My MIL Has No Common Sense and I Don't Want Her Watching My Kids!!!! Advice???

Hi D., I would not allow them to go any where with your in laws, I am not against drinking either, all thought I have no idea what purpose it serves, but drinking should never be in my opinion done in the presence of children, other adults OK not around children. Your MIL does not make good choices for herself, so what would make your husband think she would make good choices for your children. I let my mom watch my kids twice, after i found out she smoked in my home while watching them, that was the last time, I never said anything to her just never asked her again. J.

She and her husband are alcoholics. Trust me. Just because they aren't the stereotypical drunk (falling down, slurring words, etc) doesn't mean they aren't drunk. There's a think called a functional alcoholic. They are able to drink and maintain fairly normal lives. My mother and stepfather are both functional alcoholics. So, for that reason alone I wouldn't let your sons stay at the camper alone EVER. If, God forbid, there was an emergency and one of your children had to be rushed to the hospital and you MIL & step-FIL were drunk, you'd lose your children. You could even be charged with child endangerment for leaving your children with them. Not a risk worth taking. I had to draw a very firm line in the sand with my own mother. No drinking around my children if you're watching them. NONE. One time she came to my house to babysit my youngest and my mother reeked of alcohol. I asked her to leave and I cancelled our plans for the evening. After that she got the hint. It's very rare she ever drinks around my children, unless I am there to take care of them. Like you, there's a lot of alcohol at my family parties. I don't have a problem with that type of social drinking, but if it gets out of hand, we leave the party. It's time to put your foot down. Explain to your husband that you don't want to lose your children. Men tend to minimize things like this thinking that we mother's are just being overprotective. You're not. Your MIL & step-FIL have impaired judgement from the alcohol. You need to stay close to your boys when they are with them.

If you don't want her watching your kids, then don't let her. Period.

Is this going to start a fight or be an issue of contention - yes. If your husband isn't willing to stand up to his parents, then inevitably you will be "the bad guy". So what?

Now, with that said, I don't think you can "use" her for babysitting either. You don't mention why she was watching your kids at your house in the past, but if you don't trust her with your kids, then you can leave them with her when you're stuck for a sitter either.

As far as the overnighters, and camping trips with grandma and grandpa, I think you're going to need to have a talk with them. You need to explain that YOU will be happy to take the boys camping when your in laws go, but that you are not comfortable with them taking your kids without you.

Be prepared for the anger, rude comments, the "you don't trust us", etc.

I have been in a similar boat. I had to be willing to "be the bad guy". And you know what, I stood up for myself as their mother. Yes, I used the line, that "you had your chance to raise your kids and make appropriate decisions for them and now it's my turn to do the same for my children." AFTER that, there was a period of tension, but everyone has gotten over that, and they have addressed the issues of my concern. Now when they want to have an overnighter or anything outside of a regular visit, they approach my husband and I well in advance, ASK if it would be ok, give us all the pertinent information, etc. We are finally on the path of understanding what the children AND grandparents are capable of handling together, within our comfort levels.

Best wishes. Stand up for yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval. You can tell them you're sorry if they are disappointed with your decisions. (Nonetheless, your decisions for your kids still stand.)

I think your MIL should be able to spend time with your kids - ONLY WHEN YOU ARE AROUND! She should never be allowed to drive them anywhere and if she ever gets into your car again with an open container you should refuse to move until she has emptied it (preferably not down her throat). If she cannot spend time with you without drinking then it is highly unlikely that she is sober when you aren't around. She (and your FIL) are not responsible adults and should not be left alone with your kids - you need to sit down with hubby and have a serious conversation about this, I'm guessing he was raised in an alcoholic situation and he should not want his kids exposed to this. If his parents were not alcoholics when he was a boy then he needs to get his head out of the sand and see that they are now different. He should be supporting you and not make you feel like an overprotective freak.

Good luck and stand firm.

I really don't think you'll get advice that differs widely from what you already know--if it's not safe, then don't let them go without you or your husband. Just tell her no. And explain to your husband why you have made your decision.

I agree that it seems like she has no common sense. But also know that way too many people in this world live this way. I see it everyday in my daycare. I deal with parents and grandparents of literally all ages from teens to retired grandparents. I think almost everyone I've ever dealt with does some things I wouldn't allow. My kids think I'm a paranoid freak.

I say if you can't get comfortable, don't do it. My aunt and I had an argument one day because she was telling me that I don't give my children any room to be kids. She allows her grandsons to run all over her trailer park and one day her grandson (my 2nd cousin) ran right out in front of me as I was driving in. He was only 4 or 5 at the time! The couple of times my daughter was there she let her walk to the park without a grown up, with my cousins older daughters. NO FREAKING WAY! I never allow my kids to play outside without me. I just can't stand it. But I've said on here that I don't believe children of any age should be playing outside and many moms have come in here and defended their way of life that includes their kids having bounderies...yadda yadda yadda. I think it's careless parenting. Most people don't want to hear it.

You don't need to explain or defer to your husband. They are your kids. Just don't let them go.

Your children's safety comes first.

Yikes!

No, you aren't going overboard. Your kids, your decision. Period. Your rules don't have to be liked by anyone, but as the mom/parent, they have to be followed.

Your job is to keep your children as safe as you can and if your MIL can't do that, then she doesn't get to watch them.

Be honest with her. The alcohol would totally stress me out. I have the same problem with my husband's family.

Luckily my MIL has lost interest in taking care of my kids, but early on I told my husband point blank that she would never watch our children because she would hit them. She's a big believer in spanking and hitting. He agreed, but didn't want to say anything to her. But I would have. I did finally tell her that she was making things very difficult for me since she wouldn't speak to any of her ex-husbands and wasn't pleasant to family members and that I felt I needed to make a choice between including her or not for family gatherings. She surprised me by agreeing and telling me she'd act appropriately at the next family gathering. So, you never know.

The problem is that just having good intentions doesn't count for anything. Common sense does.

I'm sorry, I think you need to just step up to the plate and be honest or....just don't allow it to happen and sidestep all of the questions. She can't force you to let her have the kids. Mama's always right and that's you!

Good luck. I don't envy you.

Just be direct. So what if she is offended, it is in the interest of your children. Tell her, were going to skip camp this year, I will bring them up for the week, but then they are coming home.

She just doesn't respect today's law and reasoning behind it. I am sure she figures she has raised a child and it worked, so there is no problem.

Please remember that she managed to raise your husband without any harm coming to him, so she must have done something right.

With that being said, I completely understand and empathize with you. I DO NOT trust my MIL and FIL or SIL to spend any alone time with my girls. I believe they love them, but I do not feel as though they have really gotten to know them. My almost 6 y/o would probably do fine, but I could never send her by herself (they live 1 1/2 hours away). My 3 y/o is allergic to multiple nuts, peanuts, eggs, etc. and from my experiences of family get-togethers, she continually misses or does not read the ingredients and sure enough they are in the product. My daughter becomes anaphylatic to peanuts so it is a big deal to me. I cannot risk her life in that way. Plus she is allergic to dogs and they let their dogs go EVERYWHERE within their home. And the baby, well she's a baby.

My MIL also says she is fearful of driving, so I would NEVER trust her driving my children. So how do I avoid the alone time without directly telling her....the allergy is a no brainer and I make that known. With my oldest, she takes weekly piano and horse lessons and over the summer is involved with 4-H, VBS, story hour at the library, etc., so I have been able to avoid it.

My advice, if you want it, stand up for your beliefs. I think it is very inappropriate for adults to drink irresponsibly in front of children and even one time too much is enough to tell me if they do this when I am around with my children, what will they do when I am not around.

When she comes to your home, your children are more than old enough to know the rules and the consequences when they break them (such as going to a neighbors house, leaving the backyard, etc) when she is watching them. They need to understand that even when grandma says it is okay, it may not be, and they need to do what mom always says to do. The boys should also have your cell phone number posted somewhere so that if you are away and they are told to do something they do not know if they should then they can call you.

Good luck and learn from this so that you will be a much better MIL one day!

It is very difficult I know. We have had a few run ins with my family and what is safe for children posting photos on websites and safe car seats. Somethings you list it is just a different time that in was when you were growing up, people looked after others children and a neighborhood was a neighborhood so there might be some understanding and educating that needs to be done on your part. If she is willing if you tell her and it still happens then you have to do what is needed to keep your children safe. On that same tract the camping thing just tell them you don't feel comfortable because if they need medical attention a parent or legal gardian is the only one who can request medical attention unless their life is in danger so for example if a child go burned they couldn't get medical attention until you got there so you can use an excuse why you don't feel comfortable with your children camping alone with their grandparents.

I agree with you all the way 100%. eing hubby's mom he should pull his pants up and say something about it. But I know from personal experience he probably won't. I had similar issues with my MIL and I blew a fit over it. I am way beyound it now the boys are grown and on their own accord have as little as possible to do with either grandparents. My parents never attend anything envolving my grand kids. They only live 5 houses down and accross the street. My mother does not like Mike's wife. She refuses to pronounce the oldest gradson's name right. She (DIL) treats us very well. We love her. My in laws harp the religion issue to the point my boys could care less if they ever see them again. I would say keep to your guns and let them make up their minds when they are older.

If she has bad common sense I would find someone else to watch my kids. My MIL is much older now and in bad health but when she was in better health she still had bad common sense.
She would leave huge knives on the kitchen table even though she knew myself and my three young children were visiting.
One time she left an open pill container in her room and my daughter went in there and I had to call poison control. We never certain if my daughter swallowed the pill. It turned out to be no big deal if she did swallow the pill.
We go camping quite often and I am not really a drinker. I have about three glasses of wine for the whole year.

There is a time in life to take risks, and times when our bodies tell us not to...It sounds like you already have the answer, you're not comfortable with her watching them. You have many reasons, but it may help if you find one so that you can politely use it to say "no". I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if anyone watching my child (or in the same house as my child) were engaging in recreational drinking - it leads to poor decision-making.

My MIL is the same way.....zero common sense. Huge heart, not so huge brain when it comes to taking care of the little ones. She and my FIL overdosed my daughter on a medication once when they were here visiting and my hubby and I went out to dinner. They read the instructions on the bottle (a few times to be sure, according to them) and gave her more meds than she should have had. We were just out to dinner! If they didn't understand the instructions (which they admitted), then they should have called us! Luckily, there were no ill effects associated with the incident, but I was furious. Anyway, after that, I haven't let her be alone with them again, so I'm in the same boat. We've gone through the pills dropped on the floor thing too when my daughter was crawling age. It's really hard and my MIL struggles with depression, so it is even harder to explain to her why we will let my Mom come and stay with them, but not her. I would just tell her that you want to come with them if they go camping and that you aren't comfortable with them being away from you overnight like that until they are older. The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for your kids. If you aren't comfortable with it, then don't do it because if something happened, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. Good luck. This really is a tough situation.

I actually think your kids are a little young to spend more than one night alone with Grandma and Grandpa anyway. I would just decide that there will be no sleep-overs at this age, and then inform anyone who asks. I had my first sleep-over when I was 4, and it was waaaaay too young. If your MIL and FIL aren't trying to baby-sit, they really want the kids to vacation with them, I think your excuse will have to be that the kids are too young, and you wouldn't let them do it with anyone.

I vote with others.They are your babies to protect. That is a line as mothers we have to keep up no matter who is makes upset. My MIL calls all the time and tells my husband that I hate her because I will not take my children there and leave them. She is all ways wanting to watch them, have them spend the night and so on. My FIL fusses about the same thing too. My two are 10 and 6 now. I still do not take them to either with out me or husband going too. I feel for you because in many ways I am fighting the same fight.

You are not over reacting. I fully agree with you. You need to listen to your heart, gut and mother instincts. It is great she is nice but YOU are the mother. They are your kids and it is up to you and your husband how they are raised. I know you dont want to hurt her feelings however you need to decide what is more important her feelings or your family. If she is that irresponsible it doesnt matter how nice she is because it only takes ONCE for something to happen and not be fixable. If you dont want her watching them and your husband is ok with getting someone else then you should. Also if you dont want them camping then you dont have to let them go and it is as simple as that. Infact, you dont need to even give a reason though it would be nice if you did. She may not realize that she is upsetting you and you should address it before going farther or things could get worse. It may upset her and make her mad or it may open her eyes and make her more responsible but in the end what matters is you, your husband and your children so you need to do what is best for them. Good Luck.

Tell your husband it only takes moment to take away a child's innocence. Who knows what type of people are in and out of their house it's obvious she is also an alcoholic. To ride in someones car with an open beer?! You could have had your children taken away from you had you been pulled over by the police for child endangerment! Honey those are your children, do what you have to do to protect them. It sounds like it is time for you to give your husband and you MIL some tough love. Please protect your boys. Also register for updates on offenders that live in your area as well as your MIL to help your husband and her to understand how dangerous it was to allow your baby to be alone with any stranger, be it male or female.
Tee

Oh, my! My first thought was that your mil and fil should not watch the kids. Then I thought thru the examples you gave and am thinking that it might be safe for them to stay with her under certain conditions. My third thought was that your husband grew up with them and trusts them. Does your husband use common sense? Has he told you any "horror" stories from when he was a child. I also wonder about their ages and physical and mental capacities

First, I would not let them stay alone with the in-laws while camping. Camping is an iffy situation anyway with young children. At 4 and 7 they are still impulsive and require more supervision in a camp ground than they do at home. And.....their grandparents are at work and have other responsibilities as well.

I would also be hesitant to let them stay with anyone who is an alcoholic. Alcoholics can be unpredictable, i.e. the fight, and they are not at all good in an emergency. Even when your mil is sober she could be put in a position in which she would have to divide her attention between her husband and the children.

I became a parent in the mid 80's and learned quickly how different the world had become since I was a teen. My parents and us kids knew everyone in the neighborhood and my parents wouldn't think a thing about having us go next door to play. I wouldn't let my daughter go anywhere until I got to know the adults in the house even when she was older.

It's different still now in the early 2000's. I haven't let my granddaughter play in the neighborhood without my being outside with her until this past year. She just turned 10. Even now she can only play with the boys of the family that lives right next door because I know them and their parents. If there were kids her age in the neighborhood I would go knock on doors and get to know the parents so that she could play outside with the kids.

My daughter lives in an apartment complex with a playground. She won't let her kids play on the playground unless an adult she knows and trusts is also outside near the playground.

I do understand your concern about your mil's common sense. I'm just saying she may be more naive than lacking in common sense and it's something to check out.

As to the beer in the car, it is a concern but it is only going to be a problem if you're in an accident or violate a traffic ordinance or law. I've been in a car with a couple of cop friends who brought their can of beer with them to the car. They've been willing to take that chance. I wouldn't be so hard on her for doing that. I would just tell her up front that you don't want to have an open container in your car and ask her to not get in the car with it. Now, it would be a problem for me if she argued about it instead of just taking it back into the house or tent or?

Because your husband doesn't agree with you and is making you out to be the bad guy, I'd look for a way to compromise. And perhaps you can do this by having a discussion with hm emphasizing when his parents can be around the children. You've said it's OK for them to visit in your home. Emphasize that as a way for them to be together with your kids. I'd also add that they could babysit while they visit you and you go out to dinner with the strict rule that the kids are to stay indoors or whatever you're concerned about. Perhaps they could play on the playground or at the park as long as the mil is with them.

I would not trust anyone outside the house, who is an alcoholic or who has more than a couple of beers or glasses of wine, alone with my kids. I have a very good friend who does handle her alcohol well but she is an alcoholic and I would not leave my grandchildren with her even at their age now, 7 and 10, and even if they were going to stay in the house. She has had a stroke as well which does influence my opinion of her reliability.

I'm careful to not mention visits or being together or doing things to my grandchildren unless their parents have already told me it's OK but I do think I'm in the minority there. It also sounds like your mil has reason to believe that the kids will be coming to stay. It's important to decide upon a boundary and state it early or if you're undecided tell her that you're still thinking about it or that's it's not a sure thing yet.

From what you've written I wonder if boundaries with the grandparents are not well defined and that, understandably, you want to avoid hurt feelings. I've found that the sooner you state what you expect the quicker the hurt feelings will go away. Say things as we statements, meaning your son and I have decided that we want the kids to stay home with us this summer. You don't have to give a reason for the summer plans.

You will want to address the issue of when is it safe to leave the kids alone with them at some time and the sooner the better but I'd wait until later so as to not get the issue of this summer confused with the rest of the time. By doing this, you've given yourself some time to work out the long term picture with your husband.

I suggest that it might help you negotiate with him if you use a different way of talking about this with him. Using I statements is one important way to word your concerns. Instead of saying, they're not safe with your parents, say I feel anxious when they're with your parents. Word things in a manner that does not sound critical of them. Also be sure to bolster your husband so that he can state his feelings without feeling the need to defend his parents.

I suggest reading about a way of communicating called non-violent communication. It's about a way of being and talking that allows the other person to feel comfortable instead of defensive. Their is a web site for it under that term and there is at least one book written about it.

An added thought. My daughter has sometimes been upset about my allowing her kids to do something and we've agreed that when I want to do something out of the ordinary I'll call and ask her about it first. This has been working enabling her to feel more comfortable with what I do with my grandchildren. I've tried telling her that if she would say "your grandchildren" instead of "my children" I'd feel more invested in listening to her. Both refer to the same children and she doesn't lose power by calling them grandchildren. She doesn't understand. lol another example of the generation gap.