My Husband Lost a Dear Friend- How Do I Help?

Sounds like you are already handling it excellently, just thought I'd write because we had a very similar scenerio here just last week. My husband too played it down for the most part at first especially, then after a couple days, the night of the visitation especially and the couple nights after he wanted to talk about it some and just needed that listening ear. Then we talked about stories from things we'd done with him, his being in our wedding 8.5 years ago, and stuff like that, fun memories. Things like this are always hard and everybody grieves differently. Dealing with things in his own time is what helps most of course.

The best thing is to be there and listen. Sometimes the thing we need most is an ear.

I would encourage your husband to share some memories of his friend with you. Also, I would encourage him to think about what you and he can do for his FRIEND'S family - wife, children, parents, etc. As close as your husband was with him, they are grieving too, and since your husband knew him so well, he may be in a good position to know how to comfort or help them as well. Does he have any snapshots or pictures that his friend's wife and family might not have a copy of? Any mementos from school, yearbook quotes, shared projects, etc. Can he just help out by doing some things around the house or mowing the lawn, etc. Sometimes one of the best ways to work through your grief is by helping others- his friend would surely appreciate anything your husband and you can do to bring comfort to his own family. I'm so sorry for your husband's loss- nothing really makes up for it, but at least he can help out the family left behind, even in little, thoughtful ways.

This is a tough problem and you are a good wife to CARE so much...I usually remind my loved ones that they still hold the person inside them in all the memories that they have shared with the pased individual...I truly believe that they have moved on across the 'veil of existence' to the spirit world...and that any close friend is still there and with us all we need to do is think of them and we will know what they want us to know in any given situation....
If they can fish a young boy out of the cold waters of lake Michigan and then...45 minutes later warm him up and re-start his heart...Then there is life after death...Too many people have had heart stopping surgeries and then been revived to live with a deeper understanding of all that we are about in this vast world of life and living
suffering, struggles and successes...
If there are memories to share perhaps a visit with the family or having them over to dinner a few weeks after the funeral will help him to process his grief and share his good times with his friend with the family...Or maybe a grief counseling group in his church or nearby hospital or counseling center...YOu might want to go to to be his support system and share with him...
After a bit of time passes this might be a good opportunity to get physical check-ups and put your own family's legal house in order for the slim chance that anything might happen to either one of you...
I often feel that one of the reasons that people get so upset is that they are confronted with the finality of death and that we are all vulnerable to it eventually.
More practically, keep things quiet and calm around the house and play games with the kids and keep them occupied...Give him space but be a caring loving wife who is there for whatever he needs...Do not pry but maybe a late dinner or a drive without to kids will help him to start talking about all that he shared and how he misses his dear friend and never expected anything like this early passing to happen...Keep him close and , if you know the passed friend, or even if you don't, you might consider saying a little conversational prayer to him to help your husband to get thru this sadness..
Ask your man how his friend would want him to go on?
Maybe planting a tree for him or sending some funds every month for the first year to his children or getting involved in something that he had always done will help...
Even talking to a youth group about how precious life is and how fleetingly it can escape us...He will find his way...Just you keep your center and give him a clear loving direction to hang onto..
YOu will both be in my prayers, MOM J

Be there for him. Listen; don't offer advice or compare any of your losses to his, except in the "I understand how devastating loss is" kind of way. From the little you wrote I can tell you are a wonderful person to be so concerned and if you listen to your instincts you will do fine.

I am so sorry for your husband's loss. My husband lost his college roommate when they were both just 29. He ended up doing a fundraiser for his wife and I think that gave him a chance to feel like there was something he can do. I would recommend asking him and different points what he needs. I wouldn't make a big issue of it but just check in with him to see what he might be needing specifically from you.

Take Care,
kerstin

I'm so sorry for your husband's loss. I just lost my 41 year old brother/best friend 3 months ago and it also was very sudden and unexpected. Yes, your husband is still in shock right now, but this is only the beginning. Speaking from experience, as the weeks pass it gets more difficult as the shock wears off and the reality of him being gone sets in. My husband has been wonderful just being there for me...helping when needed, leaving me alone when I need to be, and listening when I need to talk. Unfortunately he's not a talker so I go to my friends for that. You just need to let your husband know that you're here for him and watch for his cues as to what he needs. Share memories of his friend together. If he wants to talk about him give him your full attention. Encourage him to step up and be there for the girlfriend and his friend's family. My husband and I (son and mom too) spent my brother's birthday working on his wife's yard...mowing, trimming, planting flowers...she loved it and we all made it through a heartbreaking day together. His wife and I were never particularily close before, but I have made it my mission to be here for her and help her with whatever she needs. I feel like it's the least I can do to honor my brother and his memory. If he wants to go out with his friends don't give him a hard time...it's so important to be with others who knew him and share those memories together. I have become close with some of my brother's co-workers who I had never even met before because we share a bond and people who didn't know him don't get it like they do. I would strongly recommend grief counseling as well. Willow Creek church in Barrington has another session starting the end of Sept. if he wants info. There's alot of men there that go and they will put him in a group with others who have lost a friend. It really helps to hear other's stories. Even if he goes for just one session he would come out of it with something positive and you could join him as well. Most importantly, don't act like it didn't happen, especially a couple months down the road when everyone else seems to have forgotten. I find myself hurting more now than ever and pulling away from the people who don't even mention his name anymore. His wife and closest coworkers feel the same. We want to keep his memory alive and will continue to do so by sharing our memories. And finally, something a friend of mine did for me and my family...she put together a couple memory books for his wake for people to sign and share their memories. You can make as many copies as you want afterwards (maybe your husband could get one too) I love reading all the funny stories everyone had to share and it will be a priceless gift to his girlfriend and family. And one more thing, if your husband has pictures of his friend help him go through them and make up picture boards to share at the wake and if he's up to it maybe he could speak at the funeral. One of my brother's coworkers spoke at his funeral and it was so heartfelt there wasn't a dry eye in the place, but it was something he needed to do for his friend and we love that he did. Sorry to give you such an earful, but I'm in your husband's shoes right now and it's not a fun place to be. If he ever wants to talk to someone who really gets what he's going through (after all, they shared their entire lives together so they are pretty much brothers) he can always contact me. Give him a big hug, I mean really squeeze him tight, and then take it from there. Again, I'm so, so sorry!

Mommy R just be there for him when he does finally break down. You can't force him to deal with his grief the way that you think he should. He will at some point deal with his loss but it may not be in a way that you think he should. Just be there and listen when he need to talk. That is all that you can do.

Mommy R,

Give him his space and time, that is very important! Some men express their hurt differently because of the masculinity stereotype. Just try to be there for him, and when he wants to talk about it, do so. Keep praying and give it time, also, without saying it, when its appropriate bring up the good things about that friend. Think about the good, and that helps alot in dealing with grief.

Peace

Wow, so sorry for yours and his loss. Very tragic. I'm sure he is in shock. Let him know you are there for him but I know that, when my husband lost his dad, then years later, his mom, his response was to listen to a lot of music and shut the rest of the world out - then he eased me back into his life and began to talk, and talk, and talk.

It may be helpful to gather any kind of burial information as well as make any calls to anyone to spread the difficult news - this may be a task that would be helpful to him. And I'm guessing that if there is anything that will need to be scheduled over the next few days, your help in scheduling would be appreciated.

I'm sure he will need you. Just be there when he needs you and be sensitive if he needs time alone.

Good luck.

I guess it depends on what your husband really needs. When my husband lost his grandfather, he was in shock and basically stopped functioning. His family is in Ireland, and at the time my husband didn't have a green card. 2 hours after hearing the news, I had my husband in the car and we went down to the Embassy to get him a visa to leave the country, and we then went to the airport to buy him a ticket. My husband would never have gone home if I didn't literally put him in the car and do everything for him.

So, I'd just wait and see what your hubby needs, and/or ask him.

In general, men don't op

"open-up" abot many things. Don't try to get him to talk about it. If and when he's ready then speak of this tender subject. In the mean time if he's looking sad, hug him and go on about your business. It's hard but he'll get over this. Every loss we suffer, makes us stronger and able to handle whatever else is handed to us. God bless.

I am so sorry to hear of your husbands loss. I lost my mom when I was 29 she was only 54, and my best friend. The best advice that I can give to you is just be there. Everyone grieves in different ways. If you put to much pressure on him to try and talk about it...he may just pull away. And when he does talk, just listen. Plus, men deal with things also a lot differently than women...my husband tells me this all the time. Good Luck.