My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, and over the past year, our sex life has gone from excellent (multiple times per day) to absolutely non-existant (it's been six weeks now and counting....). Over the past year, he has completely lost interest and even gets annoyed with me when I try to initiate it. At first he made excuses (stress, various pain, etc.), now he just tells blows me off in a very passive agressive way. My husband is older than me (he's 42, I'm 27), so I'm really beginning to question if this is normal for a man of this age?
Finally, last night, discovered what the problem was. He initiated sex but at the time we should have 'connected', I realized he didn't have an erection. He was clearly embarrassed about it. I gave him oral for a while and that worked, and then we were able to proceed. I really feel like this is the problem (although all these other things like trying something new and working on other areas of our relationship might also help). Knowing that this is a medical concern of sorts really makes me look at this differently, and feel like this is something that is happening to both of us, not that he's angry at me or I'm doing something wrong. I am going to encourage him to see the doctor and meanwhile, if giving him oral is the key to reviving our sex life, I'm all for it :-)
It is definitely not normal for a man "of this age." I know at 27, 42 seems old, but it's not, especially in terms of sex. My hubby is mid fifties and he can't get enough! LOL! He should probably see his doctor - could be low testosterone or something like that. Maybe he's experiencing ED and is embarrassed.
I think when men get older they lose a little interest in sex. But that is an extreme jump several times a day? who has time for that in regular married life. Maybe he just takes a break here and there.
I would say this is not normal at 42 (unless he really has a health issue like a weak heart or something similar). Sounds like something else is bothering him – how difficult for you that he refuses to talk about it. Maybe it’s time to get a therapist involved? Or try talking about other issues that may be bothering him without reference to sex? It is certainly a warning sign in my experience. Good luck!
No--I wouldn't say its normal. My husband is going to be 53. Still very interested in sex...
That said, I think all marriages wax and wane with lots of sex, lack of sex. Life happens. People are busy, stressed.
Spend date time together--with no pressure to end the date with sex.
Good luck!
No - not normal. Something's wrong.
Either it's a medical problem or he's getting sex somewhere else. If you two aren't fighting all the time and he is punishing you, then there is nothing else left.
Sorry. Not a good thing to have to hear. Get him to the doctor. You are too young to live like this for the rest of your married life.
No it's not normal, but neither is doing it several times a day. Even those of us who love sex have jobs, kids, housework, friends, hobbies and many other things to do.
Maybe the poor guy just needs a break.
But honestly if you guys can't even talk about it like mature, caring partners then you have bigger problems...
i think the passive-aggressive response, and the fact that the two of you aren't discussing this in a non-accusatory open fashion, is far more worrisome than the lack of sex. he should probably discuss this with his doctor (assuming it's not something like having an affair), but the two of you should also be exploring finding better ways of communicating.
to answer your question, no, it's not 'normal'. my husband is more than a decade older than yours, and while we're long past the multiple times per day (thank all the gods), we never go for weeks without some delicious scrumpage.
khairete
S.
No not normal. Time for him to have a conversation with his doctor.
My husband is 48 and I can tell you it's not normal. He needs to go see a doctor.
B.
Welcome to mamapedia!!
What changes have you had in your life over the last 3 months?
No, this is NOT normal. Is he willing to go to the doctor and get checked out? He might be having low testosterone or he could be suffering from depression.
How many kids do you have?
Does he have a lot of stress in his life - work related?
What's your communication like? Have you TRIED to talk with him about this?? His passive/aggressive isn't going to work forever.
I'd love to hear his side of the story. You really need to communicate with him...don't accuse...tell him how you feel. I feel neglected....or however you are feeling about this...if you guys can't communicate?? You have bigger problems than not having sex.
There is a lot that contribute to not wanting sex....for some men? Not being able to get it up leads to depression...and it becomes a vicious cycle. IF he has prostrate problems? It could lead to impotence as well....
worst case scenario?? He's having an affair.
worst case health wise? He has prostrate cancer and won't get it taken care of.
Good luck!!
Low T. Google it and read up. It's VERY common and very treatable.
You guys need to talk.
A marriage counselor might help.
It's not reasonable for you to be done having sex at your age and if he is done, then you need to question what sort of future this marriage has.
The communication needs to come first and then if you decide to stay together he needs to see a doctor and determine what the problem is.
Maybe it's something fixable and maybe it's not.
I don't always think low testosterone is the go to answer.
Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's ED, maybe it's prostate trouble, maybe he's gay.
(Yes, gay is a possibility - I've got a distant family member who left his wife when his kids were grown and married his boyfriend.)
You both need to communicate with each other and figure out what to do and where to go from here.
Not normal.
Is he protective of his phone at all? (never out of his hands, pass codes that you don't know). If he is - affair. If he isn't, then I would try to encourage him to see a doctor.
Not normal. Possibly medical, and could be things other than low testosterone. Thyroid problems, diabetes, heart disease, and high blood pressure can all interfere with male libido and function. So can depression. Depression would also explain the behavior toward you. It's time for him to see a doctor. It was because of sexual problems that got him into the doctor's office that my husband first learned that he was diabetic.
Also, some of his reticence to even engage in sex may be embarrassment because of ED. He needs to know (probably from a doctor rather than you) that if that is the problem, it is treatable. Viagra and its pharmaceutical cousins work quite well for many men.
Not typical.
Men this age generally don't stop wanting sex unless there is a medical issue or they are getting it from someone else. However, I think multiple times a day isn't too normal as well. So maybe your expectations are too much and his is exhausted. I do think you both need to sit down and have a discussion.
FYI - 42 isn't that old. =)
Is it just sex that he has lost interest in or is it doing anything with and hanging out with you?
Two separate issues. Do you two still hang out and have fun together and enjoy each other in non-sexual ways? Or is it that all gone also?
42 is young - but it could be testosterone issues; stress; male menopause.
When was his last physical? A check up may be in order.
How is his work? How are his stress levels? Have the household finances changed? Do you have young children at home?
Basically, has there been any significant changes to his/your life/lives in the past year?
What do the two of you do to stay connected?
Talk? Date night? Run errands? Exercise? etc.
Does he feel like he can not please you or keep up with you?
Back off from asking for sex. Let him relax about it for a bit..I know, contrary to what you want. But he knows you are not happy about your sex life. Knowing that is going to make him feel bad and associate sex with negative emotions with you. Then it all becomes a cycle that he is unable to break. So, back off....focus on enjoying his company...give him love - let him know that you love him. Strengthen the foundation that you have with him.
I would highly suggest he see a doctor about this, there are many medical conditions that can lead to low sex drive in men. I know many couples that have been helped by testosterone. I would also consider marriage counseling to help you both be better able to communicate, learning to be more open and honest without judgement helped our sex life grow leaps and bounds. I would not say it is an age thing, 42 is still very young and many people enjoy an active sex life well into old age. If he is unwilling to seek help you have to decide what you need to do next, accept a life of no sex, end the relationship, open it up to additional partners, ect. Only you can know for sure.
Something is bothering him. Now you just need to try and determine what that is. How's your communication? Can you talk with him about it? That's the first place i'd start.
My husband is 48 and I can tell you it's not normal. He needs to go see a doctor.
My first thought is affair. A typical man that age just does not stop having sex unless he's getting it somewhere else or has a medical issue. So either check on his phone for something he's doing you don't know about or send him to the doctor. Good luck.
A wise friend once told me if he is not having it with you he is having it with someone else. I thought my 42 yr old husband was depressed and I went crazy trying to figure it out. Turns out he was having an affair. Could be the issue if it is not truly medical.....
This is NOT normal behavior. As others have said it could be one of three things or a combination of them all.
The problem could be medical, physical or psychological. He could be having an affair or he could just be having some medical issues. I would begin to address this problem by looking into the medical. Schedule a doctor's appointment for him and you tag along for the ride. If he refuses to go to the doctor then the problem may not by medical at all and you will need to decide and determine how to proceed forward with the best plan for yourself.
Just let him know that NOT having sex isn't working for the marriage and if he does have a medical issue you are willing to work with the reality of that but this not talking about it and not seeing the doctor and not having sex with each other will stop. Counseling may be in order as well. If he shuts you down or shuts you out you should seek counseling with or without him to help you through the nexts steps for support in the decisions you will need to make.
Probably. His hormone levels are most likely changing.
If if if he's got something else going on he may not want to fix this.
If he's interested and wants to be intimate again he needs to go to the doc and have a check up. He might have a very good medical reason that needs to be treated.
He might just be bored due to nothing you've done specifically. It might just be a burnout unformatted. But the flame can evacuation come back!
Could drugs or alcohol be dulling his desire to have sex? A very common problem.
