My Overly Sensitive 4 Year Old

I think you need to get her into activities that she can feel good about and build her confidence. My son does karate and it has helped his confidence. He often gets self-conscious and in only 1 1/2 months I have seen a major improvement. Kids who are confident are much less likely to be bullied and if they are, they can shrug it off better.

I think that you worrying about her feelings is how she got into the place that you are so worried about now. "Protecting" her only really really hurts her when you can no longer be around to do the protecting. What do you do when she falls down or makes a mistake? I laugh at my kid when she eats it (granted as long as its minor and i know she's really okay) and then she laughs and we all laugh together. We've taught her how to laugh at herself and to not take things too seriously.. We joke with her and "pick" on her and in the same breath let her know she is SO special and so loved, I don't tell her she's amazing at everything because, um, she's three and she's not. If she tries to throw a ball and it lands a foot in front of her she knows that she's not great at it but if she practices she can be.. I owe all of that to my amazing husband because if not for him "making her tough" (lol) she would be this fragile, emotionally dependent kid. Now you can walk up to her and tell her "your hair looks ugly" and she'll say "um yeah right, my hair is AMAZING!" Start backing off, start laughing at yourself in front of her when you do something stupid.. Break out the photo album and show her those horrid pictures from when you were younger (we all have them!) and make fun of yourself (not depreciatingly). If she sees that YOU can laugh at yourself that'll help her learn to not take her self and her emotions so seriuosly.. Worst case scenario she looses it when some kid makes fun of her (it WILL happen, sooner rather than later) just be ready to arm her with the right things to do and say and just keep talking to her about it. Its not too late to teach her to be confident and not take herself too seriously!

You have to let them fail, fall, and pick themselves back up. Protecting them does them no good.

I would maybe put her in a martial art or other activity that will help build her up. You really can do this at home, too.

When she has a hard minute, wait until she cools off and then help her build skills around dealing with other people.

"You seemed upset earlier. Did something happen that helped you feel sad?"
"Johnny said he didn't want to play with me."
"Oh, yah, when Johnny said that you felt sad. Can you think of a time when you wanted to play alone?"
"No."
"I can. I remember when we were at Aunt Margret's house and Sally wanted you to play her game, but you wanted to draw instead. Even though you felt sad about it, it's okay for Johnny to want to play a different game or with someone else. Grownups sometimes need time to spend with a certain friend or by themselves too. It can be hard, but it's important."
"No, he was mean."
"Well, what can you do about that? If someone hurts your feelings, is there something you can do to help yourself feel better?"
And then come up with some coping skills to practice. In our house these are often,
- take space
- talk about it with someone who wants to listen
- find a different buddy to hang out with
- make up a game to play by yourself

And, at the end of the day, we get to make ourselves happy, even when life doesn't go the way we want. Good luck!

this is one of those times i'm glad my son has a dad who is present in his life....my son was/is a VERY sensitive kid. very sweet, very emotional, very sensitive all around. my mother (who is NOT my husband's biggest fan) brought it to my attention the other day that he could really benefit from more alone time with his dad. his dad tends to be a more strict disciplinarian than i am, actually has been very tough on our son imo, so i find i am often in "protect my baby" mode. to put it bluntly i think i have coddled him a bit. not that i would change a hair on his head -but he can be a bit over sensitive and dramatic at times. now that he is 6 and in kindergarten, i can see where he may have some trouble fitting in with his classmates, especially the boys. so i have determined to encourage he and his dad to do stuff JUST the two of them, more often.

i think it's like anything. until they are exposed to it, they're not going to learn how to deal with it. she may have to learn (eventually, and slowly, not just throwing her in a shark tank) to deal with criticism and disappointment...sometimes as moms i think we try to cushion them a little more than might be good. just my two cents.

as far as bullying i think it's good to prepare her. tell her that sometimes there are people who say not nice things, and give her tools so that she knows how to handle it if that happens. whether it's tell the teacher (at this age), or how to let it slide off her back and not bother her, later on. we have to teach them or they won't know.

good luck!

is this your assessment &/or has any other adults mentioned this to you?

Been working with kids for 25+ years now. Quite frequently, the parents assessment does not match that of teachers/leaders/etc. Since your child is in a preschool, talk to the teacher about this! You may find that you are worrying more than you need to be. :)

Just had a 3yo move from my daycare to a preschool...as planned since birth. Mom was concerned that her child would be non-social in group activities, & all has been well! Mom is relieved & happy, & is quite taken aback at the lack of issues at prechool. She expected the worst!

Sooo, if after taking a step back & really assessing your daughter, you may find that she needs another outlet to build self-esteem. Any sports or dance will provide that character building!

You have to let her know it is ok to fail, not be liked and let her know she can laugh at herself and that nobody is perfect. Enforce that and not protect or pamper her. She has to know that there will be bad and good and she just needs to try and try again. The world does not end when she does not get her way.

I have an extremely sensitive five year old. We work with him to help give him the words to handle situations appropriately. For example, his shoe lace was coming undone a lot at school, and the boy who is always in line behind him would step on his shoe lace, to try to trip him. He can tie his laces well, it turns out those ones are slippery, so we changed the laces to fix the shoe problem, but more importantly, we talked through who to say, to whom and how (loudly!). eg "STOP STEPPING ON MY LACES. I DONT LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT." It communicates to the child what action needs to be done, AND the teacher (because he is defending himself loudly). That technique has worked well for us.

I discovered by accident that when a child is really good at something, they absolutely shine from the inside out. My older daughter begged at age 4 to be put in ballet. I relented, and she just LOVED it. She had a great teacher and just took to dance like a fish to water. When she started kindergarten, she would proudly tell her friends, "I'm a ballet dancer!" (And of course, then her new friend would say, "I play soccer. Wanna go play on the swings?")

It doesn't even have to be a sport, I don't think. It could be art, music, cooking, gardening, speaking a foreign language, anything the child really loves and feels like they're talented with. Maybe it's the confidence of being GREAT at something, or maybe it's just the knowledge that there's more to life than being Little Miss Popularity at recess... you know?

Anyway, that approach has worked well with both of our daughters. My girls had to change schools because we relocated when they were in 3rd and 1st grades. My older daughter ran up against a girl who attempted to bully her. My daughter, by that time, had such a confidence about her that she was able to put the would-be bully firmly into place, and by the end of the year, the two girls were even friends! Who would have known that a ballerina could be so tough? LOL