My Friends Divorce

You know how papercuts hurt the worst?

I'm in the very beginning of a long haul divorce (13mo in my state from start to finish).

Abusive Ex... who, as a VERY wise woman recently shared with me "Lies better than I tell the truth"... makes 6 figures, and is screwing me every which way.. .and I have phenom lawyers (for now, they're expensive... and I'm a homeschooling stay at home mom of a special needs kiddo.. so I CAN'T work, because he can't go to school! At least, not right now.) I won't get into the messy details any more than that... just... it's a mess. He almost kills me, assaults my/our son, and round 1 to him... the courts have given him partial custody of our son. I don't have a lot of hope for the future.

Point BEING:

All of that; the terror over my son being killed on purpose or accident while with my STBXH, my entire life turned upside down, my entire future being flushed...

My friends have vanished.

All but 2. One thousands of miles away.

I WILL come out of this... but at night... what brings me to tears... are those papercuts. I can handle (badly) all of the really hard stuff. But my friends being gone? It's a papercut. The straw on the camel's back that is just too much and makes me feel worthless. Like he's "right".

Call her. For no reason. Text her. Show up when she's a mess and just wants to be left alone, give her a hug, and let her be alone. Or stay. Bring food. Bring ibuprofen. Just leave a note taped to her window telling her how amazing she is.

Just.... don't vanish.

Obviously... my own bias is pretty heavy here. But it's what I've got.

I was faced with a lot of the same but played it quite differently. I enrolled in classes two weeks after I filed for divorce. I got a job before I even filed. I worked for Breadco (Panera to the rest of the states) and only made 9 dollars an hour but I showed I am not some princess that hopes to live off my ex because my attorney said that is how I will be painted.

I went to the court asking for spousal and child support for four years so I could complete my degree. All of this is reasonable to the court. Going to the court with no plan other than crying that she can't support herself doesn't work.

So in my opinion the nice thing you can do is force her to wake up! Get her butt enrolled in full time classes because it looks like she isn't doing anything else. Get a part time job or a full time job that works around her school schedule. Oh that is why I picked Breadco, they work around your obligations. It doesn't have to be what she is happy with it needs to be what is out there.

The courts do not care what you have done in the past, only what is in the future. If she does all this she can go to court in six months with a plan for the future, what she has done in the past six months towards it and what she needs from her soon to be ex to reach that goal. She will find she gets a very different outcome with that.

All you can give her is a plan.

Oh and my ex makes around 150,000 a year, trust me they won't take money from a man and give it to a women who has no plan except to live off of him in this state either.

Oh my gosh. I don't understand how that could happen! I'm so angry and sad for her. How can a father take away a child from a loving mother? I'm very much in the same situation and go to court in a month and now i'm scared out of my mind!
I'd say check on her everyday, because if my kids were taken away from me i wouldnt have a reason to live anymore. Try to keep her busy so she doesnt think about it. I dont think you can do that for 6 months.
Man that really sucks.

To echo everyone, be there for her. It sounds like she doesn't have anyone else.

You say that her visitation is minimal. My suggestion for help is to assist her by paying for something fun for her and the kids to do. Maybe buy them tickets to the movies, zoo, a fun dinner at Red Robin, the aquarium, etc. It would be great to take her out for a girls day, but it would also be great if she could take her kids somewhere fun when they are with her as well. Just a thought...

Sounds to me as if you are doing the best thing in the world...BEING THERE FOR HER! :)

If you want to do something extra, how about a simple 'girlz day out'? Start with a sitter for both families or a day care that you both like. Go out to a nice coffee shop or be at the mall when they open & eat there, (do you have an, 'old town' where you live? Lots of little shops some with food, some antiques, boutiques? this instead of the mall perhaps). Second place to hit is the spa or the salon depending on your $$$, manis & pedis, facials, massage.......whatever puts the ahhhhhhhhh in your day.
End up with a light lunch at your fav 'girly' spot that has that goregous waiter or the owner who actually takes time to talk to the guests. On the way home pick up something frozen or quick for you & all of the kidlets & a movie & snacks for after dinner, put the kidz to bed, pop a cork on a good bottle of wine, relax, talk & sleep over...you both should be ready to face the next battle, albeit with an ex or anyone!

Oh.....don't forget to send me an invite for this most wonderful day! 'p

Just be there for her as you can. Try to find ways to help her laugh. Having a sense of humor really saved me.
Also, help her to focus on moving forward instead of miring in what she feels stuck in.

The best advice I can give women going through a nasty divorce is to never count on the man doing the right thing. If he does, that's great, but you can't sit around waiting for it.
My ex husband didn't pay anything he was supposed to pay. He didn't care that the house went into foreclosure. He didn't care if the kids and I had a place to live. He quit his job making over 150k a year.
I had to work to financially support my two kids. That was the reality of the situation. I didn't have time to think about how unfair it was. It just was what it was and I had to be the strong and stable one.
So, help your friend if you can. Feel badly for her, but don't feel sorry for her because the worst thing she can do is feel sorry for herself.
I have a friend with 3 kids, she works full time, takes college classes online and is 6 months away from getting a Bachelor's in Hospital Administration.
It's hard, but it can be done.
She has to learn to rely on herself and show the courts that she can do so in order to show that her kids can rely on her too.

It may be hard for her to see it now, but she will actually look back and feel so much stronger as a person knowing that she was able to conquer these challenges WITHOUT having to rely on her ex husband in order to do it.

Just my opinion.
Best wishes.