My Niece and FaceBook

I don't know what to tell you. But I too am shocked by this stuff. I even have a classmate who has pics of his kids posted that are these kind of photos. I am in shock these days!

There is no way on God's green Earth that I would not say something and my sister would rip me a new one if I let my daughter do that! I busted my niece on myspace (no pictures) but she had said that she was 19 and she was using foul language and talking to boys (she's also 13). Her parents had no idea and she lost her computer and her bedroom door. My little girl is almost 10 and she will not be allowed to do anything like that ever until she's out of my house and I'd still be on her case after that!

First, accept her friend request. Second, call your sister and tell her that you are concerned because there are predators even on Facebook and your nieces photos make you concerned that someone could try to target her. Third, talk to your niece and keep building relationship with her. She will feel safe with you, knowing that you love her, and will hopefully be receptive to you telling her that you are worried about her.
You are a great auntie to be so concerned for your niece!

I would call her and just in the course of talking mention that you got a friend request from her. Then say something like, "WOW -I almost didn't recognize her she's grown up so much! It seems like she was just a little girl and now her pictures look so sexy!" Say this all in a light-hearted, conversational tone -no judgment -and just see where your sister takes it. You'll have to go from there. If your sister thinks it's no big deal, you may want to ask her if it bothers her, but it's hard to tread that line where she won't become defensive and think you're attacking her parenting. Regardless, 13 year old girls certainly don't need to post photos of themselves provocatively or looking like little hookers on FB or anywhere else. I have young cousins and nieces on FB in that same age range and a little older, and they're "normal" teens with active social lives, but they don't have pictures like that on their sites.

Does your sis get on FB much? Some people open an account and then never have time to go back, she may very well be unaware of what her daughter is doing (and I totally agree that it is inappropriate). Your sis might be ignorant to the way FB works and has not accessed her daughters albums. I think it does warrant a phone call from you to your sis and tell her you were a little "thrown" by some of your nieces photos and just wanted to make sure she is aware of them. IF your sis is a little less tame than you, and you feel this is probably not something she would find negative, you might just need to bite your tongue and call it "typical" if that's what it is.
Don't start a sister fight if you don't have to. I'm sure the outcome is going to be soley based on what your current relationship with your sister is.
ADD ON:
Might be a good idea to message your niece and maybe get a rapport going with her, it's nice to have an Aunt that cares about your well being.

It's possible that the mother isn't able to see these pictures, friends or not. Facebook has privacy settings so you can change who sees your albums and posts. It's possible that the mother has been blocked by the child from seeing these photos.

Personally, if it were me, I would accept the friend request, and then the next time I talked to my sister I would tell her about the pictures. 13 year olds have no idea what can happen to them when they post pictures like this. Because she is a product of divorce, chances are good that one or both parents are more worried about being friends with her rather then parenting her. They feel guilty that this has happened, and so they indulge the child's every whim. This child needs to realize what could happen if the wrong person gets a hold of these pictures.

I am friends with my brother's kids too, but they are all 16 yo and older. Tthat said, my brother's wife has actually said, "I am so glad you all (aunts and uncles) are friends with my kids of FB. It makes them really aware of what they post."
I think you should "friend" her and in the true spirit of FB if she is putting it out there - comment on them honestly - goodness knows, I have. Let her know people are looking and it is not nice what they are seeing.
Your plan for a discussion with your sister sounds perfect! It takes a village and you are not judging her, you are just concerned about your neice and if you come from a place of love and support, she will see that.
Yeah to you for being an aunt who cares!

If you think the behavior is harmful and inappropriate for your niece I would say something. Yes most behavior is considered normal/common these days but that is only because most parents and adults are not speaking up and letting the small things slide and they turn into even bigger issues. With that being said say what you have to say in love and not in conviction or judgement.

there is a thin line here, but because her mom is also "friends" with her, you may have some leeway. If you were the only one she was friending, I would worry about her blocking you if she didn't like your comments, and no one would be able to see what she was up to.

You can talk to your sister about it and just see what is going on, or you can message your niece with something like - Wow, I had no idea this was you until I did some research! What's going on with all these provocative pictures? You might want to be careful, EVERYONE can see these.

Now, that does depend on your relationship with both sister and niece.

Since you know her mom knows about these pictures and her "yummy" name. You can't really say anything to the mom. Send the niece a private message giving her some kind "Auntly" advice, but ignore the friend request. If you accept it you will just constantly be tempted to say something and you will have to live with the daily disappointment of your sister and her daughter.

Honestly, I would call your sister. I would try hard NOT to sound like you're criticizing her parenting, but just say,

"Hey, I was on FB the other day and well, something just came up I wanted you to know about. I got a friend request and at first I thought it was a joke because the name was *******. The profile picture was sort of sexy- lots of makeup and an off the shoulder top and it took me a minute to realize it was Susie! I just wanted to let you know, because I so surprised by the fake name and the picture. I know I would want someone to let me know if it was one of my girls."

Then I would let her take it from there. If she says " Oh, yes, Susie and I were just kidding around, I know all about it!" you might say something like " Oh, are you sure that's safe?" or just drop it.

But if she DOESN'T know about it, I am betting that although she might be a little embarrassed, she will be very glad you told her!I know I would be.

After that, it is really up to your sister how she handles it. But- definitely Friend your niece under her fake name and her real one- relatives keeping in touch is a great way to just keep an eye on kids who have FB accounts!

I would tell your sister right away. My friend's daughter had posted things and she blocked certain people from them. One of them was my friend. It's weird that she "friended" you with this profile.

Obviously you are upset I would talk to your sister. See if she has seen them and if she is okay with them. There is nothing you can do about it and I wouldn't make a judgment to her. About accepting it that is up to your judgment as to what you think is okay to have on your page.

I have older nephews, early 20's and 1 of them can use explicit language but I keep him on due to he can get badly depressed and I talk to him when he makes comments that worry me.

If I were you? I would get on the phone and quietly ask your sister if she has seen the pictures. If she has no issue with them there is nothing really you can do about it. If you are friendly with the dad you may want to contact him as well.
Add her as a friend, send her a note letting her know you think the pictures are "cute" but too provocative for someone her age.
I would want you to bring it to my attention if it were my child.

Hi S.,

What a lot of people don't realize is that there are certain areas and certain photo albums that can be blocked from individuals. Your sister may actually not know that these pictures are there!!!

Good luck!

M.

You have to call your sister and you should "friend" your niece and be there for her. My daughter is 14 and although I check her profile and posting pretty frequently, and even have access to her signon and password and occasionally go on FB as her to check confidential stuff (a rule in our household) sometimes I miss things. Actually our youth pastaor called me 2 weeks ago to ask me did I realize my daughter had signed up on formspring and invited confidential comments. Although I had seen in in the midst of a busy day it went out of my head and I was truly pleased that another responsible person called me. Actually one of the other youth sponsors who was away at college had noticed it and emailed our youth pastor. (formspring is almost always a horrible situation because most people who want to post confidentail comments only have awful things to say and are frequently outright evil lies - some of the comments on my daughters were that she makes out with her father and little brother...)

While FB can be a good way to stay in touch especially for busy adutls, for middle & high school students it is very much about status and projecting the person they want people to see them as. Since your niece has been through a divorce with her parents and sounds to be back and forth between both parents' houses she could be screaming out for someone to pay attention to her and love her. And yes teens sometimes post crazy pictures but the provacative nature of these is bound to have her labeled at her school as a sl_t - a term that kids throw around quite a bit these days.

My daughter is dying to have a boyfriend and we won't let her date yet - but since she got to HS she's had many invitations (she's pretty and tall). the bottom line is that she wants to change her FB status from "Single" to "In a relationship" becuse "everyone but the nerds" have are "In a relationship" on FB. FB is the new social arbiter of who's who in school.
My youth pastors strongly suggest that teenage girls really need their dads to be very heavily invested in their lives or they are going to give themselves to the first pimply faced boy who says "I love you". At this age they are so innocent about how boys/men react to their sexually charged poses and attire. They're unaware of physical reaction of boys - they think boys are like girls when they're just not. They desperately want to be loved, hugged even kissed - but as much as they seem to know just what they are doing with their provative nature, they are still clueless.
I would use the approaches outlined by many of the other posts here below -and call your sister. Do everything you can to not put your sister on the defensive. Do you ever talk to her ex-husband? Suggest that he give his girl hugs, that he takes her out for breakfast - just the two of them, that he tells her he loves her. He may be a complete jerk or a nice guy - either way I'm sure he does love his daughter - he just doens't know what to do with a 13 yr old girl. And he needs to know that more of just hanging out, looing over her shoulder, giving her a hard time are all part of what she really wants. She needs to know that someone is there to protect her becuase deep down she's scared and for Pete's sake, she's only been on the planet for 13 years.
Finally - friend your neice - try not to post comments if you can avoid it. My daughter HATES is when I comment on her posts so I have stopped. But it sounds like this girl needs a friend who has both feet on the ground. Offer to take her shopping if you can afford it - use FB as an excuse to get to know her again. When you accept her friend request say - so glad you friended me "desert" (the name she used) - we should go have a "desert name" together. You can use this time to drop pearls of wisdom ask her for her opinion on stuff - listen to her. If she doesn't have money offer her a way to earn some with you (give the dog a bath, watch the kids while you do a few things around the house, help her vacuum, rake the leaves, etc.). When I was her age my parents divorced and my older sister became like a favorit aunt to me. She was grown up and married and she'd pay me to vacuum her apartment, etc - and she'd take me shopping. It was nice to have another person care about me and pour themselves in to my life. I am still more clost to this sister than to my other sibilings.
This child needs you - kids need lots of adults to care about them and to speak the same truths to them. She may have friended you becuase she thought you're a safe person she can count on to not yell at her.

My cousin's kids were chatting and meeting gross, old men at the mall. The mother was alerted to their pervy photos by another relative and began spying on her kids. Even after they were caught and the police called in to scare them, they kept talking to total strangers online, even during holiday dinner at grandmas. She had to remove the computer from the house finally until they were older.
My nieces and their friends invited boys from facebook to come visit when their parents were out of town. These thugs drove two states. The police pulled them over because it was a tiny town and they were wandering around looking for my nieces. They were run out of town and threatened with arrest as the driver was 19(not 16) and the sheriff convinced them he ran the town. The sheriff said he had a record, but I don't know. It really didn't scare them at all.
The nieces stepcousin ran away with a MAN she met online at age 16. Her parents drove to the big city, found the man, assalted him, and physically threw their daughter in the car. It was bad. The police got involved. A year later she eloped with some other guy she met online, but was of age.
**I met my husband online. I was a nerdy schoolteacher on a family site.
I ran a background and credit check(to make sure he wasn't living with someone and just not married). I was in my midthirties.***

I would call your sister and be frank with her. Say that I saw the pics on facebook and have to alert you to the dangers of posting this kind of photo on the net. It is very easy for a child predator to get their hands on those pictures. This is apparantly easy to do. There was a billboard in Europe with a photo of an american child that was taken, unauthorized, from the parent's facebook page. I would also say that this will seriously damage your nieces job prospects as most hring managers do a FB search.

The thing is that I can go create a hundred accounts and not use my real name, almost all of my friends have alter accounts to play the games so they aren't putting real information out there to people they don't know, all it takes is an active email account and you can create a hundred a day if you wanted to on various free providers such as yahoo.com.

Your sister may not have seen these particular photos or even know about this account. But you did say she is friends with her on the account, but she is showing very poor judgement if she is supporting her daughter in this venue. I would report the account as inappropriate and use the age information as the reason you are reporting it. You go to her profile page and it may be on her wall or information but on the left, close to the bottom it has "report this person", when you click on it a menu will come up and you can select various reasons as to why you are reporting it.

She is your niece, so I would accept the friends request and leave it at that. If the pictures are really that bad you could ask your sis if she has seen them and what she thinks, but if she says she has and they are fine with her, than drop it.

Considering that Facebook is for kids 16 and up, your niece clearly had to lie about her age to sign up for it - that's problem #1. Problem #2 is that children that age rarely are educated properly on how to use the privacy settings on these social networking sites and therefore are easy prey for people with the wrong intentions. Problem #3 is that at the age of 13 I don't think she fully realizes the repurcussions of dressing and acting provocatively. Your sister AND ex-brother-in-law both need to sit your niece down and have a serious discussion with her that her actions are not OK. In the meantime, I would accept her friend request and keep an eye on her. Someone has to.