My Good Friend Knows Everything!

Hi S.,
I would suggest picking up a book on boundaries. There is a couple of good ones out...I can't seem to think of their titles right now though.

Many Blessings,
M. V.
Independent Marketing Executive
Melaleuca-The Wellness Company

You could have some fun with it! Say something like..."I just bought this pair of diamond earrings today..." Then she will go out and buy some. Or say you just bought a time share in aruba or something. haha

This is something that goes deeper than just pointing it out to her and having it go away. If it bothers you, you should slowly become less and less involved with the friendship. If you bring it up to her and say you can't deal with it, then you'll only give her something interesting to talk about with the next girl. It would drive me nuts too! My mother in law is a "one upper" and most of the time I can barely stand talking to her.

Hi S.,

You've heard of a fair weather friend, right? Well, this is what I would call a foul weather friend. It sounds like she is constantly needing to make sure that she is better than you. As long as in her estimation you are one rung below her on the ladder she is groovey. I don't think it's meant to be flattery. It's meant to keep score, and, yeah, it's kind of high school and silly.

It does sound like she is insecure and that's sad to think about. It hurts to think that someone feels so unsure of themselves that they need to use you to elevate their own sense of worth.

You could handle it in three ways. You could lead by example and when she says, "Yeah, I have done that, too" you could say, "Really, maybe some time we could trade information on that and learn something from each other." You will be showing her it's not ok to know everything or have done everything and that it's ok to learn something you didn't already know. OR you could confront her (kindly) and tell her that it bothers you a little bit and what it feels like she is doing. OR you could just slip quietly away and make yourself unavailable.

I had a friend like this a long time ago - and I'm not just saying that to keep score =) - and it got to the point where it was just malicious. She couldn't stand it when I was happy or successful so she did her best to take the wind out of my sails any way she could. I just disappeared. At that point I didn't want to teach her anything. I just wanted to stop hearing her talk.

At any rate I don't think any choice is a bad one. No one is such a good friend that we let them repeatedly kick at us.

Good luck.

L.

S., rarely has there been a question that has left me smiling more than this one. Did you notice that you wrote upset about the "been there, done that" attitude of your friend and almost every response was from women saying, "Oh my gosh! I've been there and done that!"?

Beyond the ironically comical side of this question and the answers that followed, I have to point out that this is a problem born from a woman's natural path of communication. It is, in fact, that very part of the way we communicate that makes this site work so well.

As women, we are conditioned to relate to one another by sharing our own similar experiences. Since human experience is rarely truly unique, we are pretty good at being able to dig down into the depths of our lives and find something that will "match" our friend's experiences. Yes, some women take this search for similarities to the extreme and even out and out lie, but perhaps knowing it is normal response and possibly even something genetically coded into our systems will help you as you deal with your friend.

Infinite Blessings!
Kristy

Man oh man I am going through something similar! I have a friend that lies all the time. I will catch her in lies and even say "but you told me this and that" and she will then lie again! Then I say something like "thats weird since you told me this and that". She tends to try to one-up me when she see's that I am getting attention from males... and I am married!!!! It sounds like your friend is a compulsive liar as mine is. I think the only thing you can do is confront her everytime she says something that sounds one up-ish. EVERYTIME!! That may get her thinking ...um, I am really sounding foolish...maybe I should cut this down. I have started to do this with the person I am dealing with and it has cut down a little.
Good Luck!!

Like the one woman said - I think we have all known someone like this at some point - or still do! For me, it's a woman who's sometimes fun to go out and have a drink with when I get a night off but that's about it. I wouldn't trust my friend with any serious emotional issues or problems I'm having. I just wouldn't trust her, period.

And I wouldn't trust yours, either. Yes, it's insecurity. A HUGE desire to relate / connect / "see how similar we are?"

But if someone goes to such lengths to make a connection, well, there's a reason they're having to force it.

You can, and perhaps should, for your own peace of mind, tell her what you've told us - the next time she does this, just say, "You know, you do this so much. It makes me feel like grade school and you're saying that anything I can do you can do, too. It also makes me not want to share anything with you at all." If she gets defensive and it blows up, you will at least know you tried. Is the fear of one confrontation worth the headache of trying to be "nice" indefinitely or the ensuing guilt you'll probably experience trying to move out of the relationship sideways like a crab?

Not judging, I've been there, done that! :) Ended relationships/friendships in good ways and bad. I just have learned that for me, one confrontation that leaves me at peace within a few days is preferable to just about everything else.

Good luck!

Hi Boy you must have the same friend I do,I don't understand either?I just try to aviod her alot if she wants to do something I just make excuses so that I am not driving my self crazy,some women still play games and I don't have time for all of that stuff.I have a 9yr old girl who alway has drama with her friends and sometimes I think boy it sounds like my friend.My friend also lies about everything,Me and another friend get together and are just amazed how much she lies,about stupid stuff things that are not important at all things that who cares it is a Illness just thank God you are'nt like that. Take care
D.

I know that it can be hard when someone is doing everything you do. I had a co-worker cut & color her hair to look like mine and buy the same work clothes too. Try talking to your friend and tell her that what she is doing is starting to make you made. She may not even know she's doing it or maybe she is just trying way to hard to get you to like her. If talking her her doesn't work, keep your distance for awhile (be too busy). Then maybe she'll see the point. If she doesn't then maybe she isn't a real friend after all.

sociopathic. she soooo needs counseling. on one level it's probably that she needs a friend and likes you and knows you may not like the person she feels she is, so if she does the things you do it seems to her that you would like her. yes this is crazy she needs medical attention. does she have family that you could plan an intervention with? is she prone to mood swings? i would exercise caution in the access she has to your personal life.

How about some honesty? The next time you have a conversation with her and she automatically meshes herself with what you've said or done. Give her a long look and pause and say. Do you realize that you are a wonderful person who I like very much? And do you realize that no matter what I say or do, you have always done it or are going to do it? I need a good friend who is alright being herself not a clone of me. You have your own life experiences, I'd love to know what they are, who you are. But an echo of me and what I do I don't need.

Let me know how that turns out.

Hi S.,
I haven't read any replies you have gotten so I am sure you may have heard this but I would say to start giving her some ridiculous things to copy so that maybe she'll either feel silly or get the point. I have a sister inlaw that does the same thing so I understand your frustration. Her favorite thing is having any illness anyone else in the family has. She will go to the emergency room complaining of their symptoms and everything!
It must be common because there is a character on Saturday Nite Live who sits there one upping everything anyone says in the skit. Its pretty funny.
Good luck!!
K.

Yes, she is insecure. Sounds like a little jealousy as well. Bored with her own life, etc. You are going to have to explain to her this is bothering you.
Sounds to me like she doesn't have many friends and this could be one of the reasons. She is bored with her life, wants to keep up with the "Joneses" as it were and thinks by having done everything and has everything you do makes your connection closer.
If you don't tell her this habit of her's is bothering you it will definately end your friendship.

HI S.,
It does sound like your friend is a little insecure. Did she have any other friends when you came along? If not, possibly this is why?!?! I think she feels if she is not like her friend she will not like her. Perhaps one day you will get up the courage to talk to her. Hey what have you got to loose, you are thinking about breaking off the relationship anyway. Who knows it may help and also mend your friendship. Please let us know if this helps. I think we have all had a friend something like this one time or another in our lifetime.
Deb

Hi, S.,
Jenny C. is right - we've probably all known someone like this at least once in our lives. There seem to be MANY of them out there. I'm your age, and have had relationships where I, too, felt like I was back in high school. Not worth it. Seriously.

When I had a friend similar to yours, I started backing off the friendship by just asking what SHE was up to, and what she had planned. When she asked what I was doing, I'd say "Oh, not much." Then I'd guide the conversation back to her life. It wasn't long before she called less and less, then stopped altogether. I was never unfriendly or anything - I always showed great interest in whatever she had to tell me about herself. But she obviously didn't want a friendship where she couldn't one-up the other person. We still run into each other once in a while, and we chat for a few minutes, but that's it.

And you know, after she was out of my life, I realized how much negative energy she had created for me, and how little value she brought into my life. And I was much happier.

I hope you are able to find a solution that works well for you, as mine did for me. Best of luck.
J.

Hi S., if I didn't know better I would have thought I had asked the question. I have a friend that is the very same way only I can never do anything as good as she. We used to run around all the time but in the last few years we hardly ever go anywhere together. We are still friends. I keep saying I need to go see her but evry time I do I get so up tight with all of her rightousness and can't stand to go back for a long time. I just hope she doesn't make you feel bad. If I were you do just like I do stay away from her as long as you can. Good Luck and God Be with you

lol!! S.. I'm so sorry. That is totally annoying. I am sure. This girl is insecure with a capital "I". She finds her acceptance in whatever you are doing. Strange, but take it as kind of a backwards compliment. In fact, she reminds me of a character on SNL. Can't think of the character's name right off the bat, but she "one up's " EVERYBODY! I can handle about 2 minutes of the skit and it drives me batty. I can't imagine having her as a friend.

I think she sounds like SHE likes to be heard. Not so much plugged into a "girlfriend" where you help each other out with anything type of relationship. My plan of attack would be to become a good listener and offer as little as possible. If she asks about your lack of communication, you could mention that sometimes you feel like she tries to one up instead of join in your successes. If you let her know that it hurts your feelings. You have A) been honest and B)Given put the ball back in her court. If she continues this behavior, S., she may not be the kind of friend you want to be close to. Might just have to call it an aquaintance. Friends feel each others joy, sadness, successes and failures. They are there to support, not tear each other down. Don't feel bad. You are doing the best you can. Best wishes!

I've been around people like that, and it doesn't make me feel
good to be around them, you should definitely find a friend
that is more real if you know what I mean, but it seems like
she is trying to impress you, maybe you could tell her that
she doesn't need to try to impress you, tell her just to be herself, she does sound insecure though, looking for approval.
I worked for a woman one time that was like that, it getting
really hard to take it after while, and it's frusating.
Hope you can work something out. I hope I helped you out
some.

K.

I have a friend JUST LIKE THAT!!! I'm sorry, JKJKJK, not really, I couldn't resist. I think you just need to decide if the friendship is important enough to you to tolerate the one upmanship...don't sweat the small stuff....let it go....make a game of it, think of the most bizzarre thing you could think of and see if she'll one-up-it...I'm going on a safari in Kenya in the spring...whatdo ya think of that??
Blessings
D. Easthon CD(DONA), LCCE, ELCS, CHBE, Waterbirth Credentialed, Secretary, Dayton Area Labor Support

sounds like she has issues, Quit calling her. When she asks you what you've been doing say "oh nothing". People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Dear S.,

Yikes!!!!!!

Is that enough said? Okay, so you don't like to hurt anyones feelings because your a sweet person but I have to tell you it's time to clean out your mental closet. I do this every so often in my life when someone is really getting under my skin I analyze what they have brought to the table for me. I'm a giving person and will do anything for anyone but when they don't give anything back and they have seemed to clone me, I run. I had a friend who I did not want to give up, we had fun together, we went out, we laughed, we clicked........except for the part when it came to me babysitting for her daughter without pay, driving all over Haiti and back for her boyfriend without gas money reimbursement, blah, blah, blah, you name it I did it. I laid it all out on the table and told her exactly what I didn't like and that it felt like she was using me. I also told her the aspects I did like about our friendship. I needed air and needed to not talk to her for awhile. Some people straighten up and some don't. I'm lucky, I got my friend back and she doesn't use me anymore and our friendship is stronger than ever. Don't be afraid to say things like "Wow that's weird you have family in China! Since we are friends I'm sure our family members would be too! Let's exchange addresses so they can have pen pals from the states out there." See what she says and how she reacts. Perfect time to unveil the wolf in sheep's clothing. Not that brave? Sometimes I'm not either but I have a neighbor who does nothing but lie. I get so sick of hearing her I call her on it. Make her give me details of what she's talking about and if it doesn't sound good in my book, I tell her "Sounds a little too far fetched for me to believe." Good Luck S., Hope I helped! -H.-

Dear S.,
I would be frank with your friend. Ask her why she has to out do you. If she does it with you chances are she does it to others also. Maybe she is insecure as you said.
She might need to overcome something from her past that makes her act this way. Don't do it when you're irritated with her but find a time where you can ask questions and not be interrupted. She may need to talk.

L. M.

I don't really have any advice, I can just relate. I have a friend from high school that does things similar. Only it seems that things are always worse for her. I can tell her that we are having car problems, and she totalled hers in an accident. I can say that one of the kids are sick, and hers was in the ER. I, too, don't understand this. Especially why would you want your life to be worse than someone else's? But, we wound up moving 2 states away. Not to get away from her, it was a job transfer. But, the result was the same. I still keep in touch, but it's not near the same. It does seem like maybe the best thing to do would be to cut ties. Good luck.

If that's the worst thing she does, you have a good friend and should try to keep her. I have one friend that moves her lips along with everything I say. Yes it's annoying but other than that she is an incredible person and a good friend. I'm sure I have plenty of faults that everyone could pick apart but if you want to remain friends, you just have to overlook her imperfections. It sounds like she really needs you to stay her friend so unless she's doing something hurtful or hateful, you should just accept her quirks and look for her great qualities!!

I have a friend who is the same way.
She's just a few years older than me but has 2 girls 7.5 years apart. I have 2 boys.
She has done every job known to man and lived in every state I have visited.
I think she's trying to make people think she is better than others. She always wants to critize me and my opinions like hers are better.
The only thing I do is let her have her say and stay friendly.
Good luck.

S., Hi. I am 33 and have had a friend like that since grade school. I think she is a compuslsive lier. She even named her child the name that I had picked out if mine was a boy. You just have to deal with it, confront her or end the friendship. Good luck! J.

This very issue was one of the contributing factors in my decision to end a friendship with my old college roomate. People deserve friendships that are equally balanced and not based on petty competition.

Tell her how her behavior makes you feel, but don't threaten to end the relationship. She'll just feel as if you're attacking her. She most likely doesn't even know what her behavior looks like from your perspective. If she stops the "competition," that would be great. If she won't or can't stop, then it would be time to move on.

Best of luck to you.

You really ought to watch Saturday Night Live. There is a skit with Kristen Wiig where she does the exact same thing that your friend is doing. I know that doesn't help you or your situation, but when I read your post it is the first thing I thought of. Maybe she needs to watch it...

Hello, maybe your friend wants to fit in and if she feels that she is doing the same thing as you, then maybe she feels that you will like her more. Or she could just be a habitual liar??? (smiles) The only suggestions I have is to minimize the conversations or just make general conversations. Dont always let her know what you are doing. But by you only knowing her for just a year, if you would like to end your friendship, just slowing stop the phone calls or the conversations, and slide out easily.

28yr old Single mother of 2..10 and 15 months.

It sounds to me like she idolizes you. She's using your life as a blueprint for hers. I have an aunt that's like that. It feels like every conversation is a competition. It's so frustrating! Is the on upmanship all your relationship consists of? Do you also have good times? If you don't have any type of fun with this friend, I say cut her loose. I'm betting that the relationship will fizzle out eventually anyway. She'll find someone else to idolize and you'll be yesterday's news. If this is someone that you value as a friend, other than the annoying habit, talk to her. Perhaps it's just a bad habit that she doesn't realize she has. Either way..I wish you luck.

Hey S.! I hear ya! We're too old for high school games! I would either distance yourself and talk once in a while, end it, or just realize that she's jealous of everything you have and do and wishes she were more like you! Unfortunately, people are like that! Hopefully, she won't catch you on a bad day and you blow up and ask her if her family is in China! She probably wouldn't have any idea where you were going with it anyway!

She is insecure big time and I do not think it will change so I would cool it.
Gradually let the relatnship wane.
Be polite but no more.
Otherwise it will make you crazy.

S.,

I think all of us have known someone exactly like this at one point in our lives. The only question I have is; is this a relationship you want to continue? Is it worthy of you?

If you've had enough and value your time and your family's time too much to deal with the headaches, then you'll have to find a tactful way to ease out of the relationship by making yourself inaccessable. Find more and more alone and away time. I don't think talking to her about her obnoxious behavior is going to help you, or even less, HER. She's going to stay the way she is whether or not you tell her what a pain she has been. And it's not going to change her.

But you've put a year of your life being her friend. That's a lot of time and energy to devote to something. She may be worth a little more energy. If you want to preserve this relationship, you may have to take a step back and look at her a different way. Find a way to, not exactly laugh at her, but see her in a more cartooney light. The Cliff Clavins of the world are like that for a reason. They crave attention and acceptance. It really is insecurity talking. They have to know all, be all, experience all ... and ten times better than you have. So do the eyeroll in your head, not literally, and forge on. Perhaps with a little smile.

Hope this helps a little,
J.

I would be very careful with this. I had a friend pretty much the same way. I considered her my best fried for years while everyone told me there was something wrong with the way she tried to be like me and do things like me.. I couldnt begin to tell everything she's done to me, but she did go as far as to fake a high risk pregnancy while I was pregnant and hospitalized and almost lost myself and my baby so she could be like me. It eventually got really bad to the point where she told me she wanted my life and wanted to be me. She eventually started stealing from me and my child and it just got out of hand. I finally ended the relationship at that point. I don't know if your friend would go to these extremes, but if you're feeling hesitant about the relationship already, it may be time to bring it to an end.