My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex W/ Me

I think Danielle hit it right on. Many men have a problem with seeing their wives both as a mom and an intimate partner. It scares them a little, and most men are very uncomfortable with anything they can't understand.
Keep communicating. Get a babysitter and take an evening out if you are financially able!
Best wishes and keep us posted!

Difficulty with sexual intimacy is such a common issue with couples. It is something that is more important for intimacy than just fulfilling a physical need. Please don't suggest that you both get what you need elsewhere. You really don't want that and to suggest it just makes your marriage vulnerable. I think when women are hurting we end up saying radical things just to get a response from our spouse. We want validation that we are loved and wanted. But, telling your husband he can just go elsewhere really isn't the best tool to use to get him to say..."no way, I could never do that to you!" As difficult as it is, keep having conversations about this issue with your husband. Try your very best to keep the conversation calm and caring.
My husband lost interest in sex with during both of my pregnancys. It has taken us awhile to rekindle the romance both times. Men really aren't put off by women's bodies...if they are interested in sex, it doesn't really matter if your body is a little off. But, be sensitive to the fact that he might just be lacking labido and as a guy this is difficult to face. There can be physical reasons (like lack of exercise) and emotional reasons for this (stress).
I'd be glad to continue to keep in contact about this if you ever feel like emailing me.
C.

First of all, I am so sorry that he is making you feel inadequate as a woman. That is unacceptable..you just had HIS child the least he can do is make you feel like a queen. In my relationship, it was me not my husband that didn't feel comfortable, but I was never rude to him in saying things. I was self conscious about myself and didn't want to have sex because then I would have no clothes on. I started to work out and it has gotten better. That doesn't mean that you need to work out for him. You need to do it for you, it helps with your stress, emotions, sleep, not overeating, everything! Have you talked in depth with him, about any of this? Has he always been cynical? Are there any other changes in your relationship? My marriage hit a real rough patch for the first three or four months and it is just now starting to come around again. Mostly because I think we needed to find our place in our family and draw a line between being a mom, a wife, and a woman. I really don't think cheating on eachother is effective, in fact, I think it will only add to problems. I know this is very long, but I hope it was a little helpful. I would love to talk with you, or even give you an outlet to vent, so you can write anytime!

I feel for you I did have this problem too after two years I think I finally just got frustrated packed my bags and left one day of course I forgot diapers so I ended up going home to get them and my husband was sitting on the couch totally confused about what was going on ( I dont recommend this approach to anyone) we ended up sitting and having a very long talk about it and I really dont think he realized how much it hurt me the problem was that I guess during pregnancy neither partner really wanted sex that bad then after he just got wrapped up in being a father and feeling overwhelmed by allt hat comes with having a baby he was just exausted and eventually it just became routine. I think you just need to have a talk and let him know how you feel and how much it hurts you. it takes a while to get back to normal and I think everyone does go through this at some point (trust me I have four kids and I go through it still)I hope this helps a little. let me know how things turn out for you!!!

K.
This is not you!!! Some men find it hard to have sex with a MOM! Sounds funny but true. I think that you should make thing interesting and suprise your husband with a wonderful night without the baby around!! If someone could watch the baby over night so there aren't any interruptions that is best. Go and get something sexy to wear and realy set the mood with candles and have a night together. And don't let him tell you no. Maybe after a romantic night things will change for the two of you!! And if it does maybe then counseling to find out what is really wrong... a very last resort is you both going elsewhere
Good luck
A.

I AM 40 SO I HAVE BEEN THERE. AFTER A BABY SOME MEN THINK THAT SEX MEANS ANOTHER BABY ECPECAILLY AT HIS AGE. YOU NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOU THAT IS YOUR FIRST COARSE OF ACTION. DO YOUR HAIR DIFF. BUY SOME CLOTHS THAT FIT YOU THE WAY YOU NEED SO YOU ARE COMFORTABLE AND TAKE LONG BATHS [HARD TO DO WITH A CHILD I KNOW] BUT SMELL GOOD AND FEEL GOOD HE WILL SEE A NEW YOU WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN. LV DEB

No your not the only one I have the same problem I don't have any advice because Im not sure how tho handle it in my own relationship I just wanted you to know your not alone I am back to my pre baby weight of 120 and I don't get much of a response either I think it takes them a long time before they stop seeing us as mommies hang in there start doing things for your self not things you think will make him look at you but things that will make you have a better image of your self good luck I hope things get better

Dear K.,
As a woman,wife,and mother of two,I had similiar things happen.I would suggest you concentrate on you.Make yourself happy by finding your stregnths with in,and out,apart from sex.Streghthen yourself,your communication. Your marital relationship will have to work itself out.Don't panic and toss it away.If you end up walking away, make it a clear,strong choice.Suggestions:ie.exercise,classes,mom meetings,marriage counceling etc.First, understand you're a wonderful individual,creation of a loving God.He created our bodies,and what happens to us after childbirth.Love yourself,and feel good knowing who you are. =)

K.,
I hope I can offer some insight, for I was 'your husband' in my marriage after my son was born. I didn't want sex - it was a traumatic birth with a lot of pain, lots of drugs, and hubby was horrified to see me that way. He let it go on my time frame and it was 10 months before I could have sex again. I had all my friends and my sister just telling me to do it, and bite the bullet...but I couldn't.
It was also a representation of bigger issues, i.e. he didn't help that much or pay much attention to either of us....since I was staying home, he saw that as my 'vacation' and I didn't need time off....(he has since wisened up)
But it wasn't until we aired those issues, him not even aware of the fact that I was PPD, and how we could help each other more.

I agree with the fact that there is something under the surface, whether he is feeling neglected, jealous, or just plain scared to get you pregnant again (that was my fear) you need to talk about them.
We too when to therapy, but it was after a career change for him that prompted it. In that therapy, stuff came out about the pregnancy and when my son was an infant that my husband wasn't even aware of that I was still upset about.
Now I am not saying that men can remember everything like us women do, but when they feel strongly about something, it affects them too....
And it wasn't until my husband heard it from another man that it clicked for him. (our therapist was a man) And then it was like switching on a go button for him, and we have been wonderful since....

I hope you can work it out.
Also, I hope that you realize you are more than that as well. You are bright intelligent woman, and you should not allow anyone else to be the measure of your self worth.

My sister experienced this after her son was born (he's now 3), and just now, her husband has been able to be honest with her (and possibly himself) about his feelings. Remember, all of your attention that was once showered on him goes to the baby now. Men often don't know what to do after a baby enters the family. Like many others have suggested, try to keep the communication open. Are you making yourself desirable and available to him? Does he really understand the physical changes to your body and how they will continue to change in the near future? Does he feel left out? Are you beginning to come together as a family?

I believe if your relationship has been stable in the past, things will improve. Unless, as mentioned before, he has already found another source for his sexual activities. That could be a possiblity.

Hang in there, K.. And congrats on your new baby!

it sounds like to me he has already found someone else i think you should to

Dear K.,
Sounds like you really love your husband, so I certainly wouldn't tell him to go have an affair and I would not have one myself. I would enjoy your beautiful daughter and concentrate on respecting and showing great honor to your husband. Men today crave respect. Our society has lost any idea of what respect and honor are in loving one another. Society dictates put downs and sarcasm and it is killing marriages left and right.
What is his favorite meal? Favorite TV show? What can you do to show him you honor/respect him? Maybe just telling him thanks for going to work each day, paying the bills, and providing a home for you and your daughter together. I doubt that it's your body or the pregnancy, but maybe your mood, your attitude, perhaps some put downs about sex with you. Just try sincerely making him feel like a king in his castle and showing him how happy you are with your life and see how he reacts.
A word to the wise is sufficient, but for more info: Go to www.loveandrespect.com
God Bless you for loving and caring for your husband so very much.
M. J.

I HAVE GONE THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING WITH MY HUSBAND. RECENTLY I WAS READY TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE WE HAD NOT HAD SEX IN NEARLY A MONTH ( A COUPLE OF QUICKIES BUT THATS NOTHING FOR A MONTH) I MEAN I HAD HAD ALL I COULD TAKE. I KNEW HE WASNT WITH ANYONE ELSE. I TAKE EXCELLENT CARE OF MYSELF AND HE ALWAYS THOUGHT I LOOKED GOOD...ALTHOUGH I DOUBTED IT EVERY TIME WE DIDNT MAKE LOVE...I FELT DISCUSTING ....I LET IT ALL GET TO ME AND WE GOT INTO A HUGE ARGUMENT ONE DAY...THE NEXT DAY I ASKED HIM WHY WE NEVER MAKE LOVE ( THIS WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME I ASKED) AND HE TOLD ME IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS EXHAUSTED ALL OF THE TIME..THAT HE REALLY WANTED TO BUT WAS JUST SOOOOO TIRED. I WAS HAPPY HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH BUT I ASKED WHY HE LET ME HURT SO MUCH BY LETTING MY SELF ESTEEM GO UNDERGROUND BY HIS LACK OF AFFECTION. HE SAID HE THOUGHT I KNEW SO HE NEVER SAID. I DID MY PART OF TRYING TO TALK TO HIM BUT THIS TIME HE DIDNT. MY HUSBAND IS A VERY SMART MAN, BUT ALL GUYS CAN BE REALLY STUPID SOMETIMES. DONT ASSUME YOUR GUYS CHEATING ON YOU. IF HE IS NOT THEN YOU COULD REALLY HURT THINGS. BUT ASK HIM. YOU KNOW WHEN HES LYING BY NOW IM SURE. AND GETTING SOME IS NOT ALL MARRIAGE IS ABOUT....ITS ABOUT DOING EVERYTHING TOGETHER TO MAKE A LIFE TOGETHER...ABOUT BEING HAPPY AND SAD, MAD, IN LOVE, FRUSTRATED...ALL OF THE THINGS POSSIBLE...BUT YOU GOT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. AND IF YOU DO FIND THAT HE CHEATED ON YOU AND THAT WAS THE REASON HE WOULDNT TOUCH YOU, THEN KICK HIM OUT...FAR AND HARD.....AND WHEN HE TRIES TO GET YOU BACK...REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU WROTE YOUR REQUEST ON HERE. GOOD LUCK.

K.,
Keep the communication open! Going elsewhere to meet both of your needs is not going to solve anything, this will only create a whole new set of problems for your marriage. See a therapist if you need to, I know this is not realistic for some couples when one or the other does not want to but you have to find a way to be open and honest with your husband about how you feel, it may be hard but in the long run will help more than anything else. I hope it works out for you.

It took awhile after our first for my hubby to come around too...He said although the birth was a miracle, the sites and smells stayed with him for awhile afterward, and related me and my body to the deliverery and being the baby's now, not just his...just remind your hubby that you love him, and that the baby is not going to get all the attention...even if it's just holding hands while watching TV or whatever, give him some attention on a dily basis and he'll come around!

K. - I agree with the rest of the women - however I'm having the opposite problem. My husband is generally intersted, however I really have no interest. I don't know if its still the crazy hormones (I'm on a micropill to help keep those in check) or just my frustration with most aspects of life at home, but it really does get better from all the other mothers who have experienced lack of interest from themselves and from their husbands.

Hang in there - don't even suggest adultry, you'll hate yourself in the future for getting into that situation - things will change soon.

Best of luck.

K., lots of women and men go through this problem. When men think of a womens body going thru childbirth and changing, they get a little creeped out. (not all men, but alot of men) Especially if you are breastfeeding and your milk does indeed leak when you are intimate. Relax, dont give him permission to be with other women, that is not what you really want, and if it is just about getting some, then you might need to reevaluate why you are really with this man. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, yes it certainly helps to have a healthy sexual relationship, but an overall healthy relationship will make you and he much happier. Find some other things to do together, enjoy being a couple, enjoy being new parents, I promise the sex will come back, and if it takes awhile it takes awhile, you won't shrivel up and die, it is like riding a bike, you never forget. Don't argue over this, just understand, and relax and give it some time, your not alone in this situation, he is right there, support eachother.
you can do this, it just takes commitment to eachother and to your love!

In my baby book "What to Expect the First Year" is says that some men stop seeing their wives as women and start seeing them more as mothers once their children are born. My husband didn't want to do anything for a while either. He told me that it wasn't me, he just saw what "came out down there" and the thought of it turned him off. It has been about six months now and things are finally picking up. Be patient. Maybe you can have a grandparent watch your daughter overnight and you two can go out on a "date" and try and set the mood for a romantic night at home. (Dress sexy as h*** to show him you are a woman) I wouldn't tell him to be with someone else or you either for that matter. You are just setting yourself up for trouble. You will both end up resenting each other for sleeping with other people. I know some people are fine with relationships like that. If you are one of them, I would invite the other person to join the two of you so you are still a couple and doing things together. You never want to just say go take care of yourself. Before you know it, you will each find someone else and you will end up in divorce.

I went through this as well. DO NOT DO THE FIND OTHER PERSON scenerio. u will only feel used and well that doesnt feel good. plus it will totally wreak what marriage you have and could possibly have. be patient i know its tough and those thoughts do run through your mind but it does get better and if you let it it will run your life. and it shouldnt. relationships change after babies and sometimes its a sucky time. my daughter is 16 months and well lets just say that my sex life has recently started getting back to what it use to be and it actually scares me lol because of how it has been in the past year plus. be patient and if its worth working out it will work itself out.

K.,
Don't give up on your marriage! Your husband may be having problems seeing you both as sexy wife and mother of his daughter. See a couples thearpist. Your marriage and your daughter deserve it. On Southland Church's website, they have a referral form through which they can hook you up with a good therapist. Most insurances cover it and (I'm not positive) I think Southland will help you with payments as well. You don't have to be a Christian to take their help, either, and they're not the type of church to keep badgering you. I know it can and will get better if you seek help.
Good Luck,
D.

I had this problem when I was married. But I am hoping it was for a different reason then mine was. I was married for 8 yr to a guy, and we had sex all the time until I got pregnant, we didnt have sex after we found outI was pregnant, and that was horrible, because pregnancy for me has a reverse affect, I wanted it all the time. But we had our daughter, and things didnt change...now I do have to say that he was a full time student and working two jobs...so he was stressed out to the max as was I...but still there was no romance in the realationship at all. I found out after our seperation well he admitted to me one time and one time only that he had been cheating on me...for quiet some time...and well since I'm not married anymore you can guess where all that lead us.
Now I do have to say that if both are really stressed out it may just be the reason you two arent romantic. I would say if you are religious to most deffinatly pray about it, but open communication is so very important in this type of situation. Tell him how you feel. Even though most men will want you to stop "nagging" about it. Have you tried a night out just the two of you? Or put one of his favorite nighties on, or bought something new to the bedroom? Spice it up and see what happens. I wouldnt go and jump the gun though about if he is seeing someone else , that was just my situation and is more than likely not yours. But seriously try to spice it up in the bedroom and see what happens.
Good luck! J. R

Good morning.
Obviously you were awake late writing this or up early because it's on your mind. I sincerely hope that you receive tons of responses that tell you not to persue other relationships or encourage your spouse to do that. I would agree with all of these. It sounds like you all need couples help. This doesn't mean a long time of therapy, but there is a lot that goes on after the birth of a child.

Also, K., sex is only one form of intamacy. Use this time to seek out other ways of reaquainting yourself with your husband. Do not see it as a lack of attraction, but just as your lives have shifted from couple to family. Don't let your self-conciousness ruin your marriage, but focus on loving yourself.

Hope this helps. -A

yes it gets better. it sounds like you are going through post partum depression, and yes i have gone through this. and believe me when i say it is him not you that is having the problem.

You are both going through a huge change, with each child, life gets harder- more resposibility on your shoulders. Dont do anything extreme right now, patience is a vurtue...focus on taking care of your daughter, and try to be good to him, and understanding, and just pay attention to his actions and moods...anyway- you will know when the time is right to talk to him- then, talk to him heart to heart, dont be automatically defensive or start saying "YOU did this or YOU make me feel this way" approach it as if you need his help-- make him feel adequate - but dont put too much pressure, b/c if he is genuinly stressed out- it'll make it worse....anyway- think as if the tables were turned. If he is asking you for sex and head all the time, and you are just too exhausted or whatever, pushing the issue would only make it worse, right? Let him know that you are in this together and you will be there for him as well as he would for you. THEN GET YOURSELF A VIBRATOR!!!! Nothing helps a relationship AND lack of sex like a bullit or a vibrator!!!Eventually he will either come around, or you'll figure out whats wrong.....oh, also rememer that exercising will tighten the area where you daughter came from, and that will always help the sex life.....
hope this helps!!!
trish

K., I hope this is not true but in my case he was cheating and those famous old words "its not you". I don't want to alarm you but it is a big possibility. Have you tried to tell him how you feel, let him know that you are feeling the way you do. You may find counseling helpful, if not for you both then definitely for yourself. Please, don't fell bad about yourself or your body, always LOVE yourself no matter what.Good luck K. i'll say a prayer for you

I am in almost the same exact situation. He promises that I am not the problem and even tries to convince me that he wants to more often but then nothing ever comes of it. He assures me that once we start he loves it but then it is just getting started. I havent found a solution yet...but like you, I am getting sick of the cheap "pity" sex you get after begging.

How old is your daughter? I know my husband wasn't interested in sex with me right after our daughter was born, he said it was just seeing the birth it kind of grossed him out. But we talked about it. we took our daughter to my parents for the night and talked about the things we needed from each other, and like you i thought a lot of the reason he did not want to have sex was because of the way i looked. but now our daughter is two years old and the sex is better than it ever was. so hang in there talk to him. try taking your daughter to a family members for teh night or something so you all can just have a night to talk and get all the feelings out in the open.
sorry i am just sending this, i just ran across your message.
Good luck
tiff

Hi K.. I can somewhat understand what you are going through, even though it's the other way around in my marriage. I don't have any desire for sex what so ever. I don't have a reason why--I love my husband more than ever, he is attractive to me, etc. I think there is a "shift" in how you feel once baby arrives. We had our daughter 4 mo. ago and I guess I just feel she is priority 1, 2, and 3 in my life... (not to say you don't feel that way as well). What I mean is he may not understand why he's having weird feelings towards having sex? Have you tried to talk to him about it? Was he there during your delivery and was it vaginal? B/c I just wonder if that has something to do with it? Just some thoughts I had.
S.

my ex-husband did the same thing after we had our son. some men just cant deal with the ideal of having sex again after the child is born...due to they feel that they can harm you. Some men use that as an excuse tho....dont give him the option to look elsewhere...cause in all hearts you know you dont want him to. Have someone watch the baby a few hours one night and sit him down and talk...
explain to him..that you know things changed(with being a mommy & daddy now)...and yes now you have to be a mommy, but as well you need the "women" attention. you havent changed.....your the same person you was before you got pregnant. sometimes the men need a good swift kick of reality....good luck hun...
my thoughts are with you :)

I was in a similar situation. I had a 2 year old when I married my husband who had never been around kids. After we were married I was very surprised to find him not interested intimacy. But everyone told me it was stress of a new situation. I told them he didn't seem stressed but he has now gotten in school and is working and getting more used to our daughter. Things have picked up alot in the bedroom. I would say it went from 2 a month too 3 or 4 times a week. There may be things that are stressers for him that he is trying to deal with or unaware of himself. Try to get him to talk but if he won't try to wait for things to settle down. Good luck!

Before sugesting and commiting adultery, why not talk to him and seek counseling? It sounds like he's looking for excuses to get out of sex and you need to know why and what both of you can do to change. This is HIS problem, not yours and to reward him by telling him to go sleep around will just make things worse.
Good Luck!

Whoa! Stop! (sorry, had to say it)

I went through a similar situation with my husband, who is now my ex. I was 21, he was 22...I had just had our second son...very similar situation.

You have no idea what is going through his head right now. I don't really think that saying "go sleep with somebody else so I can" is appropriate. What if he isn't cheating on you? What if he doesn't want anybody but you? What if he is having some other kind of issue that you don't know about? How would it make you feel for him to address you with that kind of statement?

One of two things is going to happen if you use that approach, and I don't think either are good. Either (1) he is going to be extremely offended that you would even say that, think you are doing things you shouldn't be, and then things will blow up or (2) he's gonna say "ok, see ya!", in which case you are going to be hurt and things are going to blow up. Both sound kinda sticky.

Have you tried to have a serious conversation about it? I mean your whole situation in general, including but not limited to the sex thing. Having a baby takes a serious toll on women, but it takes a toll on the guys, too. Maybe he is having issues he doesn't know how to handle on his own....

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that it isn't a problem or at least an indicator of one. I went through the same kind of thing, at it was because there was a problem. I just think that you should maybe try a more level approach to it, that's all.

Good luck