My Eight Year Old Daughter!

Hi,

I would have to disagree with most of the mainstream advice posted that this is 'just a stage.' When did disrespectfulness become acceptable at any age? I would suggest maybe reading "Sheparding a Child's Heart. It gives simple practical advice for dealing with the core of her behavior rather than only addressing the actions. It really is worth reading. I wish you all the best!

You are right. All children act that way and somewhere around that age range too. Unfortunately, you have to show them who has the authortity in the house. Tough love is what she is going to need. It takes a while, but they do get the idea after a few times of being diciplined for their actions. But then you have to stay consisten with it. Then when she behaves award her for it. When she doesnt, take something that is her most favorite away til she earns it back with good behavior. Good Luck.

I know how you feel. My 11 year old son use to be the same way. I found the only way that worked for me was taking what he loved the most. I took his controllers but left his playstation, i took 1 wheel off his skateboard and bike, No tv time, and when he yelled I walked off and didnt try to help him anymore. He eventually came to me for help. The situation with your husband being gone right now has got to be hard for you all. Maybe you should try to sit down and explain that you know this is hard for her but its harder on you. She misses her daddy and thats understandable, but you miss your husband, your best friend, your partner and the man you love most in life the only person that can help you with your kids. Maybe she will understand when she sees you have lost much more and you need her as much as she needs you. good luck

I'm sure part of it is her Daddy being away, but knowing that shouldn't let you allow her to treat you with disrespect. Let her know you are there for her emotionally and to help with homework, but that you will not be treated that way. If school work is really a problem, talk to the teacher about how she is doing and the best ways to help. Mine is only in kindergarten and already nothing I do is right (as far as helping with school type stuff) so I can imagine how frustrating that is! There also may be a counselor/social worker at school that maybe you and/or your daughter can talk to.

Hey J., I am going thru the same thing as you are, my husband has been deployed for a year and a half, back and forth. My youngest daughter is a big daddy's girl and has been rebelling quite a bit. My daughter does the same thing and tells me that she wants her daddy but not me. I have found that if I take her and do things, just the two of us, it has really helped. Also, when she starts throwing her fit, I have started to whisper to her where she has to be quiet to hear me. If I find myself getting upset because of the way she is acting I just have to leave the room for 10 minutes come back and usually she is done with her fit. I hope this helps some.

It could be just a phases she is going thru and she misses her dad. Maybe she can talk to a counsoler at her school.

Hi, J.. I had a similar problem with my son doing his homework. One thing that really helped us was for me to just give hime some space to work on his own. It turns out I was trying to help him more than he actually needed. However, there were still some times when he just didn't want to do his homework, or wouldn't do his best. Instead of fighting with him about it, (after giving him PLENTY of opportunity to do it right) I would take the homework away and tell him that he had to go to school with it incomplete and deal with the consequences from his teacher. I only had to do this once, and things have gotten much better. I'm sure a lot of what is going on with your daughter probably has to do with her dad being gone. My heart goes out to you and your family in this time. Please know how much we appreciate not only your husband for being a soldier, but also you, for supporting him. God bless you and your family!

This is sooo familiar. I hate to tell you, but it won't get better when she becomes a teenager either. Keep in mind that you are reacting to her behavior and she is getting something out of it. If it weren't beneficial to her, she wouldn't be doing it. She is obviously frustrated with the homework and frustrated because she has to sit still to do it. She may have an attention deficit problem which you may want to have her tested for. However, that may not be the problem. Keep in mind she may be frustrated in general...with school, with the fact that her daddy is not there for her, with anything and everything, and she is venting her anger out on you...the person she is closest to. That is normal. Encourage her to express her feelings. When she starts acting out, ask her calmly if she needs to take a five minute break and then resume homework at a better time. Spend time with her during the break if she wants...go for a quick walk, let her take a bubble bath and talk with her about stuff (anything but homework), and get to understand how she really feels about what's going on. Don't give in to a tantrum by babying her. If a break doesn't help, you may need to ask her to take a real time out and come back when she has settled down (don't reward the behavior with TV, etc.). If you've tried everything and she still won't work with you on homework, get her a tutor (this could even be a middle school or high school girl that she looks up to). Good luck!

If it were me(that's the only advise i can give you..what i would do)when she started acting that way i would calmly say that your not going to respond in anyway to her when she acts like that. Then get up and walk away from her. Let her do all the yelling she wants...in her room with the door closed. Let her know when she's done she can come to you.But don't sit there and let her talk to you like that and just take it. Ignore her when she rants and eventually she should stop. She most likely does it so often b/c she sees what it does to you and she wants to get a reaction out of you. Think of a 2yo throwing a tantrum. You ignore them right? Well try that. I've also found with my 9yo simply looking at him and saying "i'm sorry you feel that way" does alot. Say only that...nothing more. That lets her know you care but your not gonna engage in the fight. Best of luck to you

Hey J.. Let her know that she will not tell you she hates you because she has to live with you. Quit helping her with her homework. Tell her that your not doing it right so figure it out on her own. Eventually she will start asking you to help again. When she does refuse to if she can't ask you nice and listen to you. Good luck

My advice to you would be to not compare her with your other daughters, and you need to find out what she likes, and make time with her to do what she likes. Secondly, if you are not giving her any discipline,that is part of the problem as well.
Children will only do what you allow them to do. So you need to take control, and let her know who the parent is. She in return will respect you for taking authority. A child knows their limits, but you have to be the one that enforces the rules, and be consistent with them. Missing her father may contribute to her behavior as well, but that's no excuse for her behavior.
I hope this will be helpful to you.

Oh girlfriend! Your situation is a hard one with 2 other girls and a husband gone. I swear, it sounds like we have the same kid!!!! Mine is 10. From what I am getting it is a mean thing called, HORMONES. Mine told me today she hated me and I was mean. I had spent forever trying to help her get ready to go out for dinner for MY birthday. I ended up having to tell her I had to go and get ready. I had 15 min. to try and look okay to go out and eat. I had given her all of my time and it still wasn't good enough.

My only hope is that maybe when they start their cycle, it might get better. Who knows! I feel your pain and trust me somedays I feel awful and just want to cry.

God Bless your hubby, he is a brave man. You are an awesome woman to take on that kind of pressure in itself. You are a good mom, I am sure. Give yourself credit. Try and get a break from the kids if that is at all possible.

I'll be praying for you and the girls and of course that brave man of yours. Tell him a mom in TN. thanks him!

K.

Hi J.,
I can feel both your daughters and your pain. I was a military brat. I too had 2 other sisters. It was hard to share my parents with them. My dad was gone anywhere from 6 to 9 months at a time. I remember missing him deeply. It helped me to have other men in my life such as my uncle and grandpa. It isn't the same of course but it definately helps. It was hard when he came home because he wanted to jump right back into being a dad with the discipline and all and my Mom had been both parents and it was not always an easy transition. I too have an 8 year old daughter who is attempting to spread her little independent wings. When she gets mouthy with me I always come back with "How would you feel if I or someone you cared about spoke to you that way"? I also warn her when she starts with the look that she should think before she speaks because it is going to result in consequences. I also ground her or take something away. It has curbed a lot of her attitude. I applaud you for taking on the role of Military Wife. You deserve a medal too.
Good luck.........

J.
Bless your heart...I am going thru the same thing with my son who will be 8 at Christmas...I think it is a power struggle...he wants all the attention and doesn't like it when I have to help sister10 and give attention to brother3...just tonight he ran away to grandmas..he tells me that no one loves him and everyone thinks he is stupid...this is what I have to do
1) I tell him we are going to take a small break from homework..we go into my room and I ask him if there is anything that is happening that is making him so upset...we talk for about 15-20 minutes
2) I tell him that no matter what anyone elses tells him that he can always know that I love him and that I think that he is smart, sometimes he just needs to slow down and think about what he is doing.
3) I ask him if he needs to talk about anything else
4) we both calm down and go have milkshakes as we finish homework
5) if all else fails he runs away to grandma for about 1 hour.
don't know if this helps or not
T.

I was eager to read this post as it seems YOU are ME, just a few years ahead. I have three girls too, ages 6,4, and 2 and my husband is also in the Army. I am trying very hard to get a good idea of what the next years will be like for them so I can be as prepared as possible. Thats to say, I read A LOT of books, lol.
From everything I have read, your daughters actions are very common for her age. 8 years old is classified as the beginning of the "Tween" years and your daughter is not only venturing towards more independency, and going through emotional/developmental changes, but on top of that I am sure she is missing her daddy a lot, as you've said.
My advice, although not from experience, would be to 1) continue to be there for her, ask her questions, talk with her as much as possible, make sure she has no doubt that you are there for her and her sisters any time and that she can tell you anything... 2)respect her strive for independence BUT insist that she respect YOU. If it were my daughter I would make sure she understood I do not tolerate being yelled at, and while she might be upset with me, she needs to express her feelings respectfully. 3) Give her lots of hugs. :)
--You are doing a great job, J., and your love for your daughters is evident; its obvious you adore them. i hope you are taking time during this difficult deployment for yourself too. the more time passes the more i am learning that the job of a soldier's wife is often underestimated and nearly always thankless.

Hi J.!
I am so sorry to hear about this problem with your daughter, unfortunately we all have to go through this "stage"! I went through it when my boys were 6, only one time did they tell me they hated me, and right there in front of them, I broke down! That scared them to see me cry so hard. I have given up my life to raise these three on my own for the last 14 years and I told them I deserved better than that! It worked...they couldn't stand to see me cry (usually I do that in private). They kept apologizing to me, "We're sorry mom, we didn't mean it"..I knew they didn't mean it...but sometimes it calls for drastic measures. I explained to them that if they thought someone else would be better to them...that's where they should go live. "No, mom, NO".. I was only trying to do what I thought was best for them..I told them...if the choice I make is not the right choice...I will fix it...that is the last time they ever did that...You have to lay all the cards on the table and tell them what you go through everyday...be honest...and how it makes you feel being with out your husband and having to be mom and dad to them...cry...for some reason it makes the kids see...we are human too and our feelings can be hurt also...we just want to help...but I won't help you if you don't want me to..just let me know when you do need my help..ok? understand? you play the pitiful mom part...because lets face it...they are going to see one day...it is not as easy as it looks...Now...one way you can help her to not miss her dad...and this goes for you too...make you and her a myspace...she can communicate with her dad all she wants and it will be between her and her dad! You can set her myspace to private(you must do this) and no one will see it but you guys. I have done this with my boys and they communicate with all of their friends, my sister/husband, and my brothers and their kids (cousins)in other cities. We have a good time and we can stay close. I know your husband has access to a computer and this is a fun way for them to reach out to each other and it be between dad and daughter. If you need help getting started, contact me at ____@____.com I think your daughter will enjoy it and it will give you and her time to create the site and spend time together. She can make it anything she wants....a tribute to her dad...her friends...family...favorite things..just check it out at myspace.com but make sure to set it to private. On the days your husband gets on the computer he can send her notes, pictures, and comments that range from I miss you to I love you to funny ones. Try it..if it doesn't work for you...you got nothing else to lose but more sanity! lol Your friend, T.