My Husband Is Unfair with My Son.

I *was* your son, to an extent.
It was a great, happy day in my life when my mother finally divorced my stepdad. That said, their 6 years together and constant scapegoating (and all that goes with that) did great damage to me by the time she finally decided to leave. It took a lot of counseling as an adult to heal. It also came with a lot of anger with my mother for watching me go through this and making me endure it because she didn't want to leave him. I was sacrificed for her supposed 'happiness'. I'm telling you this because your son *will* remember later on what you did and didn't do in regard to his well-being.

I strongly suggest couples counseling and then, if you (and the therapist) feel it would be productive, family counseling. I give the caveat 'if you feel it would be productive' because family counseling was used as an opportunity to dump on me in front of everyone (my siblings, steps+whatnot). Make sure it will be emotionally safe for your son.

You can't change who your husband is or how he behaves-- he has to want to change this himself, for the sake of your happiness, your son's wellness, and family harmony. If those things don't matter to him, it's time to make some hard changes.

Just me, but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than sacrifice my son's self-esteem for a relationship with another person. Some things are non-negotiable. This is one of them.

I'm a stepmother of 2 (my husband had 2 when we met) and I'm a mother of 1 (with my husband).

I'd like to urge you to rethink your position on step-parenting. Your stepdaughter visits during school breaks, period. She has a mother. You must honor that and stop seeing her and referring to her as your daughter. She's not. You are doing the right thing trying to build a relationship with her, and that's good if you have some one-on-one time together. It's good that you love her and try your best with her. But you don't have the right to discipline her. You can, and should, intervene in a dangerous situation, of course (crossing the street, wearing a seatbelt if you're out together, etc.). If she's rude to you, you can let her know you don't appreciate the disrespect. But overall parenting comes from her father and her mother. This child has a big adjustment when she leaves her primary home, and you can expect some negative behaviors each time she is uprooted and brought to your state.

I don't know if your son's father is in the picture, but if he is, the same principle applies to him.

I think your husband has an unrealistic and unhealthy view of parenting and step-parenting as well. He wants to be Good Time Charlie to his daughter, and he wants to be either invisible or Simon Legree to your son. She doesn't need a "friend" - she needs a father! And that's not easy work - he has to be firm, consistent, and a good role model, not just the vacation party dad.

I'm very bothered by the "all hell breaks loose" comment and I think you need to take a good hard look at this dynamic in your home all the time, regardless of whether his daughter is visiting.

I don't understand the "excellent husband" and "treats me really really well" evaluation, either, because it seems to me that your husband has zero interest in parenting and in being married to a woman with a child. He "coexists" with your son, which is patently unhealthy and it's completely disrespectful to you. Moreover, when you raise concerns about being disrespected by his daughter, he adds on more disrespect instead of treating you like his partner and his equal. So he's not treating you well at all - if he's supporting you with a good job and buying you jewelry and patio furniture, that's not what matters.

So, bottom line: you have a marriage problem, not a child problem. Please get immediate couples counseling. If he won't go because he doesn't see a problem, then go by yourself (and twice as fast because your problem is even deeper than you think). You both need to wake up to the challenges of marriage, parenting and blended families - what's realistic with kids coming/going, what needs to happen when there's a disruption in the daily dynamic, and what needs to happen on an everyday basis to make this a healthier living environment for your impressionable 7 year old child. This is not a fairy tale fantasy "one big happy family" sitcom - this is real life. It honestly doesn't sound to me like your husband is all that interested in the work involved, and while you are clearly alert to what your child is experiencing, it doesn't sound to me like you are really clued in to the difficulties in establishing a routine and shared parenting views.

Please get help - I can tell you from experience that this isn't going to get better if you just keep talking to your husband and hoping he will change his view.

I was you 12 years ago, except we also had two kids together (well technically when the two oldest were 7 we had a 1 year old and another on the way). We're divorced now.

If I had known how my husband was going to treat my son before we had kids together and became too financially enmeshed with a mortgage and childcare to exit without a ton of financial pain, I would have ended it way back then. My ex stole my son's childhood from him. He was always confrontational with him instead of warm, suspicious instead of supportive, hostile and distant instead of being "dad." My ex and his daughter moved out when the oldest kids were 17. He literally chose her over us (she had decided that our house was too stressful and moved in with a friend...instead of making her come home and deal, he rented a condo for the two of them and that was the end of our marriage).

If you are planning on having kids together...hold of until things change. You can't go "all in" with this guy if he doesn't warm up to your son. It's not fair for your son to feel like an intruder or a nuisance of just someone to be tolerated in his own home. He should feel loved and valued by everyone there.

I think that you should do family counseling before you have any kids together. Get a sense of whether or not he is committed to building a family with ALL members or if he's just going to "tolerate" your kid while adoring his own. If he's a good guy and willing to recognize his shortcomings and overcome them, great. If this is just who he is, move on.

I feel really sorry for your son. I don't think you said here how many years you've been married, but I think that your son thought he was actually going to have a daddy, and your thought that because he had a child of his own, he would be father material for your son. You were wrong.

I don't know how long you have been married, but if I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider calling it quits. Your son will grow up feeling "LESS". And I really mean that. He won't have love for a wife, or for his own children because of the example you are letting him live, everyday, with this man. Your husband is and will continue to be a very poor example of a father. And if you stick with it into his teen years, they may end up fighting with each other.

Again, I feel really sorry for your son.

You sound like a lovely woman who married a man who is a poor match for you. You're also making excuses for him, which shows that you love him. However, he is NOT an excellent husband. He's just okay, at best. If he was excellent, you'd have no reason to write about how he mistreats your kid.

Additionally, you're a bit deluded about your stepdaughter. Yes, treat her fairly and with love, but stop pretending that she is yours. You know better and so does she.

Counseling, if he will go. Divorce if he won't. Your love is not enough. It will never be. You have to put your son first and your marriage as it exists today is not in his best interest.

I'm struggling to see how he is an excellent husband when he doesn't appear to try for a better relationship with your son.

Also, you said "all hell breaks loose" when your son does something wrong. Your son is only 7, what could he possibly do that would cause all hell to break lose. This would be a deal breaker for me. I'm very sorry but your son should not grow up with a father figure like your husband.

Everything Diane B said.
I'm very sad for your son that you chose not to make your son a priority when you were deciding whether or not to get married. How do you think your actions have made him feel?

I'm not saying this to simply make you feel guilty, I'm that saying it in hopes that it will motivate you to get into marriage counselling to see if this can be fixed for your son's sake.

I personally would not expect a step parent to treat their step child exactly as they treat their own child - especially if they see their own child infrequently. I think that is unrealistic.

However, I think if it's really 'us two and the two of them' then that's really sad. Counselling? Would he go? That's just not a healthy family dynamic.

I would be concerned for my son. I'll be honest, when I read your question, I kept wondering did you not notice this before you were married?

This would be a total deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with a man who was great to me, but unfair or not interested in my child.

ETA: There is a mom on here who has a teenager son who is going through a very rough time. She lives with her boyfriend and he is not interested in her son. I wish you could read some of her posts because you can see what kind of an effect this can have on a kid long term. It's possible the boyfriend's lack of interest in not the sole reason the son is having problems, but it certainly can't help.

He's being a bully to your son. Your son can't even feel comfortable in his own house because of this man. You brought him into your son's life and now its time for you to fix this. Speak with your hubby one last time about how this makes you and your son feel. Ask him how he feels about all this. See if he's willing to make changes. If he isn't willing to change things then you need to evaluate how this impacts your child.

Most likely your son already feels like he's a lesser person because your husband picks on him and treats his own child much better. And you add to this by treating his child well too. You were a package deal and somehow you overlooked the fact that he didn't like your child and married this guy. Fix this now or move out with your son. He deserves someone who loves and values him just as you do.

I am sad for your son. I can see that you are too. I personally think this is not the right man for you. You can try family counseling and counseling for you and him....but give it a timeline. Don't drag it out forever. If he cannot change (and I'm guessing he cannot) and ADORE your son then he is not the right man to be your son's father. I grew up with a stepmom who always made me feel like an outsider (and she still does...she and my dad never visit and don't even know my kids although they dote on my stepsister's kids). And the man my mom kept in her life as her partner was a bully...I was always walking on eggshells at home. I will tell you that now as an adult with children of my own I have a LOT of anger towards my mom. I do not respect her. I feel like she always put herself before her kids and she did not do right by us. Her long term boyfriend was also abusive...mostly emotionally but at times physically. If you and your husband cannot turn this around I think that the best thing would be for you to split up. That's hard. I know. That is just my opinion though.

It seems like you kind of have two things going on (and I think it's important to separate them). On the one hand, your husband and your son don't have a good relationship, or at least it's not at all what you had hoped for. It really is important for the two of them to develop a good relationship, but when you talk to your husband about this, try to make sure you are just focusing on him building a relationship with your son. They need a chance to get to know each other. It might help if you encourage the two of them to do something together. Maybe they can find a hobby together or sign up for Cub Scouts. Something for the two of them. Something they can bond over. Something that probably won't include you very much. Whatever you do, do not mention his daughter in this context. He needs to bond with your son. Period. Try to avoid comparing the two kids.

His relationship with his daughter really needs to be dealt with separately. I have not experienced shared custody, so I really don't know what this is like for your husband. But I would imagine that only seeing your child could make it harder to set limits. I'm not saying that's ok or that he's doing her or you any favors. I just think I could see how that would be hard for him. Whenever I've been away from my kids for a couple of days, I just want to hug them and be happy together. The last thing I want to do is have to discipline them. I can only imagine how hard this must be when he goes months without seeing her.

Sounds like she's with you for the summer? Maybe you and your husband could sit down and talk about the "rules" for the summer. What are your expectations of both kids? What household rules do you think would be best. Again, try to avoid comparing the kids. But you do want to try to be on the same page and have similar expectations.

Tell your husband right now that he needs to stop treating your son so poorly.....period. You are your son's advocate and your husband is behaving terribly. I don't care if it's not his kid........he's a child. Tell him something like "You need to stop being so hard on so-and-so". "You need to stop getting so agro with my son. I'm tired of it and the double standard. Your daughter can do no wrong and yet you cannot even be decent to my son.". Tell him "From now on, I parent my child. You parent your daughter." It really sounds like he favors his daughter, has no respect for your son and most likely isn't going change. You've encouraged a family atmosphere and it probably won't ever exist. I'm so sorry to say that but I've seen several relationships like this and it sounds like how yours is. Since things haven't changed over time, they most likely never will. He sounds mean. Oh and when he's looking at your son weird, say "What are you looking at?" but then walk away. It's really a rhetorical question. I wish you the best of luck but I don't see things changing. If you have thought of leaving, I think it might be the best thing....especially for your son.

Did your husband behave like this when you were dating? How long did ya'll date before you got married? I always feel that past action with indicate future performance. If he was like this when dating, that was a red flag you should have seen.

Counseling to help blend the families together is needed. If your husband can't or won't change his attitude, then you will have to make a decision. Your job is to protect your child. Good luck.