My Friend's Son - Red River,NM

He has anxiety because he is responsible for all decisions and their outcomes. That must be SO overwhelming for a three year old. Continue to be loving and model positive parenting techniques. When he is with you have clear cut expectations and stick to them.

I don't normally suggest preschool but a mothers day out or something similar might be very helpful all around. Teachers could make gentle suggestions that may be better received than if they came from a friend.

I know you say that this boy isn't autistic, but he may very well be on the spectrum.

I think that you can't handle this kid, and that you should not feel guilty about it. Obviously, his parents can barely handle him.

If I told my husband about the exhausting day I had watching someone else's kid, he would probably want to slap my forehead. You don't have to help your friend if it is causing you such hardship and causing you to dislike her son.

You can help your friend in other ways like cooking meals for her, finding her a parent's day out program, or treating her to a girl's night out when both of your husbands can watch the kids. Don't worry about trying to help her son open up and be happy. That sounds like an impossible task.

I know you say he is not autistic, but my 20 year old son with Asperger's was exactly like that when he was 3 years old. He was not diagnosed until he was in 4th grade, but that is how he acted at 3. He was a velcro child and would cry unti he vomited if left in the church nursery. Did not need sleep (and still is like that). Did no parallel play which meant if he was in a group, he would sit in the corner wanting to do his own thing. Yes, it was (and is) exhausting. How to cope with a child like that? I would say that you find out from his mother what he likes to play with, and let him do that. Do not expect him to do a lot of pretend play. Gut issues can be a part of it too - which is why the potty incident. The mother may not think her son has any problems, and often it may be a preschool teacher who will recommend testing. If she is open for the suggestion, I would ask her if he has been evaluated. You are a saint for offeing to give her a break!

I really wish people wouldn't just assume there is something "wrong' with kids because they are standoffish, etc.

My son is very friendly, but he is going through a fear stage --he will be 3 in Dec. My son just recently started clinging to me when we go to new places, and he is always standoffish with strangers that want to be friends with him. He does fine when I leave him with my parents, but I have little doubt he would act a bit strange if I left him with someone else. I left him with a good friend recently, and he appeared fine, but he had three accidents in a 2 hour time period! Anxiety when mom isn't around in kids this young doesn't mean something is wrong, it just means it's stressful to be without mom!

You know how they say it's normal for kids to need a few weeks to adjust to preschool and kindergarten, how many of them cry and want to go home? Well, maybe it isn't normal and we have just decided that kids needs to suck it up and grow up faster than is emotionally healthy. Maybe we have so many kids with problems because we are pushing them to be independent sooner than we should.

My kids rarely ask me to play with them, so I have a very free-range parenting style. My almost 3 year old plays without me about 95% of the time. I also have lots of friends with only's that require constant entertainment (or the TV). This happens sometimes. But I think most of the behaviors you are describing are normal (my 4.5 year old is very selective and particular, and sensitive: things have to be just right. Instead of seeing this is a problem, I am seeing it for what it is: she is very attuned to things and sees the little details most of us fail to see. She is super sensitive to smells, and maybe one day she will be leading food critic. Instead of seeing the negative, I prefer to see the uniqueness of her ways.)

You asked how to get the kid to open up? Be standoffish. Don't try too hard. Give him time. 3 is so young to be without mom or dad. It really is.

I can't say that he doesn't have Aspergers or Autism like the other readers mentioned, but what stood out the most to me in your post is that this little boy is an unstable, spoiled child with little parental guidance or authority. No wonder he acts the way he does. Kids need structure, authority, and guidance. He is always the one calling the shots in his own world, with the crutch of his mom there at all times to catch him if he falls or hold his hand through it, when at his age, he needs someone to GUIDE him.. When he is in a situation that he's unfamiliar with, of course he's going to feel agitated, anxious, and insecure. He might be comfortable with your family at your house when his mom is there. But when she's not, it's a whole different story. This is basic child psychology. Kids need boundaries. It sounds like he's basically left to face the world, deal with the world, decide for himself on everything and he is THREE! That is ridiculous. I can tell you really love your friend, so if you want to help her, try to lovingly confront her on how her parenting style is NOT helping her child. Maybe do some research first on how structure, boundaries, rules, and authority are all basics that little kids need to thrive, so you have something to back up your 'theory.' But, when it comes down to it, he isn't your kid, and if she doesn't think there is a problem and doesn't want to change anything, unfortunately there's not much you can do about it. But you can maintain the rules you've set for your own home and children and place those same expectations on him when he is your guest. I don't mean he necessarily has to play with your kids, but, follow the same rules your kids (and their friends) have to follow when he is a guest at your house. Do you let your kids whine until they get what they want? Then don't let him do it either. Tell him that that behavior is unacceptable at your house. I bet once he learns the structure and rules of your house and that he fits into those just like everyone else, he will love being there more than his own home, because your house is predictable and he can just be a kid without the pressure of making all his own decisions... Tough situation, I admire the good friend you are. I think I'd probably just avoid this particular favor!! So, good job. :)

WOW such perfectionism and control issues in such a little guy! i was fascinated reading your post, honestly. but i really feel for you too.

know what i think? more playdates. LOTS more. sorry to say it lol. BUT i really honestly feel like this kid has been SO coddled, SO catered to, that nothing but a good old fashioned kick in the pants dose of reality is going to do it. he HAS to learn how to get along with someone besides his mom. really.

Honestly, it stinks for your kids. BUT i believe that 99% of the time, unless someone is bleeding or broken, they should be working things out themselves. how about taking them to the park? lots to do, and you don't have to sit and entertain. just a thought.

it just seems to me like, in the name of peace and making nice, you really bent over backwards to cater to this kid, just like he's used to. i would really love to get ahold of him lol. see what happens when he is expected to be in the real world.

i just said this in another 3 year old post - but i think 3 is not the ideal time for the "reasoning" and "talking it out" methods we have rammed down our throats these days. a 3 year old with complete control is SCARY. sometimes "because i said so" SHOULD be enough. really.

kids adapt to different expectations. the spoiled rotten brat at home suddenly performs great at school because his teachers actually discipline him. i bet with a little coaching and time from you he could actually enjoy his time with you. think how wonderful it would be for him to see what it's like to be a "normal" kid. probably idealistic of me....

goooooood luck!

he's little still. barely out of diapers. I think to classify someone as autistic or aspergers J. because they dont fit the mold is crazy.

My daughter was diferent than other kids at that age. she would open up if i was around M. but god forbid i leave her in a room without M. or soemone she knew. she also loved spewing facts, when we went for the pre-k evaluation they told M. she seemed verbally gifted and i should have her tested and that may be why she was so quirky.
i think she didnt help her cause when she told them at 3 she'd like to be a paleontologist and asked the teacher if she planned on teaching her about the solar system and if not could she work it in and then asked her if they took naps and told ehr that she would not attendif they did.
i enrolled her in pre-k early and she got really reserved that year and changed a lot. even her knowledge changed. she went from highly advanced to average. emmy isnt like the typical kid still. she does better one on one and struggles in the classroom with others because of shyness. However she has no mental issues...she's J. simply EMMY. She takes a bit longer to warm up. Last year it took her 2 weeks to make friends in K this year were a month in and yesterday was the first time she played with kids her age. she had previously only been interacting with older kids.!!!!!!! woohooo

i think some kids are J. odd. the more you have him alone the more he wont ask where is mommmmyyyy?

You've gotten a lot of good insights already (and I agree with those saying, I hope he doesn't get labeled with a condition too quickly, when the real issue is the way he's parented or rather, not parented).

I wanted to add that YOU are a good friend and patient person to help your friend out by taking on -- and worrying about -- her child. She needs sleep and you're kind to help her get it. While you cannot also take on responsibility for changing this boy's standoffishness, just continue to be yourself, let your kids be themselves around him, and support his mom as you are doing. Don't get over-involved to the point that you are taking him too often, or to the point that you feel hurt by his coldness toward you. You are the more experienced parent in this situation and you know you need to be a bit objective and not get emotionally tied up in his issues or you won't be as much help.

Meanwhile -- you're a good person to be thinking of them and worrying about them. I wish you a great day today!

I suggest that you cannot get him to open up and enjoy life more. He is the way he is because of the way he's parented and his own personaliaty and you cannot change that. Khursten explained it very well.

I am not a child psychologist, but these characteristics sound a lot like Asperger's Syndrome to me. Has your friend had him tested? There may be services available to help with his behavior.

I am OCD and I make it work for me. My kids have certain tendencies toward this, but we don't allow it. We are the parents. There is no way in hell I'd stand there for 2 minutes waiting for some guy to come back! I give them 2 choices, or none at all. My daughter will try to go back and redo something because I didn't do it perfectly the way she wanted....with the same end result. We don't deal with it. Sometimes I'll go with it, since I don't want to control her every move, but we also need to teach her flexibility.

We teach our kids to be self sufficient, but that being said, we are attachment parents, as well. Our kids wipe their own butts by the age of 3 years old. When we changed diapers and they were/are old enough (like 12 months) they can take their own diaper to the trash. They order their own meals at restaurants from the time they can talk. We have family and friends watch them and don't cause drama when we leave. Our kids sleep soundly in the dark - all night long from birth.

You can love your kids, and being his friend means she is not being his parent.

well, he's only 3. he's got his routine with his parents (and i totally agree that he is probably anxious from taking on WAY too much responsibility for his family at his tiny age), and he's got his own personality. i don't think it's realistic to expect that you're going to crack his shell and turn him into a sunshiney little fellow.
it sounds as if while watching him you both violated your own senses of self. you tried to over-entertain, and he retreated into poker-face because of his own discomfort. why not let him find his own way? let him parallel play with the big boys, or help him select toys to play with while you do your thing, but don't feel obliged to turn yourself inside out to be the 'host.' part of his discomfort probably stemmed from his toddler intuition that you weren't really loving what you were doing. i've never been a get down on the floor with 'em sort of mother. it's okay to let a child you're watching figure out how to have fun, or to be bored and unhappy. all of your efforts didn't really pay off, did they? so you might as well spend YOUR afternoon getting things done.
continue to give your friend a break (what a good friend you are!) but lower your expectation as to how much you can or should *fix* her kid.
khairete
S.

yes, he is definitely showing red flags & probably needs assessment. But perhaps a gentler 1st step would be more interaction with kids..... attending preschool/etc....& really stepping up the social interaction.

I do know a family dealing with extreme anxiety issues. The grpa has it, the dad has it. The 9yo son has Aspergers, ODD, OCD, & extreme anxiety + a few others. 2 more of the children are on the spectrum for these issues, but are able & happy to be mainstreamed.

The 1st time I encountered the "dead eye stare".....(sigh) I was a little freaked. It seemed as if nothing I offered was getting through. What I've come to realize is that there's a lot of mental processing going on behind that stare. I've learned not to cater to the child. I am matter-of-fact, simplistic in my approach, & I encourage forward movement. It's a method which brings peace to me.....& that's the best I can offer.

I hope this helps you! Peace.....

I would see a lot of it as a normal reaction for an active little boy who is not used to being without his parents. I find waiting for someone to come back to their car for an hour extreme but if it doesn't impact me, what does it really matter? When he is in your home, try to steer him into activities where he can entertain himself or interact appropriately with other kids. Maybe get some playdough out.

I think if you have more of these afternoons, you will find a balance and he will learn what happens at your house vs what goes on at home. Kids adjust to different expectations all the time. I would not worry about his every mood. I would treat him like a normal 3 yr old. When he asks about Daddy, remind him that yes, Daddy will be back soon. And then move on to the next thing. At preschool, it can take a month for little kids to stop crying at drop off. He's about that age. It may just take him a while.

I'd also try to gently express to my friend that I think her son needs some reassurance from her. Consider buying them the book The Kissing Hand and encouraging them to kiss him and be off. Say that you want him to have a good day and in your research you have found that a confident good bye from the parents can help a child's day.

My DD started to have a fear of the dark, of bugs and of scary images on TV (she gets very concerned about the bad guys and runs into another room - we're talking bad robots on Backyardigains, not some inappropriate show). I would tell the big boys that the kid doesn't understand that they are just playing and would they please take their war play somewhere else or tone it down? He may just be an introverted, sensitive soul who is overwhelmed by your family right now.

It sounds like to me he is not used to being away from mom and dad - kind of a mild form of separation anxiety.

I feel for the mom because she has no idea what sort of person she is turning her child in to. I do because I did the same thing. I was so sensitive to my daughters feelings and emotions and went way out of my way to try to make her happy all the time. HUGE MISTAKE!

She has "entitlement" issues, and has no sense of personal responsibility. I can see that this is attributable to the fact that I made her feel like she was entitled to have me or someone else do everything for her; I never made her be responsible for anything; I went out of my way to try to "fix" everything for her. Then, as she got older and I saw what I had done, I tried to always help her because I felt guilty that I had made her the way she is.

Now that she's in her 30's, the guilt has stopped. I have tried to correct what I did; I have talked with her about it thinking if I could get her to see it, then she would correct it or at least try to correct it. Nothing doing. She is who she is and I just have to live with it.

He's a child who has not socialized much with other kids, so he may find a lot of other kids at once to be very scary. He's a child who rarely, if ever, has a babysitter, so he finds it scary to be cared for by someone unfamiliar. There's nothing abnormal about his reaction to the situation. He's attached to his parents, and he's anxious when placed into a new situation all by himself. That's not unusual. The more familiar he becomes with you, the better it may be. Or he may decide that he doesn't like you and just plain not be happy to be there. He may entertain himself just fine at his home, but your home is not his home. You have different rules, and his toys are not at your house. He needs to ask to use your stuff when he may be fine at home. I don't think this child sounds delayed, just a bit sheltered.