My Husband and I Are Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms

Wish I could help. My husband and I are so far away from each other emotionally, physically and any other way - that I have nothing. My friend said that actually a lot of people are this way - and it seems 'normal'. How sad.

K.,

Your inquiry is of such a personal nature - I hesitated - deleted the email, in fact - and then retrieved it because...

I found myself thinking what I would say, if I were to say something to such a personal inquiry. I would say that life is short. That life is about choices. And that, we (moms and dads alike) each have the power to choose what kind of home our child grows up in - it's a choice we make each and every day, as we move forward in our lives. Life never stays the same - we either create or destruct a little, each day. And each one of us is an ACTIVE participant in the process.

Plainly, as much as you allow yourself to enjoy a feeling you get when your child crawls into bed with you (a beautiful feeling, yes), it is not, in my view, a choice worth making over the choice of being with your husband, if you love your daughter as much as you say you do. Because there is nothing more rewarding to a child than to grow up in a home filled with more love, not less.

While there may be gratification in that snuggle with your daughter, when you instead put your husband first - when you are truly supportive in action and genuinely find and celebrate, in your own self, all those little things again - all those resons you have ever had, for loving and gratifying him and nurturing your bond together - you then put your daughter first in a way that is more delayed and perhaps intangible to you now, in this moment of distance in your relations with your husband - but, nonetheless, important.

I am reminded of the study that showed that those who look ahead and make choices in this way (delayed gratification), live happier and more successful lives, overall. From the bigger picture perspective, I cannot imagine your daughter will lose if you have her sleep in her bed through the night. But she will lose if you allow the deterioration of your relationship with your husband to continue - she will lose a whole piece of her life that is immensely important to HER; her father, in your life together, as a family.

K., you are doing one thing beautifully - you are looking into your daughter's face and tuning into her deepest needs. It is apparent that you are clearly aware, deep down, that she is looking to YOU - to you BOTH, to offer her the best you have, together. Unless he's a horrible, awful person (a big mistake in the first place?!)...is there any huge value in your keeping on a path of destruction in a bond so primary to her needs?

I wish you and your family greater closeness at a challenging time,
T. B.

Your 3 year old baby is telling you as clearly as she can ''' please be my Daddys' wife-- please''' -. Of COURSE the sweetness and closeness with her is easier --- for corn sake- you are perfect in her eyes- a combination of angel, and superwoman. You will rob your daughter of something she needs 100 times more than being in bed w/you if you allow this situation to deprive her of parents who are intimate and strong and resilient and together.

She's asking you, K.- to do the hard, wonderful, scary task of being part of '''' my mommy and daddy''.

I pray strength for you, dear heart

J.

First of all, you need to give your daughter more credit. She doesn't "know on some level what is going on", she just flat out KNOWS it! It sounds like she is beginning to realize that the way you live is not okay, and she has taken it upon herself to fix it. When she realized that she can't fix it, she will feel like a failure and will blame herself for the demise of your marriage. Kids have an amazing way of making everything their fault. The reason for her nightmares and need for your closeness may (or may not) be directly related to her fear that since you and your husband can't get along, that one or both of you will leave. She is scared, and very uncertain, and that can cause all kinds of nightmares and fears.
I hear you about having all your needs fulfilled by your daughter and not having anything left for your husband, and many new moms with cuddly babies feel the same way. But, your daughter is 3 and needs to be more independent. In a way, you are using her and stifling her growth by needing her so much. She may very well feel like you need her and she can't let you go because it's her job to make you feel loved.
I am really sorry about how blunt and straight forward my response is and I sincerely hope you don't take it as mean!

As difficult as it may seem to break the bond you are developing by sleeping with your daughter, if you and your husband are not having that time together, then it will effect the whole family, and that includes your daughter, as you have seen has already begun. If you want to show her a healthy marriage relationship and give her all you can, this is so important, that mom and dad love each other first, then that love spreads to your children. I have found this to be very effective for me and my relationship with my husband. When mom and dad are happy, the kids are happy. I think it would work better if you had a monitor in her room, and if she gets scared, she can call you, and you go into her room, and soothe her until she is back asleep. I believe this is the most healthy alternative. Be strong, and do what is best for your family!

What does your "gut" tell YOU about this situation?

Are you being honest with yourself? I think that you already know what is happening in your marriage and the answers are painfully inside you.

Counseling may help you to understand and work through the conflicts that you seem to be feeling.

It feels to me as if these new issues are connected to deep, unaddressed older feelings.

Chris RN

It looks like you've already gotten a lot of good advice. I understand how you feel about the intimacy with your daughter supplanting the need for intimacy with your husband. I am still nursing my 19 month old and she sleeps with us which I love. I realize though that my husband's needs for physical touch are greater than mine right now because I have all the physical closeness with our daughter. So I try to give my husband a little extra attention. Could you move back into your bed with your husband and have adult time with him while your daughter sleeps in her own bed and then let her join the both of you in the middle of the night?
You don't say what your marital problems are but I urge you to get counseling and work through it if he's not abusing you or your daughter. I divorced my first husband when our daughter was 4 years old. We had a very amicable relationship until he died 3 years ago but looking back on things I really wish I had tried harder to save the marriage. If you don't feel like doing it for you then try doing it for your daughter. With any luck you will find that your old loving feelings for your husband will return.
Good luck!

Your daughter is making you happy, but she is likely not happy and the same goes for your husband. You have no control over how your husband treats you, but if you start by sharing with your daughter the good things about her daddy, this may rub off on him. Focus on the positive, but she knows more than you think, so don't try to hide things from her.
Good luck, maybe you should go to counseling?

Since apparently there's no way to just post a new response, I'm going to leave my original letter below this one, and just edit it. I hope that's what I'm meant to do.

I'm of the opinion that you are sleep-deprived, and that you need some rest. So working things out with your hubby, and even taking in all these responses may be difficult for you until that is handled. But you've gotten fantastic advice. And your marriage should be taking more of your energy than your child's bad dreams. You are giving those dreams a HUGE amount of your life and energy, did you realize that?

As a great-gran, I may come across as being somewhat callous. But I'd like to suggest that these are just dreams, and that if you are going to expend so much of your energy on trying to "fix" them for your daughter, life is going to be truly rough for you both. Eventually, you (and she) are going to have to face the fact that you just don't have the ability to fix everything for her.

Going back to what I first told you, of my daughter's night terrors and nightmares, I am going to reiterate that unless she can TELL you what was in the dream, you need to just let her get over it by herself. Your babying her and sleeping with her and fearing for her are partially a product of your mommy instinct wanting to fight everything that can hurt her or make her cry. This is a good time for you to face your wish to do so, and get it under control. We WANT to, we WISH we could keep our loved ones from ever crying, but the reality is that if we do always make everything better for our little ones, we'll never teach them how to take care of themselves when we aren't there.

Further, your making yourself so available to your toddler is a two-edged sword for her. Any time we jump every time our youngsters whimper, we give credence to their being needy. We teach them that they can't live (or sleep) without us. We don't teach them to trust themselves. And while this may seem not so terrible right now, while she's so young, it can really backfire.

If (or when) she's able to TELL you what she dreamed, then instead of snuggling into bed with her, I suggest that you start discussing the dreams. Perhaps even tell her that dreams have meaning, and talk about it from that aspect. What is this dream teaching you? How are you going to dream it differently, next time? Why did it seem scarey? I truly believe that when we fear overly, for our children, we teach them to fear for themselves. And this may even lead to the nightmares.

Then here is another difficulty. You love this time with her, you say. I perceive this as being problematic. I can't personally imagine my loving to snuggle with my babies so much that I'd love to sleep with them nightly because of nightmares. And I'm definitely a baby snuggler. There's just not much that satisfies my need to nurture, more than having my 2-yr-old granddaughter escape her mother's apartment at 2 a.m. to come to my apt, 10 doors away, for a snuggle. But is it wise of me to allow it? Of course not. But I got a HUGE kick out of her figuring out every device we could find, and laughed with her when I discovered that she'd learned to open the window, push out the screen, climb over the sill (which was armpit height to her) and totter on the back of a bench outside her apt so she could CLOSE the window (so her kitty couldn't get out? or so mommy didn't notice right away?) We had to stop her, regardless of how much I loved her enterprising nature. And in part, I saw that just admiring how smart she was, pleased her. But for some reason, it took me a while to realize that she was therefore ALSO smart enough to understand that she had to stop.

I know that is "different" than what you're doing, but there are certain similarities. I eventually had to deal with it, for her own safety, in spite of how very special it made me feel, and how proud I was of her being so determined to figure out each new contraption.

Lastly, I'd like to add just this. When my daughter finally was able to tell me of a nightmare (and believe me, her screams sounded to me as though she was in great agony), I laughed at her. It woke her up the rest of the way, and I said (in my very best "mommy isn't gonna brook no more of this nonsense voice), "Do you mean to tell me that THIS is the kind of thing you've been having nightmares about? All this time, I've been feeling horrible and sad for you, and wished I could fix it for you, and you're bawling because you couldn't make up your mind about a comic book?" And then I laughed again, and hugged her. And guess what? She never had another nightmare. Not even one. Almost nightly, she'd been having them for six years, and overnight they were gone.

My daughter's first nightmare began when she was barely a month old. Luckily, I discovered that if I picked her up and snuggled her, the nightmare went on much longer than if I let her sleep through it, but it was only because one night I'd been busy with my 2-yr-old and couldn't do anything right away. Before I could get to her, she was sleeping peacefully. So I had long stopped trying to fix it for her, because I saw that she did a better job of it when I didn't intervene. I was lucky.

Please consider one more thing. You are going to need sleep, if you're going back to work. And it's just one more thing that is going to add to the difficulty between you and your hubby, which you right now don't apparently have the energy to work through. My advice is to get these issues dealt with, before adding another problem.

Good luck! (Thus ends this edition, lol); Silver Guardian
*****

You've gotten lots of great advice, so this is just additional thoughts to consider.

First of all, if you're jumpy about your daughter having nightmares, I suggest you do some research on it. I am a great-gran, so I tend to look back and laugh at some of the things that bothered me once upon a time. And that was one of them. My youngest had nightmares from a really young age (about three months), and I discovered that if I just stood at her bedside and watched, it would go away and she'd be fine. If I snuggled and poor babied her, or tried to get her to wake up from it, she'd get hysterical and the dream would seem more real to her.

It wasn't until she was about seven, that she had one and I was able to awaken her enough for her to tell me what it was that she was dreaming. Her sobs and screams had scared me and made me so worried for her! Still sobbing and hiccuping, just on the edge of awakening, she cried that we'd been in a store and I told them they could all buy whatever they wanted, and her brother and sister had picked out what they wanted, and she couldn't decide. And <wail> I told her we had to go <whimper, sob>.

Oh PUHLEEZE! This made me laugh at myself, of course. I'd been so worried over this baby, and THIS was what she sobbed about at night? Yeah, well it was reality for her in the DAY, too ... making a decision about a comic book or a bar of candy was totally exhausting!

When she grew up, her own son had terrible nightmares. I wouldn't have worried over them, but he remembered them and he didn't like to fall asleep. Since he was dreaming about things hurting him or chasing him (and he was also about six or seven, so I could talk to him about it), I told him how important dreams could be to us. I had read about a whole tribe of people who every morning discussed their dreams. One morning the little boy told of a tiger scaring him in his dream, and his father told him that he'd have that dream again, and to remember that he can control the tiger. So next time he dreamed it, the child dreamed that he had, by turning and shouting at it that his daddy was gonna get it! His father congratulated him, and then told him to see if next time he could scare the tiger all by himself.

For my grandson, I started giving him a toy sword or toy gun to sleep with. He occasionally had nightmares still, but he was pretty proud of taking charge of them. Today, he is the grandchild who most likely recalls his dreams and recognizes what they mean for him in life.

For you to have chosen to sleep close to your daughter, rather than with your husband, can't make your daughter feel good, let alone your husband! And to make sure you are ever closer to her whenever she cries, surely gives her the thought that you fear for her. Children generally fear what their parents fear. If you jump up and cuddle a baby who cries whenever there's a loud noise, you'll end up with a child who is afraid of the vacuum. If you grab a baby away from every person who he fears needlessly, you'll teach him that YOU fear that person, too.

Whether you are teaching her to be afraid or not, I don't know. But it seems obvious that you are afraid for her. She can't even have a dream, without your worrying. I suggest that she can walk all the way to your marital bed, if she gets upset at night. And then you need to cuddle her for a moment and gently take her back to her own. How else will you teach her that her own bed is safe? How else will you teach her that growing up isn't scarey, and dreams are only dreams?

Oh ... and on the hubby bit? Gee, sit down and tell him how silly you have been and ask if his big baby can sleep with him! I'll bet he'll laugh, and the subject may be open enough for both of you to work out, together! I advise that the two of you try harder to figure these things out together, instead of your drawing your 3-year-old in to being your best friend, instead of your hubby. That can be a totaly marriage-wrecker. I can tell from your letter that you really already know that you have to make some changes! Talk to him about it. Telling him you goofed will probably be the worst moment. And gosh. We ALL goof!

I can't believe you're putting your daughter before your husband

Hi K.,

I would have to say for you to read Barbara's post again and then read mine. My advice is more for your daughters nightmares. My daughter has been having nightmares since her father and I broke up. But not for the reasons you would think. Her father has been making her and her little brother (started when they were 3 and 5) watch bad movies (Candyland, Nightmare on Elmstreet, The Omen, etc.) with him. Yes I said make. It started out as a nightmare a week and then it progressed into 4-6 times a night! I was sooo tired, on top of working it was hard. I had to find a way to help her and me. When she had a nighmare, I would go back to her room with her and let her tell me what it was about, then I would hug her and tell her I love her and ask her what her favorite thing is and then have her think about it while she was going back to sleep. When this didnt help her anymore I gave her some framed photos of butterflies ( her favorite) and her horse stuffed animal for her to look at and cuddle with while she put herself back to sleep. When that didnt work anymore and she talked about ghosts and monsters coming to get her and all sorts of things, I told her that the ghosts and monsters were afraid of mommy and that mommies house was safe. Eventually that didnt work either. I dont know if you are religous at all, but the only thing that I found that works is to give her a rosary to go back to bed with. Then I have her promise me that she will close her eyes and keep them closed and give her her horse, some more hugs and kisses and tell her I love you and good night. The way that I introduced this was to show her the rosary during the day and to ask her if she trusted God and whether or not she thought he would keep her safe. She is now 9 years old and still has atleast one nightmare a week. I try to also eliminate any telivision, movies, or books that have anything remotely near a scary or spookyness to them. This seems to help give her less fuel for her nightmares.

If you would like to ask me about any of this please email, I would like to help if I could. I know how rough it can get and that sometimes it feels like you are fighting a losing battle.
Stefany

I second what Judy C said!!

Every time she gets in bed with you, in another room, she knows you aren't sleeping with your husband--which she probably knew was what Mommy & Daddy did before this new arrangement.

You also mentioned she's having nightmares, have you thought that this may be stemming from stress she's having about what she's feeling at home? Since you stay home with her, it might have changed your "vibe" on a daily basis, not just when your husband and you have fought.

As for enjoying the intimacy with her, of course you do! Your relationship with her is much less complicated at this point (just wait!) than with your husband. Isn't it easier deal with a sleepy, cuddly toddler than it is a lack of passion (and other issues) with your spouse?

The big question you need to ask, is DO we fix things? Are you going to be happier if you work with your husband, get some counseling, and work towards repairing your marriage--or, are you going to be happier if you separate and go your separate ways? What would be best for all of you?

You didn't mention specific types of things you fight about, and that might not even matter in the big scheme of things. But lots of times when my husband and I argue, we later realize that the main issue was communication. We've also had our time without much intimacy, mostly due to being wiped out by our jobs and our toddler! Sometimes we realize that we have gone a long time without that intimacy but our recognition is mutual...and we remedy the situation ;)

I hope you and your family are able to get through this rough spot and move forward together!

Kasja,

It seems to me there are two different issues here. One is your relationship with your husband, and one is where you sleep. Your relationship with your husband needs your attention and priority - go to counseling, spend some time alone together, get support, whatever you need to do to find each other again and restablish your bond. You owe this to yourselves as well as your daughter.

As to whether or not then that you sleep with your husband all of the time.... that's a different story. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage but I can't abide his snoring nor his television habits, so I usually cuddle with him for a while at night after our daughter is in bed, then go to the guest room to sleep once he falls asleep. Then if my daughter wakes up in the night, I am much closer to her. Sometimes she comes into bed with me too in the early mornings, and I love, love, love this time with her. There have been times when I felt much closer to her than him... but I recognize that this is just a very short-term circumstance and it's better for everyone that she sleep alone in her own bed as much as possible.

It sounds like you need nurturing, and it's not your daughter's, or even your husband's job, to do that for you exclusively. Find the passion in your life for YOU - not just for your husband or daughter - but find what makes you excited and enthusiastic and involved. Then find a way to include your family in that. Good luck.

I think the nightmares might of been triggered by your daughter noticing the tension. I know when my ex and I were having trouble that it affected the three kids all in a different way. Kids need to feel that everything is ok and stable. I too absolutely loved the time with my children at this time (more so than usual). But I think if you want to try to stable things and go back to the masterbed is a good start. Your daughters nightmares may start to subside when she sees mommy amd daddy back in the sae room. I am trying to say this without stepping on toes!! I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

You don't say what your issues are with your husband, and obviously these are personal to you. I would address that first, then you will find that the issues of your daughter's sleeping habits are easier to solve.

I also have three children, the youngest still co-sleeps on occasion and I absolutely understand this wonderful snuggle time...nothing like it in the world! But he co-sleeps with both my husband and I, and we don't use him to avoid or replace intimacy with each other.

One book I read that really helped me is "Babyproofing Your Marriage". It might have something for you in it.

My guess is that your husband misses you, and wants to fix things. Just a hunch.

My husband was married before me with two children. His ex-wife left because it was "a good marriage, but not great". If only she knew the ramifications that would have on her children (my stepkids). She did not protect her children and put them first, which is our jobs as parents above ALL else! She instead did what she wanted, on a lark. Now she is remarried with more kids, BUT she still wanders on at times about how she should have stayed married to my husband, "those were the days", and maybe they could get back together. Obviously she doesn't even know why she left. All I can say is it was the worst thing she could have ever done to her children's self-esteem, even at this point which is over ten years later.

I am not saying divorce is not appropriate in certain situations. But you should think long and hard about how to proceed for your daughter's sake...please! If there is an iota of relationship to work on, give it a go and get some counseling! Best of luck to you.

What are you going do when your daughter is 18, not three and you still don't have a good relationship with your husband? Do you want to be middle-aged and all alone? Don't put your husband on the back burner. Do whatever you can to mend your relationship with your husband. You and him deserve it almost as much as your sweet little girl does.

I believe the nightmares and insecurity stem from the marital issues. ALL children innately know that their life balances on the relationship between their mother and father. The best gift you can give your child is a happy marriage. Do everything in your power to mend the marriage and everything else will fall in place.

In reading your story, I find myself agreeing with those who say that you need to work on your marriage. Even during the daytime, try to make yourself more available to your husband in any way that you can.

I also am wondering why your daughter can't crawl into bed with both of you? My husband and I co-sleep with our two girls so we're all in the same bed. It makes, um, intimate moments a bit more challenging, but more exciting too which adds spice to our marriage.

Would your husband be open to both of you joining him in the master bedroom? Is there any way to move your daughter's room or bed closer to the master bedroom? Maybe you could all move to the adjacent room while your daughter is still so young. As she gets older, it'll be easier for her to go further to the master bedroom even after having a nightmare.

I don't think you should require your daughter to sleep in her own bed before she's ready - she will only be small for a short time, but I do think that there is some middle ground here between being a full-time mom or a full-time wife. I really think that you need to talk to your husband, tell him you're committed to finding a solution, and figure something out that works for you both.

Best wishes!
~B.

K.--

I speak from pieces of the same situation you are in, although my husband moved out two+ years ago and we recently completed the legal divorce ... of course _now_ he is reevaluating his decisions! (OY!) Talk about a difficult negotiation of whether to return to sharing a bed! Talk about the potential for confusing the kids!! ACK! As awkward as it is, I have had to expose the delicate situation to a couple of close friends--because we need PRAYER!!

One thing I can say (without the divorce-level of complication), is that another way to consider your sleep-location priorities right now is that your daughter probably NEEDS a parent right now, and your husband is a big boy (I hope ;) ) and should be able to understand that if you want to be sleeping with him, but you guys need to make another choice right now to set your daughter up on secure footing for the Rest of Her Life, well, he should be able to handle that. As long as there is an understanding that your daughter is expected to gain security and then transition to sleeping on her own, and you guys would transition to sleeping more completely together.

When my husband was still here, I found it fairly effective to get the kids to sleep, go to bed with him, and then move to whatever kid-bed needed a mommy-snuggle when and if the kid woke up crying. (Lots of nights this meant musical beds.) This would be after they got old enough to not be co-sleeping anymore--around 14 or 18 months. Most nights, some other kid would wake up for a diaper change and go back to sleep easily enough that I outlasted them, and then I would move back to the big bed.

About the night terrors, I want to suggest a thing which I only figured out about myself recently, but it sure applies to my mom and my older daughter and some other women I know: our society tells women to be strong, and labels women as the emotional providers of security ... but there is a kind of security a girl should naturally get from her father (and if her father doesn't give it, she will instinctually seek it in other men or boys). It may be that these night terrors that you are giving so much of yourself to soothe, can only truly be addressed by being held and held and held by Daddy. This was a mistake I made as a mother (as did my mother before me) ... and my oldest daughter is still unfulfilled, and looking to me for that security, which I have finally(!) figured out I simply cannot give her. I am not capable. It is not something that I, as a woman, have the ability to do. (Now I have the extra-fun job of trying to explain to her father that he didn't give her (or me) something she needs, and he HAS to give it to her now so she doesn't go further with her inappropriately strong crush-obsessions ... and BOY I am glad I have a logical explanation for those now, too!)

I hope some of that helps. I tried to listen to your "what happened" as well as your original request.

1. Get a babysitter
2. Make a date with your husband
3. Go see FIREPROOF movie
4. Go for coffee and talk
My husband has been SO attentive, talkative and thoughtful after watching that movie. It was pretty awesome.

Do you WANT to re-ignite your passionate intimacy, if so and if you are religous at all, start to praying for your husband. Ask that he be blessed with less stress at work, the ability to communicate with you, etc. Whatever will help him. It is impossible to not love someone for whom you pray. But sometimes you have to start praying first. :) And do things for him...

It is lovely to cuddle with someone that has no issues and loves you unconditionally. But remember you married your *husband* for better or for worse. And just a thought... if you end up getting divorced, you aren't going to be able to spend very much time with her at all. You are blessed to be a SAHM. Decide what you want and then do everything you can to obtain it.

Pray like everything depends on the Lord and then act like everything depends on you.

Get back in bed with your husband. It is not ok to replace that with your daughter. You love her and want to be there for her but the best thing you can do for her is to love her daddy. Without that all the cuddling in the world from you is not good enough. From your question it sounds like you know where you should be sleeping. Kids are so bright and get things that we don't sometimes. Every time you don't sleep with your hubby it sends a message to him and your daughter that he is not your first priority and he needs to be. To be a good mommy you need to first be an awesome wife.

If you shut your husband out of your intimacy, and no longer can get that type of connection with you, he will eventually find it with someone else. I know, I have been there. You need to find a way to reconnect with your husband as lovers so your family can stay strong. Your child understands more then you give her credit for, and sleep disturbances are a common way for young children to deal with the stress of unhappy parents. If you need help, counseling can be a wonderful and helpful tool.

Seek some marital counsel.

Sometimes it's harder to balance oneself being a SAHM. I am one and miss working life, miss my girlfriend life, etc. We are doing what's the best for our kids and should get all the support from our husband and family. I don't know what's the cause of your marriage problem, but when you don't feel fully yourself, it's hard to deal with even the small problems. If going back to work part-time empowers you and bring you back to your full self, you should do it. Whatever the problem, I assume your husband should take responsibilities too. So please talk to him and tell him what's bothering you. He needs to support your feeling and your plans to bring you back (and to bed too).

As for letting your daughter sleep with you, well, you are probably drawing strength from her through this difficult time. She comforts you and you feel closer to her. But it's a fine line that you are walking, she is learning to be sympathetic but she can get hurt too. Better keep her in her room and resolve your issue with your husband very soon. Good luck to you.

Get some counseling. Get back in the master bedroom even if you and your husband are not emotionally together. It makes a big difference to your child. She will still feel the tension, but she will feel like things are not as bad if you are sleeping together. Even at that young age, she knows that you used to sleep together in the same room.

When she tries to crawl into bed with you, instead take her back into her room and crawl into bed with her. I'm assuming she has a twin or toddler bed so that makes it uncomfortable and less tempting to spend the whole night together. That way HER bed becomes her safe haven, not another bed. Not your bed. What I still do is not even crawl into bed with my kids, but get a blanket and sleep on top of the covers so that I don't get too cozy and eventually return to my bed either after my child is calm or back to sleep.

Keep your master bed for you and your husband only, your daughter's bed the place where SHE sleeps and where you and your husband comfort her, and the spare bed for guests or when you or your husband need time away -- for whatever reason.

I remember when I was a kid and wanted to crawl into bed with my parents. (It seemed like an adventure and I loved the safe feeling.) One day, my father said, enough and told me I was welcome to sleep in the room if I was scared, but I had to do so on the floor. Their bed was for the two of them, it wasn't my bed. You can bet, that was the last time I sought comfort in their room. I decided my bed was more comfortable than the floor and I wasn't really that scared afterall. (Of course I was older than a 3-year-old when he did this.)

I relate to much of what you said, but I have got used to sleeping apart from my husband cos we had 2 little ones, a year apart, who used to wake often, and he had to work, so I sleep near them with the monitor on. You said your daughter was 3 and this started 2 months ago, atleast thats what I understood. I don't like it that I don't sleep with my husband but this has been the way, otherwise he doesn;t sleep and can't operate his business that feeds us. But you are talking about a more recent change? And you like it that your daughter comes to bed with you, maybe because you are growing apart from your husband and so she is fulfilling this gap? I am sure there is alot more to it. As you said, your daughter is noticing it. Personally, I think you should get some marriage counselling. My partner resisted this for a while, said we couldn;t afford it. Turns out it was the best investment we have made.