My Four Year Old Son

A GREAT book for you is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". It has lots of ideas. It's easy to read, has summary pages and also cartoons. It will really help.

Have you tried doing something else instead of telling him? Asking him what to do, asking for his help, giving choices, pretending to do it wrong so he can show you how to do it right, whispering ... There's a lot of variety for how you can say something.

I would stop the spanking that will only teach him that hitting is ok and you dont want that. Try timeout and stick to it, pick a spot and start a timer for 4 minutes, time doesnt start until he sits down. Also a sticker chart for good behavior days might help. You might want to take a look at this diet if you think he is hyper and adjust his sugar intake accordingly. Hang in there mama it will get better.

Well- he sounds FOUR. I think it might be good if you just take a step back and look at what you wrote. The way you've been trying to deal with this is: yelling at him and spanking him and it is NOT working.

So- what can you do that is different from what is NOT working?

Four year olds ARE hyper. They have a lot of energy and almost no self control., Their small bodies and minds are still learning how to control themselves. I am not saying you shouldn't correct him- but you are not being very specific about what he is doing or what situations this comes up in.

Is he in preschool? Talk to his teacher about how he acts there and how it gets addressed at school. The more consistency there is in how he is treated, the more your son will absorb how to behave- but it is super important to handle a situation THE SAME WAY every single time it comes up- no matter if you are home or at the grocery store, etc.

Is he acting hyper or throwing tantrums? Just being hyper might mean he needs more time playing actively and wearing himself out. is he getting regular healthy snacks and a 'rest time' in the afternoon? Four year olds don't want to nap, but a half an hour of quiet time with mommy snuggling and reading a book might do a lot to calm him down and let him 'reset' his focus.

Be PATIENT. You are the grownup. The toddler or preschooler wins when they make YOU act like a child and lose your cool. Don't let that happen. Take a step back, take a deep breath, count to five, whatever you have to do to calm down and reapproach the problem in a new way. Good luck!

Yelling can make children hyper. It gets them all excited. Spanking after a while just does not have that "shock" factor anymore. It does not mean anything.

As a 4 year old his behavior still falls in the "normal range".. Children this age need a LOT of exersice.. Make sure he gets to run around for at least an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon.. Swinging, running, peddling, jumping, climbing.. They just have to release all of that..

You have to learn to deal and speak with a 4 year old. You cannot just make a child stop on a dime and have them do something else. They need a few moments to finish their activity and then transition to another project.. It is like me walking into your kitchen while you are cooking and saying. Ok come on right now, I need you to go outside and mow the lawn.. You are not going to be able to just stop.. Playing for a child is their work..

Learn to say to him. "Listen to my words." Make sure he is looking at you. If you are not sure he understood, ask him. "Did you hear what I said?" Or have him repeat what you just said.

" I am going to give you 2 more minutes to play and then you need to put all of the toys back on the shelf." Then leave and see if he can do it.. Then after 2 minutes, let him know. "Thank you for putting away your toys" (get a timer if you need to)

"Please get your jacket and pick out a snack for the store. We do not buy snacks there." "We will be leaving for the store in 5 minutes."

Then once he is ready tell him. "Thank you for being ready on time."

While in the car go over the rules of behavior in the store. And have him help you remember what is on your list. "Remember, inside voices while we are in the store." "we do not run in the store." "Here is what I need your help with. Please help me remember to buy.. milk, dog food, sticky notes.." This way he has a job to do while there.. Congratulate him when he helps or remembers. Ask him? "What side of the store should we start on? Left or right?"

When he acts "hyper" ask him to sit down a moment and calm himself down. ask him if he wants a hug. Sometimes speaking in a stern slow quiet voice can be just as powerful as a yell, a scream or a swat.

I am sending you strength.

About this age my son starting displaying symptoms of ADHD. Of course he was an active boy with typical restlessness and short attention span. But he did have a real reason for his difficulty in listening to me if my directions were more than one step or my sentences were long. Usually I would have to get my face very close to his (which often meant getting down to the level of his little face). Other times I'd turn his face gently to me. If he was across the room I'd have to say "Bobby, look at me, look at me, I need to tell you something" I learned only to speak to him when he was looking at me - eye to eye. If he was looking at something else it was as if I hadn't said a word to him - as if he couldn't hear what I was saying. If I was giving him instructions I'd have to break it down in to steps. Instead of "clean your room" I'd have to say, "first - put your books on the shelf", when that was done I'd say, "put your legos in the blue bin", etc.

Still - there were times that he'd look at me as if I was speaking in a foreign language. I later found out that he has a language based learning disability - and he didn't process words the way most people do. There are times, to this day at his age 11, that I would swear his brain is processing / translating my words to be understandable to him. Sometimes there's this delay betweeen the time I say something and the time I see the lightbulb go off over his head. However, he's had great services at school and missed honor roll this semseter, his first at middle school, by less than a point.

I don't know if this is the situation with your son - it could be that he's learned what works for him - kids are amazingly intuititive in figuring out how to work around whatever we give them. You have to stop the yelling - it's so hard - yelling is my dafault mode!!! I heard a radio show last week with a speaker named Dr. Kevin Leman - he's written a number of books. He says we talk too much to our kids and need to act more. Kids understand actions more quickly than words. I could have used this information 10 years ago - but it's NEVER too late. I'm going to buy a couple of his books and work on it!

J.,
It is hard to really assess the situation with such little to go on. But, from what you said, it sounds like you are reactionary parenting. Stop yelling. It is futile in raising children. You need to be proactive in raising your son. Have a purpose and a plan. It is not easy. It takes work. You have to give instructions, get up from your chair when he disobeys, and discipline quickly and consistently (with patience and kindness). If you are all over the place in these areas, he will be, too. He is only learning from what he sees.

I would try other techniques than yelling and spanking. Really, what does that do? Makes for a loud, unwelcoming home and a kid that fears you (and that isn't happening for you). Do some research and find something else. You really need to try to take the "emotion" out of your part of the equation. Make it factual. Four is hard. But I doubt he deserves to be spanked.

There is a book called "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman... which has good applicable non-derogatory non-complicated practical tips.
Amazon has it or even E-bay.
I have it.

At this age, it can be applied to a child.

My son is now 4... and he has times like that too.
He was SO good at 1, 2, and 3 years old. No problems, but now at 4 years old... all those so called "Terrible 2's" has come out at him being 4.
But still, it is not an everyday behavior of his.

I use, the tips from the book I mentioned... as well as just being consistent... and using positive reinforcement. But I never 'bribe' him into the behavior I want.

My son also responds well, to when I say "Let's do TEAM-WORK..." and then he cooperates. For whatever 'we' are doing at the time or what I want him to do.

Not an easy age....

Also teach you son HOW to communicate and how to know his feelings. I taught my son that from 2 years old.... and now he can even say "I want to be alone..." or, "I don't need help...." , or "I want to do this myself..." type of thing, and its okay. He is expressing his boundaries and his 'feelings' well... so then I respect that etc.

IF my son does not want to do something... it is sometimes ALSO because he needs to 'transition' to the next activity, first. So I will then tell him "AFTER you play with your car.... you need to help Mommy, get ready. We have to leave in 15 minutes...." kind of thing. That way, it is not so 'abrupt' and then BOTH of us... gets what we want. My giving him a VERBAL "head's-up" about what is coming up and what is expected... is therefore, 'cuing' him.... about it. AHEAD of time. A forewarning.

Yelling, does not help.

Sometimes also, I use myself as a punishment. Meaning, if my son is on purpose dissing me... I tell him... MOMMY will NOT cooperate with him and I will leave. THEN when he feels better... he can call me and apologize... then I will be there for him. That it is NOT acceptable... that he yell or act disrespectful.... we are FAMILY. etc.

all the best,
Susan

Do you really need to be told that yelling is extremely unhealthy for your whole family? Spanking is debatable, but unnecessary.

I now regret every single time I ever allowed myself to yell at my four year old. When your son is 21, you realize that 4 years old was still a BABY. Is it possible you are expecting too much? You don't say what it is you are telling him to do, but it is very COMMON for 4 year old boys not to listen or comply, and it doesn't mean he has ADHD.

Try some of the books and Dr. Sears advice that was suggested. I agree with one post that suggests that the yelling is causing his hyper behavior.

Try whispering angrily, if you can't control your yelling. Yelling is damaging and destroys the harmony of your home.

I have had the same problems with my 4 yr old son. Two months ago we signed him up for Karate this one teaches good behavior, respect and obey parents, gives kids chance to get a lot of energy out, make friends, and get exercise. He seems to have improved a bit. I find that his behavior is the worst when he is sleep deprived or has eaten "junk" food. Let me know if u find anything that works! Good luck I feel your pain!

Time out. My son hates it worse than a spanking, and a spanking is over quick, so he would definitely choose that if he had to. We put him on the stairs for 4 minutes.If he gets up, we put him back down and start the 4 minutes over again. This can go on for a while, so be strong. He will eventually do his time.

Take care.

Dr. Sears, a child expert addresses all of this:

how to handle your anger and not yell:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp

why spanking isn't working):
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp

discipline:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Take everything away from him and have him earn his toys, clothes and priviledges back by complying with requests. Stop yelling... he's not listeing, but is getting a rise out of you. Spanking is quick and really doesn't get the point across. No t.v., no toys, no games... that might make it a little clearer that he needs to be a member of the family to access the "family things".

Awww, if he laughs it's because he's nervous. He might be scared when you yell, and then the spanking. I am not judging you at all! Sometimes that's all that works for certain behaviors. This sounds very much like my daughter. Remember he is learning, and many new things happen everyday. We as parents, don't think like our children at times. We assume they understand what we want them to do, but it is not always the case. Have you tried time outs? or even walking away from him? Sorry I don't offer much help because I go through the same thing with my 4 yo daughter, and I know it's HARD!!! HUGS!

Sounds kinda like a summery I could easily give of my son ... I would bring this up to the pedi, there may be something more there may not be. My son has a number of little things blanketed under ADHD now that we know it gets easier to handle.

O man...that sounds hard to handle but despite how frustrated you will get with him try your best to patient with him and try to use more positive language than negative when telling him what to do...I want to suggest this link for you that may have some disciplining ideas that you may not have tried yet and hopefully helps out your situation. Good luck!

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/discipline?utm_campa...

Try working with him instead of against him and setting him up for success instead of failure. If you want him to do something - try doing it together or make it a game. If you think he won't listen, go over to him, touch his arm and make eye contact - then talk to him. Hitting him teaches him it is ok to hit. It would help a lot if you could give specific examples when he doesn't want to listen. Time outs might work for some people but there are lots of other options.
D.