Hey momma's I need some thoughts on how to handle a situation. I have coached my sons basketball team for 2 years now and will do it again this year here in a few months. My issue is that my son and this other boy butt heads pretty badly. It started a tiny bit the first year, then progressed a little more last year so I don't want to have to deal with it again this year. My son is friends with everyone else on the team, as is this other kid but they do not like each other. Last year I handled this wrong and I have apologized to my son. (they are 8 and in 3rd grade this year) last year I had basically just got on my son to knock it off as I know he should not fuel the fire and just end it if this other boy acted up. As I looked back I should have pulled both of them and addressed them together, but apart from the team. So I know this year I will pull them aside when their issues arise. (note they are also on the same football team right now but there seems to be more space on the field that they just tend to ignore each other) If and when they get into their spats what are some good ways to get them to knock it off and get along at least when they play together. I know that they don't have to like each other but if they are going to be on my team they will be teammates and be civil during practices and games. I was thinking of setting them aside for 5 minutes or so and have them pass the ball to each other while the rest of the team continues practicing? Should I pair them up as much as I can during drills or keep them separate as much as I can. I know if they are to guard each other they will always end up in an argument about fouls and stupid stuff really. What would be some other ways that I can get the point across to the both of them that this will not be tolerated this year? besides pulling them aside for the few minutes during practice and passing to each other I don’t really know what else would be effective.
Thanks in advance
Coaching is a selfless job. No pay, many demands from parents. You are not a school PE teacher who has to take on every kid. If they do not get along at the start of next year, oops, the team is full.
Let his parents coach another team.
Our volunteer coaches go through a training that I think is called the "positive coaching alliance." It's run by the parks and rec dept youth sports division. I know the director there often helps parents when issues like this come up, he's kind of like a mentor (sometimes mediator) to the parent coaches. Do you have someone like that you could reach out to for advice? Or another coach with lots of experience?
You may get some good advice here but I think it would be helpful to connect with other coaches in your area.
I'd be clear with the entire group that this is a TEAM, which means they are going to have to put aside any personal issues and work together. Maybe a random list where kids are matched up to practice drills so they do have to work together, but only some of the time.
At eight years old, if stuff is coming up between them, maybe it would be good to set them both aside and tell them "both of you need to work out how you are going to be respectful to each other during practices or games... come to me with a plan, please. " This is what I did with my preschoolers when they were figuring out how to share a desired toy-- I held onto the toy until they figured out how to take turns with it and could tell me what they planned to do. The thing is, they don't need to be forced together constantly, but they do need to learn how to master their bad-mouthing each other before the game, before they go out on the court or field together. "I don't want this to be a distraction for our team in the middle of the game, so I want to see good sportsmanship and team behavior during practices too." When they get mouthy with each other, bench them for a while. Let them know that the team comes first and you mean business. Even if one 'starts', the other does not have to answer back. They can do better and control themselves. See if that helps.
First of all, I would not single them out or purposely pair them up in any way. Handle it how you would if you noticed this behavior from any two other boys on the team. Take 5-10 minutes of every practice to do "getting to know you" icebreakers or team-building activities so the whole team gets to know each other and trust each other on a personal level, not just related to basketball.
I would gather the whole team at the start of the season, first or second practice, and spell out the team rules - which will include not fighting or arguing. Then spell out consequences - I'm fond of laps, pushups, and situps. If the offenders (no fault assessed, everyone arguing does the consequence) can't knock it off after 1 -2 consequences then the whole team finishes up practice with physical conditioning (running, speed drills, push ups, sit ups, etc).
My 11 yo is on a select soccer team and that is what his coach has done. A few weeks ago all the boys were feeling silly and goofing off. Coach ended tactical practice and made them finish the practice with conditioning, and told them what drills they missed because they couldn't follow the rules. There has been no goofing off during practice since, worked like a charm.
Thinking in terms of my and my 3rd grader/8 yr old son's personalities (which may not be anything like your son's), I would avoid purposefully pairing them up for drills. That would irk me to no end if I were a kid, and I think it would irk my son as well. If it happens, it happens, and I wouldn't expend too much energy trying to keep them separated (you have enough work to do), but I certainly wouldn't try to force them to be friends/friendly.
My youngest is super competitive, and I find that talking to him about our concerns BEFORE each practice and/or game, helps immensely. i.e. setting the boundaries EVERY time. We talk about stopping to take a breath and think for a moment before "reacting" (e.g. he sometimes pushes or shoves when he gets angry).
What does your son say? Why doesn't he get along with this kid? Does he even know why? Have him think through it. Help him work it out. Have him come up with suggestions too. Doesn't mean they'll get along, but it can't hurt.
I'd talk to the other mom. Ask her if he talks about why he doesn't like your son. Then see if the 2 of you "moms" can figure out how best to handle this. First and foremost you are his mom and this needs to be addressed that way first. Then you can address anything that happens during the game that interferes with the game.
I'd actually tell the people who do the sign ups you don't want this boy back on your team and to move him to another team.
Even when a group of kids have been on a team for a while there is often a time come when someone has to go. We faced this a few years ago when my daughter was coaching my granddaughters soccer team. There was one mom that absolutely gave my daughter hell about every decision she made. If the other mom's little girl didn't play the whole game she'd yell at my daughter during the game, she'd get up in her face, etc...she was a b***h.
The next season they put the same kids on the same team again. They'd been together since they were barely 4. When my daughter got the team list she went to the guys over the program and said she would not take this child on the team again. They moved her to another team and the girl we got in her place was brand new. She learned a lot and was a joy to teach.
Sometimes it will work out for the best.
Iwould have a conversation before each practice and game and explain over and over about teamwork and no matter how we feel about each other we need to work at as a team for a common goal.
When someone in the military screws up, the whole group gets in trouble and pays the price, like having to get up at 4:00 am and run for several hours. And everyone knows why, too. The "offender" is ostracized by his peers and people won't put up with it.
So, I think that you should punish both of them by having them do HARD physical exercise every single time they butt heads. What is it called when they have to run from courtside to courtside, touch the floor, run back? Suicide runs? Pull them both aside and tell them that since they can't get along, they'll be doing those. And make it HURT. If you don't give them a REAL reason to stop this stuff, they'll just continue it. It will be a big lesson for the rest of the team, too. Once they see this happen a couple of times, everyone will be toeing the line, and that's what you need.
If your son is upset with you at home, tell him that you aren't playing favorites and ANYONE acting like this will pay the price.
You cannot have a winning team with dissention in the ranks. Teach them this.
