological children more than the other at times... I felt horrible but a friend told me all parents feel that way but most won't admit it. It was a temporary thing that switched back and forth but it's almost an "in love" feeling w/ one child for awhile when they're just in the cutest stage or something while the other is being difficult. Of course I technically love them the same but did have a favorite for a moment. I wouldn't worry about this too much. For one, the baby is new and young and cute. Even if the boys were his own but he wasn't around for when they were infants, likely he'd be more fascinated by the baby. He sounds like a great man and I'm sure he will continue to love your sons and be a great father to them. If there are little things along the way, I would chalk them up to your sons that she's "daddy's little girl". It's not uncommon in families w/ 2 older boys for the little girl to be treated extra special no matter the biology. So try not to focus too much on the fact that he's their stepdad and explain to the boys this is the first time he's been around a baby and as she gets older, they'll also have to deal with her being the only girl. You may start spoiling her too!

ok on the one hand, you are simply looking out for ALL your kids and wanting them to be loved equally, that I get.. on the other, ok, you've now had the experience of MAJOR AWE and delight of having a child for the third time while your husband is now experiencing it for his first time.. Therefore, I don't know that the problem is necessarily that of your boys in as much as I think it might be yours... by that I mean... again, you experienced that in love feeling for your two boys, now you know exactly what your husband feels for the little girl.. perhaps it bugs you more than your boys because you know right now, you also take the backseat... I think it's important to let your husband feel as he does... also, isn't it a little too soon to be thinking such drastic thoughts about "leaving your husband" (even if they are just thoughts) this because he doesn't feel the way you want him to feel.. Truly and again, I know you love ALL three kids, but sounds to me like you are being the insecure one here. it's easy to say all this is for the kid's sake. but obviously it raises a nerve in you....... I do wonder if you feel rejection for your boys or more for you. it's worth considering. right now, the boys will follow your lead......

I wish you the best..

I think you should not worry about it so much. Since he feels bad about it I think he will do the right thing. The right thing is to not show any favoritism as they are all growing up and to still spend equal quality time with the boys. You can help him to remember to do this. He does love your boys but right now he is in euphoria over his first biological child. It is such an awesome event! I give him credit for telling you his feelings. Just keep talking with him about it over the years and make sure he gives the boys equal amounts of love as he gives your daughter.

Of course you can't leave your husband over this.

You should never have forced him to be so specific. Allow him to have his feelings. She is his bio. child, AND he had her from birth, AND she's a girl, and some men have a stronger feeling for little girls.

He sounds like a good guy, so talk to him and say, please, please, make CERTAIN you treat them all the exact same way, so the boys never feel second class. And since he is a good guy, he will probably agree to do that. Then if you ever see any huge discrepancies in how he treats them, you can give him a gentle reminder.

The nice thing is that she is a girl. I think it would be harder for the boys if it were another boy, and he treated HIM differently.

well first of all, i can totally understand his feelings. i mean i only have one child, a girl, but i have two nephews, and let me tell you. i used to want boys before my nephews. now i only want girls.not that i dont love my nephews to death but its different with your OWN babies. its very obvious that he loves your boys, no doubt. but they arent "his" and this little girl IS. not to mention that girls seem to have this charm that little boys dont. you hear all about "daddys girls", i dont recall hearing about "daddys boys" unless someone is refering to some kind of sports team. little girls have daddy wrapped around thier finger in a way that little boys just cant.

its only been a couple weeks!!! hes still in awe over that little muffin and just cant get enough of her!! i remember having my daughter, i couldnt stop staring at her for weeks. i didnt want anyone else to hold her. if i was away from her for longer than 20 minutes i would get anxious and all i could think about was getting that dumpling back in my arms.
it might be tough for your boys seeing daddy dote all over this new baby girl, but try and think what HE is going through. also....not trying to be rude or anything, but hes not the boys' dad. step dad, and even little boys know the difference. and it seems to me that you are more upset about his infatuation than your sons are.
She is HIS daughter, and that will always make her a little extra special to him than your sons. He wasnt there through your pregnancy with them, he didnt get to see them as babies and hold them in his arms and take care of them.
dont leave him over this. be thankful! my husband wasnt anywhere near this interested in our daughter as your husband is. Your boys are going to be fine, they already have 2 dads now. dont take your daughter away from the only dad she has and especially one that loves her so much and will give her what she needs as a little girl. girls need thier daddies. dont ruin that because of something completely natural.
i promise if you leave him over this....it will make everything much much worse. do your self a favor, and just let it go.

I am the first born for my mother, but my father's second child. I have a half sister.

Growing up I felt I was treated differently only because I was 9 years younger then my sister. Our biology never felt like an issue for me. I think it might have been for my sister. I think at times she felt as if I was treated differently because I was mom's and she wasn't, but I also think it was mostly in her own mind because she was older and could think of those things, especially when she got into trouble. "Mommy loves her more, I always get blamed for everything." Regardless of the fact that I was so much younger so different rules applied. She was wearing make-up when I was just learning to tie my shoes. I hope that makes sense.

These thoughts might accrue to your boys from time to time. These thought happen with my younger brother (younger by 4 years, same mom and dad) "He get's everything, I get blamed cause he's the baby." Just make sure your husband sticks to sharing his time with them.

My mother did confess to me now that my sister and I are adults, that there will always be a special bond between her and I. It really can't be helped because of the simple fact that I was ones a part of her while my sister wasn't. She doesn't love my sister any less, just a little differently.

I think this is the same for your husband and I think the "do anything" for your daughter versus the "do almost anything" for the boys might also stem from the fact that your little girl is so helpless now, your boys aren't. Plus they are boys, men usually have a very different bond with their daughters then their sons. A sad double standard but it happens.

I hope this made sense. Keep talking to him, keep him sharing, gently request baby time so he has to go to the boys.

Good luck!

I wouldn't over think this too much. If he's a great dad to your sons, then try not to fret over what might happen in the future. Right now he is overwhelmed with emotions and great love for his daughter and I wouldn't take that away from him.

I wasn't able to have my own children for many years so I was totally in love with my sister's twin boys. For 9 years they were a huge part of my life, but when my DD came I had no idea how much I could love a child. I would say without a doubt I love her more than my nephews, but that doesn't mean I don't love my nephews. Your husband sounds like the kind of man who will continue to be a great father to all of your children. Don't borrow trouble where there's not any.

I think he's being honest about something that's perfectly natural. Do you remember how intensely you felt when you first had a child? That's what he'd feeling right now. I think there would be something wrong with him if he DIDN'T feel that way.

She's a bran new baby, she's a girl and you're very hormonal. Back up a few steps and take a deep breath. He loves your boys, he has said so and he always will. That's all.

My DH and I have a boy and a girl. While I love them both I feel a little more strongly about my son, and I th ink my CH would say he feel a little more strongly about our daughter. I think that's natural too. I love both of my children equally - but differently. If that's how we feel with biological offspring I think we have to expect a difference in this situation.

Wait until your DD grows up a little and gets cranky and hormonal (and it happens way before they hit puberty....) his love will be tempered by reality.

Whatever you do, do not resent your DD - she has no options in any of this and she'll adore her big brothers.

Give it time and see how it plays out. My situation is similar. My DH loved my kids from first marriage "like his own" our third is adopted but this is the one he has had known since a tiny baby, the one he took time out of work to be a SAHD. Yes, the bond is deeper. It didnt make him a bad father to my first children. If he is a good Dad to your boys you have no reason to break up the family. I feel I am a much better mother to my third child because I am in my forties not my twenties and have learned and matured and have more experience. I feel sorry I wasnt the best mom ever withall my kids. It doesn't mean my first two would have been better off without me. Wait and see, if he treats your boys unfairly you may have things to think about and counseling could help.

You're feelings are justified, but I caution that you do not jump to conclusions. After all, this man has just met his first baby, flesh and blood. It's natural that he feels a special bond with her and that should be expected. The baby is also just 2 1/2 weeks old, so it's still very new and exciting for him.

Regarding whether he can still be a good father in the future, I suggest that if he was a good father two weeks ago then he will be a good father in the future. If he loves you and his family, then he will pull through.