My Husband Expects Me to Choose Between Him and My Family.

Honeslty I could not see myself going to the wake of the father of my brother in law, how well did your sister or sister in law even know your husbands father? I am sorry your husband felt unsupported by your family but this is not an issue to cause major family problems over, it just isn't, and your husband is being extremely unfair to you. I would take a stand with your husband and tell him you will not allow his hurt feelings to ruin your relationship with your sister and other family members.

The essence of the problem is in your first sentence: "My husband is very insecure."

There are many reasons why people don't go to wakes/funerals, and I think it just adds to the pain if you try to analyze it too much or weigh what's a "good" reason against what's a "flimsy" reason. They didn't show, and you're disappointed - that's what matters.

But your husband wants you to fight his battles for him instead of dealing with his own problems with his father and his insecurity. He sees you taking on your family as a test of your love for him.

But your marriage, according to you, has major problems. So focus there. Yelling at your siblings won't fix those things, and won't fix your husband's insecurity. There is nothing you can do to fix his emotional and confidence problems. He needs counseling, and you need counseling to help deal with it. I would do some couples work and some individual work, given the severity of this situation (and not just related to the funeral). Your husband had a crappy upbringing and you have also had a lot of losses. All of those problems are going to spill over (or already have) into your marriage.

If your husband wants to express his emotions - then he should do it himself and not ask you to be his interpreter to anyone else.
Your husband being mad at you for your sister not going to his dads funeral is displacing his anger onto you.
Grieving is tough - there's no right or wrong way to do it.
But sometimes a grieving person feels so badly they want to pick a fight with anyone so they can avoid their sadness for awhile by feeling angry.
My mom was like this when her partner died.
My uncle did it when my grandfather passed away - showed up to the viewing roaring drunk and was shouting at the funeral director trying to pick a fight.
A grief support group might be a good thing for him.
And a counselor for you to talk over things like this would be good for you.

Your husband is grieving. Put everything else aside.

Gees.. even tho his family dynamic was not perfect, he lost his dad. He is hurt and it effects all people in different ways.

I don't understand your family playing into it that much unless some drama was made that people would be there then they weren't which would be hurtful.

There's more to the story here but as a wife who lost a husband after 30 years together... please support your husband during his difficult time. He needs you.

Hopefully your family drama won't continue to damage your relationship.

I'd do anything to have my husband back... even with whatever crappy baggage he might have had.

He is grieving. He is hurting. Just be sympathetic for now and give him extra love and support. Ignore his requests for you to cut off your family. Just tell him you are so sorry and you understand he is hurt. Do have talks with your family members about how much them not going hurt him...that he is extremely hurt over it and you are hoping that this will be resolved. It took my husband a year to start acting normal again after his dad died. It was a VERY hard time for him. Hopefully in a year or so your husband can be more reasonable about this and you can talk to him about it.

I think your husband is upset from the loss of his Dad and is taking it out on you (your family) like redirecting his anger over his Dad's passing to you. Hearing of his, I'm sure, bumpy childhood maybe he never got a chance for closure. I agree with you tho....your siblings know your upset but there is no point of rehashing it now. Your husband has to get passed it and see the bigger picture here. You need to cherish the family that is here. I'm sorry you both have gone thru so much loss. Maybe your husband just needs to talk to your siblings himself saying he was disappointed in them for not being there and he may feel better and you can all get past this. Hopefully he will come around.

Welcome to mamapedia!

I'm sorry this is going on. it's not fun losing someone. Especially after TRYING to mend fences.

Your husband is GRIEVING. Tell him to breathe. It's tough losing a loved one. Being mad at them will NOT change his father's death nor will it change anything, except for him to have extra baggage.

Your marriage needs help - lots of help. You both need counseling. You cannot walk on egg shells and your husband needs to stop pushing you get other people upset because they didn't show (and 9PM is VERY LATE for a wake). You can tell the family members you missed them at the wake and be done with it. It's NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

You drove 8 hours to a nieces birthday party? Yeah. i'd be a tad pissed too. that's a hell of a trip for a birthday party.

Get into counseling. Figure out WHY you are the one working on it and your husband is not. You said in your post - "I have been trying desperately to make things work" - well is HE trying to make it work too or is he trying to make you his welcome mat? Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. it's not a contest - it's a PARTNERSHIP.

WHY are you with him?
WHY do you TRY desperately to make things work?
WHAT DOES HE DO to make the marriage work?

Tell your husband that he is upset. You understand that - but in the overall scheme of things? Getting EVERYONE mad isn't going to change things or make it better. What does he expect from them? An apology? Maybe they should apologize - that would be the right thing to do. Find out what he wants to happen. Does he want a family feud? Is that what he really wants??

Remember he is grieving too. That makes people do and say stupid things.

I think it was inconsiderate of your family to no-show. Your family owes him an apology.

I also think it was inconsiderate to leave your husband for the day on Saturday when he is in acute grief and he needed you - after all, his dad died just a week ago. You owe him an apology.

It doesn't sound to me like he expects you to choose between him and them. It sounds like he would like an apology because in his hour of need, you and your family are thinking of everyone except him. I'm sure that realization was really cutting for him - to realize that he means to little to all of you. If you explain to your family that he is really hurt that they did not come, would they really quarrel with you instead of apologize? If so, they are pretty cold-hearted people.

I think it was nice of your sisters to consider going, but should not be punished for not getting there. Life happens. Would your FIL have really cared? Would your FIL have gone to your sister's wake? You and hubby have issues--you/he can blame it on the death, your siblings, the weather, or anything else, but you need to take ownership and deal with it!

You need to stop and remember that your husband has gotten a terrible shock with his dad passing away. He is not thinking straight. Or if he is, he is wrong to say you have to give up your family.

You said that your family members already know you are upset with them for missing the wake. That's enough. You've told them. Now your husband needs to start dealing with his father's death. Instead, he's fighting with you.

So he needs to get a grief counselor. That's the first place to start. Don't get into arguments with him about your family right now. Don't agree to not see them. He doesn't have the right to tell you that, but you don't need to get into it with him right now. Just tell him you've already told them how you felt about them not getting to the wake, and tell him that's all you're going say to him about it, and no more. After a space of time, maybe he'll feel better.

You don't have to do a bunch of stuff with your family right now, right after your father-in-law died. Spend time with your husband and understand that he needs you right now.

get hubby some therapy to help him thru this, the therapy will help with the insecurities and then you can join the therapy and work on your relationship with him but for now he needs the most help.