My Girls Ages 9 and 6 Are So Disrespectful to Me

I don't yell. I am like a drill sergeant though. I had my kids close together to start and if I hadn't been on top of them, telling them (not asking, I never ask....) what to do, I would not have been able to keep a sane household.

I come from a large family, and my mom was a kindergarten teacher. I think I parent like she did. There was no time for arguments, or talking back. You would have been ignored and not served dinner if you talked back. It just wasn't an option. I'm very old school. I never spanked either. My kids just know I mean business.

I have a lot of flaws as a mom, but if you're not in charge now, you need to get tougher. Teenagers are right around the corner.

Cleaning room, helping out, setting table, dishwasher, homework, ready on time ... that's not up for debate. You don't do it - you don't get to enjoy household privileges.

My son missed the bus this morning. He biked to school. He's a teenager, but that's on him.

I am not my kids' friend. I also am not into kids who challenge adults - some parents like that whole approach, kids who question authority - not in my house, you can ask - but I'm the adult.

I would think yelling is very draining. Walk away if they talk back. If my kids piss me off (they do, they're kids ..) I walk away - and come back and deal with it when I've calmed down. Mom time out I call it.

So my suggestion would be - no phone/device/electronics - until you're ready in the morning. Take them. No having friends over or going out, until room cleaned. Etc. If they are pissy - let them be. You don't have to hear it. Walk away. I once sat in my kids' fort with a glass of wine and just let them whinge inside. Or alternatively, I send them outside and have peace inside.

First of all, when you ASK them to do something you are giving them a choice, so of course they will push back. You should only ask them something when they actually have a choice. Otherwise you TELL them, it's time to clean up now, it's time to start getting ready for bed, etc.
I'm not sure what will work with your girls but for my kids it was "you can have A when B is done." For example, the TV wasn't turned on in the morning until they were ready for school. They couldn't get out the play doh until the legos were put way. And if they got into bed easily and without any drama we had an extra story. Stuff like that.
Was it perfect? No. Did I yell sometimes? Sure. But I made a point to lay out the expectations and consequences clearly and I did NOT argue with them. It was either do this or that will/will not happen.
Be calm and be consistent!

Just stop.
Stop yelling, and stop asking again and again.
Tell them that you are going to let them know what the need to do one time, and if they don't listen, you are going to impose a specific consequence.

With my kids, the main consequence is screen time because that's what they love to do. For example, they know that they need to finish homework before playing on their iPods/on the computer. I will ask them once "Is your homework done?" If they say yes and it is not, or if they don't respond at all, I simply take the iPod out of the child's hands and lock it in my room (or log the computer off, and they don't know the password so they can't get back on without me). No further reminding. No yelling. Really early on, they would throw a fit when I did this. I ignored it and kept the iPod locked in my room. Now they know I'm serious and that I'm not going to give in, so they stopped with the fits and they respond when I ask them to do something.

Good luck.

Asking means it's an option. Stop asking for what's required, and only ask for what's a favor.

Consequences, but they have to be more immediate. And the consequences are their CHOICE to make sure it's phrased that way. "Okay, so you are CHOOSING to lose computer time."

Now, for getting ready for school, I simply told my son that he could go when he was ready. I said, "I understand you want to play and not get to school on time. So we will go when you are ready. Now, remember that the school rule is that you have to check in at the office instead of going right to your class. So when we get there, I will sign you in and you can go talk to Mrs. Principal and just explain to her why you didn't think it was important for you to be in school. I know she'll be interested in hearing it right from your mouth." He got ready immediately because he didn't want that CHOICE.

Homework? They are little so it's not like their entire academic and professional future is riding on this. So, just once, let them go with no homework. Just say some version of what I said to my son: "Fine. Your choice. You can explain it to Ms. Teacher in your own words. I'll stay out of it. Whatever her consequences are for unfinished homework, that's what you're CHOOSING. If you don't get to do X, Y or Z or if you stay in for recess, just understand that it's your CHOICE."

So, I'd take a quiet moment when you're not in a rush, and sit them down. Tell them you are done with the yelling, and you're not going to do it anymore. While you won't budge on safety, they're going to learn pretty quickly that it's better not to argue about things.

That means you have to be willing to be inconvenienced in the short run. It means being late to work once or twice, or at least setting the clocks ahead 1 hour so they are up earlier than they think. You can easily take the TV remote or whatever other electronic stuff they waste time with. You can skip packing dessert or making lunches if they have a purchased lunch option, since "I didn't do those things because I didn't think you were seriously getting ready." No yelling, just facts. If they yell at you (and they will), don't play along. Walk away. "Sorry you're upset, but this was your choice." The idea is to make things as inconvenient and undesirable as possible for them, without the right. If they whine in the car, give a warning that you aren't listening to this, that they are distracting the driver. If they persist (and they will, because they aren't used to doing things the first time), pull the car over and get out. If you have childproof locks in the back seat, great. Let them sit there and scream at each other. You stand where they can see you, so they aren't afraid, but not close enough where you can hear the complaining. If it's raining, see if you can pull into a safe area like a donut shop - and get yourself a donut while they can see you, but nothing for them. I kept a book of crossword puzzles in my purse for waiting rooms, and it was great for keeping myself occupied while my son figured out that his tantrum wasn't on my list of things to deal with that day. They'll get pretty bored with themselves in short order. Of course, they'll be late to whatever they are heading to - and they will deal with the consequences. And you'll get a donut because you "deserve it for listening to whining." And if they were headed to the mall or the park or the play date, but they DECIDED (CHOSE) not to behave, then it becomes their CHOICE to have you turn around and go home.

I think delaying the consequences (like losing something on Saturday for what they did wrong on Monday just delays the reality for them. The lesson has to be that they will have a lot more fun doing things your way than persisting in doing things their way.

This stall-and-delay is a game to them, and the only way to deal with it is not to play, and to change the rules on them. You ARE the boss and you need to act like it. It's hard but you do have all the cards - you just have to play them, and make the kids realize what cards they have been dealt as well.

Think of it this way - it's great practice for exerting control before they are teens and this starts all over again.

Stop trying to be their friend

theres a book called 123 magic. i suggest you read it and try it out. i use its tactics for my children and have great results. now i ask politely. if nothing then i ask again and tell them thats 1. they are usually willing to comply by the time i say 1 but sometimes its 2. and if they are really having a time of it they end up with the discipline.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I fee like yelling is the only way to get my 11 year old's attention. He is so stubborn (like me). We he's calm, I try to talk to him about using his stubbornness for good :-) I know that personality trait is an asset, as "determination" is what it takes to get through school and overcome obstacles in liFe. Still ... he drives me bananas!

One thing that helps me is to stop asking. I don't ask them to get dressed. I tell them it is time to get dressed. I say it nicely but firmly. I also (try to) stay calm and very matter-of-fact. It is time to brush teeth. If they get upset or argue, I look them in the eye and repeat that it is time to brush teeth. I try very hard to ignore the bad behavior.

The other thing you can try is taking things away. For us, electronics are a huge currency. TV time, tablet time, video game time. Just a threat to take one away gets my 8 year old's attention.

What are they doing when you ask them to start their work?
Is the tv on or are they on the computer/phone/playing games?
In our house, when we got home - there was a snack and then homework started.
Because the quickest way to fun is to get the work done.
TV and any other recreational activities did not begin until the work was over.
Use plug locks if you have to.
You are the parent - you giveth (for cooperation) and you can most certainly 'taketh away' (for non cooperation).
It's not 'taking away' fun time.
They have to earn it - by getting homework and chores completed.
If they didn't earn any fun - then they get none.
It's totally up to them which way this is going to go.
I'd suggest explaining the rules to them once.
After that you remind them once to get started on work/chores.
If they don't get it done, then they go to bed after supper - lights out - no doing anything.
And if they fail at school - let them suffer the consequences.
This is elementary school - better they learn now than in middle or high school.

Do not engage them in a fight.
You are in charge and they are not equals and should not challenge your authority.
When our son was young I told him once:
Work with me - and life can be pretty sweet.
Work against me - and we can all be fairly miserable.
Your choice.
Choose wisely.

Fortunately he had no difficulty in making some good decisions.

What are they doing that they don't want to do what you ask? Come up with house rules. Before school they have to do x, y, z before they are allowed to do something they want. The same thing at homework time. The same thing before bedtime. Are they watching TV? Are they on an ipad or something like that? Unplug and turn off the internet if you have to. Make it super consistent every day so they know you are not going to give in. Be calm about it though - no yelling! I know...kids are great at driving us nuts. It sounds like your girls have kind of learned from each other to argue and battle with you. It's two against one! I would work on teaching them the new house rules and how it's going to go. Then work on some positive times with you and happy memories instead of battling all the time. Good luck.

I've read your prior posts. This has been an issue for awhile, as is your husband's alcoholism which I think is the real issue.

Children need/crave/love predictability. It gives them security, comfort and self esteem. It gives them boundaries.
You (and your husband) have created an environment of chaos.
When this is all children know, chaos becomes their security, and comfort. So maintaining the chaos (yelling, tantrums, etc) becomes important to them because it is now something that is predictable and allows them to define the boundaries of how your family functions.

I see in the past you stated the family was going to try therapy. But you do not state if you guys as a family have sought help for your husband's addiction. It seems to me that ALL of you could benefit greatly from professional help to address his addiction and the effects it has on children. It is the elephant in the living room, and not addressing it will keep you ALL acting out as you are now.

Please see a professional that is licensed and certified in addictions and familiar with Child of an Alcoholic (COA) issues.

Chaos is comfort to your children, please seek professional help so they may learn healthier ways to comfort themselves, build healthy self esteem and develop healthy boundaries that lead to respect.

I read a meme once that leaning in and whispering is a lot more scary than yelling, lol!

You are the mom. You have the ability to shut everything down, if you'd like. Something needs to happen...well that's the ONLY thing that does happen until it happens! Haha! You can do it. Call a family meeting on the couch and readdress what's falling thru the cracks & stay on it. That age is still really young, we have to supervise and check all progress.

I personally, like to stay up to speed and active when I know they have things to get done. Where's the homework, sit down at the table, I'll cook dinner, you work & I'll check after kind of thing. I'll be in to check your room in 10 minutes, go make your bed & tidy up...

Are you doing the follow through?gotta do the follow up if you want them to listen to you...& then pick your consequences carefully. Do they like to go outside, talk in the phone, watch tv, play computer? All that is under your control mom...first things first!

Make sure you are clear of what is expected, maybe even 1 task at a time & ensure it gets completed...a few times with you breathing down their necks making sure it's getting down & they will just do it b/c they don't want you breathing down their necks & they trust that you'll check & follow thru on consequences, if need be.

Think of it this way. You say you work full time, so I assume you either have a boss, or perhaps you are the boss. You must have responsibilities, time limits, and certain standards to meet. And most likely, unless you work in a terribly dysfunctional place of business, you understand the responsibilities. And either your boss delegates duties, or if you're the boss, you delegate. And the consequences are clear.

Would you ask (nicely) one of your employees to do their inventory report? Would your boss ask you nicely to show up to the meeting on time? Or would you (or your boss) clearly set out what's expected, and what will happen if standards aren't met?

Run your home more like that, only with kindness and a mother's hugs. Establish clearly what is expected of your girls. They'll be dressed by 7 am, homework will be done at the kitchen or dining room table from 4 -5 pm, bedtime is at 8 pm. Meals will be eaten at the table, with manners. No more asking children to behave and to speak nicely. They can be asked if they prefer tacos or spaghetti for Friday night supper, and they can be asked if they want to wear the pink t shirt or the sparkly blue one. They can be asked certain things, but those are about personal preferences, not about appropriate language, cooperating, completing homework, and attending school on time. At work, your boss (or you) might not care if an employee puts a small photo of their dog or their family on their desk. That's up to that employee. That's choice. But that doesn't extend to turning in time sheets, or showing up to work, or wearing the uniform, or doing one's tasks. That's not choice.

Keep a calendar in a prominent place and post the rules nearby. Keep track of what days your daughters use a polite tone, and cooperate with the clearly stated expectations, with a sticker or check mark.

Remove electronics. No phones. No screens or tablets. When, and only when, the day has gone peacefully and the chores are accomplished, there will be a limited time for free time with the iPad (in plain sight of you).

And I'd also remove the "disrespectful to me" from your equation. They're just generally disobedient, and disrespectful, and not functioning independently. It's not you that they're hurting. They're hurting themselves. They're going to have privileges revoked. They're going to have their freedom curtailed. They won't be trusted and respected by friends.

Don't make "respect for you" the goal. Make the goal something like developing polite, helpful people who can contribute to society and help make their home a peaceful place. Teach your girls that they're getting older, and sleep overs, camps, school activities, being able to go to the movies with friends, and even doing grown up things like driving a car are not too far in their futures. But if they can't act in a respectful way, and if they can't do what's expected of them, and if they can't get themselves ready for school and do basic chores, they won't have any of those fun privileges.

It is time for some real discipline, not just yelling. If my boys don't listen the first time I will repeat myself once with a reminder of what the consequences will be if they fail to listen and stop any back talk, and then I follow through on whatever it is if they still don't act right, whether that is no video games or tv, losing their phone, early bed time, ect. It is time for your discipline to have some actual bite to it and then maybe they will take you more seriously.

You need to be absolutely consistent. It's obvious that they walk all over you because you don't like conflict. (Nobody really does.) Set the rules down on paper. Put down what your expectations of them are. Have them help you. Have them decide the consequences for non-compliance. You'll be surprised how hard they can be on themselves.
Make sure they understand what is required. (Clean your room is not a clear statement. Make your bed as soon as you get up is a clear statement.) If you don't make your bed when you get up, there will be no TV until you make it.
If you talk back, you will sit in time out for 10 minutes.
If you don't do your homework, there will be no TV or computer until it is done. If you don't do your homework, and your grades slip, you will not play soccer with your friends. You will go to practice to honor the commitment, but you'll sit on the sidelines until your homework is done correctly.
If you are not dressed when it is time to go to school, you'll go in your pajamas. (It will only take once. Trust me!)
They will test you and it will get worse before it gets better, but you must be firm and strong.