My Hubby Recentlost His Job After 20 yrs.should He Still Contribute What He Prom

I guess the better question is...does he have the $ to give? When did he promise to give it? and when is the wedding?

Thanks for the update that helps us answer you better (for those that thought she gave enough info...they must not have read the ORIGINAL question).

The wedding should be far enough out that adjustments should be able to be made. Promising $30K to a wedding is a lot (even if that was the entire cost I feel it ridiculous but the fact that people do it allows the industry to continue to charge crazy prices). In the past, couples did marry younger and go straight from parents homes to their marriages so the bride's parents typically covered the cost. But being out on their own and still going that lavish seems too much. She's expecting that $30K because he promised so if it wasn't doable, he should not have promised (that's why we wondered WHEN he promised). If it was doable but isn't now, then he needs to talk to her ASAP before more arrangements can be made. Whatever you as a couple decide is reasonable is what is right for you to contribute but if you don't tell her soon of changes it will not be fair to back out later.

My husband and I got married for under $200.
Grownups should be able to pay for their own weddings.

give them 5k and call it a day.

30k my lord, that's ridiculous. That kind of money should go towards a downpayment on a house. How wasteful.

NO. He shouldn't. If they want to get married, they can go to a justice of the peace and do it. Sure, it's great to have the big party, but you are in NO position to do this. You both sit her down, give her the facts. Her wedding is not at the expense of your living and retirement. They can find a way to pay for their wedding. If you want to find ways to help, great. Do that, but only what you can actually afford.

They live on their own (together) and still expect you to pay for their wedding? You need to be planning for what you are going to do about retirement with your husband no longer working, not paying thousands of dollars for a party. If you can truly afford a few thousand then give her $5000 and say "this is what we can afford", if you can not afford that without hurting your retirement then give less. She is an adult, if she wants a big fancy wedding she can pay for it. My entire wedding, including the dress, cost under $2,000 and it was a wonderful and fun affair. There is zero reason to pay $30,000 for a what is essentially a 4 hour party, none. If they want that kind of event then they need to act like the adults they are and pay for it themselves.

It sounds like they are grown ups with jobs so they should have the wedding they can afford. I have NEVER understood why anyone would blow that much money on a 4 hour event. Health insurance is certainly a wiser investment.

This sounds like a knee-jerk reaction. Lost job - Oh no! How do we pay for the wedding?

Did your husband just lose his job (recently)? If that's the case, I'm wondering if maybe you're a little bit in panic mode. That would be a really big deal! If it were me or my husband, I would probably be thinking, "Oh my gosh! Now what do we do?" and I would start thinking about all the regular things we usually pay for with his check, anything we might be putting towards a college fund or retirement or a wedding or a vacation or whatever. This is a really big deal!

So, take a deep breath. This isn't really about a wedding. It's about how the two of you respond to a crisis. You do need to start thiking about those things, and it's ok to hold off on paying for a wedding.

Now, is your husband planning to look for another job? Is there severance pay? Do you already have money saved for retirement? Was he planning to retire anytime soon?

I wonder if you got really spooked by this job loss and immediately thought of this promise of a wedding. You do need to put first things first and focus on the most important expenses. But I would hold off and telling anyone that there will be no money for a wedding. Give it some time and see what the two of you decide to do. The answers will come.

Personally I don't think anyone should be spending that sort of money on any wedding.
I know people do - but that's just nuts.
They can elope or see a justice of the peace.
If they want some sort of unicorns and rainbows release-the-white-doves fantasy wedding - they can be the ones to go into debt to pay for it.
Where did the $30,000 number come from anyway?
I don't think that's a realistic number and I'm kind of wondering what sort of guilt made him make such a promise in the first place.
My husband and I got married for under $4000 and we had 75 people at our wedding.
Losing a job means all sorts of adjustments will need to be made.
Paying for a wedding (are they even engaged yet?) is the least of your husbands worries right now.

I'm not sure I believe this. Either $30k isn't a lot of money to you guys because you're very well off and in that case, cutting the contribution to say $20k given the change in circumstances seems reasonable. Or you're not that well off so promising $30k to begin with was foolish. Lots of people spend that much or more on their weddings but only when it's not a stretch. Or they're really foolish too. So to me, promising $30k for a one day event if that money is meaningful to you is hard to believe. So yes. Some rethinking needs to be done. Maybe your daughter will learn a lesson and not make the same mistake with her kids someday.

When is the wedding? Does she have time to change things? Are nonrefundable deposits already paid? Talk with her or both of them as adults. Hopefully you raised a daughter that will not want to put you in the poor house and will step up to the situation. You are all in a tough situation if the wedding is coming up soon. She went into this planning on an extra $30,000 and should not want to put you in debt, but would not want to go into a marriage that much in debt either. Good luck to you and your family!

I am editing my answer. He promised this money? When? What are his savings and what was his severance package? Is he near retirement age and doing just fine? Are you the daughter's mom? I think he should sit down (with your financial planner if you have one) and figure out what he is able to contribute. If you are her stepmom let her dad talk to her about this...you should stay out of it. I think it would be harsh to contribute nothing. She IS his daughter. But if say he has no savings...gambled it all away or something crazy like that and he really cannot contribute anything than so be it. But after 20 years he should have a nice amount of savings. I personally would never promise an amount as large as $30K in the first place, but as I said before I disagree with large weddings (ha, most likely this is what my daughter will want one day...murphy's law). Original answer: You both need to sit her down and explain to her what happened and that because he no longer has a job that he is unable to give that much towards the wedding. Explain your expenses if you want. Look at your finances before you do this and decide what if any you can contribute and let her know. I and many of my friends financed our own weddings...this meant small, intimate homemade weddings. Personally,this is my favorite kind of wedding. The big bashes that cost $30,000 plus are a ridiculous waste of money in my opinion. I hope your daughter can be mature and understanding like she should be.

Promised who and how? When is the wedding? Has anything yet been purchased or scheduled? I think that if a couple is old enough and mature enough to marry, they are also old enough to understand that sometimes promises cannot be kept. I'd first sit down with him to discuss the offer and what compromise can be reached. Then you and he need to talk to the couple about your financial realities so they can plan their wedding accordingly. I feel like there's more to this in the way you say "he promised" for "daughter's" wedding. You didn't say "our daughter's wedding" so is this your stepchild? Did he make long-ago promises to her or her mother? If so, that would be a whole other ball of wax, but you should still start with meeting with him re: budget and realities before he gives her any money. Circumstances change.

ETA: So it's your stepdaughter. I still think it matters if he's going over your head and making huge financial promises (much like if he bought a car without telling you that he was doing so and it would impact you financially). You and he need to sit down and continue to discuss this. Why that much? Why does he feel like he can't back down? Why is it all or nothing on your side? What has his relationship been like with her? What has yours? All of that matters.

Welcome to Mamapedia, J.!

Since this is your first post, we don't know anything about your situation. As others have said, it matters whether the wedding is already scheduled and contracts have been signed. It also matters if the daughter and her fiancé were already planning to contribute and have money set aside. If your contribution was to be $30,000, how much were they planning to put in, and was there any understanding with the fiance's family as well. If $30K was the whole budget, that's still a pricey and way-more-than-adequate wedding. If it was only part of the total bill, then maybe your daughter needs to scale back a bit. There's nothing wrong with less expensive invitations and entrees, wine vs. a full bar, something less than a $7000 dress, a DJ vs. a live band, and so on. Maybe you have a simple BBQ for out of town guests who arrive early, rather than a huge dinner, for example. A lot of weddings are totally out of hand - and there's no reason to participate in that insanity. I went to a family wedding and cannot believe the wasted money - lavish gift bags at the hotel, individual printed menus as each person's place, 100 yards of rose petals, mani/pedi/make-up for the entire wedding party and so on. There are plenty of places to cut back without anyone feeling slighted.

It also matters if your husband has good prospects and is working to find something new, if there is a decent severance package, and so on. Under COBRA, you should still get the company group rate on the medical insurance even though you have to pay the premium yourselves. So be sure you have investigated all the options and costs and that your husband has a really well-explained departure packet.

I think giving "none" is pretty extreme. Is there are reason you are so adamant about this? Perhaps there is more involved here than what you have outlined. And why is this "him" giving money and not the 2 of you? If you want to edit your question by adding more details, please feel free to do so. Just write "ETA" (Edited To Add) so everyone knows what the original post was vs. the additions, so that the answers up to now still make sense.

An expensive wedding is just a luxury. It's not necessary or needed. The answer is no.

There are a lot of unanswered questions your readers have. Does your husband still want to give her the money? Are you the one who doesn't want him to? Is he afraid to tell her?

You two have to be on the same page on this. If you aren't then there's going to be nothing but blame and anger between you two.

If the daughter is his and not yours, he has to tell her. If she is both of yours, you tell her together.

Kind of need a lot more information. If the wedding is next week, next month, heck even in this year, yes unless you just don't have the money. It just seems like an awful lot of money to promise if it is coming out of your paycheck. I mean if you have a job so good you could save and spend 30k you should have something in savings, right?

Actually nothing about this question makes sense. After 20 years there should be a severance, unemployment, all of that. You have always had your house expenses so what does that have to do with what is promised.

Did you just promise too much and need an excuse?

Is this your daughter too? Did they already make deposits? I wonder why you say "he" rather than "we" because if you are married then it's not just his $ it's yours too and a decision you need to make together.
If you give more details you'll get better advice.

no way. 30k? is the pope officiating the wedding? whether he has income or not is besides the point. who commits to shelling out 30k for a wedding? and why?

Annette D and Michelle S asked some good questions about whether this issue is even yours to decide and how much of a hole they might be in due to having paid deposits, etc already. At the end of the day, however, the fact is that his financial circumstances have changed drastically and it would make sense if he cannot fulfill that original commitment. His/your daughter will need to understand that reality.

Can't say. When is the wedding? Has she already incurred massive expenses for things that can't be changed?

It's none of my business, but I think promising $30,000 is crazy. Unless you just happened to be comfortable enough that you have it sitting around in CASH for that specified purpose and it doesn't dip into retirement accounts or anything.

You (all of you) need to sit down and discuss this like adults. She's getting married and she and her soon to be spouse are adults. Time to act like it. If something happens to put a wrench in plans, she and husband are going to have to deal with it as adults in, so now's as good a time to start as any.

Hopefully, you didn't raise a spoiled brat who will make outrageous demands lest you feel her wrath. And that you did raise a young lady with some sense and compassion, who will understand that everyone's situation has just changed (not just her wedding situation) and that in the big scheme of things, $30k for a wedding is a want not a need. (assuming the wedding isn't in 3 weeks and everything is committed financially already.)

You didn't mention how long you anticipate before your husband will find work again, or if it might or might not be similar in earnings capability. That's a factor, too, I think.

Going forward, it would probably be wise not to commit to large financial gifts to people if you don't have the cash sitting there to hand them.
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ETA
Since you added/changed your post to include some additional thoughts, let me also add this:
It doesn't sound like you were on board with promising the 30k from the start. What happened there? Is this his child from a prior relationship, or are you and husband just that far apart on an issue like this? When did he promise this to her, and why didn't you say something THEN? I totally agree with you, btw. But it's a little late in the game to say, "oh, oops, we aren't giving you any money after we promised a ginormous amount" if their wedding is scheduled in the next few months. I get that losing his job may have brought it to a head, but that begs the question... do they have a wedding date planned or not? If there is no wedding date on the calendar, and nothing has been reserved or contracted... then he goes and talks to her and tells her, gee honey, I just can't afford it. And she behaves like a grown up. The end.

Which, sounds like, you would have wanted him to do even before he lost his job. So... what was that conversation like? You did discuss this promise at the time, right?

I don't know many people getting married today who have weddings that expensive OR who have their parents pay for it. I hear a lot of the bride's parents still buying the dress and the grooms parents still covering rehearsal dinner, but that's it. Your daughter should understand, and if not, sucks for her.

We paid for our own. It can be done. hopefully she is mature enough to volunteer to give up some or all given the circumstances. Speak with her and have her speak with the vendors she has already retained about a payment plan or cancellation penalty.

Edited to add-
Ours cost >$60k. It wasn't especially big or lavish. That is just what going rates can be in the NYC area. So if you really are from the Bronx, I get it.

Good luck to you and her.
F. B.

I agree with you, but I'm not your husband.

Updated

I agree with you, but I'm not your husband.

Did you have any money set aside already for this wedding? If so you could tell them that that is what you can give to them but with him losing his job you can't promise them anything else since the future is unsure. They are old enough to understand this is an unexpected development. If he/you already had promised the money don't get into the whole part about them being old enough to cover the costs, just focus on the ''circumstances changed very unexpectedly'' part.

More information is really needed here to make any useful comments. That's a whole lot of money for a wedding! My wedding and honeymoon combined didn't come anywhere near that amount! It was a while ago but even allowing for that it wouldn't come close to that amount. Almost 21 years later, those who were there talk about how amazing my wedding was and how much fun they had. Sit down and rethink the wedding budget first and foremost. If contracts have already been signed you're locked into some things but you can often change things within the contract to bring the price down.

This is something that can't be helped. Your daughter should be understanding and take what he gives her. Hopefully she will be understanding. Good luck!!

$30,000 is a lot money. You're a married couple. Didn't you discuss this together before he promised the money to her? That's a big commitment to make without involving your spouse. Since HE made the promise, HE should have a heart to heart now with daughter about how financial circumstances have changed and see if she would be understanding as to why that isn't as easy for him anymore. The way you state "HE either gives less or none" suggests your money isn't pooled as a couple but separated out as his and yours. In that case, I think it's a lot harder to make the argument you have a say in how much if any is given.

Its this your daughter together or one from another woman?

If it is your daughter together, you and your husband have the last word. I am not sure about the adult kids from other women. Often there are crazy court orders giving these adult children rights to money. I know many are entitled to a college education if parents are divorced. Had the parents never divorced the parents are not required to pay for college. This could be the same for a wedding for all I know.

I don't really get what you mean "he either gives less or none."

Why so extreme - as in none? Could you not just contribute what you feel is a reasonable amount that leaves you in a good financial position to care for yourselves?

Sometimes life sends us a "change of plans". I would hope that she would step up and insist on paying for it themselves. If it were me, I'd try to work with her so she understands your situation and try my best to fulfill what I could of my commitment.

They want this wedding? They need to pay for it themselves or cut it back.

Tell them he lost his job and there isn't any money. They have a full year to save or get a loan.

Sorry about you husband losing his job. That being said, DH and I paid for our own wedding and were both working at the time. It was one of the nicest wedding receptions I have been to...and we worked really hard to get the best bang for our $. Like others have mentioned, it is doable. You and your husband need to talk to your daughter about this. I am sure she will be understanding.

$30,000???!!! That's nuts! We had a beautiful backyard wedding with 100 guests for $6000. My answer to your question is no, unless your daughter would like to pay your bills.

I think you have provided enough info to warrant answers. There is no need to spill your whole life for others (who never ask a personal question) to investigate.

My answer is heck no. That is a car purchase or a small home in some parts of the USA.