My In-Laws Have No Boundaries!!!!

yeah, you are WAY overreacting here... not a big deal, she's 4. if you had an overweight teenage daughter and he exclaimed "wow, you're getting FAT!" - that would be a problem, but to say she lost weight, when in fact she did, due to an illness, so not seeing why you're upset...

Maybe? Yeah, you are. He made an observation. And you actually agree that she does look like she has lost weight.

I'm not understanding why you find this so inappropriate.

That was not a big deal. I can't understand how that was uncalled for.
At least her Grandpa comes over and talks to her.

Wow, I thought the no boundary issue I was going to read about was how in-laws took a child to an inappropriate movie or something.

Gees.. your daughter has been sick, he noticed weight loss... He is a concerned grandparent.

I do think the most damage done would be if your daughter witnessed you yelling at her grandfather.

Over-reaction? My goodness yes. And go apologize to Grandpa.

I think there must be some underlying issues for something that trivial and meaningless to rile you up like it did.

Um...ridiculous over-reaction on your part. Really nothing more to say here.

Wait a minute. Your daughter's grandfather commented that she had lost a lot of weight, which is true, and at 4 years old has no other meaning attached to it other than noticing that being sick made her lose some weight... and you YELLED AT HIM?? And you think HE has a problem?

Geez.

If you truly yelled at him that had more of a negative impact on your daughter than her grandpa stating the obvious.

Well, you've probably been up all hours of the night with a miserably sick child, so it's perfectly understandable you'd be feeling sensitive.

But, for most people (though not most 4-year-olds), that's a huge compliment.

For a child that young, it's a random statement that's extremely unlikely to be hurtful.

I get that they're outspoken, and that that rubs you the wrong way, but really, it sounds like no harm intended, no harm done.

The other thing is, the great thing about (most) outspoken people is that they're not too quick to take offense at other people's (possibly a bit outspoken, too) responses.

Just give yourself a day or so to cool down and then put in a quick call: "Sorry, I was exhausted from taking care of her when she was sick, and I think I took what you said the wrong way. You're a wonderful grandpa, and I'm grateful for all you do. Can I thank you for your understanding on this?"

And there, you're done, you can move on. Just go into future interactions assuming they'll blurt random things out, and you'll be less likely to be taken by surprise.

If that's the worst thing your in-laws do, consider yourself lucky.

Yikes, I really think you owe him an apology.

You are obviously exhausted and seeing everything magnified.

You read a lot into this true statement.
He stated a fact, not a criticism or a cheer..It was just an observation.

Just let him know you are just worn out and did not mean to yell. You are just feeling extra protective of your daughter right now.

I don't think it was so inappropriate. Maybe they have said things in the past that annoyed you, but it seems like you took it too far by yelling at him. Are you hormonal, perhaps? I know that I get on edge too much at that time of the month and blow things way out of proportion. I usually glean some perspective from my level-headed husband and step back and realize I shouldn't sweat the small things in life. Pick your battles in life before you alienate yourself from your inlaws. If they are a bigger issue than this post suggests, read the book "Boundaries". It's a good read, and helps you gain perspective. Blessings!

Ok. You ranted. You are entitled to your feelings.

But I also think you are way overreacting.

What makes you think it was harmful or hurtful? It was a statement of pure concern and not that uncommon.

Is she so thin, that you think this is calling attention to it?
Are you so thin, that you are sensitive about weight issues?

What he said was not nearly as inappropriate as you yelling at him. I hope you at least didn't do it in front of your daughter. If you want to have any kind of relationship with your inlaws, try to be an adult and talk about your problems in a civilized manner. He said what popped into his head, that she'd lost weight. Not a big deal at all.

well, we're all entitled to a rant every now and then. I'm not sure what was inappropriate about the comment, though. Why do you feel like this was so horrible?
Based off what you wrote here, I kinda feel sorry for your FIL. Poor guy probably had no idea he was saying something go horrifically offensive. Is there something else going on with the inlaws??

If she's 4 years old and doesn't have an issue with her own weight and you haven't specified that weight not be mentioned, then I don't see why he should have known not to mention it. If her eyes had been red and swollen, should he have refrained from exclaiming that, too, upon his initial contact with her?

I think that this is YOUR issue and you're blowing it way out of proportion.

I'm wondering why you would think that was an extremely inappropriate thing to say to her...wasn't he simply stating a fact? Is his statement going to ruin her psyche or self-esteem or something? I'm not sure why he's not allowed to speak with his granddaughter about her having been sick and the consequences of it. He sounds like a grandparent who is in tune enough with his grandchild to actually NOTICE a physical change. A LOT of grandparents wouldn't even notice or care. I'm confused about why this was such a big deal...

Not sure what the problem is. He was stating a fact. She probably does not even knows what it means. Let is go.

Woah. Over-reaction on your part. Stop taking things so personally. I don't think this is a boundary issue at all. I think grandpa noticed a change - and was just saying something that came off the top of his head. I don't see any negative intent. You're a little over sensitive about it. Maybe you're tired from caring for a sick child and cleaning up puke - I recall those days and they were awful. Take a nap and get over this.

I can understand being frustrated by thoughtless exclamation, but he didn't mean to be unkind. I do think you are seriously overreacting.

My FIL actually means to be unkind. He only thinks of himself and has no qualm about lashing out at someone, even his grandchildren, to make himself feel or look better.

I think yelling at him was extreme. I hope you also have boundaries with your inlaws in the way that you speak to them.

She lost weight. He noticed and said so. No big deal.

You are over reacting.

I think you're making way too much out of it.

Huh?
How is this offensive or troubling for a 4 year old? I
Sure that even at 4, she's aware she hasn't been eating and vomiting.
Was this just a bad example?
Sorry. Confused.

Maybe your in-laws have done worse things, but that comment doesn't sound like the worst thing I've ever heard. Don't discuss this issue further with your daughter, or you will cause a problem where there is none.

If she lost weight, that's a fact, and nothing to be insulted about. She'll gain it back in a few days.

And yelling at your FIL was a terrible thing to do, especially in front of your daughter. That was a thousand times worse than his simple statement of fact. You owe him an apology.

There must be more than this for you to react so strongly to that comment. I would tell them that she's been very very sick and move on.

I don't think what he said was so horrible that you should have yelled at him. I would have gently taken him aside and mentioned that because she's been so sick the past few days, it makes sense that she's lost weight but you're confident she'll gain it back. Yelling at him is what was out of line. He said what he did because he hasn't seen her every day and so the weight loss was more pronounced. You, however, HAVE seen her nonstop and therefore you wouldn't notice it the way he did. That means that when he saw how pronounced the weight loss was, he was startled enough to say something and not filter.

I'll tell you something... when my mother had her colon removed over the summer after spending over a month in the hospital, I didn't see her for a couple of weeks in order to allow time for her to recover in peace. She didn't want visitors. But because she couldn't eat more than clear liquids and low residue diet, she had lost far too much weight and was almost skeletal. It was all I could do not to gasp in shock, much less make an inappropriate comment. She's still far too thin, and I still have trouble not feeling the shock every time I see her and thus have trouble keeping that shock to myself.

I think your reaction may be a nitpick based on other real issues that you have with your in-laws. Yes, they probably do have issues with brain-to-mouth filtering and boundaries but not this time. I think it was a completely normal and forgivable reaction.

I also think you owe your FIL an apology for yelling at him.

I really don't think it was that big of a deal. He noticed something about her. He NOTICED. So many of our inlaws wouldn't even notice if they shaved their heads. They don't care.

It sounds like he cares about your girl and was paying attention. Fact is she lost weight, not because she was bulimic or anorexic, but because she was sick.

Perhaps you aren't feeling so hot yourself and you overreacted.

I get what he meant, but I don't get why you were upset. It was a factual observation that he made and it was understandable....she hadn't been able to keep anything down. Inappropriate.........not at all. How would you have preferred he stated this observation instead? I'm sure he didn't mean anything behind it.

totally overreacting..

I have had times when I was feeling icky.. and folks say.. You don't look good.. sure doesn't make me feel any better.. but they didn't say it to be mean or hurt my feelings...

ignore ignore .. smile.. they are your inlaws and the granparents..

I think your way over reacting! He is just stating the obvious. I doubt he was saying it to be mean.

Saying she lost weight when she did is not all that offensive-especially since you know it and she knows it and everyone knows why. I think you are just fed up with a whole bunch of other inappropriate things he has said so now you're too sensitive about this particular thing.

If he hasn't seen her in a week, and she lost water weight and hasn't eaten, he was probably freaked out because he could actually SEE that she had lost weight. For a male to notice that kind of thing, it had to be really obvious.

I understand your sensitivity to weight-related statements, especially where girls are concerned, but your brain went one way and his sounds like it was totally in another direction.

If they talk without thinking, that would be "lack of filters". Lack of boundaries is more like THIS post, which was a serious list of boundary crossing behaviors. If they aren't like this MIL, then you're probably doing ok. http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12850485350585597953

:)

Um, he probably meant - wow, you look like you haven't held anything down in days and need to eat. I really don't think it is a big problem. I am assuming he was not telling a 4 year old she looked appropriately thin for a fashion shoot.

I don't get it. Why was that inappropriate? I can't believe you would get mad at someone(especially your FIL) for a comment like that and yell at them. I think that's sad.

I don't see the problem here. Are you oversensitive about your daughter's weight? Is she heavy and you don't want to give her a complex about her weight and therefore it is not allowed to be discussed in her presence? She's sick, she lost weight and she'll gain it back, it happens. Maybe he didn't need to say anything about it, but certainly isn't something I'd get upset over.

Yes I think you are making a big issue out of nothing. Maybe he could have asked if she was feeling better or something vs. commenting on her losing a lot of weight. Do you normally not get along with your in-laws?

That's not overstepping boundaries. Overstepping would have been telling you that you were a terrible mom for letting your daughter get sick. Telling you that you should have protected her from germs. Telling you that you were handling everything wrong and should have done something to keep your daughter from losing weight. That's the rant I got one time .... from my daughter's doctor. Or should I say her ex-doctor.

I think you overreacted. I would have pulled him aside and quietly asked him not to make a statement like that in front of his granddaughter in case it might make her feel bad. But I wouldn't bother to be that upset over it. Btw, my mom says exactly what comes into her mind and it is incredibly annoying. She often says the most inappropriate things in front of our kids. She's never going to change though. I will cut her off and say quietly, let's not talk about that in front of the kids. She's always surprised, but she usually stops.

I think his filter is broken, as is my MILs.. We all have our battles.

Breath.. you need rest. ( any mom who has dealt with the tummy flu for the last 2 days needs rest).

Over reacting, a little.. if this was a 12 year old who was weight conscious maybe it would be warranted. but a 4 year old should not know/care how much they weigh. Move on .. things will get better. Ask FIL to think before oepning his mouth.

I was expecting a much juicier story given your title. ;) Your issue seems pretty minor to me, BUT if they have a history of driving you crazy, then I guess this was the last straw?

LOL, I don't get it. He was saying she lost a lot of weight. A fact. And not a bad thing. If she'd GAINED, that would be bad given obesity problems.

Nothing wrong with his comment/observation. Lot's of people lose weight with stomach illnesses. There must be deeper issues here for you with your in laws.

If he had said "Wow! You lost a lot of weight! Way to go little lady, remember, a woman can never be too thin!" then I would have been upset. I hope you are both feeling better!

I don't get the problem. What is wrong with him saying she lost weight? Do you think that's going to scar her? I'm sorry - just don't get what was inappropriate in the comment.

Seems to me that YOUR reaction to the comment would be more detrimental than the actual comment!

If you yelled at me for saying something like that, I would not go back to your house until you apologized to me.

What it it were your own dad who made the comment? Would that still be a boundary question? Your husband needs to address your yelling at his father. That was very mean.

You have had a long stressful week. The stomach bugs are a nightmare. Mine gets them and it lasts forever. It's so hard because you can't really help them all that much and it's scary watching them get thin and sick. I'm sure your Father in Law had no idea what he was saying and understands you have had a rough time. Good luck!

I don't think its a big deal...but we all have our senitive areas. Maybe you were a very thin kid and people were always saying things to you growing up?
I was senitive in some regards with my in laws.

I don't see where this is a boundary issue. It's a stupid comment and I can't imagine who would say that to a four year old - what on earth would a preschooler know or care about weight? But not a boundary issue. Perhaps you're very sensitive because they've demonstrated lack of respect for boundaries in other ways that you have not mentioned. But, I WOULD be concerned that they are making comments to your daughter about her weight. Commenting to kids on their weight makes them think that weight is important, that their value is based on their weight, and can lead to problems later. It is okay to ask them not to mention anything at all to your daughter about her weight. My MIL would constantly ask my daughter what her weight was/is.
While I do think you should apologize for yelling, he should still know that it wasn't an appropriate comment. Just because you notice something, and it's true, it doesn't mean that you should comment on it. Otherwise, we'd all be telling people, "You've really gotten grey since I saw you last year," "You seem to be balding" and "I don't think your deodorant is working."