My MIL Smokes...

Well, ultimately it is her house. There is nothing you can do about that. Whether they are smoking in the kitchen or in the same room, it still spreads through the house. IF I were you, I would definitely put him in daycare. I only allow my MIL to smoke on the back porch and she respects that.

My mom use to smoke in her house, until I had my now 3yo. then she quit, but after years of smoking, her house was awful, and even though there was no smoking in the home, everytime I left the house my daughter smelt awful like smoke...It may just be the stink of her house...
My mom has since moved, and we have no issues because her new home has never been smoked in.

Yikes. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get by. Especially now, but you are right. The toxins from smoking are just dangerous. Stick some statistics about second hand smoke in her hand. If she knows all, she will want to know that too.

Good luck. Did I say Yikes?

S.

Find new childcare.
I think it is unreasonable to ask someone to babysit for free, at their home, and then also infringe on their daily activities when you/your baby are NOT there. That is too much for someone to handle. It i sone thing to ask her for specific things to be done or not done while you guys are there - but entirely unacceptable to ask her to do those same things when she is alone in her own home.
If you do not like the place you chose to care for you child, find a new place.
I really can't believe I am the only one who thinks it is too much to ask someone to stop smoking in their own home 100% of the time.
Control what YOU can control - which is who provides care for your baby - stop trying to control what other people do on their own time. I find it quite offensive when people tell me how to live my personal life.

Why not have her come to your house to watch him. I'm sure she wouldn't smoke in your house right. This also saves you having to pack him up and take him out or wake him up early. If she is like my MIL, she's not gonna quit, so you'll have to find an alternative. Good luck!

Have you considered asking her to watch the baby at YOUR house instead of hers?

And don't fall in the trap of arguing generational parenting issues with her. Just smile and tell her that's what the Pediatrician wants you to do. That's what I do with my MIL.

Find a new childcare provider soon. If your baby smells like smoke then she is smoking around your baby and it is linked to sids. Ive done childcare in my home for 13 years and im an on and off smoker but do not smoke in my home at ALL! I have 4 children of my own and would not of expose them or any other children in my care to second hand smoke. There are so many other reputable providers out there that would provide safe and quality care for your baby.Good luck.

Hi, if your child smells like smoke, she probally smoking around him, and thinks nothing of it. Her children grew up just fine, she feels your the one being an over reacting mom. Try this, drop him off, wait, a short time, then go streight back, stating you forgot something, and check. Be ready tho, I haven't met a mom yet, that did'nt have a strong motherly intuition. Then mabie get her a air cleaner as a gift & let your husband handle it, hate to see grandma, not see her grand children, but this is your child, she should abide by your rules, good luck.

Second hand smoke is a huge cause of SIDS. If she has a cigarette she has to change her shirt, wash her hands and her face for it not to be transferred to your son. I would be very upset and I would tell her that if this continues anymore that you will be looking at other options for his care. It can also stay in the fabric in her carpet, furniature, and other things and the chemicals will transfer to your son. This is your sons health you are dealing with and I would be adimate about this with her!

I'm with you I hate the smell of smoke. Exspecially when its been in the house longer then you have been on this earth. I would rather pay for daycare then have to subject my cutie to the smell and possibly second hand smoke.

Hi J.,

As a 30-year smoker (I quit 2 months ago), I have to say that I agree with Christine - if your son is coming home stinking of smoke, your MIL is most likely smoking around him.

I never smoked in my house or car & I didn't allow anyone else to, either, whether my son was there or not. Unfortunately, I have no say in what they do in their own. So even though it would be soooo nice if your MIL would put her grandson first and refrain while he's there, you can't really force the issue. Find someone else to watch him. You're not being too picky because it's doing far more than just making him smell!

I wish you all the luck in the world with this. These touchy family issues sure can be a pain. Please let us know how this works out!

L.

How frustrating! I think I'd ask my doctor to say something clear to me about this so I could quote it to both grandmothers, then tell them both that this is what you have learned so from now on this will need to be the policy even though you realize it's inconvenient.
Say that, since they love their precious grandbaby, you're sure they will agree to stop smoking in the house from now on. I'd shoot for both of them smoking only outside from now on. If it doesn't work, you may have to make other arrangements but be very sweet about it -make it only a health issue for your baby not your being personally turned off by the smell. Good luck! Your MIL sounds like she's going to rebel if you try to tell her what to do - one of those!

If you can smell it on him, it is in him. Do what you ahve to do, if he is around it everyday he is at risk. Same thing for your mother.

I am a former smoker and I have a hard time believing that if your son and his things are smelling that badly like smoke that she is not smoking around him. It is possible I suppose but I wouldn't think that just the house smelling like smoke would make him smell like it. The smoke itself is what clings to fabric and makes it smell. If I were you I would ask her to either quit or only smoke outside.

J.,
First off, good for your for standing up for your child and your feelings. Who else is going to be your child's advocate at this age but his loving parents. You would not believe the number of parents who would rather just keep things calm. I would talk to your MIL on a day that she is not watching your child and explain to her that this is a great opportunity/motivation for her to quit smoking-her grandson's health and her own.(Not a bad idea to help your mom quit too):> Express your concern but let her know that you understand how difficult it must be to quit. My husband and I had a son with Premature lungs at birth and my father smokes. Although he was very understanding and worked with us on not smoking, washing hands after smoking and changing clothes if he was going to be around our son; it was difficult for him to understand how the transfer of tar substances, smoke and carcinogens occurs. You may need to solicit the help of your husband to communicate with your MIL if they have a better relationship and he feels the same way you do. I know that I struggle with my MIL and sometimes she just needs to hear something from her son.
Again, don't feel bad. You are making the right decision for your family and regardless of the outcome, you have done what is right for the long-term of your son.

Best of Luck!

You've had a ton of responses but I wanted to add a few things (that might or might not have already been said). There is such a thing as "3rd hand" smoke which has been shown to be as bad or worse as 2nd hand. Smoke clings to clothing, carpet and just about everything else. When you pick your child up and he smells of smoke he has been inhaling that smell, if not the smoke itself, all day which contains more concentrated particles than we give credit to. Small children also but their clothes and the clothes of the smoker in their mouth or very close to their mouths. Small particles of smoke dust, containing all the harmful chemicals also collect on surfaces and toys that your son is putting in his mouth and inhaling all day.

My MIL smokes as well, I know how hard it can be to deal with. I have yet to find a good way to deal with all this, but thought I might at least share what I know.

J.,

I think that if I were in your shoes I would pay for a babysitter who does not smoke and who does not allow anyone else to smoke in their home. There have been studies recently on 2nd and 3rd hand smoke that is actually more dangerous than 1st hand smoke. There are many toxins in the smoke, and people exposed to smoke from a smoker get as much or even more harmful agents than the person who is actually smoking. The third hand smoke is what is scary. This is the stuff that is left on the walls, the carpet and on the furniture of a smoker's house. When babies start to crawl around on the floor, or are sitting on furniture in a smokers home, it can cause then to be exposed to these horrible toxins. These things cause cancer and a whole host of other medical problems. Even though your mother says she does not smoke 24 hrs before watching your son, the fact that she does smoke in the house means that the toxins are in her carpet, furniture, etc, and your son is exposed to this stuff. I'm sorry to be so doom and gloom, but I have a 2 year old and I would absolutely not expose him to 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. Good luck J..

Follow your gut on this one! It is hard to ask her not to smoke in her own home. You could ask her to watch him at your house, no smoking in your house, right? If he smells like smoke, she IS smoking around him and lying to you about it. That's a hard one, but at least you have your husband to "sort of " back you up.
I would let the other stuff go...back vs tummy, any grandma advise. She is just trying to help. Just smile and say thanks. I came from the tummy era too, all 3 of mine were tummy sleepers and they are alive and well! :)

I agree that it sucks that your baby smells all the time. Could you put his carseat & other stuff he isn't using WHILE he's there in the garage or in the car or something so that if she needs it she's still got it but his "stuff" won't smell?

As far as the smoking in her house thing goes... as long as she doesn't do it while he's there I don't really see what more you can do aside from getting someone else to watch him. It is HER house and it's really her choice if she smokes there as long as it isn't while he's there. If you don't like it, I'm afraid to say, you'll just have to find somewhere else to take him. The smoke DOES stick around for a while after and it DOES stick to clothing and carpet and other porous things. It sucks, but truthfully, I'd think it to be rude to ask her to NEVER smoke in her own home.

Could she maybe come to your house to watch him? At least part time? It's an idea anyways!

Well of course she doesn't realize he smells. She's used to the aroma of smoke and doesn't notice or know the difference. It's with her every day, hour, minute and can't detect anything out of the ordinary.
Is there a reason your mom couldn't watch him? Or maybe split it between the two grammys? Otherwise you're looking at childcare. Maybe if you seriously started looking into childcare it would give you incentive to stand up to MIL's selfishness and say it's not a healthy environment for your son to be in a smoke infested house. You do need to be strong and address this because MIL is in denial and obviously can do no wrong. It's your child and if hubby backs you up, then go for it.

We have the same issue, and we've even asked that our in laws come to our home smoke free...not too much to ask when they are entering my home and bringing all of the smell AND the worst thing is the chemicals and carcinogens that they are bringing in on their clothes, skin and hair. If they come smelling like smoke, we don't ask them to come back. we NEVER go to their homes, as they smoke in them, and i'd like to have my body clean!
There is such a thing as third hand smoke - and it does transfer to your baby from their skin/hair/clothes (just being in house that has been smoked in - your baby is still breathing in all of the deadly chemicals from their smoke). It gets on your babies skin (their chubby little hands that are always touching eyes and going into their mouths - YUCK)

Tell her Dr's orders and find a new daycare.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke...

Smokefree - PLEASE READ - MAYBE IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE TOO http://www.makemiairsmokefree.org/docs/Grand%20Rapids%20R...

http://www.lung.ca/protect-protegez/tobacco-tabagisme/sec...

http://www.calmedfoundation.org/rxchange/pdfs/otherpdfs/E...

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/maternal/messages/54748.html

http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/shs.html

http://makemiairsmokefree.org/know-the-facts.php

As others have said second hand smoke even if it is in another room is still harmful to a baby. They even say if someone smokes they should change thier clothes before they hold an infant. I know many people want to act like this is not true but the facts are there! Look up some information on line and print it out for your mother in law and parents. Then ask if they can watch your baby at your own house that way they will not be tempted to smoke around the baby. You are the baby's advocate he only has you to speak for him. I know good daycare is hard to find but this is your sons health. Good luck:)

I don't know if this will help or not, but my daughter was a preemie and when we brought her home the Dr's were very adamant that she not be around smoke - period. That if we were with smokers, that they should shower and change clothes before holding her - that she would breath in the smoke from their clothes and it could really harm her immature lungs and could have some serious consequences.

Now, with your son @4months, and probably being born with fully developed lungs it probably isn't as much of an issue with his health, but I still wouldn't like him breathing in all that 2nd hand smoke.

Good luck-
J.

Hey J.,
So my Mom watches my daughter while were at work, and she is a smoker. I don't care that she smokes, all i ask is that she goes outside when she is there. Normally she smokes in the house, but not when Maddie is there, she waits until she takes a nap and goes out on the patio, I hate to tell you this but Maddies car seat/bundle me, Diaper bag, clothes and herself don't ever smell like smoke when I pick her up, I would say that you MIL, is most likly going in to another room, opening a window and smoking in the house :(. I hope Im wrong, but it sounds likly. I would just flat out tell her that your baby, and his belogings smell like smoke when you pick him up and if it continues that you will be finding other means of child care. Maybe tell a little white lie and say when he comes home from there he is super stuffy and has problems with that, but not on days she does not watch him, i know it seems a little mean, but maybe something will click in her head, and if not, then I would really find other day care!

Good luck!

J.,
Second hand smoke is unbelievably bad for little ones. I have read research where it can increase the chance of SIDS. I'm not trying to scare you but maybe if you show your MIL the statistics, that may help... If it's at all financially possibly, I would consider taking your child elsewhere... With all the environmental toxins our kids are exposed to today, they're at a much larger disadvantage than we were as kids. My mom likes to say the same thing "Well, it was good enough for you and you turned out fine" when I talk about wanting to use all-natural foods and cleaning products in my home (my mom doesn't quite understand). The non all-natural stuff WAS fine for our generation as kids because the rest of the environment wasn't as polluted. But now it's so bad that our kids' systems are being overwhelmed with fighting off all the toxins which is why we see such a spike in things like Autism, ADHD, Asthma, Allergies, etc. I suggest you either show your MIL some solid evidence on how the smoke can hurt your baby or perhaps consider an alternative... I don't envy your position. It's hard because we know our moms and MILs love our kids dearly but it's truly a different world :(

I agree with you 100% about not wanting a baby around smoke, and frankly if he smells that strongly when you pick him up I would highly suspect that she is smoking in the house with him there. That being said, she is watching your son daily for free. Personally, if I requested a caregiver do or not do something around my child and they did not respect my wishes, I would find a new caregiver. If this is not an option for you, I would make your husband approach her being that it is his mom, but if she is determined to do things her way, she will probably just get better at hiding it.

Hi J.,

I understand your issue. Both my father and father-in-law smoke and we don't want our son around it either. Fortunately my father only smokes outside. My mother-in-law used to watch our son for us. To resolve the issue we had her come to our house rather than us going there. We spend very limited time at their house due to the smoke and instead have them come to us. Perhaps that is a possible solution for you.

Good Luck,

J.

Personally, I would not even let my children into her house. I made the few members of my extended family who smoke change their shirts, or hold a blanket over their shirts and wash their hands before holding either of my children. I don't visit them in their homes anymore. Smoke can cause all sorts of health problems, esp in young children.

You cannot require her to quit smoking and unfortunately what she does in her own home is her own buisness. And you will never know for sure, but my guess is she smokes around your baby.

I would find alternative care.

Good luck.

Hi J., For your babies sake I would find another sitter. The situation maybe tense for awhile but you are exposing your little one to pollutants that will cause him lung problems and ear infections. I am a peds nurse working in a very busy office. The amount of children that have recurring ear infections, sinus infections, constant runny noses and respiratory problems ( asthma, croup, wheezing, Sob) due to exposure is very frustrating. The Dr. and I feel very strongely that children shouldn't be put in a position where they are forced to breathe dirty air. If she really loved and cared for her grandson she would not smoke around him or in his environment at all.

Hi J....I feel for you. Do some research on second-hand smoke and then find another sitter, or ask your MIL to watch your baby at your home.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is so hard to have a new family, and then deal with the "ways" the other familes think things should be. With that being said though, this is your baby, and your family now. You need to protect your baby at this age from the hazards that smoke can cause. It is so dangerous for a baby to breathe in any type of smoke. I agree with the others here that if she wasn't smoking in the house, he wouldn't smell that bad. Blame it on the doctor, anything, if that helps to make you comfortable. My MIL was and still can be quite the arguing type, thinking she is always right, so I do understand. Remind her, times have changed, and all the tests they have uncovered in the last 30 years have taught them so much. Get her a copy of What to Expect the first year, anything to help her understand. BUT remember, this is your baby, so do not let that have any influence on what you believe. Stay strong, and if you need to, find a new daycare.

Here are a few things to consider...

Second hand smoke is worse than the person smoking as there is a filter on the cigarette and it least they don't get quite as much nicotine. It is an addiction. She is harming your son's health. Her health is her business, it is her choice. She can only stop, if she wants to.

In my opinion you can do one of three things: continue to let her babysit him, continue to let her babysit him and either you or her buy some type of air purifier to get rid of the smoke and let him breathe cleaner air (I have an air purifier and it works GREAT), or take him to a daycare.

My husband and I don't smoke. So I do understand your concern.

If you would like to know which air purifier I use, email me.

Good luck! This is a sensitive situation.

M.

Well, you really only have two choices. She can watch him or you can take him to daycare. It's not fair to request that she not smoke in her own home (although you are perfectly justified in demanding that she not smoke in the house when he is there). Can you leave the carseat and stuff in the garage so it doesn't smell? Smoke is horrible to a non-smoker and there is no 'little bit' about it...the slightest hint of it stinks! I would hate for their relationship to suffer b/c of the fact that she smokes, and I'm sure you feel the same way. Maybe you could just say that the doctor asked if he was around smoke b/c he smelled it on him (or something like that) and just keep on her about not smoking in her house AT ALL! ...even for her sake!

~L.

Hi J.,
Unfortunately, after reading this, you may decide that its time to find a new sitter - including your mother's own home! Recently, new studies have been reported with regard to "third-hand smoke" (TPS). Do a google search for "third hand smoke" and just open a few of the first million links that come up. It's on pretty much every news station now, was on Good Morning America, The Today Show, The Doctors, and many other news programs. The sad part is that even if you've QUIT smoking in your home ENTIRELY, the carcinogins stick around in materials (carpets, rugs, furniture) for YEARS. Small children, especially young ones who are crawling, are much closer to the "source" (i.e., carpeting, etc.) and therefore at a high risk for of problems associated with TPS. TPS has been linked to cognitive defects and reports show that the higher the exposure level to children, the lower their reading scores. One article I found on the internet reported "even extremely low levels may be neurotoxic." Again, just do a google search and perhaps print out one of the better articles you find and give one each to both your mother and MIL. I'm certainly not perfect and, unfortunately, am a smoker myself. However, I quit smoking in my home before my first was born, and do not smoke in my car (even when the kids aren't with me, because it attaches to the fabric). If my children go someplace where they're around smoke that I have no control over, I change their clothes as soon as we get home. It really is a true danger, and you have very valid reasons for your concerns. Good luck, and keep us posted on how it goes!

You wouldn't be asking your MIL to quit smoking simply because your son smells. It's the reason that he smells. What you're smelling are dangerous carcinogens. Your son is at risk for asthma, SIDS, and more. Please take him to a smoke free day care. You can't put a price on his health and well-being!!! Your MIL will have to get over it. This is serious. This is dangerous. Good Luck!

This is a tough situation. However, it seems like she's doing you a huge favor watching him for free, so don't bite the hand that feeds you... If it really bothers you, then you should seek other childcare. You should not be trying to force your MIL to quit smoking. She says she's not doing it while he's there, so that's about as much as you can ask. Things like sleeping on the back and such are reasonable demands, but her smoking addiction is something SHE has to want to quit before it will happen.

Hope you can find a solution that makes everyone happy! Best wishes!

J.,

First off, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's never easy.

However, the second you take your child to someone else's house you waive your right to tell them what to do. It is her house, ya know?

If you don't want your baby to smell like smoke, it is in your child's best interest (and your sanity) to move him to another daycare. I know you don't want to pay for it, but do your "homework" and find a great in home provider.

You MIL will not change her ways, because it is her house and she is entitled to do what she wants, whether your child is there or not.

Good luck!

I hate to tell this to you. Because your not going to like it. One your mom does smoke when your child is there she just is called a clean smoker so she either goes outside when he is sleeping or she opens windows. Until hes old enough you won't be able to ask. At least she needs pluses for being clean smoker. The MIL is a dirty smoker shes like my mom. She will not stop and she may try not to smoke while your son is there but she still does. To be honest with you it doesn't matter if she does or doesn't if her house smells like it in which my moms does. He is goign to smell like it. Until summer comes and windows are open you are going to have to deal with it. She sounds like my mom and there set in there ways and your just wasting energy if you think your going to change her. Sorry!! I have the same problem with my mom and her smoke. Than with my MIL I have issues of disapline with my children. She doesn't do anything but sit on her rump. My kids beat each other up and she just ignores them. SO I here where your comming from. Good Luck!!!