My Farwell from This Board and My Breastfeeding Story

Thanks to all the mamas who have been supportive and helpful. I have to leave this board, its just not the place for me, i need a place where i don't feel condemned for my actions so i am off to find it........and for those that have condemned me, here is my breastfeeding story for you to read......maybe this will help you understand where i am coming from:

right after machi was born, they took him to the little alcove next to me to monitor his heartrate while i was being given lots of painkillers and being stitched shut. For the next hour i lay with my legs spread staring at this baby that was all mine wishing they would finish monitoring his heartrate and doing their little tests so i could hold him and meet him. Finally they bring him over and i am all tears. here is this precious little baby that had been inside me and although it took a long and horrible time to get him out, here was this 9lb 7oz litte one that was all mine.

eager to nurse i had the nurse help position him and watched in amazement as he eagerly sucked. it was so beautiful. once in the mother baby unit of the hospital, my hubby, me and the newly born machi crammed into the little hospital bed and spent time together as a family. he was a great little nurser. a little too great. i was getting 15min breaks. after 2 days my nipples were cracked and bleeding, and he was still nursing for 30min intervals giving me 15min breaks. the nurses had been trying to give me a paci and i always refused. but after two days, i gave in, and i cried about it. but he was happy, still nursing eagerly and everyone assured me that it was best for both of us.

we went home and i always limited his paci use, it made me feel better. nursing was going great with the exception of one night when i freaked out that my milk wasn't coming in because he wouldnt latch. freaking out i called nicole in hysterics and she drove over and helped me get him to latch and showed me some positions that would be easy for newborns aside from the football hold.

i LOVED watching him nurse. there was nothing more beautiful to me than to see him laying next to me sucking away with his little eyelids fluttering and then shutting. i nursed him at the computer, i nursed him in the sling, i nursed him in the bed, i nursed him in the mall. i felt so attached and amazed that my body could provide all this nutrition for this little man.

machi then started spitting up and then throwing up. he would eat and then pull away and cry and then latch eagerly back on and do that until he cried himself to sleep. he stopped gaining wait as fast and started dropping percentiles. scared i brought him to see the pedi who told me to try to eliminate foods from my diet. i eliminated gassy veggies, dairy, soy, wheat, so many things and that still wasnt enough. finally we paired the elimination diet with reflux meds and wouldnt you know it, my little man started nursing more and spitting up less. finally things were looking up

at this point machi was a few weeks old, and i started to feel worse and worse. i was so tired i couldnt function, i had pains that kept me up at night, fevers, i felt so sick, but continued to nurse.

june: things got worse and i went to the er - they couldn't find anything wrong and i lay there in the er bed, nursing machi refusing to let them give me anything that meant i couldn't nurse.

july (specifics may be messed up my memory is very foggy): at this point i am having problems moving, sleeping, functioning. pain is unbearable, the only comfort i find is when machi is nursing. that makes me feel sane. i go back to the er, they pump me full of morphine and give me a pump and machi gets the only bottle of bm that i have stored. i try to leave the er with the breastmilk i have pumped (after they tell me i probably had a burst ovarian cyst) and they refuse to let me take it. I cry watching all that breastmilk go to waist. my friend nicole picks me up from the er and takes me to her place where she has been watching machi......i lay next to him on the couch and nurse and cuddle him and feel calm. shannon ships me much of her frozen breastmilk, i am so thankful for that. the next day machi starts going on a nursing strike. i start a nursing vacation but it is not going so well. i refuse to give him any bottles and my hubby has to feed him bottles of shannon/my breastmilk whenever he refuses to latch on. at this point he is nursing 60% of the time. i cry when he refuses to latch and pump out milk using my avent isis hand pump. my pain gets worse, i go to my ob who thinks i have appenticitus and go back to the er, again am pumped full of morphine. machi has his first bottle of formula since i have no more breastmilk stored up. i sob as john gives machi the bottles of formula that day. the er finds nothing wrong with me. the doctor comes in to discharge me while my hubby is feeding machi a bottle and i am crying, "we can't find anything wrong with you. maybe you should get on some antidepressants, talk to a psychologist. i think you have post partum depression and are sad about not being able to breastfeed. you're just tired." i am utterly shocked, i KNOW there is something wrong with me. then she says "there's nothing wrong with formula feeding, i was formula fed and look at me!" i leave the er sobbing and go home still in lots of pain to nurse my little man and sleep - its my 25th bday. two days later machi and i fall asleep nursing machi when i wake up my fever is higher and half of my face is paralyzed, my neck is in so much pain and i have a rash all over my body. petrified i call my husband and my friend sarah (a medical student). john rushed home and sarah, just off the plane from israel, comes straight over to my place. little was i to know this would be the last time i would see machi for a week. worried sarah drives me to her mother, a neurologist, who convinces me to go back to the er. i am so scared, i don't want to be told this is all in my head, i cannot take hearing that they find nothing wrong with me again. at the er they seperate me and machi "we don't want him to get sick" and immediately they start me on morphine. i can barely function, after many test, many meds, they tell me i have meningitis and that they are running test to find out what kind. john tells me sarah will be watching machi and i am placed in quarantine. i sob i miss my baby everything is a blur and i am alone in this hospital room pumped full of meds without a breastpump. the next day john brings me up my hand pump but the nurses keep me so sedated that i only remember to pump a few times a day. my handpump breaks and john brings me a used pis, but we dont have the tubing for it. determined not to dry up i start hand expressing my milk into a water jug. i know none of this milk can be saved, but atleast my supply wont go away. but i start having blood pressure issues and fainting spells, and go under dr's orders to not pump. i still hand express when i get the chance, which isnt often.

aug: finally i am told that i can do iv therapy at home, a picc line is placed into my arm, and i get a home nurse and a chance to breastfeed my son again. breastfeeding is difficult, machi doesn't eager feed anymore but will latch around 50% of the time when i try. i am incredibly weak and my mil comes down to take care of me. when i finally start to feel better, we decide to go to a yarn store. at the store i have an allergic reaction to my meds and one ambulance later am told to take lots of benadryl and that i will be getting a new prescription. 2 days later i am informed that the only other medicine i can take which i am not allergic to (i was allergic to almost all of them) is a medicine that i cannot breastfeed with. i am also told that i still cannot pump because my bp is still way to low. my heart sinks as i look at my little nursling nurse for the last time. i am inconsolable. as the nurse starts the iv that day and i watch my mil give machi a bottle i just feel like a failure. each subsequent feeding i watch tears my heart open even more. unable to hold machi and now unable to nurse i start to feel very distant from machi. i get envious of my hubby and mil who he now looks at adoringly when he sucks down a bottle. i start to hate myself. they try to get me to give him a bottle, but i refuse to, i can't because when this is over i will bf again.

sept: my mil leaves and i go to live with my parents so they can take care of me and machi. each time the nurse comes i hope to hear her say "your bp is good, go ahead and start pumping". my pump is all ready to go. mid september my picc line is removed and i am placed on oral versions of the drug i had been taking for the past 6wks. i hold my son for the first time since july 27th and i cry. i now go home and realize if i don't start feeding him bottles, he will starve. that day i sit behind him wearing gloves and my hubby's coat hoping he doesnt realize i am giving him a bottle of formula while i sit behind him sobbing. after a few days of this i breakdown and give him a bottle holding him close to me. i couldn't stand not being close to him while he eats.

oct: i start to feel better, not amazing but better, my bp improves and i am told i can start pumping again, i have absolutely no milk, nothing comes out. i continue to bottlefeed machi formula but my pump sits in a corner. i am horribly depressed. saddened i discover relactation and start reading up on it. i gather herbs, teas, the pump, but am too scared to try - i dont want to fail at it

nov: i feel like myself again. i start treating machi's bottlefeedings as special treasured time with mommy. i want to establish that intimacy, but its just not the same. i decide to relactate

dec: slowly but surely i go from nothing to a few drops. i am taking fenugreek, reglan, mother's milk tea, pumping every 2hrs, eating oatmeal, drinking loads of water and attempting to latch machi on everytime he eats. machi refuses to go anywhere near my boobs, he cries and pushes away from them. its like he thinks they are poison. each time he refuses i feel inadequate. i start powerpumping but still only get a few drops. frustrated i just try to hand express - i actually get spurts. i add in hand expressing after each pump session. i only get milk out when i hand express so i decide that instead of pumping i will just do it by hand.....after all thats what i did in the hospital. then machi starts crawling. i stop reglan because i am so tired all the time and find it harder to function now that machi is crawling, i also think i am pregnant, but thankfully my period comes.

jan: i desperately try to find the time to hand express, but its very difficult now that he is mobile, i am up to .75oz a day but get stuck there, i can't seem to make more although i try more herbs, teas, and tricks. i save every last drop of breastmilk and once i get to 2.5oz he gets it in a bottle. the first time i feed him a bottle of my breastmilk i feel so happy, finally he is getting my milk finally and even though it took me a week to get that he is finally getting some immunities from me. we go to the inlaws, i am kept busy and only get to hand express 2x's a day, but my supply is still at .75ozs so all is good. i have another pregnancy scare so i quit taking fenugreek as well, i get my period again (yay) and then we get back home on the 20th.

the evening of jan 21th: i get a whole .75 while expressing in the shower, i am so excited i decide to make sure i express into a bottle each day while in the shower

jan 22nd: i go to express and only get a few spurts.....i start to freak out and vow to start up reglan again once i can make sure i am expressing the necessary 6x's a day for it to work

today, jan 23rd: i hand express only a few drops. i want to cry, and eat a bowl of oatmeal. shannon offers to send me her sns - i am going to give that a try. i know if i can just get him to latch them maybe this will work.... i need to get motivated again, figure out how to find the time to express 6x's a day, start back on the relactation protocol - i need to do this. per shannon's advice i write up my breastfeeding story sobbing while my hubby looks at me "i wish this didn't tear you up so much, i wish you would just look at machi and see how healthy he is and realize you will get another chance with the next child....but then i am happy you care so much." i look at machi and start to cry even more. i am determined that this is not the end.

Feb 4: to date i am currently able to express .75oz a day.......i went from 0 to .25/day in around 1.5wks and from .25oz/day to .75oz/day........each day i see a little more and that in itself drives me to really stick to this......that and knowing that i am trying to do the best i can for my son.