My Hubby Is Driving Me NUTS!!!

The best advice I can think of is for you to show him the above post. He may not realize how he is coming across.

Hi L.,

I think family therapy (or couples) is in order. He is becoming so obsessive it is starting to cause problems. Also, if he's telling people you don't love the baby enough, that's a major no-no.

V.

Remind him how you were very successful in keeping you first child alive and that you plan on doing even better this time around. LOL! Practice makes perfect...right!?!? A heart-2-heart would be a good idea. Tell him if he wants to freak out, do his research first before including/ insulting you. And like all first time parents do, he'll "grow-out" of this stage! Good luck!

LOL... I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh, but that is comical from an outsiders point of view. I get the comments too about why isn't he wearing shoes? Why does he cry like that? Is he warm enough? Cool enough? This? That? However, I would draw the line at the comments about you not caring about the baby and especially if he is telling other people that. It might get in to the wrong hands. You have got to tell him that what he is doing is not acceptable and that he needs to trust you as a mother... especially since this is NOT your first and your first has managed to make it to 9 years old (despite the 9 year olds best attempts of jumping out of trees and eating bugs). Get him to express his REAL concerns... what he is talking to you about is only covering up some deeper fear.

L. - it sounds like you and I could exchange some stories about our husbands! If your hubby is anything like mine, no amount of begging, pleading or nagging will get him to read a parenting book or sit down and listen to my feelings.

Take it or leave it, but this is what I've done: If my husband has a concern or doesn't think I'm doing things well - I hand him the phone and the pediatrician's phone number. I tell him that he's more than welcome to make a dr. appointment, take time off of work and take the kid(s) to the doctor, by himself, to discuss his concerns and have the kids looked at. He's NEVER once called the doctor and he usually buttons his lip pretty quickly as well.

Good luck!!

Dads have it really tough, and we moms don't give them enough credit sometimes. The newness of the baby starts to wear off, and then all of a sudden, they realize the amount of pressure they are under- I have to feed, house, clothe this little creature for the next 18 years, can I do it? They turn this inner turmoil outward and start to try to control these litle things... second guessing everything. The best thing you can do is to forgive him his meltdowns. You are so accustomed to doing this on your own, but he is new to the game and doesn't really know the rules. He cares, he loves you and his child. You are so blessed. Try to look at it from his point of view, and realize that he is a parent now too, and just becasue he may do something differently, he still has ideas and thoughts and is entitled to them. Use his freak outs as jumping off points for important discussions. He will calm down when he feels heard. The more you react, freak out, the more defensive he'll get. It took me until our second kid for me to get it! It is hard to hold your tongue, but at the end of the day, it is worth it, and all you give up is the opportunity for your child to hear the 2 of you argue over stupid stuff. That said, it is never OK for one parent to undermine another, especially to others. Good luck!

There isn't going to be an immediate fix, this is a terribly frustrating, irritating and maybe even hurtful thing you are going through but both you and your children will benifit from having your husband around. It may be of some help if there is a stable, "vetran" dad that he can spend time with, talk to, kinda help him learn what this thing is about. Especially if the two of them could have an afternoon with the kids at a park or something so your husband can see that kids survive cuts, scrapes and eating dirt and that it isn't anything to freak out about.

The best of luck to you!

Things can get better so don't think divorce or being single again so quickly. He needs to be takled to seriously = by you. How his behavior is devastating your relationship. How you are not a first time parent - it is him. How yes the baby is very important, but, he has to find a balance or your marriage will not survive. And most of all, he needs to talk to you about things not to other people about you. Those are private things that happen within your family and if loves you, he won't share his feelings - about what type of mother you are...to other people - especially when he is obviously irrational and not considering you at all. Good luck and God Bless You! You can do this :]

Hi L., As a mom who raises her 3 lovely and sucessful kids with what I call benign neglect ie no hovering, no over involvement,believer in natural consequences etc. who is married to a much more controlling overly concerned man (their dad) I feel your pain! For sure you guys need to go for therpay together. Try Briar Grossman in Woodland Hills, or look for someone great in your area. Remember that not every therapist is a match so if you don't get a good vibe interview another one. Also, encourage your husband to go for therapy on his own. I bet he had an overly controlled childhood. Hang in there!

I'm a single mom with a teenager(15)and a 2 yr old(both girls). I raised the first by myself and now I'm a single mom again raising them both.
I'll tell you right now---I WOULD GO NUTS WITH SOMEBODY DOING THAT TO ME. I have advise but dont know if I could follow it!
Take your husband's hand. Lead him over to where you both sit down. Dont let go of his hand. Look into his eyes, tell him you feel like he's ridiculing you every other minute. Tell him you've done this parenting thing before and low and behold nothing happened to the first one. Tell him you love him but you're getting talked down to and all negatives constantly. Ask him if there's anything you could do to help the situation. Even though it may insult you for awhile, agree to his suggestion.
???
I couldnt do it. Not after doing it alone!

Wendy

Diddo Jennifer, from an outside perspective, you have to admit it's kind of funny. The alternative being a dad who doesn't care, I think it's refreshing to hear about a dad who has a genuine consern for his child.
Although I can definitely see how it can become annoying. I would say you two are due for a heart-to-heart conversation about your feelings, maybe even a visit to the counselor if need be.
About talking to others, as much as it upsets me when my husband talks to others about our issues, he is quick to point out that I do the same. Of course, I do-I talk to my mom, my friends, co-workers, etc. I'm sure you get the point.

Make an appointment with the pediatrician. Have your DH write down a list of everything you are doing "wrong" and bring it. Let the medical professional tell him he is being nutso. And when he starts acting up again , pull out his little list and ask if you need to make ANOTHER appointment for HIM at the pediatrician's.

If he keeps making comments to other people( that's the part that would piss me off) . Tell him you are going to call Child Protective Services and let them sort it out . If he finds that idea ridiculous ( which he should unless he is completely dilusional) then explain that someone overhearing his comments could misinterperate them and make that call to CPS over those comments.

On a personal note , men suck ! I have a 10.5 month old son and to this day my husband cannot accomplish ONE task without some assistance from me. Pack a diaper bag, forgets the food, bib or bottles. Changes a diaper, forgets to get a new DIAPER. Feeds the baby , forgets how much food he eats. The list goes on and on and on. You aren't alone in being totally infuriated with your husband, they seem to get stupider as the baby gets older. Sometimes I feel like I have 2 kids in the house one's 10 months and one's 352 months old !!!!!!!!!!!

This sounds like pretty typical first time parent stuff. get him to read some parenting books or development books to help educate him on what is 'normal' and what is not. the other issue of saying you don't care about the baby is rediculous!!! you have to nip this in the bud NOW! let him know in a kind supportive tone (don't get angry or defensive this will only make things worse) that you love your baby very much as much as he does. that you understand he is feeling some anxiety about the development of the baby and here are some resources for him to learn from what to expect. let him know that it hurts you deeply when he makes comments about you not caring for the baby. let him know it hits below the belt and it is uncalled for for him to share this with others. if he feels this way it is an issue between you and he and should be kept that way. ask him why he feels this way. remain open and calm and don't laugh off or brush off his comments. if you want him to listen to you, you have to listen to him! as hard as it may be do your best to remain calm and not get defensive. getting upset will only escalate the situation into a full blown fight and nothing will be achieved. good luck!

He sounds like a first time mother.........Cut him some slack. The way to deal with issues in marriage is to negotiate. His concerns are real and need to be addressed. Your attitude is not helping, work with him and not against him. He is entitled to his concerns just as you would be if it were you with the concerns. Most husbands do not care and you are lucky that at least you have someone who really cares. Let him know you have been thru it before and you do indeed know what you are doing. Let him talk to your pediatrician about his concerns and you will be happier because the Dr will set him straight.

Maybe you should seek out marriage counseling???

Well take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I have to agree with all the other mom's who say it is time for a heart to heart talk. In his mind he thinks he is doing the right thing and in your mind it is driving you up the wall. Just set him down and say listen there are a few things that we need to work out. Don't, like another mom said, start saying that you want to be a single mom again. Just talk and if that doesn't help then go to therapy. That should work. Again take a deep breath and just try to work it out. Hope that this helps.

It sounds to me as if your hubby is suffering from "new parent syndrome" (my diagnosis). Remember, this is your second time around and you're a bit more relaxed than you were with your first child, I'm sure.

My son was doing the same thing with his newborn and it was driving me crazy because I live next door and he would call me in a panic over the smallest thing.

My solution... I had him go to the pediatrician with his son for his monthly visits. After three months, he eased off and became much less critical of his wife. He still occasionally panics and calls for me (1st time baby threw up, not spit up, he scared me half to death), but his calls have pretty much ceased and his wife is alot happier.

Good luck. Hope this helps!

L., Arn't men just fun !!!! Be sure and keep your grilfriends close at hand so you can vent your frustrations to them. Then I would ask your husband ( when your not mad at him) what does he think you are doing so wrong. Be ready to take what he has to say. Then write it down and if you think they are valid then change it. Tell him that he is embarassing you in front of your friends by saying you don't care about your baby. That is a un-kind thing to do and if he feels that way we should talk about it rather than me hearing it when you share your concerns with freinds.
Write down the thing that concern you too, so you will be prepared to stay on track when your "discussion" gets a little heated.. maybe. But don't say things you don't mean.
This is a minor dip in our road of life. But you have the dirt to smooth it out.
Good Luck
N.

Maybe your husband could take a parenting class. I would hope that they would be able to subdue his fears(as irrational as they are)by answering his questions and make things better for everyone. Be sure that you have a discussion with your husband to explain how his actions are making you feel and that you would like to try and understand where he's coming from. Then when/if you suggest the parenting class he would be open to the idea and not feel attacked.

Dear L..

I dont usually comment on these but I had to laugh and tell you that you are not alone sister. My husband is the same way. Our son is five now and he has only mellowed out slightly with his opinions and concerns. Here are some things I have done.
I have one girlfriend who has a daughter the same age so we tend to spend some time with them or at BBQs with other families. Now I try to bring up his overconcerns before he does about our son so that the other parents and girlfriend will of course comment to the group where they say "oh please they cant live in a bubble" or "there kids they have to learn somehow" and many more.
I have also talked to my husbands mother and sometimes she will do the same as the group as she would know she raised three boys to adults and they are still alive which is the comment he makes.
So now when he freaks out on me when our son wants to play in our gated back yard and I am not sitting 5 feet from him to watch him in case he sneezes or falls off his swing, because I am cooking dinner but have the windows open so I can see him, I have to either act like I dont hear his rediculous rantings or laugh because he needs to take a second and listen to himself. We still argue about it but not as much.

I think all in all it helps the best for him to be around other adults and see that they are not following behind their children with bubble wrap. I do wish you luck. Let me know it goes if you like. I would more than will be a sounding board for your frustrations.

Michele

As frustrating as that can be, your husband is just being a new dad. Maybe a little extreme at times. Considering the age of your baby, remind dad that a runny nose may indicate more than an infection, like teething. Google things he is concerned with and print them out. A gentle reminder that your other child has made it to 9 years old under your care might help. As far as him telling other people that you don't care about the baby is the greatest concern. What goes on within your family should stay there, not be broadcast to outsiders.

I know they can get on your nerves, but if he backs off and does nothing, you will be annoyed with that too. Trust me, I am there! Just try to answer his questions without killing him and he will gradually settle down. Remember, you have already done this, he hasn't.

Your husband's anxiety is typical of caring first time parents, and will go away later. And your impatience is also a sign of a caring Mom who is feeling frustrated with an intense Dad in the house. You asked how you DEAL? You do it by being nice and understanding. You need to ask yourself how many kids with no Dads in the house are you willing to have? Depending on your answer, you will know what to do next. I vote you give your hubby a break, a kiss for caring so much, and have a drink or two with him tonight! This will pass, I promise you. A :)

Your post was great to read and made me laugh. I too am in the same boat and I know when it’s happening it surely is not cute or funny as much as hurtful and infuriating. Although I have no suggestions (my hubby seems to be too stubborn to listen)I wanted to let you know it was nice to see that I wasn’t alone and I got a good chuckle out of something that is so frustrating but that I could relate to. We just had an issue last night. My 3yr old has a cold and while putting him to bed w/ the humidifier on my husband put long pants and sleeve pj’s on him. I told him it was too warm for the (80’ room and the humidifier pumping) he said well that’s how he probably got sick from being cold. After our little squabble and before I went to bed I went to check on my little one and what do you know, he had a blanket on him AND a camping sleeping bag! Hence, I feel ya. Thanks

Let the kid's doctor know your husbands worries, his mis-spoken "I don't care about the baby, and has told that to other people". Have your man take the kid to the doctor everytime he worries, let the dr reasure him, he is on a learning curve that you have already gone through. Go with him, say nothing during the exam and consultation. At the end, with the dr still in the office, have the dr reasure him that you are both doing a fine job, and don't be a worrier, all is ok.

Telling the dr is fine, overstepping and telling others is undermining your life, not nice and needs to be addressed by a counselor, sooner than latet.

E. H