My Son Loves His Grandma More than Me.

I did not read any responses past Amy H.'s.

Her response was sooo dead-on perfect that I applaud her.

As the parent, you will always be the bad guy when it comes to correcting behavior. But you will also be the one who is always there for him, the one who loves him unconditionally, and the one who gives him what he *needs,* even if it's not always what he *wants.* You're the one who nurses him when he's sick, the one who sets the limits that he needs, the one who hugs him even when he thinks he's too old for that... and he will (years from now) be grateful that he has such a good Mom.

At three, he doesn't yet know what "love" really is; he just knows that he can upset you by using that word against you. The only way for that to stop is for you to stop letting it affect you (at least in front of him). Understand that he doesn't mean it--he's just mad or frustrated. When he says he loves Maw Maw more than you, or that he doesn't love you, just calmly tell him, "That's okay. I still love you." And leave it at that. If he sees that it doesn't have any effect, he'll stop saying it. He'll eventually understand, but right now, it's not about who he really loves more, it's just about wanting to have his way.

Grandparents are supposed to "spoil" their grandkids, but I agree that it sounds like your mom has taken it past the limits of reason and turned it into a power struggle! Regardless of your feelings on the matter, she should know what is BAD for him and avoid taking it too far (a later bedtime at Grandma's is okay, but letting a 3-year-old stay up until 1 AM is really not doing him any favors!), and she should want what is GOOD for him. Love isn't about giving someone everything they want; it's about wanting what is best for them!

If she wants to set aside a playroom in her house for him and fill it to the brim with toys, that's fine--let her keep the toys she buys at her house! What we do with gifts here is this: anytime someone buys our kids a new toy as a gift, we donate one of their older toys to charity. We let the grandparents know this, with the gentle explanation that we have a small house, and can only have so many toys--too many, and it becomes a safety issue and a fire hazard (can't escape the house quickly if we're tripping over toys).

A treat or two when he goes over to Grandma's house is one thing; it's entirely another when she is ignoring your parental authority while you are *right there* with her! If that continues, stop going out with her. Getting free stuff from Grandma is NOT worth your sanity and definitely not worth the power struggle.

If your husband is supportive, the two of you could sit down and have a talk with her (even if hubby is just "silent support," that may be enough) WITHOUT your son present, about setting some reasonable limits. Involve her; don't just set limits and expect her to follow them. Be willing to compromise and let her spoil him a little bit, but let her know that this power struggle is affecting your son's well-being, and you both need to work it out for HIS sake.

I also agree with the other posters; after all of that, if your mom cannot respect that YOU are his mother, then the time your son spends with her needs to be limited to however often you and your husband think is best. In order to get through and make her understand that you are serious and cannot be bullied, you will have to stay calm and be firm, even if/when she yells at you. You are an adult; she needs to see you as one. Practice what to say and how you think she'll respond beforehand if you need to (yes, I'm serious; it helps!).

Good luck!
--A.

I'm a grandma of 8 and I absolutely cringed when I read what your mom is doing. It sounds like she has taken over your child and ran over you like a sherman tank.

Your mother has no boundaries and feels entitled to do whatever she wants to her grandson and to you. If you can get a copy of Townsend and Black's Boundaries, please do and it will help you immmensely.

You and your husband will have to present a united front to your mom. If it means cutting back on the time she has with your son then so be it. Any grandma who would be so disrespectful to the parents of her grandchildren needs to be dealt with. I know its hard but hon for your mom to yell at you at a cafe to get her own way is pretty bad. She is out of control, and may very well be trying to take your place in your son's life.

Any feelings you have about this are valid and you have to protect your son from his grandma's crazymaking.
Hope all goes well with you.

1. We had a similar problem with presents with my in-laws, though they didn't live so close and thus the grandparent spoiling wasn't so constant. Our solution was to put a cap on the number of presents/relative. Anything over that amount would be returned by us, unopened. We explained to them why too much was becoming a problem, how the children were behaving as a result, and what we wanted the children to learn. We tried to put the discussion in the context of enlisting the grandparents' help in shaping and guiding these beautiful children so they'd learn the right lessons and grow into wonderful adults. And then we packed away 3/4 of the toys they had, and we'd periodically rotate toys so they didn't have access to everything at once.

2. You're a parent now, and sometimes you have to be the bad guy. Comes with the territory. Get used to it. You have to learn to not take it personally when your child strikes out with words when he's not getting what he wants. That's normal, and he'll learn better in time with your help. And in the meantime, you have to not make it about who loves who most, even in his eyes. You love your child. You're doing what's best for your child. Your mother loves your child and wants to make that adorable face all smiles when she's around. When your son strikes out this way, you can say you love MawMaw, too. MawMaw's fun, and that's MawMaw's job. But you're the mommy, and mommies have to do what's best so their children grow up properly. Note: The kid does not have to understand this now. He just has to accept that you're the mom, and you're not budging. You're the final authority, and that's that. Understanding will come later. Right now, the law is the law, period.

3. You need to work things out with your mother. Find a way to explain your concerns without blaming her. Hold your ground.

4. Kids learn quickly to handle different sets of rules. We can do this at home. We can do this at Grandma's. Sometimes they'll goof at one place or the other, but overall they pick it up pretty quickly. My answer when one of the kids said 'but Grandma lets me . . .' was 'you're not at Grandma's house now. The rule here is . . . ' No criticism of Grandma, just statement of fact. Accept it, kid, don't argue, and get on with it.

About me -- 3 grown kids in their 20s, and we're all still on good terms with the in-laws

Aww he doesnt love your mom more than you! I go through the same thing with my parents. They are terrible! Maybe not AS bad as yours! Maw Maw just seems more appealing when he knows hes going to get exactly what he wants from her and no disipline. My child doesnt like me when my parents are around either, Im old news. I got over it. But we moved kinda farther than my mom would have liked so we only see them on weekends or every other. But I think 3xs a week I would be pulling my hair out. Maybe move? Haha! No really your son loves you and knows when it comes to what he needs, he needs his mommy! But I think your mom should respect your wishes more and not make a scene about your parenting in public or anywhere for that matter. This is a tough one. Some things that have helped me with the toys, if they insist on buying them toys every 5 minutes, the toys stay there. Maybe if your mom trips over them all day she will realize hes got enough toys! I dont know what to say about the junk food and naps. Last weekend my daughter spent the night over there, stayed up until midnight, had chips and dip for lunch, no nap, when I went to pick her up she was an exhausted mess. Having meltdowns and everything, AND they asked me why I wasnt doing anything about it???? I laughed and said you did this, have fun with it, and left and made them drive her home the next day. I wasnt dealing with that mess! Hopefully that did something! But I promise he loves you, probably even better than your mom! ;)

A., I wish that I knew the dynamics of the relationship between yourself and your Mother. This sounds like such a power struggle to me...and I don't have any really good advice for you. I think it is all somehow rooted in the relationship between yourself and your Mother. Respect has to be a two way street, so maybe you and your Mom need to sit down and have a really CALM NON-ACCUSATORY talk about how this is effecting not only your son but also the relationiship between the two of you.
I semi- understand what your Mother is going through, as far as the toys and things like that. I have a 13 month old grandson that is the joy of my life. I am CONSTANTLY seeing things that just BEG to be purchased and taken to Kieran!! BUT...his parents told all of the family this year before Christmas that they want to "simplify" things and explained their reasoning. At first, I will admit, I was a bit upset. My initial response was "Hmmmmph they are NOT going to tell me how to celebrate Christmas" but then I calmed down and gave it more thought and saw the wisdom of their request. They are also doing things differently than I did with my children at that age but I go along with their wishes because Kieran is THEIR baby not mine, and I dont want to meddle.
You need to sit down with your Mother and talk from your viewpoint...explain WHY you dont want him staying up late, WHY you dont want him eating a lot of sugar and WHY you need to get a handle on the toys and such. But please, keep reminding your Mother that you love her...and your son loves her and that you are just trying to improve your relationship. It may take more than one "talk"...and you will have to be lovingly firm...maybe ask her how she would have reacted if YOUR grandmother had refused to go along with her parenting decisions????
I am sorry that I have rambled so...and haven't really given you any advice...as a Grandma I would probably be better at talking to your Mom...lol.
Good luck honey..it is a sticky situation and one that needs a solution.
God Bless You

Hi A.:

You are lucky to have such a caring mom. I remember my Grandma was so much fun to be around. We had a close relationship throughout my child to adulthood. I would just have a talk with your mom. Tell her you LOVE that she loves your little boy so much & appreciate the (free) babysitting, but explain to her that when he gets home it is really hard to keep him on a schedule. I think it is kind of neat that she gives him a sweet treat now & then. Since Mom won't this will be something that he will look forward to now & again. Ask her to please limit the sweets to one a visit & while she may not follow the 8:00 bedtime that you have, could she please have him in bed by 9:00. Its hard to "discipline" our parents but do know that you mom is over the moon about your son & they do say that being a Grandparent is better than being a parent b/c you can spoil them & then send them home!

A.,

Wow! I can't imagine going through something like this. I have always had the opposite problem, as our grandparents are not close enough to smother. However, I want to say first, that your son does NOT LOVE your mom more than you. Period. He LOVES that she will give him anything, any time, and in the middle of the mall, he is perceptive enough to know there is nothing you can do about it. What he said was out of a desire to be where it would be more advantageous to him, not because he does not love you. Next time you hear this, just say "Well, that's too bad, because I love you more." Then stop. Conversation done.

OK, The major problem is that if Mom keeps this up at YOUR home and you don't get it under control, you had may as well be at the mall. Either Mom follows your rules and is compliant, or she goes home. This is your child, your home, Done. Of the things you mentioned, all of them seem to be very reasonable and normal requests. You aren't being overbearing, and if she has any issues, talk to your pediatrician ahead of time and warn them of the situation, and have THEM talk to her about sugar, irregular bed times, etc. However the bottom line is that no matter what anyone else has to say about him, your word is last and that is that. If Tuesday's are blue body paint day, then so it is.

It can be terribly hard to stand up to your parents, especially when kids are involved and you know that their intentions are not vicious. However, your boy could start being defiant in other ways if this continues, especially if he knows his line about loving grandma more bothers you. You HAVE to stand up, let her know that her double standards are not going to be tolerated any longer, you can find a new evening babysitter when you need one and she can not have him, and the time at her house without you can be limited if she chooses to not allow you to parent your way and follow your lead. I doubt she wants any of those things to happen.

Good lock, shug! Parenting is hard, and this is just one of those unexpected issues that you don't see coming. Just know she thinks she is being loving or she wouldn't be doing it. Maybe she doesn't realize how far it has gotten. If you can't communicate without fighting, maybe talk to your Dad? Write a letter? However you can get it across.

Good luck! Love your boy and have a great New Year!

Get with some groups like MOPS and spend less time with granny. That's what I did.

A., I am so sorry, but boy can I relate your mother to my father.

First of all, never ask a child if they love you when they are upset with you, you wont like the answer. Secondly your mother has never accepted your authority as the parent. she will have to be educated on this as well as your son.

Since she can not behave and leads him into misbehavior you will have to limit the time they spend together. If she wants to know why she can not see him as often tell her the truth, if she begins ridiculing you or yelling at you, hang up the phone. The point is, you are the one in charge, not her and she and your son have to understand that.

We knew that one of the things my parents would never do was put our kids to bed on time. So we made it a house rule, they could never spend the night with them unless it was a night when there was no school. That would be a Friday night, or a saturday night. We never budged on this. If we had soemthing to go to, during the week and they offered to keep them, they could, but we always picked them up afterward. We never broke this rule.

They also broke the food rules, so the time they were allowed to spend with them when they were little was limited to time at our house. If they brought junk food with them, I thanked them for it and would allow the children a very small portion, the rest was put on a high shelf. If the fussed at me about it, I would just let them know that they raised me with certain rules and I am raising my children with certain rules. It took time, and they always showed their disapproval but they got used to it.

Your mother needs to be trained, and it is not going to be easy. She will probably have a fit, but remember, you are the one in charge. If she has been told that you are limiting her visits for the next month to only two or three and she shows up at the door, dont answer it. She will test you. If she makes a scene ignore it, she will go away. If she cries, tell her how much you love her, but you have to be a good parent and she does not respect your parenting skills.

You have to be firm with her, set your limits and then stand by them.

Your son will want to know what is going on and why things have changed. Dont hide it from him. Tell him that you are his mother and you set the rules, but grandma breaks them and give him examples. Let him know that if the rules are broken he wont be able to see her as much. We did this with our kids and we were surprised at what happened. When they were with my dad and he offered them candy or soda, they would tell him no they had enough for the week. They began reninforcing the rules for us to their grandparents. int time we all worked out and things worked out great. My parents always took a little too much room with the rules, but we expected it, and because they time they spent together had been limited it was alright.

Your relationship with your son is too important to let this go on. I know this will be hard for you, but you have to weigh which relationship is more important at this time.

At this age, they love whoever lets them get away with stuff the most. Don't take it personally. You need to lay the ground rules with your mother and stick with it. Does she have a good friend or sister who could intervene for you? Someone you could talk to that could be trusted on your behalf? If not, you may have to cut her off until she agrees to abide by your rules, but understand that grandparents will let them get away with more but it sounds as if your mom has went over the edge.

Good luck,
D.

Molly, that's so funny about leaving your daughter with your mother! :)

A., I agree that your son doesn't love your mom more. It's quite natural for children to have a favorite person at the moment. They'll go back and forth between parents and caregivers and other relatives all the time.

You DO need to set some ground rules for your mom. Tell her if she is going to insist on doing things her way she can start paying part of this boys expenses. You pay for him, keep him, do all the grunt work and you get to make the rules.

I hope I don't do stupid things. I'm about to become a grandma and I'll be taking care of my grandchild so that my daughter can work and go to college. But I'm also a daycare provider and still understand the value of naps and good foods and no soda. Thankfully, my daughter hates soda and I know we don't need it.

I notice that you want to go to Culinary school. Tell mom that since she loves your son so much that she wants to make some of the rules for him, she can help you go to Culinary school. Does she work during the day? If so is there a school at night? I'm serious. She should care about your future and going to school is something that should never be put off. The longer you don't go the more likely you never will. Whether or not your son stays up late or eats junk or if she falls in line this time will pass. The good news is that little kids can handle the junk better than we can and as they get older you can easily explain to him why the junk is going to be forbidden at home. Everyone should be able to have some treats sometimes. If it's only done at Grandmas house, sometimes and with your permission, you aren't being the bad guy. You are just teaching your son that treats come rarely. Grandma may need to see him less often if she can't fall in line.

Suzi

Good Morning A.. First off your son doesn't love Maw maw more then you, its a button pusher. He saw how it affected you and keeps pushing it. (smart little man)
Most kids will do this at some point. When Corbin is with me he wants his best friend Mama. When with Mom & Dad he wants Papa & Nana. Its a game they play. I always play along with But But your Mama and Daddy would Miss you so much. They would be so sad. ( Corbin wants everyone Happy constantly)

As to your Mom WOW. I keep Corbin & Zane daily, and I do Follow their rules, I might spoil them once in a while but never do I go over board. If he has lost his privileges at home (no DVDs) he loses them here also. (he figured out how to turn on the DVD player in his room, so instead of sleeping at night........lol )His TV and player come out of his room until he earns them back.

Gr parents love to spoil gr kids, but I think your mom is going way over board here A.. I would get your hubby involved even though Dr. Phil says..........lol If it's your parent you deal with it. Write out your Rules on a list, invite MOM over for dinner and present her with the list, after dinner of course and sit and talk about them.

If I break or fudge on a rule they have established I let them know. Like we had Popcorn for afternoon snack so he had a small sippy cup of soda pop. (I only drink clear pop)

When our three oldest gr kids come for the night, we have slumber parties in the living room, with POpOpoppOOOppcorn and drinks, movies, games etc. They fall asleep on their own. I stay on the couch so we are all together. Asher 4, is usually first to zonk at 10:30, then Tia 9, around 11, Austin 8, is the hold out, he makes it until after midnight. :))

When Our Son & Daughter in law go to TX to visit Emme ( DIL's mom) she piles on the presents. This last Christmas they brought back box's stacked in the truck. Some they left there so they would have things when they visit next time. BUT Corbin's nickname for his gr ma is "Emme Give me Presents". Corbin & Zane are Her only gr children and when she gets the chance she spoils them she does. We (Gen ,boys & I ) were there for a week at one time and Sherry (mom) gave Corbin a present each day. Hence the Nickname

I would load up a lot of the toys and take them to Mom's house, I am sure you visit there some times. Old or gently used toys I would donate to a Children's home, children's hospital or a charity.

Take your Life back A., your an adult now. Don't allow your Mom to bully you and force you to being a little child. It took me a lot of years hon to get to the point my mom couldn't hurt me with her words anymore. Man did it feel good to let go. She can only hurt and belittle you IF you allow it. She is your Mom and respect is Important, BUT (there's always a big BUT) you do not have to be bullied into submission.

I hope other Mama's will help or offer better suggestions and insights.

BIG ((((H-U-G-S)))) A., hold your chin up babe.

K. Nana of 5

if your mother cannot respect your request to be around your son and follow his regimen that you have set for him, then maybe you need to tell her that she cannot see him or come over. at least until she can understand that your feelings of being upset and hurt over her total disregard for your feelings. after all, you are the parent here and the child is yours and she should understand and respect your reasonable request. sounds like she is "buying" his affections. i know you must love your mom, you need to try a tough approach with her since she won't listen to you otherwise. if she loves you as much as your son then she should stop and think about she's been doing and the chaos it has brought to you. respect, that's what she needs to have with you and your family decisions.

I would have started crying too! I'm sorry you are going through that. I hope I never have to hear that from my kids when they get older, cause my mom-in-law seriously spoils them. I fear the day they become teens and tell me they hate me when I don't let them have their way.

As for your mom, I would just keep expressing how you feel, maybe even limit her seeing him until she gets it or something. I can't believe she wont listen! That would drive me nuts.

Sorry this is so late, but I have the same problem as you. I can completely understand what you are going through. The only difference is mine is my mother in law and my son is 8. It is very difficult, but you need to try to set some rules before it is too late. I tried to set rules and express how I felt when my son was 2 and it got better for about a year and then it went back to the same old thing (even worse at times). I now have two kids and they are 8 & 5. The oldest is still babied and grandmas favorite and the 5 yr old notices this, but she doesn't feel like she treats them any different. But there is a HUGE difference in the treatment. So I do feel sorry for you knowing what it is like having your child say they would rather live with a grandparent and love their grandma more than their own mom, I hear it regularly. So please take it from someone who is trapped in the same situation, try to take a hold of it now while your child is little. Good Luck!!

A.,
I have the exact same situation going on except it is my mother in law instead. My daughter is 2 1/2 and she will throw HUGE fits if she doesnt get to see grandma or anytime we have to leave after being with them. Plus my mother in law exasterbates it by what I believe is purposley taking away "special" times from me. We had to stay at their house one night while we were having our heating and cooling stuff updated and it was too cold to stay at our house. We told our daughter that it was really late and as soon as we got to grandmas house it was time for bed. Now Im no dummy I knew it wasnt going to be an easy feat to get her to go straight to bed. When we got there my mother in law told my daughter right in front of us that she didnt have to go to bed yet blah blah blah, when I corrected her and told my daughter I would read her some bedtime books my mother in law walked right past me and snatched the books out of my hand and told my daughter that SHE would read her as many books as she wanted. I was so mad I just went to the spare bedroom and cried till I fell asleep.
Unfortunantly I dont have any advise for you seeing as that I cant even take care of my own problem but I do wish you luck and if you need to vent I will listen! or if you run across anything helpful would you please let me know too?!

No matter what he says, he will love his mother above all others! He knows this too. Sometimes kids favor dad, an uncle or someone else and that's natural but when he falls down and gets hurt, it's you he runs to.
So, ask yourself, do you mind that she breaks the rules or that he says he loves her more because of it? Try to think of which rules are most important. Is it bedtime, toys or what he eats. Every grandma wants to spoil their grandchildren so you might try to find something that she can do and ask her not to do the others. For me, it's food at my moms house. They get to stay up a little later than at our house but it's not too bad. They also get chocolate milk there. So, my advice would be to come to a reasonable compromise with grandma. 1:00 am is not "reasonable" but maybe 9:00 is........ Just my two cents. Do whatever you think it best.

Your son is just saying this because all kids think they want to have everything and do everything. Your mother is not doing him any favors. I think you need to limit his time with her and give some of his toys to the poor. Your mother should not overrule you like that. Good luck

It sounds to me like your mother has issues. She seems to be more concerned with fulfilling her needs than to look out for the good of your son. She also seems to have no idea how difficult she's making things for you. If you can't get her to understand that your son needs stability, and should have roughly the same rules from all the adults in his life, for his own well-being, then you're going to have to limit how often she sees her grandson. If she's not going to work with you and come to an agreement about how much he can be spoiled while in her care, then she can see him once a month, for a day, and she can spoil him all she wants on that day. If she wants to tone it down and be more reasonable, the visits can be more often. So give her the choice.

Wow, your mom throws fits, your son throws fits. Your mom doesn't listen to you, your son doesn't listen to you. You must be frustrated as all get out.
OF COURSE your son thinks he likes Maw Maw better, she gives him everything he wants!
Some time when your mom and son's behavior is not issues, some relatively pleasant, private time, tell her how you feel. Let her know that you think it is OK for grandparents to "spoil" a little bit, but you feel it is TOO much. Express your concern about schedule, for your sake as well as your son's. Let her know how difficult her lack of rules makes it for you. Let her know that you can't physically keep all the toys and will start giving them to charity.
You don't want to remove your mom from your son's life, but you may have to subtly limit it. Did her mother interfere with raising you? How did she like it?
The whole time you have to remember that your mom loves you both, your son loves you. And, if all else fails, and your mother needs to continue spoiling somebody, she can come to my house!

I also agree with Amy H. Nothing more to add to it. Good luck and God Bless.

wow, sounds like a tough position, Id say one, grandparents love to spoil. If it was no more than that, then whatever, let it go. But from the way your son talks to you to the way your mother does...i'd say there are things going on when you're not around, like her speaking about you badly, that would be unacceptable. I'd be done talking to my mother, she'd either have to cut it out or not see my family until she could.

Personally, I would tell her that if she will not listen to me, as I am his parent and respect my wishes about the way he is raised, and my rules, that I will be limiting her time with my child to only times that I am with her and she can be corrected. If she has a problem with that, then she can not see him for a while. If you take a hard line and stand up for yourself, she will back down, or your child will be in a healthier environment.

I am so sorry, but You have to be the "bad guy" to Maw Maw and lay down the ground rules...she either follows them or no more alone time with your son...as his mother You know best and she can respect that or suffer the consequences...it sounds harsh but it is so disrespectful of her, I understand from her point of view it is her right as Maw Maw to get to spoil him, but there is spoiling a grandchild and there is being ridiculous and she crossed over to ridiculous ( in my opinion!) Stand your ground, be kind but firm...lots of luck
B.
And he does not love his maw maw more than his mommy I Promise, but he will say it if he realizes it gets a reaction out of you, just ignore it and know if you sent him to live with maw maw tomm his heart would pine for you because love is not bought with presents and candy its earned through respect and love