My Son Does Not Sleep Through the Night

Understanding the Connection Between Sleep & Behavior

There's a lot more to a good night's sleep for your child than just putting him to bed. Setting a bedtime routine, avoiding or being aware of and prepared for disruptions, and using strategies to calm a child are all part of the quest for a good night's sleep.

By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

On a recent Saturday evening, I watched as excited families paraded into a packed stadium for a high school playoff game. Babies gazed wide-eyed at the bright lights, schoolchildren raced up the steps of the bleachers, and teens took off to join equally giddy friends. Everyone was having a wonderful time. There was just one problem. That game would not end until 11 p.m., and every family's sleep schedule would be thrown wildly off track.
Come Monday morning, how many of these parents would make the connection when their baby constantly fussed, their 8-year-old had a meltdown over getting dressed, and their 15-year-old wouldn't get out of bed? Would they, as I once did, miss the connection and instead react impatiently - frustrated with the "misbehavior" - and never realize that their children were simply not getting enough sleep.
Years of working with families whose children were "misbehaving" have convinced me that the real culprit is often simply lack of sleep. Once parents learn to recognize the connection between sleep and behavior, and the symptoms of sleep deprivation in their children, they can implement measures that dramatically improve family life.
The 3 T's of Good SleepTo experience deep restorative sleep, a child's brain needs to know it is time to sleep. And his body needs to be calm enough to sleep. Achieving these goals is entirely possible if parents understand three key factors - tension, time and temperament - and how each relates to sleep.Tension - Your child has to feel calm and safe. Many children cannot sleep because their bodies are in a state of high alert at bedtime. A skipped nap, an anticipated event, a change in schedule, family tension - all of these things can throw a child into alert. When this happens, extra calming measures are needed throughout the day. In fact, a good night's sleep begins in the morning! Begin your child's day with a sense of calm and loving connection. Greet him warmly when he rises and leave time for an unhurried family breakfast. Such interactions actually slow heart and pulse rates, and buffer against the day's stresses. At bedtime, your child's room is her "nest.” It should communicate that this is a place to unwind and sleep. Eliminate clutter, TV and computer use. Offer a soothing touch - a back scratch or gentle massage. With an older child, you can bring in a glass of water and talk for a few minutes. End the day with a sense of calm, connection and protection. Time (the body clock) - A child's body clock is the control center for the sleep/wake cycle. It tells his body to be awake during the day and to sleep at night. Your child may need help setting his body clock. Cues such as bedtime routines, lighting and a regular sleep-and-wake schedule are all things parents can do to help a child develop a healthy sleep/wake cycle.But before creating new cues for your child, consider whether you've done something to tamper with his sleep/wake cycle in the first place. The decisions you make throughout the day can innocently confuse your child's body clock. If you've ever offered your child a caffeine beverage after lunch, let him skip a nap, allowed him to stay up late as a reward or roughhoused with him right before bed, you may have innocently disrupted his body clock.Not getting Enough Z's?Symptoms of a sleep-deprived child include:"Loses it" over little thingsExperiences frequent meltdownsActs frenzied and wildSeems more clumsyHas trouble staying focusedPerforms poorly on tasks that you know he can doHas trouble wakingCraves carbohydratesPicks on siblings If you're seeing one or more of these behaviors, it is likely that your child is missing sleep.
Temperament (knowing your child) - All is not equal in the land of sleep. Every child is an individual. And some have inherited temperaments that are more - more sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, lights, textures and emotions. Their reactions are often more intense and they may be slower to adjust to change than others. "Spirited children" find it far more difficult to switch into sleep mode than their more placid peers. Instinctively, they turn to their parents for comfort and help in calming down. These children should never be left to cry themselves to sleep! Their distress levels are real and will only rise if left untended.Five temperament traits tend to make sleeping far more difficult, including:· The Intense Child is a living staircase of emotion. This child needs adult help to calm himself and doesn't want to be put down or left alone. He benefits greatly from soothing touch or having a story read to him while sitting in your lap. He requires time to unwind before bed. His sleep and nap times must be protected because, once overtired, he struggles fiercely to control his strong emotions.· The Sensitive Child notices everything, from a slight noise, to differences in taste or texture, to changing sights and the emotions of those around him. First, believe your sensitive child when she says something is bothering her. She really can't sleep until the tag is cut out of her pajamas or the TV in the living room is turned off. Having a "nest" to sleep in is particularly important to her. Blankets and pillows need to smell and feel right. Put her bed in a cozy corner, rather than floating in the middle of the room.· The Slow-to-Adapt Child has difficulty shifting from one thing to another. This child needs consistent bed and awakening times to help set his body clock for sleep. Preparation is key. He needs fair warning and cues that bedtime is approaching so that he can begin the transition to sleep. Cue him with activities such as dimming the lights, pulling the shades and putting away toys. Changing his pre-bedtime routine is upsetting to him. Build in time for him to awaken slowly in the morning.The Irregular Child is unpredictable; she never falls asleep at the same time of day and easily becomes sleep deprived. Though she seems to resist it, the Irregular Child needs to be gently nudged toward a schedule. Create a routine and provide gentle but firm support to help her move toward regular sleep. Once she has adapted to a schedule, stick with it.The High-Energy Child is always on the move. This child is notorious for his "short window" for falling asleep. Miss this window and his system will charge up again. An unfailing schedule helps him "earmark" that window and wind down his nonstop activities. This is also a child who needs exercise during the day.At the End of the DayWhat all parents need to remember most about kids and sleep is that children are not fighting you when they can't sleep; they are battling their own bodies. You can recognize what your child needs to achieve sleep and, ultimately, teach him to reach that state on his own.By understanding the three factors - tension, time and temperament - you can foster an environment that encourages sound sleep and makes it a priority. The result will be enhanced health, productivity and enjoyment in each other's company.Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a family educator and author of the landmark book Raising Your Spirited Child (Harper Paperbacks, 1998), and most recently Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? (HarperCollins, March 2006).Resources on Kids and SleepSleep is one of those issues that all parents confront at one time or another in raising their children. Certainly, research has shown how important adequate sleep is to the health and development of a child.Physicians T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. (Sleep: The Brazelton Way), Richard Ferber, M.D. (Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems) and Marc Weissbluth, M.D. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) are well-known for their classic methods regarding children and sleep.In 2005, several new sleep books were released and merit a closer look by parents who are looking for different strategies to guide their kids and themselves into healthy sleep patterns.Take Charge of Your Child's Sleep, by The Sleep Doctors (Judy A. Owens, M.D., and Jodi A. Mindell, Ph.D.), Marlowe & Company, 2005. Owens, a developmental-behavioral pediatrician and Mindell, author of Sleeping Through the Night, are each directors of hospital-based sleep clinics, in Rhode Island and Philadelphia respectively. This book is a reader-friendly look at why sleep is so important, why children at various ages have difficulty sleeping, and what parents can do to rectify the problem. The book also covers snoring, sleep walking and AD/HD as they affect sleep. The Floppy Sleep Game Book: A Proven 4-Week Plan to Get Your Child to Sleep, by Patti Teel, Perigee Books, 2005. Geared for parents of kids ages 3 to 10, this is the book that followed Teel's CD of songs designed specifically to help children fall asleep. The book addresses sleep problems associated with various special needs, common sleep disturbances, how diet affects sleep and much more. Teel recommends various techniques parents can use, including guided relaxation and having children visualize themselves in a relaxing place at bedtime. The Baby Sleep Book: The Complete Guide to a Good Night's Rest for the Whole Family, by William Sears, M.D., Robert Sears, M.D., James Sears, M.D., and Martha Sears, R.N.; Little, Brown and Co., 2005. Sleep strategies for infants and very young children, from the noted pediatrician and parenting expert who coined the term "attachment parenting," his wife and two medically trained sons.- Deirdre Wilson

To experience deep restorative sleep, a child's brain needs to know it is time to sleep. And his body needs to be calm enough to sleep. Achieving these goals is entirely possible if parents understand three key factors - tension, time and temperament - and how each relates to sleep.
· Tension - Your child has to feel calm and safe. Many children cannot sleep because their bodies are in a state of high alert at bedtime. A skipped nap, an anticipated event, a change in schedule, family tension - all of these things can throw a child into alert. When this happens, extra calming measures are needed throughout the day.

· In fact, a good night's sleep begins in the morning! Begin your child's day with a sense of calm and loving connection. Greet him warmly when he rises and leave time for an unhurried family breakfast. Such interactions actually slow heart and pulse rates, and buffer against the day's stresses.

· At bedtime, your child's room is her "nest." It should communicate that this is a place to unwind and sleep. Eliminate clutter, TV and computer use. Offer a soothing touch - a back scratch or gentle massage. With an older child, you can bring in a glass of water and talk for a few minutes. End the day with a sense of calm, connection and protection.

· Time (the body clock) - A child's body clock is the control center for the sleep/wake cycle. It tells his body to be awake during the day and to sleep at night. Your child may need help setting his body clock. Cues such as bedtime routines, lighting and a regular sleep-and-wake schedule are all things parents can do to help a child develop a healthy sleep/wake cycle.
But before creating new cues for your child, consider whether you've done something to tamper with his sleep/wake cycle in the first place. The decisions you make throughout the day can innocently confuse your child's body clock. If you've ever offered your child a caffeine beverage after lunch, let him skip a nap, allowed him to stay up late as a reward or roughhoused with him right before bed, you may have innocently disrupted his body clock.
· Temperament (knowing your child) - All is not equal in the land of sleep. Every child is an individual. And some have inherited temperaments that are more - more sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, lights, textures and emotions. Their reactions are often more intense and they may be slower to adjust to change than others.

· "Spirited children" find it far more difficult to switch into sleep mode than their more placid peers. Instinctively, they turn to their parents for comfort and help in calming down. These children should never be left to cry themselves to sleep! Their distress levels are real and will only rise if left untended.
Five temperament traits tend to make sleeping far more difficult, including:
The Intense Child is a living staircase of emotion. This child needs adult help to calm himself and doesn't want to be put down or left alone. He benefits greatly from soothing touch or having a story read to him while sitting in your lap. He requires time to unwind before bed. His sleep and nap times must be protected because, once overtired, he struggles fiercely to control his strong emotions.
The Sensitive Child notices everything, from a slight noise, to differences in taste or texture, to changing sights and the emotions of those around him. First, believe your sensitive child when she says something is bothering her. She really can't sleep until the tag is cut out of her pajamas or the TV in the living room is turned off. Having a "nest" to sleep in is particularly important to her. Blankets and pillows need to smell and feel right. Put her bed in a cozy corner, rather than floating in the middle of the room.
The Slow-to-Adapt Child has difficulty shifting from one thing to another. This child needs consistent bed and awakening times to help set his body clock for sleep. Preparation is key. He needs fair warning and cues that bedtime is approaching so that he can begin the transition to sleep. Cue him with activities such as dimming the lights, pulling the shades and putting away toys. Changing his pre-bedtime routine is upsetting to him. Build in time for him to awaken slowly in the morning.
The Irregular Child is unpredictable; she never falls asleep at the same time of day and easily becomes sleep deprived. Though she seems to resist it, the Irregular Child needs to be gently nudged toward a schedule. Create a routine and provide gentle but firm support to help her move toward regular sleep. Once she has adapted to a schedule, stick with it.
The High-Energy Child is always on the move. This child is notorious for his "short window" for falling asleep. Miss this window and his system will charge up again. An unfailing schedule helps him "earmark" that window and wind down his nonstop activities. This is also a child who needs exercise during the day.
At the End of the Day
What all parents need to remember most about kids and sleep is that children are not fighting you when they can't sleep; they are battling their own bodies. You can recognize what your child needs to achieve sleep and, ultimately, teach him to reach that state on his own.
By understanding the three factors - tension, time and temperament - you can foster an environment that encourages sound sleep and makes it a priority. The result will be enhanced health, productivity and enjoyment in each other's company.
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is a family educator and author of the landmark book Raising Your Spirited Child (Harper Paperbacks, 1998), and most recently Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? (HarperCollins, March 2006).
Looking for More Help with Sleep Issues?
· America’s Kids Aren’t Catching Enough Z’s
· Are You Preventing Your Baby From Sleeping Through The Night?
· Help For Your Baby: A More Restful Sleep
· Infant Care 101: Five Essential Tips for First-Time Parents
· The Power of Lullabies
· Win the Betime Battles
Resources on Kids and Sleep
Sleep is one of those issues that all parents confront at one time or another in raising their children. Certainly, research has shown how important adequate sleep is to the health and development of a child.
Physicians T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. (Sleep: The Brazelton Way), Richard Ferber, M.D. (Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems) and Marc Weissbluth, M.D. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) are well-known for their classic methods regarding children and sleep.
In 2005, several new sleep books were released and merit a closer look by parents who are looking for different strategies to guide their kids and themselves into healthy sleep patterns.

Resource
Kurcinka, M.S. (N.A.) Understanding the Connection Between Sleep & Behavior http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/understanding_th...

Night feeding is normal for a baby his age. You are actually quite lucky that he is only waking once! My oldest woke every 2 - 3 hours until he was two. Then he magically starting sleeping through the night, with ocassional wake ups. We need to understand, although not what we want, that babies do wake up during the night and it is much easier to go with their needs rather than resisting them (although tiring and frustrating!). Our worlds change in many ways once we have children! I can assure you that one day he will be sleeping through the night. when, I don't know, but it will happen. I have three children and as babies & toddlers they all woke up during the night to feed, be comforted, and then come into bed with me. It allows you to get some sleep and offers your baby much needed comforting!

It sounds like you are doing the right thing already for your precious-one!

P.S. If you decide to let your baby cry it out as some peolpe do, please make sure there isn't anything physically wrong - earaches, teething, tummy aches, etc. This is one reason I couldn't leave mine to cry!

M.,

Infants/toddlers are not supposed to sleep for 8 hours at a time, unless they are taught to do so and detach from their careproviders...usually by some kind of sleep 'training' method. According to my son's Pedi, 6 hours is technically 'sleeping through the night' for infants around the age of 1 years old.. If a child wakes for some kind of comfort it's okay to respond and meet those needs.

However, it is important that you help your child learn how to fall back to sleep or not wake him at all during the breastfeeding process. My son and I co-sleep and this made feeding during growth spurts easier, but also he woke more often. No biggie, go with the flow. You could introduce a transition object like a blanket or lovey type animal toy. My son has a dino and now a duck he likes to have nearby in his bed. Some choose to do a pacifier to then also wean off of night feedings.

You may also want to consider teething. At this age, my son began getting four teeth at once and I used Clove Oil on his gums at night and Motrin some nights to help ease the pain.

If you want to consider nightweaning, then I'd suggest looking at the cues your child is giving you. Is he eating or just sucking for comfort? My son self-weaned himself of bottles at night by the time he was around 13-15 months old, and was off them completely by 18 months old. I just followed his cues and went with the flow. If your son is waking for one feeding nightly that is fantastic and means he's getting ready himself to move away from them. He just needs some guidance on how to get that done.

I have to disagree with anyone who thinks meeting a child's needs at night is creating a bad habit. I co-slept with my son and bottle fed on demand for the first year, and today he's a healthy sleeper and more independent than I'd imagined he'd been since he was clingy as an infant.

Just be patient and guide with care through these phases. It will be okay, just be consistent with all routines and care, and your son will be wonderful for it.

Good Luck!

Babies at this age are still undergoing rapid brain development and growth. Night feedings are totally normal and also beneficial to overall health. Keep doing what you are doing -- your mothering instincts are right on! My daughter is 16 months and only began sleeping through the night this month. It is heavenly to get a good nights sleep at last. You and your son will get there too... God bless!

Here is a link from another MamaSource posting on the subject:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/3710297456454402049
http://www.mamasource.com/request/recent/96824/1236639287/5

No, a baby does not 'have to' or is able to sleep all night 8 hours consecutively. If he is waking to eat, he needs to eat. A baby that age is going through a 'growth-spurt' and a developmental change. It's normal.

YOur baby only wakes in the middle of the night...that is pretty darn good, for that age. You are lucky. Both my kids at that age, woke a whole LOT more than that.

All the best,
Susan

Hi M.! I totally sympathize with you! My almost 16 month old just started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago. I was an exhausted, grouchy, breast feeding zombie. I was constantly tired and really not enjoying life. I breast feed her, wore her in a sling as a baby, would almost run in every time she cried to immediately tend to her every need and tried co-sleeping out a desperation. I was opposed to cry it out, as it seemed very cruel and I knew how tough it would be for me. My daughter would not co-sleep, well she would move around waking us all up which just made things worse. I read the No Cry Sleep Solution, which offered some helpful tips. The obvious ones are: putting them on a bedtime routine, which we already were doing, but we fine tuned our routine; Making sure they are filled up with food, water and breastmilk during the day. Unfortunately that and all of the other tips in the book did not work for my daughter after being patient for 3 1/2 months of applying all info.

Out of complete desperation, I told my husband we would try the Ferber Method for only 1 week. This is where you let the baby cry, go in after 5, then 10, then 15 minutes, until they fall asleep. Here is what happened, when we tried this with a very attached, high demand baby:

Night 1- cried for 45 minutes at bedtime, woke 4 times, cried 15-25 minutes each
Night 2- cried for 4 minutes at bedtime, woke 2 times cried for 2-10 minutes
Night 3- cried for 20 seconds at bedtime, woke 2 times, cried for less than a minute
Night 4- wimpered as I set her down at bedtime, woke once and cried for less than a minute
Night 5 & beyond- began saying "Night! Night!," as she held her stuffed monkey & may occasionally have a night waking for a few seconds.

I was so opposed to this method! I cannot deny the results though and how fabulous it worked for our child. Some kids take longer, some not as long. What really helped was having my husband do most of the settling, something we learned after the first night. I even put a sippy cup of water in her crib and showed her where it was. I fill it up each day, sometimes she uses it, sometimes not. Anyway, the first night was HORRIBLE for me. And I don't recommend doing this with a younger child either. We do not have her cry it out at her naps yet, as she was crying for too long and I wasn't comfortable with that. I wasn't seeing the results like I did at nighttime. I did notice that she is less apt to have a crying meltdown during the day though. I think she realized that crying over everything doesn't work.

You adjust to what works for you. Consistency is the key though, so once you decide what method you're going to try, stick to it for awhile. You & your husband must be comfortable with whatever method you choose! Best of luck to you! I hope that you can find a solution that works for you and your family!

I agree with Michelle, mostly, and the others as well, but I did want to say - please be aware that this method of crying/comforting works well with a lot of babies, but NOT with some. My first was so disturbed by my NOT coming in more than small intervals that it created a terrible anxiety for him that took quite a long time to reverse. Some kids are too sensitive for that and it will backfire and then even when they're asleep, they're so tense they wake back up in "fear". It was awful, so please take cues from your baby and make sure he can handle it.
I'm sure you'll all be sleeping again in no time - just be patient.
M.

babies are capable of making it through the night by this age. The feeding he gets is a part of his routine. If you'd rather be sleeping through the night then you need to change the routine (easier said than done). I went through this when my daughter was 8 months and while it was hard to do, my life improved a great deal when we were able to sleep through the night. I began to enjoy motherhood better and was better able to focus and function in my day. Its very worth it to go through the work of getting your baby to sleep all night.
I modified a version of CIO. You will need a game plan so that you don't give in when you are exhausted and through in the towel. We decided to let her cry for 10 min to see if she would go back to sleep on her own. Friends of mine did this and its all it took. We would comfort her after 10 min but didn't pick her up. The first few nights see if you can't comfort him until he falls asleep, but don't feed him. I was able to reasure my self that my baby could make it without food all night this way. I did this three nights, the I went for the full on CIO. My game plan was 10 min let cry. Comfort for a few min and leave. Let her cry 15 min before going in to a total of 1 hr before giving in to the bottle. The next three nights we did this and it lasted more than an hour so we gave into the feeding. then, on the 4th night it worked, she fell asleep after the second round. Now if she wakes up she has learned to fall back asleep on her own. You will want to read up on methods (get a book or google)and formulate your game plan before you start. It can be really difficult but some parents find it was a breeze and they should have done it sooner.
Many people don't believe in the CIO method and you will encounter many of those people on this site. I don't believe in the exhausted parenting method. I say well rested mommies are better mommies. Speaking from personal experience, I became a more energetic attentive playful mommy once we were all getting our full night of sleep.

My son did this until he was almost 2 years old! Every child is different. I started giving him a good snack right before bed. This helped a lot. Then, when he wakes up, try to comfort him in other ways like rocking, singing, rubbing his back. If he is really stubborn, start doing the above while nursing. As the days pass, gradually shorten the amount of time allowed to nurse and continue to do the above. You are transitioning to another method of providing comfort. The goal is to get to a point where you no longer have to nurse, but can just go and sing for a few minutes while rubbing his back. After you accomplish that, you can give him a few minutes instead of rushin in right away. Eventually, he will learn to put himself back to sleep.

We all have sleep cycles and wake up slightly during certain stages. It is hard for a little one to put themselves to sleep. Even children who are pretty good at it will go through stages of having difficulty.

You and your husband will need to be patient. You will lose a little sleep through this process. He's a little guy, and part of being a parent is to be understanding and help them through these things.

I will also suggest praying with and for your child every night before bed. Pray for a peaceful rest and that your child feel safe and secure. I'd be happy to pray with you if you want to send me a personal message.

yes, at 11 months your son should be sleeping through the night. instead of giving him milk, give him water during the night. he'll probably fuss at first, but in the long run, he will just go back to sleep. after he is sleeping, but him back in his own bed. try not to make it a habit to let him sleep with you and hubby or else it will be difficult to get him to sleep alone. and above all, keep praying. God bless you and family.

Hi M.,
Sounds like we were are in the same situation. But, my baby is now 22 months old. My problems started earlier then your though.
The only sound advise I can give you is:
Don't bring your baby into your bed. I did this out of desperation for sleep, and it just caused a whole new slew of problems for us. NOW, at 22 months, she still wakes up in the middle of the night to come into my bed. A habit that I feel I can not concure due to the fact that my husband wakes up at 4:00am and my MIL wakes up early as well for work. I just can't let her cry it out. It's easier to just bring her into my bed. (my husband is not happy about this either)
I do however, suggest not feeding your son in the middle of the night. That is the reason he can not put himself back to sleep. When reading another mothers response to a different request, She was kind enough to pass on a book about how to get your child to sleep throught the night.
Of course this is just one way to do it, so you have to read it to decide whether it works for your family. I have read it and will try it as soon as my baby gets rid of this terrible, terrible cold she has. I had a talk with my MIL and she said that she doesn't mind if I have to let her cry in the middle of the night. I told it her that it may last up to 2 weeks. She still said she didn't mind. I'm very nervous about it, because it breaks my heart to hear my baby cry for mommy over and over and over again!!! Ok anyway....my problem.
Shoot me an email and I will forward the book to you. If any one else would like to read this book, just email me.
____@____.com
Good luck to you.

Hi M.,
I'll admit, I do not have time to read others' responses, so hope I am not being redundant here.
I, too, am a Christian, and tried very hard with our 2nd child to get him to sleep thru the night (after having it really easy with our first child). There are a lot of Christians out there who have done some class I guess where it is insisted that you can and must get your child on a very strict schedule and get them to sleep thru the night very early in life. I never took this class, but we tried a lot of different sleep techinques, and the reality is that God makes each child very unique, and they aren't all going to "fit" into the schedule YOU desire for them.

Depending on their unique personalities and needs, you are sometimes going to have to compromise and try to find the solution that "works" the best for all involved. Truly, I think our second child just has very sensitive ears and is a very light sleeper and he just could not physically sleep thru the night. He also has an incredibly fast metabolism like my tall skinny husband. So he really needed to nurse at night! No matter how much I tried to break him of that. I don't remember when he stopped needing to nurse at night (I think around 14 months?), but I DO remember he did not sleep thru the night until he was 3! He would wake up at least 2-3 times per night, but we would just have to make sure he knew we were there, and he would go back to sleep.
We ended up having to put an extra mattress on the floor in his room, and either myself or hubby would sleep there sometimes in the middle of the night, because our son would NOT go back to sleep unless he knew we were right there. And we did not want him in bed with us. Trust me, we tried everything before we got to that point of sleeping in his room, even strict "ferberizing" for 3 straight months. This kid just really had major separation issues and was a light sleeper, a bad combo for us, but God's choice for him.
Try other people's suggestions, but also remember, God made each kid unique and what worked for one person, may not work for you. You are going to have to experiment and find something both you and your husband can agree on, and what's best for your baby.

My son did not sleep through the night until 13+ months. I tried to do everything by the book so was so frustrated with this. I read every sleep book out there, asked everyone I knew for tips, and researched online for hours. Nothing I tried worked, so I finally just decided to let it be. All on his own he ended the night feedings and eventually slept through the night. Now he is a GREAT sleeper, for both night & nap! We still have setbacks whenever he is teething, sick, or just off his routine, but I don't fret over it, and he works it out on his own. Once he hit 18 months, I found I could really talk to him about it, so if he's having a tough night I can "negotiate" with him and say "mama is going to lay on your floor while I sing ONE song, then mama is going to bed." He really seems to understand and it works! I am due with #2 any day now, and have no expectations. I am going to again go with the flow and I think MY life will be easier this time around!

When we knew our daughter could make it all night without nursing we switched from me going in at night to my husband. He would go in when she cried (we are not CIO believers) and help her calm down. I feel that when they are this young, it's a genuine need if they cry in the night; teething, earache, loneliness, etc. So we try to balance helping her learn to self-soothe with being there. There are times when I go in and either rub her back or pick her up to calm her but I try to avoid nursing at night. This has been since she was 6-7 months old. Sometimes I nurse in the night if she really needs it (if she's sick for example) but not that often. As she got older we've put a water sippy cup and some stuffed animals so she can play in the morning and/or get water at night.
We do listen to what kind of cry and wait sometimes to see if she'll settle herself, which she does sometimes. Overall it's going well, for all of us.

First thing, sleep is a mystery to a mom the first time unless you have had other experience with babies or read a lot of sleep related books. I struggled with it myself for the first few months of my first child's life. Now, I am a sleep consultant with three great sleepers. Check out my blog/site at www.lullabyluna.com.

Your baby can for sure sleep through the night, but right now he is using you as a soothing tool instead of finding his own way of soothing himself. You need to give him the chance to find his own way of soothing himself. Honestly, this is going to produce crying. Three nights of crying it out (give or take, sometimes takes longer in older babies) should do the trick. If you don't feel comfortable you can try the Ferber method- where you check on them at decided intervals (extending the intervals between each visit). Don't pick them up or feed them, just tell them it is nigh nigh time or something like that, you can pat and comfort them and then leave again until the next scheduled time.

Remember your baby needs to find a way to soothe themselves so that you aren't the necessary soothing tool. This will keep the baby out of your bed and create a lifelong good sleeper.

Good luck! It is hard for a mom to hear the crying, but you can do it.

Hi M.,

I think that if you stop nursing your son and bringing him to bed with you at night, he will eventually sleep through the night. It will get worse before it gets better, because you have been feeding him and co-sleeping in the middle of the night and he doesn't realize that you and his dad may not want to do that anymore. You have to encourage him to be on a new schedule.

With all due respect to moms who are a bit looser with eating and sleeping habits, I have a friend who has an almost 2 1/2 year-old and a 5 1/2 year-old who still have TERRIBLE sleep habits because she (admittedly) has never bitten the bullet and helped them to realize that nighttime is for sleeping! She has never been consistent and has always done what's easy to get her through the night...she knows this is a problem because she and her husband are exhausted and resentful all of the time, but she continues to cave in. She stays in the room with both kids until they fall asleep and will get up with them (sometimes at 5a.m.!) and begin their day with breakfast and/or playing when she doesn't want to. Her kids will cry for her if they wake up and she's not in the room! Yikes!

Kids are all different, but I think that my husband and I avoided a lot of these issues because when our pediatrician said that most babies (around four months of age) can sleep five hours at a stretch without waking to eat--we believed her. I think there were only two nights when our son woke in the middle of five hours, and we just patted him back to sleep. He's now almost five. Yesterday (being that it was Saturday) he woke up at 8:30a.m. and played quietly in his room until 9:30a.m. We all ate breakfast as a family at 10:00a.m. (My friend would cry if she knew that, so I won't tell her). I think that you just have to decide how you want things to be in your family and do your best to get it to be that way, based on what is appropriate for your child's age. Obviously our son wasn't sleeping until 8:30a.m., playing quietly until 9:30a.m., and waiting for breakfast at 10 when he was 11 months old--but he wasn't waking to eat in the middle of the night, either, and he could sleep alone.

You can get what you and your husband want--you might just have to suffer through a few long nights to get there as your baby adjusts to the new plan.

Good luck to you!
:-) D.
P.S. Why don't you ask your pediatrician about this issue?? He/she will know your baby's needs the best next to you and your husband, based on how big your baby is and his other developmental stages.

So many of you are sure that babies should sleep through the night at 11 months. It breaks my heart. I am a psychologist, an author of a parenting book and an internationally published advice columnist and speaker.
I understand why most of you subscribe to the common beliefs. But these beliefs are not nature's design and harm the baby.

There is a movement called Attachment Parenting, born of Dr. Sears books and others including myself. Check Attachment Parenting International.
We have realized that modern ways are causing depression, reduced intelligence, aggression, addictions and more, things that don't exist in natural societies.

This mistake starts with letting babies sleep alone. They are scared to death. They feel terror. They need to be with mom and they need to wake up a lot to breastfeed. That's nature's design. Without body contact, a baby is not even sure of its own existence because they sense through tough by someone else. Body contact has to continue through the night.

If you listen inside to your heart, that's what you want. You want your baby with you. The culture (doctor, relatives, friends, media) has talked you out of your intuition. Listen to your baby and listen to your heart and you will bring you lovely baby to your bed and let him wake up as much as he needs to.
Don't train your baby out of his real primal need. Instead meet the needs that are natural and lead to optimal development.

Not only babies and toddlers shouldn't sleep through the night, they shouldn't sleep alone. It is actually not safe for them to sleep through the night and when we succeed to make them sleep so long, we risk their life and well being.

There are a few reasons why nature designed babies and toddlersto wake up often:
1) They grow in their sleep, so they are hungry.
2) They need to readjust their breathing and not sink too deep into sleep
to stay alive.
3) They need to feel the presence of mom at all time. If mom is not next to the baby, she will wake up often in distress.

When we train a baby to ignore her own direction, she loses touch with herself and learns not to trust herself. Insecurity and emotional difficulties grow out of this as well as dependency on others to tell us what to do.
How we treat babies about sleep is an example of what happened to us when we lost touch with out own motherly intuition.

When babies sleep with their mothers and allowed to wake up as they need, and, when they wake up mom is next to them, they stay feeling secure and will eventually (age two or a bit later) stop waking up.

We don't need to train babies to sleep. They sleep fine when they feel completely secure by being on mom's body or next to her. Millions of years humanity slept with their babies and woke up a lot. Most of humanity still does, except the west with out bizarre separation ideas. We also end up with the most crime, depression, insecurity, divorces and addictions. Sleep away from mom is not the only cause, but part of a whole way we are with babies: we try to tame them to be what they are not.

Listen to yourself and listen to your baby. The baby asks for what she wants as designed by nature. What she wants is what she needs for optimal development.

With care,
N. Aldort Ph.D.
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

My son did the same thing & I really don't think that he needed to eat. He got used to me running to him whenever he let out the slightest whimper. I, too, would nurse him... it was the fastest way to get him back to sleep. I got very tired as he was waking up about every 2 1/2 hours.

At 11 1/2 months, I decided to stop nursing him at night. When he would wake, I would go into his room & rub his back to let him know that I was still there, but in a different way now. As soon as I left the room, he would cry. I let him cry for 5 minutes, that was really tough for me to do. Then I would go back into his room & repeat the rubbing his back & leave for 10 minutes this time. The next would be for 15 minutes. At that point, he would go back to sleep. It was hard, but I did it and I am now glad that I did. After about 4 nights, I think that he realized he wasn't going to get "the boob" anymore and started to soothe himself.

Now, he still wakes up from time to time, especially since his molars are coming in, but he goes right back to sleep.

Best of luck to you!

p.s. During that time, I made an extra effort to give him even MORE loves & cuddles during the day.

Hi M., I'm going to give you the same advice that I have given to many many new mommies, as long as you get your son up to nurse him, and especially bringing him into your bed, he will continue to wake up, because it has now become a habit. I know many mommies out there trhink i am against Breast feeding I am not, but I think when it goes beyond the age where the child should be using a cup, worse yet a spoon and fork, you tend to have sleep issues, that don't just affect the child but the parents as well. From what most of my daycare parents tell me the breast becomes more habit forming than the bottle,one reason and they said there is many but the bottle can be thrown away or packed away, but the breast will always be there, and if you nurse well into toddler age the habit is garder to breast feeding even though i didn't, and my baby's were sleeping through the night at 6 weeks cause I gave them rice cereal in an infant feeder at bed time, ( advice from my mom ) who had 5 kids all on rice cereal at 6 weeks, the key thing right now sweetie, is to break the habit. Your husband has valid reasons to be very unhappy about bring the child in the bed with you, which can also becom another bad habit. J. L.

family bed does not work for many. it does not mean that you need to deprive yourself or your son a peasure of night-time cuddling. if your child has crib in his own room, put a twin bed with guards in it next to the crib so you could slumber there for the time when he just wants to be next to you and your dh needs more relaxation to have refreshing sleep.
Good Luck
V

M.,

There is a wonderful homeopathic product called "silent nights" by Lifewave. It works like a charm. Go to Lifewave.com/kherihealth for more info or to order. Pray about it too! Perfectly safe for our little ones.

Just a different opinion here but he can definitely sleep 8 hours, let alone 11. Both my kids were sleeping through the night without waking up by 6-8 months. I definitely recommend not going in. It is for comfort and if you really want the have a full night of sleep you should let him cry it out. I did this with my son at 8 months. The first night was hard ( almost 2 hours!). After 3 nights he only stirred for a few minutes. Now he sleeps all night without any problems at all. Be mentally prepared that it will be hard but if you go in he will want you to pick him up.

You can do it, you just need your husband's support and make a decision to be strong for the 3 nights. It will be healthier for both of you to get a full night of sleep.

Good luck and God bless!

Hi M.,
When my daughter was 9 months old I brought her in for her check up. The doctor was astonished that she weighed as much as she did. She was definitely the michelin baby! Very cute and very chubby. The doc asked how much/when I was feeding her. I told her every three hours around the clock. She said that was WAY to much. No wonder I was feeling tired all the time. She told me that after 2 months the child will sleep throughout the night for 7 or 8 hours. However, for the first two or three nights you will have to let the baby cry it out. Maybe go in once and pat the butt but that is it. Well, after two nights my daughter totally adjusted. It is just a matter of getting use to sleeping and putting yourself back to sleep as a baby. It doesn't do anything negative except a little stress on yourself because you feel bad that the baby crys. But your baby is no starving so it really isn't a big deal. When I knew this for my second child it really did save me. I never had people around me to tell me what I should be doing or not doing...not that the would have been right for me or not...but with no support group...well...I learned the hard way. He will sleep eventually. Let him cry it out and he will get over it much more quickly and you will get your much needed rest.