My Five Year Old Depressed?

It might help if she got involved in an activity where she could shine and see how good she is at something, where the family could go watch her perform (an acting class, or some other activity where you know she excels and where there is some performance) as a family.
how she feels about herself now will set the tone for life. maybe even more special time like a really special outing just with parents where you actually get a babysitter to take her to a performance or activity that the others are too little for and then you get ice cream afterwards. It's hard to do with 2 others, but it's important.

I know you have a new baby but would it be possible to do something exclusive with your daughter, just you and her, for a whole day, not just an hour? It sounds like she's crying out for attention and lashing out when she doesn't get it. Take her shopping, get your nails done, go to lunch and a movie. Just have fun with her and do girly things together. Don't try and talk to her about her feelings unless she wants to, just let the day be about having fun. You might need the break as much as she does.

Mom,

This is fairly common, and the easiest and best solution is
she gets into bed at 830 and goes to sleep at 9pm.

Same goes for the 4 year old.

baby brother can also go down at either 730 or 8pm-- if dad looks after him he can go later, after the girls go down.

Sounds like the family is burnt out.

With school out make sure to ge plenty of rest and relaxation time.

2 activities per week, such as the park, or the pool.library.
ect..

2 just to bum around the house and do nothing.

sundays and saturdays are family days,

and ONe day to give the house a good cleaning,
the girls are old enough to help

Assign them chores and make the big one IN CHARGE
they can collect all the laundry, put the garbage out, set and clean off the table and load the dishwasher.

carry in the groceries, vaccum. and windex and dust.

pick up the toys, ect..

There is no reason they can't do these things,

----

When the school year starts, limit her to ONE activity such as swimming, or dance. Soccer whatever she likes,
the 4 year old should also be included, in this activity if possible.

Ask other moms to pick up your daughter while taking theirs.
offer gas money on alternate pick ups.

--------------------

don't spend an hour each day with your daughters.

Spend time together as a family, read them all a story,
clean together , cook together,

have the big one be in charge, and take care of the baby.

Offer her praise for listening well, caring for her siblings, before she does it,

Ask her if she thinks she can handle the job before handing it over to her,

and afterwards say I knew you could do it,

Help her feel like she is maturing and successful at it.

ask her to read to the baby an her sister,

ask her to set out the crayons and coloring books,

and get her a tutor for her homework.
this way your not fighting with her as much,

ask the school if they have a tutoring service, for free after school.

if not a teenager in the neighborhood.ages 13-16

if you can afford say 40 dollars per week, you could get the
teen to come and help clean up, and help with home work each day. monday-thursdays.

hope these suggestions help.

Good luck

M
Edit: Just read the others comments

listen if you realy think that she needs a THERAPIST BY ALL MEANS, however in my experience kids who hit themselves are acting out of frustration and a lack of feeling in control.

by providing her a much more structured schedule, not filled up to the brim with activities and life events ect.

you create and enviornment that is consistent, relaxing for everyone.

we are talking about a family that is going thru big changes,
a new baby, and starting school.

honestly if school makes her this upset perhaps you could try transferring her to a new school,
however there are mean girls in every school.

so its best just to teach her HOW to deal with it.

AND offer her a distraction. Like getting a her a friend.
someone who she can play with everyday at lunch time.

sure clothes are important, but some nice outfits from walmart or old navy should do the trick

If the HAIR is such a task get her a nice fresh summer cut.
with some cute hair clips. this way there is no stress for you or her.

MOM you have 3 children now. everything should be about making it easy for the family.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sleep/sleep.html

here is a link all about SLEEP, you would be surprised

Also here is a link about eating breakfast in the mornings.
http://kidshealth.org/kid/stay_healthy/food/breakfast.html

Good Luck

M

Do not claim depression for her sadness....
It will pass sooner...

Hi J.,

Take her to see someone, even if it's just her ped. for now. I agree with the other moms who pointed out that if you fear something is wrong, it probably is and should be attended to.

It may very well turn out to be "she's a girl", or "it's the new baby", or any one of a number of harmless causes. But it could be something a little deeper, and you are wise to be concerned. Thank goodness your daughter has an attentive mom who notices when she's "not herself".

I hope you get to the bottom of it and that your little girl starts to feel happier again soon.

Hello J. W,

Your little girl is seeking your attention in many ways. She is not depressed. Children have different ways in seeking their mothers attention. Try taking your children to the Library, there your little girl will become exposed to books and meet other little children which will spark her interest better.

Pray with your children always. God will direct you in all you do for your family and you will see that that your five year old daughter is not depressed.

A.

J.,

It looks like you've gotten some really great advice. I want to definitely second the idea of getting her some professional counseling.

The earliest memory I have is of being 4 or 5 and laying in bed asking God to please let me come home with Him rather than having to spend one more day here on earth because it was too hard to live here. I started cutting myself (in secret) about the same time and by the time I was 9 I was fully involved in a bulimic lifestyle. I am not saying that will be your daughter (and I hope beyond all hope it won't be!) but I wanted you to know that your daughter is not the first to go through this.

I am the youngest of 3 and no one ever told me it was okay to be my age. I was always trying to be my sister who was 6 years older and was insanely frustrated because my little self just wasn't capable yet. I graduated high school at 16 and completely fell apart once I got to college.

Help her find someone she can be honest with. There's a girl I've known since birth who just recently called me to tell me excitedly that she made honor roll. This girl has had a really rough ride when it comes to loving herself. She was cutting and smoking by 9, suicidal from 10 - 15, in PINS since she was 11, sexually active at 10 or 11, flunking out of school, and no matter how much people tried to help, tell her they love her, etc, she couldn't pull out of it.

Last year she finally met a good counselor. She has cleaned up her lifestyle, taken an interest in being alive, pulled herself out of the special ed classes and is now on the honor roll. Sometimes finding someone these kids can talk to, truly talk to and know mom and dad (grandma and grandpa etc) aren't going to be hurt by their honest feelings can help so much!

Okay, I didn't mean to write a book, but yes, get her someone to talk to and let that be between them. Don't ask her to share with you what she tells them. She'll tell you when she's ready.

Good luck mama~

Kate

Hi J., I don't know what your budget is but if you got rid of the presertives and food coloring and added fish oil-Nordic Naturals or Carlsons-you would see a major change in her behavior. The preservatives and additives in the food is wreaking havoc on children and adults. I am a certified Holisti Health Counselor who specializes in women and children's health.

J., I have three children please watch her. Whenever you can, say positive things to her and of course don't leave the other two out. Say things like, "oh, you're such a smart girl" "oh, you're so pretty today" and keep complimenting her and the other two so they don't feel that you're favoring one. Anyways, try talking to her about the other girls or talk with the teacher and see what the teacher can do during the day. Perhaps you can, as the mother, have the children write good and positive things about themselves, don't worry about the spelling or anything. Just the content. If they have trouble figuring out what they are, you help them. Say something like "you know you have a great way of telling stories" or "you are such a good sister helping so-so" or whatever. You know her. But I also feed into her about kids who do name calling aren't going to be good friends anyways. They don't feel so good about themselves so they hurt other kids to make themselves feel better. Also, tell her if she acts like it doesn't bother her anymore, that other girl may stop bothering her knowing it doesn't bother her anymore. Try to put yourself in her shoes and try to think from her age what you would want. I'm not saying it's easy, but start doing things like tht because this kind of thing develops into something not good when they get older. I will be praying for you and your children...your family. Okay and let us know what happened and e-mail me through this privately if you prefer and I'll reply as soon as I possibly can.

Hi J. W.

I know exactly what you are going through. I had the same thing happen with my son when he was in first grade. I am in the health field so I know how bad drugs are for little children with all of their negative side effects. Instead I started to search out natural remedies for my son. What I found out was that he was deficient in several key vitamins and minerals and that his lack of motivation and behavioral issues were commimg from that.

I eventually contacted a pharmacist who specializes in using vitamins and minerals to assist with behavioral disorders of all types with children. She travels the country educating medical doctors on how to diagnose and treat children naturally without using drugs. She is well known in the medical community as an expert in her field.

Her name is Pamela Seefeld and you can reach her at ###-###-####. You can get a free 1 hour phone conceltation.

I have referred Pamela to several friends and family members and I continue to receive rave reviews on how much she has been able to help and how quickly the results are.

With all of the news comming out about negative side effects and unexpected, often deadly, side effects of drugs I would never consider giving my children anything that was natural until I exhausted all other possibilities.

My son is now 10 years old and he is doing extreamly well, healthy and happy. I am so happy that chose to treat him with vitamins and nutritional supplements.

(((((HUGS))))) to you and your family; sounds like you have a lot going on!
I have a 5 year old as well, she is my stepdaughter, and is a fun, spirited, lively little girl...most of the time. She has a lot of issues with her relationship with her biological mother, and it was starting to take a toll on her. She'd cry frequently, become upset, and just not her usual self. I have decided that she may need a little extra help in dealing with her emotions right now so we got a referral to see a children's therapist.
I also have a friend who does counseling and she told me that if you notice behavior that seems to be ongoing (not just a once-in-awhile type of thing, or a "down in the dumps" day), you may want to think about a counselor; sometimes I think that parent-child relationships are tricky because of the love there, that it's hard for kids to be totally honest, and sometimes a neutral third party can help sort through the feelings. My husband and I were frequently asking our daughter what the problem was when she'd get so upset and she couldn't vocalize what it was. She has her first meeting with the counselor on July 1 so hopefully we get somewhere!
Summer may help as well. School can be kind of stressful for kids, even kindergarten. It's great that you spend an hour a day undivided with her, I'm sure that's challenging with 3 little ones! You may also want to examine her sleep schedule (my just-turned 5 year old still requires 11-12 hours of sleep a night, no daytime nap, if she's going to be in a good mood for the day...) just to make sure she's getting enough rest. Hopefully the break for summer will help!
I hope you're able to get your daughter the help she needs & enjoy your summer together.

We Mom's of older kids remember kindergarten and the early grades with memories of "ease" compared to teen years when in fact you're facing the moments many of our kids faced as they were figuring out where they fit it--whether it be with family or with friends. And it's hard because you want to help them along. It sounds like she may be struggling a little with both--new baby--a boy--perhaps thinking is she special anymore? Normal thoughts! Do people fuss over her sister's looks? And hers? (happens in my family...people forget the other child when fussing over one of them) She's also sorting out where she fits in. And with friends, too. She may need a short break but encourage her to have play dates over the summer and to join in activities. And it's scary to think about--but has she been with any sitter--family or otherwise--who may have influenced her negatively and she's withdrawing as a result of that interaction?

Hi--Just some thoughts. You sound like a caring mother. How is she doing in her schoolwork? Is the teacher aware of what she is going through--ssounds like there is some bullying going on--especially by that one child. She needs to learn how to manage that in an assertive way. Does she WANT to go to school?--that is an important sign. It can help perhaps if you validate what she is feeling---"You say you feel ugly, tell me why". Give her positive attention in any way that is true, when she is helping, etc. Try to focus in on any talents she might have. "You are a good artist, and tell her why you like the drawing". You can speak with the school social worker, or psychologist, and they can get involved in a positive way. Encourage her to have friends over to play with and try to arrange it (along with all the other things you have to do!!!--so she has her own things that are nice for her. There is also child social workers or psychologists under your Insurance also, --maybe she will have her own special time with them, to let out her feelings, and they can evaluate her for signs of depression, along with your pediatrican, or even a child psychiatrist, if necessary. It sounds like it really could be situations she is facing at school and she needs to learn coping skills and needs to be able to express her feelings. Good Luck.

Hi J., It sounds as if you are a devoted, caring mom. Your daughter is lucky to have such an attentive mom. That being said, you as her mom know her best and if you feel she is not herself or she is a little "off" your instincts are probably correct. If she is withdrawing from everyone & everything, it sounds like something is going on with her whether it is the changes at home with the baby, as my kids went thru that whenever a new one came along or the issues at school w/ the mean girl or a combination of both. Have you tried asking her what is making her so upset? If she is clamming up and not confiding in you I would definitely watch her over the summer & see if being out of school makes any difference, if not it is most likely the changes with the new baby. If she gets worse though I would speak to my pediatrician first, see what he suggests, don't be alarmed if suggests a child psychologist though, when my daugher went thru some hard times at school, this is what mine suggested, I took his advice (reluctantly) and it actually turned out to be the best thing for her, eight sessions and she was back to her old self. You are doing the right thing giving her a little extra attention, most of these things are a "test" w/kids, so you are definitely on the right track. Hang in there, I hope it resolves soon.

Teach her more about God and about His love for her and all His children. Tell her that God made her extra beautiful to blend in with the prettiest flowers of the earth. Tell her, if it had NOT been for her beauty, her sister and brother would not look as good as they do, because she was the beginning of your beautiful family and because of her beauty you wanted more children to look at. Point out to her all her features and tell her the special value of each one, her eyes, her special nose, her wavy hair and her small/large lips, her ears and that's why the other children tease her, because they want to look and be just like her. Keep her more encouraged in the gifts that God has given her. Show her children with handicaps, missing limbs and let her know that she is TRUELY BLESSED.

Hello J.~
I am a psychotherapist and do a great deal of work with children, adolescents and families. The answer to your question is yes, that young children can get depressed. Mostly they have adjustment issues which can have underlying depression or anxiety. In some children, not all, it could mean something else. I could not respond ethically regarding your child as that would not be appropriate in this forum. That is great that you are giving her own time. All children need and want that. If things don't change, you may want to consider an evaluation. I would first be sure nothing is physically wrong and get clearance through your pediatrician.

Best Wishes,

S.

Try the school for suggestions (the Board of Ed in the summer can help you out) and also call your pediatrician. A little outside help can be very beneficial for both of you! Good luck!

Hi J,

My daughter went thru something similar when she was five and began kindegarten. She thought she was the greatest, smartest, cutest kid in the world. A testament to my husband and I, but when kindergarten began, she began comparing herself. From the books I've read that's the ego in the child developing. Because of this in some cultures (like my hubands) they feel you should not tell children they are beautiful are the smartest kid in the world as they really believe it. I used the bible to help my daughter. She's has always gone to faith based schools. And depression in general is feeling you are on your own and separate from the world. Faith is suppose to teach that you have God and the Unversive own your side and no one does it alone and that everyone is special. Continue to disapline your daughter don't feel bad for her, because of the changes in the family and changes are no excuse for bad behavior. She sounds very smart, but you have to be smarter. Instead of yelling get two jars filled with marbles and if she does something good she gains a marble and if she does something bad she looses a marble. When she collects enough marbles she can do something special with you at her choice.

The second part is a mother's instinct. I hope nothing is happening to her that you're not aware of. Sometimes its hard for kids to communicate. Play a game with her like Candyland and ask her questions. Or take her to a park put her on a swing (without the rest of the kids) and question her. My daughter is eleven now and it still works - she spills everything. As for the girls in her class who are being mean -invite them over for a playdate. Get to know the moms. Don't judge the girls as like your daughter they could be having a hard time as well.

I think you're doing fine. Don't feel guilty. Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

Much love and support.
K

Yes- 5 year olds most definitely can be depressed. I'm a MH therapist and can tell you I've seen more stories than you care to hear.

As far as changes in her life- have those changes been present for more than 6- 12 months? If not, normal adjustment. If so, you may begin to consider that she has a harder time adjusting to life changes and that it would be great to strengthen her skills in this area. There are things you can do to set that off, and that might be enough. If not, then absolutely it would benefit to have someone else in there.

The biggest advice I can give you is that you have to teach her "feelings language," and you have to show her by your example how to open up and share feelings. Also, how to resolve conflicts with friends and manage peer relationships... hopefully You have enough solid friends in your life to do that. If not, work on that. Children learn best by example and they understand far more than what we give them credit for. We tend to "protect" (?!?) them from the authentic aspects of our lives but in doing so deny them the opportunity to learn from us. BUT this is all under the assumption that you can excersise sound judjment about appropriateness (you wouldn't want her knowing about truly sticky adult only type situations but she CAN hear about it when a friend hurts your feelings by something she did/didn't say and how you handled it).

Hope that helps??? -N.

Girls are really into clothes and how others look. Girls can be mean to one another. You say she will be 6 in Aug. She is on the young side. Have you thought about holding her back.. even if you do well in school... socially kids that are older do better with their peers. My daughter is Oct. baby.. so she is one of the oldest and a leader in the class. Think about when she gets older... like in 6th or 7th grade.. some kids are 12 or 13 and yours will only be 11.. she will be 12 at the beginning of the next year. Age really does make a difference. My daughter has 2 girls whose birthdays are Sept.. so they will be 9 and the next week my daughter is already 10. I see that they are struggling with some studies but also with fitting in with the kids that are older. Think about it... Being the youngest is not always the best.... Good luck.

Even though kids can go through phases like this, your instincts are probably correct. After all, don't we always say "Mom knows best"? You might consider getting her into counseling. Five is a bit young to try so hard to fit in.

Hi J.,
Your little girl might be depressed. You are right to be concerned, as she is making lots of troubling communications. Could be that the conflict at school is shaking up her confidence coupled with the changes at home, and perhaps a demanding school year. Where do you live? Manhattan? New Jersey? Outer boroughs? I am a psychologist and could refer you for an evaluation. In my experience (and I'm a mom of two), these things bear some looking into. She sounds like a lovely little girl who needs some intervention that is best from an objective third party. Good luck (my son is quite sensitive and has benefitted greatly from some therapy).

**Edited Response: Gosh, after viewing some of the advice, I feel compelled to say that you should be leery of the some of the very strong language and assumptions offered in these postings. I felt a bit disturbed by the liberties some posters took, and felt some of the advice was downright bizarre. Try to sift thru this advice and take the more pragmatic, common sense approach. I hope this helps.

I also have a 5 yr old daughter. She will be 6 in October. She is in Kindergarten this this year. I take her to therapy it has been very good for her. The therapist has to taught me different ways to help her through this. We have been through alot too. Divorce and her father does not really except her, nor does his new girlfriend. I am a mother of 6 children, Therapy is the way to go. But a hint make sure your daughter likes the therapist. I also have my 11 yr old son in therapy. From the divorce he was having suidcidal thoughts and alot of anger issues. They both have come a long ways and both are great kids. There are alot of children going to therapy now. And depression if children is a fact. It is happening. I hope this advice works for you. Don't hesitate I did with my older girls and they had several suicide attempts. I learned my lesson and got the youngest two in early. Good Luck!

Hi J.,

You have seen the signs very early take her to see someone, it sounds like it is only going to get worst. She may need some counseling very soon before its to late. My daughter did the same thing when we bought my son home. We gave her extra attention and always tell her how important she is to us. How beautiful she is and how lucky we are. We make her help around with everything so she feels part of our home. But you sound like you have it much harder. Good Luck! Get her counseling if you can, she may need someone else to talk to. Sometimes it help. Good Luck! :)

Hi J.
I have a four year old and we were watching "Little Bill" the other day. The message was so cute. It was about name calling and bullying even at that age and little Bill's dad told him that if anyone says anything mean to him he should just simply say "SO". It diffuses the importance of the bullying. All the kids laughed and the bully stopped having anything to say. Finally they ended up all playing together. I know it's a show(on Noggin by the way) and they tend to have happy endings but I've seen this work in real life. That's why it struck a cord with me. You sound like a really in touch Mom. I would just say it's a phase and maybe try and have the whole family get in on an experiment of everyone complimenting your little girl here and there whenever they can. The more positive you are the better she will get through the phase. The one thing I've learned is that no matter what you want to tell or teach your kids they watch how you behave. that is the best teacher...if you stay positive and show her that you have a good self image then no matter what she is going through she will learn by watching you and that is powerful. Yelling doesn't work...just remember...the way you react is teaching your kids how to react. Also the way you and your family treat each other is a big teacher. Fights are okay and healthy as long as they are not verbally or physically abusive...the trick is you want the kids to see the resolution...the makeup discussion and hug and or kiss. I think it's a phase and she'll be fine...the more you give her a secure and positive environment she'll learn self esteem.
I hope this is helpful...that's my two cents.
Good Luck!
S. S

Hi J., I can understand your concern. Each child is different and will deal with changes in their own way. I have seen depression in one of my sons. Although I have been a mother for 42 yers I think this is something you need a professional for. I see that you have tried everything and your are a good mother. I'm sure you have asked her why she is so sad and maybe she does not know. The behaviors you describe are surely geared to get attention. I will pray that you get to the root of this and help her to get back to her lovely self soon. My best, Grandma Mary (mother of 5)

Hi J.:

I think that it could be a lot of things, including being burnt out from a long year, frustration about not fitting in with that girl in school and of course not being the center of attention with a younger sister and new brother. On top of this it is now summer and her routine has changed once again.

My 5 y/o girl has bouts of 'I can't do anything right' as well. Part of it is the age, they are being exposed to so much in school acedemically and socially and when they can not grasp everything easily it is frustrating. Last week we stumbled upon a great book at the library "The Magic Locket", it is a cute story about a girl that 'can't do anything right' and how she finds a little bit of help and a lot of self worth. Reading it together could open up some conversation. In the mean time talk to her pediatrician, they can be a wealth of information and help ease your mind.
I know it is hard to juggle quality time, nap time and feeding schedules(mom of b-9, g-5 and b/g toddler twins here)but it seems like you are reading the signs and trying to work it out with her. Sometimes an unexpected hug or a special dessert even when the day has been awefull can boost everyones mood.

God luck and hang in there!

M. K

Yeah, I tend to think you are dealing with a case of depression, and low self esteem... Sounds like that bully in her class has gotten to her. Not to mention the end of the school year and a new brother taking attention away from her...

Thinking back to my sister's childhood: She was the oldist of 3 children...with each baby brought into the house, she had probably felt me and my brother were taking her place as she watched my parents attention getting shifted to us as she got less....by the time she was 9 or 10 she was totally convinced she was adopted. Not having a clue about her feeling this way, for her next B-day, my parents bought her a Little Orphan Annie watch which was popular back then....My sister opened the box and cried, running off to her room. When she tells the story now, she jokes and laughs about it but I'm sure at the time it must have been a horror for her. Anyway, as we grew up and still as adults although my sister will tell me that she loves me, her actions towards me is never without resentment. Childhood respentments she's never came to terms with. Besides me I watched this resentment flow over onto her in laws as well. She's not even awear of it, but I can tell you stories that would make your hair stand up on end...

I suggest that you spend more quality time with this child. Let her know she's important, loved and how pretty and special she is. Not only with words but with actions. When you are giving the other children attention, make sure she is a big part of it.

Ask her to help you around the house but do the chore with her always letting her know what a big help she is. Get a sitter to stay with the other children and spend some special time with her away from the house....a movie, a picnic, roller skating,...some activity she might enjoy with you...

Not only do fun things with her but try to get her to express her sad feelings when you see a sad expression on her face....listen, give her hugs, tell her how sorry you are that she's feeling this way.

Healing always takes time but if things do not improve, I would take her to a child therapist.

Your daughter needs some undivided attention. Your hour a day during nap time is not enough. She see that as you having nothing better to do while it's nap time. See if you can get someone to watch the other 2 for at least 3 hours and take your daughter out somewhere, a movie, shopping, to get her hair done with you. Do something together, make it special just for her. She needs to feel like she's just as important to you as the others.