In the last couple of weeks we have begun basic timeouts for my 18 month old who has taken to hitting. Problem is - he seems to love time outs and I'm looking for some insight!
We so far are only giving time outs for hitting. He has started a nasty habit of walking up to the dog and whacking him and laughing about it. We have always corrected him by saying "No!" in stern voice and "we do not hit." And showing him how to pet gentle instead. But the problem has gotten worse and has extended to hitting us and other children. So, wanted to do timeouts.
When I see him hit the dog, I go to him immediately and hold his hand and say "NO, we do not hit. If you hit again, you will go to timeout." To which he usually immediately hits again. At first, I brought him to a designated timeout chair and say "you are in timeout for hitting, there is NO hitting." Then turned my back or took about 1-2 steps away. He sometimes sat there smiling and sometimes would try to get up. I would place him back in chair no talking, no eye contact, no attention. Still he found this game of getting up and having mom put him back amusing.
So - decided to try a timeout in the crib in desperation for him to feel more isolated and like this was an actual punishment. Same way as before, but place in crib and turn on a timer (1 minute) that he can hear beep and then I come get him and say "Henry was in timeout for hitting and there is NO hitting." I have him say sorry and give me a hug or go pet the dog gentle. Problem - he loves being put in his crib too apparently. He doesn't cry, fuss or look sad. He smiles, lays down and rolls around.
What do I do? I am stern, I do not give attention and I don't give attention. Is this a sign he's too young to understand a timeout and if so what can I do instead of simple redirection for an offense as serious as hitting? None of these times he has been tired, sick, etc. He just finds it funny or I don't know what else!
I feel like they are definitely not working because it's not worked even a little bit as a deterrent for the same behavior over and over.
In addition to the great support the other respondents have offered - get the book (from the library even) "Hands are not for hitting" read it in the morning, at bed time at nap time, etc.
I understand your problem, of course you don't want him to hit. Of course he thinks it's funny he's a baby, he doesn't understand what he's doing. And having a baby or even a child say they're sorry doesn't mean anything to them, an apology is something that comes from within a person's heart, it's not something you can make happen other than by your own example. Obviously you're using the "No" for a situation that calls for it. Are you using it a lot or for lots of other things too? Best to save the "No's" for dangerous things or when they cause damage to someone or something. If "No's" are used sparingly they are heard. If used too often or indiscriminately, children quickly learn to ignore it. It takes a lot of work, but best to redirect the energies continuously by saying, "You may." "You may pet the dog." "You may hug your brother." "You may play with the toy." This way you're giving a clear and positive message and redirecting the energy. It might be a good idea, even though he is so young, to not only pet the dog with him, but show him how we brush him and feed him and have him join in. He's so little and I'm sure he doesn't get it, but at least this is a re-direction. The magic word: "May" can bring about a lot of good results and can be used for years and years. "You may pick up your toy." "You may wear this shirt." etc. Keep it mostly to what they may do, but sometimes you will have to say what they may not do. This way things are kept positive and things are clear. As the child gets older, it creates a sense of mindfulness. ~~Remember, he's still a baby. ~~Sending Blessings for you and your's
Sorry... but at 18 months my girls were too young to understand the concept of time-out. Yours probably is too. Until he's a bit older, the best you can do is watch him like a hawk around the dog and other kids, and reinforce the behavior (say no, tell him no hitting, etc.).
Do it for 2 minutes. Keep it up. He doesn't have to be miserable.
The point of the time out isn't to have him be miserable, it is to remove him from the situation completely. If he can still see you and the dog, he's not far enough removed.
You might try setting up the pack and play in a guest room or other out of the way area. When he hits, very sternly say "NO!" and scoop him up, no eye contact, put him in the pack and play, walk out and shut the door. Leave him in there for two minutes (no timer he can hear beeping...YOU are in charge of the time he's there, not a little device).
He's too little to understand the explanation, he'll only understand that every time he is hitting, he is removed and isolated.
I notice that you say that as soon as you tell him not to hit, and hold his hand, he immediately hits again. I would take his hands LESS gently. Don't give him the opportunity to hit again. By being a little to gentle or nice with your hands, he doesn't take this seriously, and he doesn't really "get" that he has to stop. I'm not saying to hurt him, but if he is actually able to hit again while you are dealing with this, you are being too gentle.
Perhaps putting him in his room so he can't see you would help him not be happy about timeouts.
Good luck!
Dawn
Totally normal. The amusement will wear off. Trust me. Getting up constantly is normal too. Smiling is also normal. He sees it's getting a reaction out of you. Just keep being consistent. I started time outs with both of my kids at 18 months of age. He may not completely, totally understand just yet, but he will soon. Right now the hitting is a bit of a game. I hit and I get mommy's attention . During time out, I get up and again get mommy's attention. He will eventually learn that it's not fun. Hang in there.
A couple things to remember about timeout (or any good discipline method):
1) Discipline does not mean punishment. Your goal is to correct and change the behavior, not to make him miserable. He doesn't have to hate it for it to help stop the behavior.
2) It won't work if he isn't clear about the cause effect relationship, and he's going to have to test it a few times to figure that out.
3) At 18 months you can't expect his behavior to change long term this quickly. "Working" doesn't mean he doesn't hit the dog the next time he sees the dog, it means he stops hitting the dog right NOW.
That said, my advice would be:
Go back to the designated spot for time-out. He can't make the connection if you use the crib because it isn't ALWAYS about correction. For 18 months old, 90 seconds is more appropriate than a minute (I know it seems like not much difference, but it is). Make sure the spot is not visually interesting (I'll be there's plenty to do/look at in his crib). My son always sat with his back to the front door... now (at 5) he just goes to the nearest corner because sometimes the front door is 3 stories away.
BUT
Try using simple redirection before time-out. Keep your voice very calm (little kids sometimes get a kick out of the funny angry/stern voices we use because they don't understand the emotion behind them). If he hits the dog, take him away from the dog. "Hitting hurts. We never hit the dog. Come away from the dog now." Then only if he goes back and hits the dog would you give time-out.
HTH
T.
Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. He needs more serious results for hitting. We put our foot down BIG TIME on hitting and it saved me lots of stress never having kids who hit.
You honestly don't need to do anything more than simple redirection (over and over and over). It works, he will learn and over time he will mature no matter what you do. I am not sure what more you want to accomplish by punishing him.
As far as the dog goes - toddlers are never 100% predictable around animals and animals are never 100% predictable around kids. So supervision is necessary. (my son and I had one visit to the craniofacial surgeon and well over 70% of the kids in the waiting room were there for facial dog bites (between 1 and 7 operations each) and over 50% were by their own dogs who had apparently never shown any signs of aggression to anyone before the one bite).
One thing I have learned is w/ that young age, time outs work for some and not others. And telling "no hitting" is good, but also demonstrate what he CAN do...when I see lil ones poking my dog or hitting him, which could lead to dog being afraid of the kids, I walk over, tell them no hitting, but also show them "nice hands" and that the dog loves to be petted nicely. As far as making a time out actually work, have you tried maybe putting him in his highchair or a booster seat, strapped in, and facing a wall? That just takes away all of his visual stimulation. Don't talk to him or acknowledge him for that full minute or two. And always make sure to explain (before and after) why he had to sit...you are likely going to have to do this a lot, but hopefully it will help. OR...you might just have to search for an alternate to time outs if he enjoys em! LOL! Good luck and if you find something else that does work, I'd love to hear it!
My kids both liked timeouts when it was what you are describing. Then we switched it to them having to stand with their noses in a corner. They both hate that -- and voila! an effective punishment.
At that age though, we didn't make them stand in the corner. Either my DH or I would sit cross legged with the child on our laps, their arms folded and held by our hands. We would then repeat why they were being punished (ie - "You hit the dog.") followed by the reason for it being unacceptable (ie "When you hit, it hurts the person you hit") followed by the punishment for what they did (ie "Because you hit the dog you have to sit here quietly while I count to 30.) Then, when we got to the end of the punishment, we would make them repeat back to us, 5 times, what they need to do to be better. (ie "I will not hit the dog because it hurts him. I will be gentle with the dog....").
As long as you remain consistent, your child will learn that this is a punishment and not something to look forward to.
