My Sons Father Does Not Pick Him up or Call Him

I dated a man for a short time that was a "Big Brother". He was a great guy and really enjoyed it. A big brother will not replace a father, but maybe it could lesson the loss.

L.

B.,

I am so sorry that your ex isn't capable of "growing a set" himself and being the compassionate father that his son obviously needs. I totally agree that your son is old enough to hear from you that his father still loves him, but doesn't really know how to be a daddy right now. A child is always going to think that whatever wrong that is going on is their fault, and he needs to hear over and over and over again that this has absolutely nothing to do with him, that he is perfect just the way he is.

I agree with what you're doing to privately get him ready for a visit with dad, because he doesn't need the stress of knowing how many times his dad doesn't show up or call. I'm not sure how you feel about changing the custody agreement you currently have, but based upon his lack of participation, I would recommend that you do some soul-searching on that one, for both you and your son's sake. It's obvious that your ex doesn't feel the need to keep up his end of the custody, so why not change it and make the visitations less frequent? I think that doing that would take a lot of stress off your shoulders, and possibly give your ex the out he's looking for with his son.

In the meantime, and hoping that your ex treats his son much better than he treats you, I would make your son feel like it's just a good surprise when he does show up. Make a point of scrambling to get him packed for his time with dad, make a game of it - just to try and take the stress out of it and diffuse what must be a tense situation. And I would also plan a lot of fun stuff for just you and your son to do together. Whether it's a movie night, a trip to Six Flags, a weekly board game night, a trip to the local snow cone stand, taco Tuesday, whatever. Your ex has already put you in the position of standing in for him, so why not make the most of it and you guys get on a schedule that revolves around the two of you spending time together.

My heart goes out to you and your son, and I applaud you for being the awesome mother that you are for your kiddo. He is really lucky to have a mom like you.

All the best,
E.

You sound like you are doing the right thing with not being specific as to why he is getting "ready". We got custody of my step-son and now mom has not seen him in 14 months nor has she called in almost 8 months. The funny thing is she is now sueing us for custody back. You may have to document all of this - every time he does not call, show, comply with your paperwork and at some point I bet you will be back in court. It sounds like he is so mad at you over the split that he is taking it out on your son (IE: what he says to you). Legally you can not modify a visitaion order until 1 year unless you have proof of abuse. I believe this IS mental abuse but mental is so hard to prove in court so you would probably have to hold out for the 1 year mark. This is obviously having tramatic stress on your son and you have every right to worry. Keep a journal, document everything and speak to your attorney - he can be mad at you but he CAN NOT take this out on the kiddo! Good luck and God bless.

First and foremost, get your son back into therapy. Just because you as mom did not see that he got anything out of it, this is different. Your son needs to be able to speak with someone who will help him sort out his feelings about what is going on with his dad. The therapist will need to know the full story concerning visitation. Your son needs to know that it is not his fault that 1. the divorce happened 2. that dad won't come and visit him. Please get your son in therapy before other behaviors start to manifest themselves and then your situation is out of control.

Continue as mom to be positive about your ex-husband to your son. Never speak negative and redirect your son if he starts to. You cannot make a man do what he does not want to. Right now your ex-husband is like a wounded bear and his focus is not where it should be. You be mom and do what you must. Remember, this is not your fault so do not allow anyone to make you feel as if it is. Keep your head up and show your son love and more love. Dad once he himself heals will come around but right now, the wound for him is too fresh. Continue with the positive male influences in your son's life and encourage your son to participate in activities outside the house especially things that will keep him busy on the weekend.

Lastly, join your son in therapy so that you can also understand why things are the way that they are.

I really feel for you and your son. I think that you might make a journal of everytime that the ex misses and what you have done. Not only will this protect you if he takes you back to court for some unknown reason. one day your son may need to read them to see just how much you were really trying to get his dad to visit, and that you weren't keeping his dad from him. as he gets older he may have some magical thinking like, i hate my mom for keeping my dad from me. if she would have just......then dad would have been there. i would document very carefully. dates, times and wording of text messages. that you were upset, how you felt and how you got him ready to go to the store so he would not suspect that his dad missed the pick up etc. one day you will be glad you did all the documentation. now i know that it won't help now. but it sounds like you are doing all you can. i would also be very clear that while you did want the divorce, that does not diminish his responsability for him to parent his child whether you are together or not, and that he is punishing his child for your decision. and that is really sad. besides friends, do you have any male family members that can step in and help with him? this will indeed be an ongoing problem in the years to come. it sounds like your son is coping in the only ways he knows how. i wouldn't even talk to my ex anyway, i would keep everything in text or written form. and would continue to let my attorney know and even pull ex into the court again. just so it is documented what an a**hole he is. but for that there is not much you can do. in the long run it may be better that he doesn't have much influence over your son anyway if this is how he acts now.
show him how much you love and care for him. and keep some meticulous journals. I also agree with Mary B. it is time for your son to begin to cope with the situation. He is old enought to start being taught to better cope with this situation. perhaps some of his behvaiour is rooted in NOT KNOWING. maybe if he knew all the things Mary B said he could begin to heal. right now, he knows nothing and you are hiding things, so something must be wrong, and he probably wrongly suspects he is the source. i think you should talk to him, continue therapy, keep journals, and get some male role models. and just do the best you can.
good luck,
L.

B., you are doing a great job by keeping your son's exposure to the rejection to a minimum. I applaud you for the discreet preparation and forthought you are putting into "daddy's weekend". I too have a daughter from a previous relationship. I married my husband 4 yrs ago when she was 8 and we have endured many many weekends of the same behavior from her father. My daughter spent several years crying but also defending her dad, but now she doesn't even want to go see him. She litterally hopes he doesn't call her on Friday afternoon because she'd rather hang out with her friends or here and go to church on Sunday. And kids will eventually want their own lives. It's the first 10 years that we get the most attention from them, so your ex is a fool to let those years slip by! It hurts and is unfair to the child to be rejected by the other parent, but they do get over it eventually. Fortunately my husband has stepped right in to be the parental figure her biological father is not. And we have a wonderful church where the childrens ministers have been able to help her get through many tough years. Just keep doing what you are doing, making your son's feelings a priority and being that support and strong hold that he needs, and will continue to need. And pray pray pray for that little boy.

Blessings!
K.

B., oh how this makes my heart hurt. I'm in a similar situation and don't have the answers myself. I have a 4.5-year- old daughter and have been divorced nearly 3 years. She also has terrible problems peeing everywhere and I'm sooo frustrated. You've received some good advice. And good for you in reaching out to seek answers. He does need a strong male role model and obviously it's not his dad. Nor is my ex for my daughter and it hurts so much. I don't have family here (they're in Oregon) and have looked into fighting to be released from my domocile restrictions, but the attorney fees are outrageous. If you have family nearby, I do suggest you take advantage of it.

My other suggestion for you is to get involved in a strong single parents/moms ministry at a Bible teaching church. I'm not sure where you live, but I know both Gateway in Southlake and Irving Bible in Irving (closer to Valley Ranch) have wonderful programs. Also surround yourself with other single moms for strength and support.

Lastly, but most importantly, I encourage you to turn to God and pray daily for strength, discernment, courage, direction, peace and support for yourself, and the same for your son.

Bless you! S.

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish that I had some words of wisdom. But you are doing the best you can. Keep it up. I would however see if you can find someone for him outside the home to talk to. You said it didnt work before the situation is different now and I think it would help him. keep your chin up.

First let me say, "You are not responsible." That's a statement that has been told to me recently over and over again. B/c I was starting to feel like maybe I should have done something diff to help keep them connected. Reality is he is a grown man, and has the privilege of making his own choices and decisions.

I don't know that I have answers for you. I can tell you though what I deal with and what I do. I can offer suggestions. My best advice would be to pray often and consistently for your son, for his father, and for yourself. It's not an easy situation. Be candid with God about your feelings, what you think about all of this, and what you need, and believe Him to supply it. Ask for wisdom in how to handle each situation. Ask God to soften your ex-husband's heart to regain compassion for his child. Pray that you don't enter into bitterness and anger about the situation; it's very easy for a mom to slip into that when watching their child be neglected.

I was never married to my son's father, but we ended our relationship 2 or 3 years ago. While I don't see him as a bad man, I also feel he doesn't see him enough, and the only way i can reach him is thru text also. I WILL say he has stepped up to help out sometimes though when I have asked.

Remind your son that his father loves him, I agree with those comments. No matter what happens, that is the only father that child has, and its hard for a woman to understand what boys (or men) really feel and need. So ALWAYS as far as you are concerned hold his father in high regard. Children forgive more easily than adults, and in a year he may completely forget that this even happened.

I also don't tell my son if he is scheduled to do something with his father until we are driving on our way there, to help cut out the disappointment. I plan other "just in case" activities as well.

As for your ex, you can't force him to do anything, and I wouldn't even waste energy trying. He is rebelling. His is angry. If it looks like its going to hurt you, he's probably going to make sure to do it. So as much as possible, take "you" out of the equation. If willing, ask/suggest that your son call his father a couple of times during the week. Even if he leaves VM, let him tell his dad what's going on in his day. Let him text or call if something is needed, instead of you. Hearing only his son’s voice should help bring him out of the emotions he’s feeling. Let your ex pick your son up from someone else's house and drop him back off there. That way he never has to interact with you, which is probably what he's running from anyway.

I will be in prayer for you guys. The sad fact is that you are not alone, and God is helping women and men and children all over the world thru this daily. He will be there for you and your family as well.

B., unfortunately I have been in the same situation and it hurts to know that the childs father has chosen to be the type of father who doesn't care any more. You will have to let your son immerse himself in his friends. I saw another suggestion of letting a friend spend the night on Friday's. This is a wonderful idea but don't let it become a habit. Children get used to this sort of entertainment and expect it on any and all occasions. I know we as single mothers need our "alone" time too and I know you would love for your husband to relieve you of the child at times. That doesn't mean that you don't love your child it's just human. You will have to find ways of letting your child know that he can have fun without his Dad. Set up weekends with him and start giving him reasons to get excited about them early in the week. This way, he isn't wondering why Daddy isn't coming on Friday's.
I had to plan things on Friday nights even when the Dad was suppose to come and if he showed up I would either be gone or tell him that we had made plans and he would have to come another time. don't let he child know you are upset that with the Daddy. Ex's like him aren't worth your effort. It sounds like you have some great male role models surrounding you. Let them know how much you appreciate their efforts too.
Good luck.

Baily this sitution breaks my heart for you. Everyone is hurting right now. Have you responded to your ex that your son is not responsible for the adult choices and ask him why he wants to punish a 7 year old. I personlly would not want anyone around my son who isnt stable and I wouldnt push the situation. If he is not mature enough to seperate your relationship with your son I wouldnt even ask anymore for him to take him. I would worry about what he would be saying or doing to him in your absence. He sounds very resentful. Maybe is there a grandpa that can step in and take him in his absence? I think you are doing the right thing in keeping a male rolemodel in his life but maybe a little counseling would be good too. I would also keep your son busy get him involved in soccer or something like that. Talk to his pediatricin about his sleepwalking, and bedwetting. Is he on meds this may be a side effect in conjunction with the added stress. One last thing let your son know he did nothing wrong and that his daddy may just need some time to get things together. Pray together for him. We did this with our nephew whos father left 7 years ago and it helped him find peace in the situation and give it to God it is a big burden for a little guy and we didnt want him carrying it. We only told him what he asked for and even then was it sensored. I am praying for your family and know that it is a big burden for you as well so take a deep breath and know your not alone.

My parents went through a bitter divorce when I was 8 years old...I want to tell you what I have learned through 50 years of living with a Dad that began out like your child's. Some examples of Dad's just were not cut out/born to be loving parents. I was in my early 50's when I got my first birthday card with an expression of words written by him and they were only a sentence long. We lived 70 miles from each other. We visited face to face maybe twice a year. I came to realize that God made him the way he was and I just had to ACCEPY that. Don't expect anything! The on times the lates the forgottens. And in nothing you have everything you need. Do not stay in the state of asking the why's move on in your life filling him with Christians and people that lift you up and don't bring you down. My Mom died when I was 38 Learn to forgive yourself that you can't be everything to your child. In this your child is free to be himself. Now my Dad is 82 and as I look to him he wants to leave me my share of the will of his possessions the life I have it is not needed so does the repitious circle keep unfolding...
Live a life of prayer.
In Christ
Mrs. B

I'm 48 and I went throught the same thing as a kid
Plan activities for you and him together for "Just in case"

Don't talk negative against the dad (IT'S HARD)your son will remember which parent had his back through his growing years(had to remind my ex husband of thaton several occassions). No one like to see their child hurt and I think back on how hard it must of been for my mother to watch me look out the window waiting for someone who she knew was never going to show up. I was such a "Daddy's girl" I was 7 when he left, I never saw him again til I was 18. I respect him as my father but if I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION BETWEEN MY PARENTS, HE WOULD LOSE BIG TIME
He is now a sad lonely man of 74 years
My brothers(2) could care less about him but Mom has the love and support of all of her children and we remember every little thing she did , there are so many memories and most of them just involve the time, love and support she showered on each of us. It will take years but your son will always appreciate everything you do

Dear B.. I am so sorry your ex has chosen to take out his anger on your child. It's really too bad and he is missing so much by making this choice. I don't believe anything you can do or say will make the man change his behavior. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to protect your son and help him through a really difficult time. My husband left me just before our son turned 13 and we did not hear from him again for ten years. It wasn't easy, but I always told my son his father's behavior was no fault of his and that my ex loved him even if he was unable to communicate that. Eventually, father and son reunited and now have a comfortable relationship for which I am glad. You mentioned your son had been going to a therapist. What about you? Anyone helping you? I tried a therapist for my son also (he is ADHD, too) and while it did some good for him, I ended up going myself. It is the best time and money I have ever spent. It really gave me a safe place to deal with my disappointments and anger and I was better able to cope with my kid as a result. If that doesn't appeal, perhaps you could find a support group of some kind, either at church or in the community. It will get better over time. Right now, it sounds like everyone is raw and hurting. Some of that will ease, but not right away. Try to take one day at a time, one challenge at time. Take good care of yourself.
B

Dearest B.,

You have already gotten so much good advice that I'm not going to repeat it. What I am going to say, however, is that the very BEST thing you can do for the both of you is to get involved in your local church so that both of you have some support during this difficult transition.

I attend Fellowship Church in Grapevine and LOVE IT!!!!
www.fellowshipchurch.com

They have a divorce recovery class that is just awesome and the kiddos have a mini class and then playtime for them while you are there. It really has provided a source of hope and healing for me and I know it would do the same for you as well..

If you would like more information, please feel free to call me on my cell at ###-###-####

Remember: God will not lead you, where HIS grace won't cover you...

God Bless,
S.

I think you are doing the right thing by handling the situation without getting your son's hopes up and then his dad is not showing up. I grew up in the same situation. My dad was supposed to come pick us up or call for a special occasion and he was just M.I.A. My mom would always do her best to not say negative things about him and just be the best mom she could be and try to leave the personal problems between her and my father out of the parenting. As we got older we were able to formulate our own opinions about him and me and my brothers are all on different pages with that as adults. I now live on the other side of that coin with my husband who was previously married and has a 12 year-old son from that marriage. We are all good friends and I go completely out of my way to make the situation the best it can be for my step-son but his mother gave him way too much information about the break up of the relationship and he really shouldn't have to process all that as a child. I really commend my mom, especially now that I am an adult, for being the bigger person and always speaking positively of a man who was definitely hard to speak positively about. It is always best to put the best interest of your son first no matter what your ex does. It isn't right but we can't control others just us. Good luck with your situation and I will pray for you!

I am so sorry. that makes me so angry. I will pray for you and your son. The only thing, other than therapy, would be to look for a support group for kids. Try Lakepointe Church - they have a lot of different avenues in the counseling department.

You can take hime back to court for not going by the court order. But, if he doesn't want it, I would be worried how he would treat your son. My ex did this after we divorced with my daughter. Saw her for 3 months then stopped. Luckily she had my dad and step-dad and the missing him slowly faded. Eventually after taking him to court for child support, he opted to terminate his rights. Just keep him really active. On those nights dad doesn't get him, take him to do something. Even if it is just McDonalds or something. Have him do every activity that comes up with cub scouts and emerce him in his friends. Maybe he can invite a friend over that weekend so it helps keep his mind off of it. Try really hard not to talk bad about his dad in front of him. Unfortunatly if Dad does decide to come back, you have to let him.

Can you stand one more??? Stay so busy, you don't have time for the absentee father. I've witnessed the child waiting and watching at the window for hours for the no-show father. It's horrible! It has long-lasting effects, too. What ever it takes to establish a routine, do it. Kids gain great comfort from knowing what to expect. Get some legal advice on how best to handle the no-show. J

I am really sorry that your son has to be the recipient of your ex-husbands anger and resentment toward you.

Here is a little hope though; I too was raised by a single mother. I only saw my father in the summer and believe me I grew up fine. I have a good husband and I am a mother of 4. Your son will be fine also. This is a rough patch in your lives but as long as he has your love and your support he will make it through this.

My suggestion to you is to move through life with normalcy. Begin to establish routines and family traditions for you and your son as though his father had never been there. The normalcy of your lives will return once you have restructured how the two of you exist. I would also let your ex know that he CAN NOT pick your son up if he does not first call. If you allow him to continue to sporadically pick your son up it will interfere with the routines and the normalcy you are trying to create. If your husband changes then perhaps you reconsider excluding him from your lives. However the way he is acting he doesn't deserve to be involved.

No doubt your ex will fight this and rebel against the proactive steps you are taking, but stand firm; and if necessary be prepared to go to court and restructure the visitation clause in your decree. If you are forced to go to court keep strict/detailed records on your ex's behavior the times he comes to get your son, the times he does not, the times he is late; the times he calls, the times he does not, and the snide remarks he makes.

Your son needs time and nurturing, but he also needs a strong decisive and protective hand. Stand up for him.

The sleepwalking and the peeing, is a phase but if not curtailed/and controlled can spin into other issues for your son. I would be sure to let him know that everything will be alright and that you love and support him. I would also let him know that he is still responsible for being a big boy and going to the bathroom etc. I would validate him by letting him know that being sad and angry is acceptable, but even in sadness we must always be in control of ourselves and grow stronger.

I hope what I said makes sense, and if you use any of the suggestions I hope that they help. I will keep the two of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind regards,
S. Montgomery

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. My sons' father lives in Arizona and has absolutely nothing to do with them. They are 8 and 5, both ADHD. After the first couple of years I gave up trying to talk to him about it. My sons don't even ask for him anymore. They won't talk to him on the phone, on the off chance that he calls. I decided that I can't force their dad to be a dad. Positive male role models in their lives helps a lot! I'm afraid that there are no winners in a situation like this. Remember that you cannot blame yourself for this. I just do the best I can to raise my kids to accept the consequences of their actions and take resposibility for them so that they never do this to anyone. I may not have been much help, but just know that you are not alone! Good luck!

As a child of divorced parents, my advice is to do your best to make sure he understands that his Dad loves him and it is not his fault. That sometimes when adults are mad they make horrible choices just like children do. He will have a hard time with it. Do your best to not talk about his Dad in a bad way around him and keep him busy.
I'm sorry your going through that. It has to be the worst to have to watch the father of your child be so evil. And to me it is just evil to hurt your son to get back at you. Sadly some people just aren't very good people and unfortanetly children sometimes learn this alot younger then we would want them to. Sounds like you are handling it the best you can and hopefully your ex will stop being angry long enough to see his mistakes. Good luck.

Because your son's mental and emotional health is at risk and, judging by the statements you say he makes, I would suggest that you speak
with an/your attorney about a modification to
the visitation/divorce; see about getting court ordered family counseling with your son and his father, two or three times per month and you and your son once or twice a month.

I think you should talk to your son about his feelings. I am sure he feels terrible about what is going on and explain to him that it is not his fault that his father is acting this way. It sounds like your ex is mad at you about the divorce and is trying to get back at you, but is really just hurting your son.

Also get your son back into therapy and let him have someone to talk to that can offer positive ways for him to deal with his feelings.

Another thing is also to enroll your son in the Big Brothers and Big Sisters program. The only requirement is for a child to need a positive adult in their lives. Your son could benefit from their program so that he will have a positive adult to visit with him and see him consistently and it will give your child a chance to go out and do some fun things and feel like he has a role model that he can trust and talk to.

B.,

My heart goes out to you and your son. My daughter and I went through a similar situation with her dad, but she is almost 12 and she just saw him a week ago after not seeing him for almost a year. He has rage issues that he is unwilling to deal with. The best advice I can give you is to talk to your son and ask him how he feels. You might want to check out a course called the Landmark Forum. It helped me get through some really rough times. It's only for a weekend, but will give you tons of tools to help with your son. Also, document EVERY time your ex doesn't pick up your son so that in the rare occurance that he tries to get custody, you have proof that he doesn't exercise his visitation. It seems that he never would, but you never know. It sounds like your husband is using your son as a weapon of war.

I will pray for you.

M.

Your son is young but he will understand more, if you talk to him about the situation and what the separation is all about.

Assure him that you will always be there, and that his Daddy loves him but just has a strange way of working through this separation from you. Let your child know that he has done nothing wrong.

Keep him involved with all types of outside activities, soccer, baseball, etc. This will provide the outlet he needs to be with other children his age.

Stop calling your ex-husband to see if he's going to pick up your son, the more you call the more he's going to respond in a negative way.

Be careful not to have any other male around him that may show any affection toward you. He does not like this and he will strike out eventually.

Mom you've got to be the Mother and the Father now. You may not know everything about sports and the men things, but you're going to have to pretend right now for your child.

He will eventually speak out, give him time.

I am also a single mother, I've raised 2 young men and I'm presently raising my 3rd little boy. I was not sure what to do in the beginning, but I decided my children were mine, and if their father chooses not to come around, pay child support etc., they would have to deal with that later. My ex use to call and say he was going to do this or that. He never did anything. In fact prior to my son's 13th birthday, (we had already been divorced in excess of 10 years) he came to town for a quick visit, he asked for a ride back to the airport, but I had to take my son to school first. He of course was with us, before he said his good byes my son looked him straight in the eyes and said "Dad don't forget my Birthday". His father left town and never returned nor did he remember his 13th birthday. Later my son told me that when he was with his Dad, his father asked him not to tell his stepson that he was the father of my son.

My son has gone on to Graduate from High School with honors, he was awarded a 4 year scholarship to Wyoming and he has graduated and working full time. He also has 2 children of which he's very close. I've asked him from time to time to get in touch with his Father, and his response is he will when his daughter Graduates.

The day will come when they will meet face to face and it's not going to be pretty.

As a single mom I can tell you that it was not always easy because I had to do the extra things to take up the slack. I kept my boys involved in sports and any other activity that they were interested. We made a pack that we were not quitters. I have been to so many football, basketball, soccer, and track practices, games, etc., that I am a certified coach. (smile)

Ask God to guide you and to come into your home. Trust him and you're going to excel and your son is going to be taken care of.
G.

Hello--You've already gotten some good advice and I didn't go through them all, so forgive me if I'm repeating something that was said...

What I think would be a good idea is to get some positive male role models actively involved in his life. An uncle or a grandfather, any male family member that can do things with him would be good. Or even get him involved in a Big Brother or mentoring program. I think it would help for him to see that not all grown men act the same way, because it seems he may get a lot of his viewpoints on how men are to act from how this situation with his father is turning out. None of those people could never replace a father, but they can all teach him lessons on life and influence his upbringing in a positive way.

And also continue to keep a supportive and open relationship with him. I say this as a child of a single mother. My uncles and grandfather were great male role models for me. And my mother did a great job (if i do say so myself :) Its hard but just take it day by day and keep yourself wrapped in love.

Good luck!

Dear B., My heart goes out to your son for the sadness his immature and selfish father is causing. He's using him to get back at you and unfortunately that's all too common when a couple with children divorce. If he doesn't "grow a set" of his own soon, act like an adult, and consider what his actions are doing to his son, not having such a petty, self-serving and spiteful "fatherly" influence for your son might be better. Be supportive, loving and understanding to your sons feelings about this. Try to keep his free time filled with activities he enjoys and hopefully this will help keep his mind on positive things. The more you try to contact his father, letting him know how unhappy what he's doing is making you or his son is only fueling his determination to do so. On dads weekends that he's supposed to pick him up, don't pack your son, even in private, or have him get dressed to go anywhere. (kids sense things we don't realize)IF dad shows up, he can wait while the boy gets ready.
I would stop all methods of contacting or communicating with dad for a while. If he phones and you have caller ID, don't answer. Let him leave a few messages without any response. Same with text messages. A little while of him not being the one calling all the shots and being in control of when any communicating or visiting is done, will do him good and possibly, (hopefully) make him see this is not ALL about him.
And pray for him. My prayers are with you and your son. And for dad. That he will learn to put his childs feelings first see how much what he's doing is hurting everyone involved and step up to be the man and the father every child deserves. Good luck, God bless.

I feel you. I have been divorced for 7 years now and my 5 kids have not seen there father but maybe 10 times in those seven years. He does pay child support, but I think only because the AG takes it out of his check. I moved to Dallas 4 years ago and the times the kids saw him I had to drive more than half way to take them. (that is about 3 hrs away) He told me he would never travel to Dallas he does not like the traffic. I hurts and especially now because my 15 year old is old enough to understand but my 12 year old says things like I just want to talk to him. I do not even have a phone number for him. I called about a year and a half ago because my 15 year old had his number, his girlfriend answered and said she would give him a message to call me, she called me back about 10 minutes later telling me he did not want to talk to me, so I told her nevermind, well that is just what they did. He never called to see if anything was wrong with one of the kids. I really think my ex-husband only loved me, and I say that not in a selfish way but that is what it looks like. He always wanted to get back together if I talked to him once he made all these plans, once I told him to slow down he would get mad, hang up and not even talk to the kids. Most men are selfish and I think the only thing to do is not let that bring us down, because we have to be the growns ups and take care of the children God has sent to us. God always has a plan. He never gives us more than we can handle.

Lean on the scouts. The men and women who are leaders will step in and give your son the positive outlook on life he needs and wants. Make sure your den leader/cubmaster is aware of the situation and they will help as much as they can. As far as the dad thing, kids are smart and will figure it out. Your son will eventually stop asking and his father has the responsbility to chose if he wants to be a part of his sons life. Keep doing your best and stay positive and it will reflect in your son now and when he grows up. Hope this helps.

I am so sorry......first off I don't think Dr Laura would make any of the suggestions offered here.....I have been single with my kids for almost 15 years (they are 16 and almost 15).....their dad's rights were terminated and now he is deceased. I always told them life is about choices and that there father did not always make good ones.....that he loved them as much as he was able but to really love another person, you must first love yourself and he did not (selfishness and ego centric is not love), I never talked bad about him except facts as they were old enough to understand and after he passed and met with his niece who told them everything they were most appreciative........that said, tell him that dad's do not always make the best choices just like he doesn't only dad's are bigger and can really hurt....let him talk about his pain but not to excess (he needs to know he can tell you anything - agree only with his feelings and inject none of your own unless asked and then keep it short), keep a journal in case you need to go back to court.....hardest of all, do not argue with your ex about it, stay on point, stay mature......get your son back in counseling and yourself along with him........please write and tell me how you are doing.......

My heart breaks for you and your child as I went through this for 20 years.
Your son is 7, so he understands divorce means mom and dad don't live together. There are several explanations I used at different ages with the different kids.

a) sometimes dads (or moms) have hurt feelings because of the divorce. They could sit down and talk about it but they just don't want to right now because they are hurting so bad, he doesn't realize he is hurting you too.
Equate that with an action he has, like when dad doesn't pick him up) and he cries and doesn't want to be held or talk about it.

b) You know when you don't get a toy you want or to do what you want to do? Sometimes you get angry and don't want nothing and just go to your room. Sometimes big people act like that. Daddy loves you but he is angry or hurt right now and he is acting like that. He loves you and does not mean to hurt you.

I would put him back in counseling possibly with a different therapist. Family counseling with both you and your son. He is internalizing the loss and abandonment of his dad and blaming himself. Children do not perceive actions and events as we do. Some internalize that they aren't good enough; they are bad etc. You DO NOT want this to build up in his mind because the opposite of good is bad. If he is so bad that his dad doesn't love him and want to see him, then nobody can love him. That is what happens to so many divorced kids and the results are devastating.
Furthermore, do not contact in any way your husband to step up and be a dad. He is a jerk. He knows this is important to you and it hurts you so he will continue the behavior.
Let the new therapist contact him to try to include him in therapy when the new therapist feels it is ok.
One last communication...send a certified letter to your ex and tell him that due to the erratic visitation, if he does not text or email you 12 hours before visitation that he intends to exercise his rights as a parent that weekend,, then you will take that as he is not, therefore you will not be waiting to certainly disappoint and inflict more emotional hurt on the child.

Take your son to dinner at a restaurant. Make it a "party"
I don't know your financial situation, but an evening at olive garden or chinese food buffet, a restaurant with candles; big gooey desserts or sundaes etc. If sonic is what you can afford or cici's pizza then when you leave with the gooey dessert stop at the park and swing with him and slide and laugh.
One thing children remember is playing and laughing with parents. This also reinforces in a positive manner to your son, that he is loved and cherished by you. Go to the library and pick out books that you can read together. Cuddle close on the couch and read books and eat popcorn or make cookies to munch on while you read the book. Make those times a celebration of happiness that he is your little boy and how much you enjoy him in your life.
You may also want to start praising him using words like awesome. You are an awesome boy! when he does some little thing. Use praise often. telling him,"I am so lucky God blessed me with an awesome, (sweet, kind etc) little boy like you.
In the night when he is sleepwalking, hold him,talk in soothing tones and tell him how much you love him and you are sorry he is scared or an appropriate word at that time. He needs constant reassurance of your love and his worth.
The grandson I am raising had such bad nightmares but would not talk. I would hold him and reassure him until he quieted, then tell him how much I love him and am sorry he is hurt and having bad dreams. That I could not fix what happened because I am not magic, but I could love him and try to help him understand.
We are going thru some of these same issues as his poppa is gone for weeks at a time (now, instead of months) so my little guy internalizes the abandonment but now it is showing up as defiance and anger. He understands Poppa has to work, but why did Poppa leave his heart behind? Translation, why does he leave me behind?
It falls on me to provide as positive an atmosphere possible to create a stable secure base in which my little guy has self confidence in himself and know how special he is, even if everyone else does not know it. I did tell him how wonderful and special he is and that is why I give him so many hugs because one day he would be grown up and other people would know that too. That he would be too big to hold on my lap then but I would have those times when he was small in my heart forever. He sure liked the thought that in my heart he would always be my cuddly baby boy.
My prayers are with you. Keep in touch. Try to remember it took a year to get to this emotional place and you may not see results for 2-3 months maybe more. Seeds planted need time to germinate before they can grow.

At 14 my parents divorced and i had a father like that. But my dad was like that to me ALL my life...infact since birth! He told my mother when i was born and he found out they had a Girl that "I feel like my Son just died" and refused to hold me.

I had a baby two years ago and i was trying to reach my father to let him know that his first biological grandchild was born. 3 months ago I recieved a letter in the mail telling me that i am a horrible child but what hurt me was that there was no mention of my child even existed. For me it was the last straw. To me he is now DEAD!

32 years of heartache and i have had enough. i can take the pain, heartache and abuse...but he will not hurt my child.

The only advice I can give you is to tell you what is like first hand from the childs perspective.

My mother tried to get him to show me love, she told me he had a difficult childhood and hard a hard time expressing love, she made up all kinds of excuses for him. On my wedding day when he didnt show my mom tried to smooth it over for me. But people like that dont change! They are greedy, self absorbed and care nothing about anyone but themseves.

Talk to your son and tell him the truth about what is going on. He will appriciate your honesty. Tell him I know that it hurts and it is hard to understand but we cant change your father. That you love him and that will never change. That he will always be his father and you want him to always love him no matter what. That you would never keep him from seeing his father. And if he is ever hurting or wants to talk that you will always be there for him.

As for the father...dont push anything it only makes it worse. In order to get back at you he is taking it out on your son. He knows if he doenst pick him up that your son will get upset and in turn hurts you. I was my fathers way to get back at my mom. The worst pain in the world is to see your child hurt and he knows that.

Send him Fathers day cards, birthday cards and Christmas cards. To show that his son is still there and still loves his father. if he sends none in return dont worry about it...at least you can say that you did not keep your son from his father. The dad did it himself and regret it in the long run...we that is if he regrets it at all (mine didnt care).

I hope your situation doesnt get like mine.

I wish you the best!

B.,

I am kind of going through the same thing but we are not divorced not even seperated and I have a two year old. My husband is remodeling a lake house about 45 minutes away and stays up there about 6 nights a week. My two year old has started asking to see "Daddy". I feel bad for him but I just realized that I have to keep him occupied and be there for him as much as possible. Unfortunately I tend to give him to much trying to make up for his father's absense. I did make a decision this week and that is I am no longer going to make the effort for my husband to spend time with Kaleb. If he comes home great and if he doesn't I will just do something with Kaleb to distract him. I know it has to be harder on a 7 year old and its going to be an adjustment but just be there for him and let him know that he is number one in Mommy's life. I constantly tell Kaleb that I love him. It sounds like your ex is taking his resentment about the divorce out in what probably hurts you most and that is your son's happiness.
Best of luck.

M.

Your son is old enough for you to be able to tell him that his father doesn't come as often NOT because he doesn't love him, but because he has his own problems and doesn't know how to be a daddy. You really need to re-enforce to your son that this is not his problem - it's his daddy's. You are doing all the right things by trying to get him postive male role models and while you don't want to bash his dad, you do want him to know that what his dad is doing is wrong, but it is not your son's fault. Hopefully, the therapy should help with that. Unfortunately, there's not a single thing you can do to make his father care more and likely you're trying to may be contributing to the problem - the more you push, the more the father wants to stay away, since it seems it may be a continuing power struggle. Also, you don't mention grandparents. Are the father's parents nearby and are they as uncaring? If not, maybe encouraging them to spend more time with your son would help. He does need to spend time with those who love him.

You know I am a grown woman (a grandmother of 2 great children!) and still feel the void my biological father left in my heart and soul. My advice is from the child's point of view. Please don't talk negatively about his dad - always be supportive even if you have to fake it. You can say things like I'm sure your Dad wants to be with you but something must have come up that prevented his visit. Let's think of something fun that you and I can do right now. Please don't carry on in front of your child about his dad. The Lord brought my real DAD into my life when I was 11 and I had 3 other siblings! Can you imagine a man marrying a woman with 4 children aged 13, 11, 7 and 6 yrs? He never molested any of us and was not abusive in any way to us or our Mother. He LOVED us from the beginning. I am 57 now so he's been my Dad since 1961 - he went home to be with the Lord last July 23rd at the age of 82. Ask God to put a special Dad in your sons life - one that will be the father God wants your son to have. I am praying for you and your son. I think it's a tough situation but GOD IS TOUGHER! Hang in there. Be the Mom God created you to be to your precious son and let God handle the rest. Give your son as much structured time as possible and encouragement in every sincere way. Help him to find an area he enjoys and excels in at school or some other extracurricular activity. Give him as many opportunities as he wants and you can afford. You can do this - I know you can but only with God's help. God bless you and your son every day forever I pray in Jesus Name. Amen

Hello B.,

I am sorry to hear about what your son is going through. It breaks my heart to see how his life is being destroyed. This would never help his ADHD at all. I have a suggestion which is unlike that of the other people on this. I am also a dr. Laura listener and agree with what Erica saild. However i believe that this is the time for you to eat humble pie. Go to your ex and pretend that the divorce was all your fault and that he was right and you were wrong. Then treat him sweetly and the child will rip the benefits.
As nasty as he might be, treat him with kindness and he will be not so angry and more sweet to his own son. what a shame that someone will treat his own son this way.

A.

Is it possible for you to drop your son off at the father's house? Would he be there and take care of him if you did that? I wouldn't do it if you don't think he will even be there. But maybe if the father's issue is just showing up, you could "fix" that problem.

Other than that, I don't really have any suggestion for you because you can't "fix" the father. All you can do is the right things for your son. I'm a single mother and I just do it all with my son - the TBall and Soccer and going to friends and all of that. You just have to do the things that will make your son happy. And trust me - I know it is hard because you never get a break.

I really feel for you and your son, I cannot imagine having to go through all that.

I am a huge Dr. Laura listener, and I am going to tell you what she would say. You may not like the suggestion but here it goes anyway. Your son really needs a male role model in his life, and despite your best efforts male friends/family are not going to be enough on the weekends. Dr. Laura would suggest that you move back in with your parents (dad), possibly an uncle, brother, etc. I know that this would not be fun (AT ALL), and you may not need the financial help but stability wise it would be great for your son. He will be able to see what a real man does, how he loves his family, supports them (emotionally), take him to the park, play ball, etc.

I know that you are doing the best for your son, and believe me I am not saying anything bad I just feel like this one be something great for your son. On the other hand it is a huge sacrifice for you. It is a very tough situation, and I hope that everything works out for your guys. You seem like a really good mommy and a strong woman.

i would not worry about the father, let him be the jerk that he really is and just blow him off. let your son have more quality time with the positive male role models that he should be learning things from. until the father is ready to be a father he probably won't care much about his son because he's mad at you. it's just his way of taking it out on you. it's not fair to the child suffering but self-centered, bitter men don't care.

I am in a loving and devoted marriage, married to a man in the military.
I am a single mom 80% of any given year, and this works for us. My son is ADHD as well.
Now while the major componants of our story are the same, the key componant is missing in yours and that is LOVE!
If you take your son to a therapist and he is getting nothing out of it, get a new therapist! Is your lawyer aware of the infrequency of his visits that were more than likely mandated by the divorce decree? No man is going to replace his father, but steady, devoted guidance, maybe through the church, can help him know he is not to blame, and that he is still loved by many people. Please do not make your ex out to be a monster, he is doing a fine job of that on his own, and your son will admire your integrity in the end. Best of Luck with this painful situaion.

Hi. I am heartbroken at your situation. I feel very sad for your son. A dad is a strong symbol in a young man's life. I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son and I wish I had some helpful recommendations but I was just touched at the thought of what your little boy must be going through and I felt compelled to say a prayer for you and yours. I hope the dad comes around for the sake of your son. Stay strong.

I am really sorry for you and your son. The reality is that the ex-husband seems to be truly careless and selfish. I can see why you needed to divorce him. I had similar issues with my daughter's father and it tears the children up. The best thing I can suggest is to reinforce that the ex is NOT mad or unhappy with your son. My daughter spent years wondering why she wasn't good enough for her Dad to pick her up or call. She is now 14 and realizes he is worthless and that it is not her. Ironically, now he wants to see her and she doesn't want to see him. I don't blame her a bit!

You might want to go to therapy or talk with a professional a couple of times to get some tools/tips on the things you should say to your son to help protect him from the pain that his Dad is inflicting on him.

Good Luck!

By all means, I am not a therapist or a counselor but as another woman with children, my advice would be to stop arranging these meetings with his father until he can step up to the plate and be a good/willing father. It seems as though the stress of him not showing up is harder on your son than anyone else. There are plenty of good boys out there that are raised by single mothers. Just because he has a father doesn't mean he has to be part of your son's life. Especially if he is causing more harm than good. If he is saying those kinds of things to you, I would be worried about what he may be saying to your son when they are together.
You need to live in the present moment with your son, enjoy YOUR time with him and leave his father out to deal with his own issues. You and your son will be just fine. Just stay stong, love your son and enjoy your time with him. Dont be stressed about anything else or allow your thoughts to be be anywhere but in the moment with your son.
You alone can give him a loving, caring, safe home. Protect him from those who create stress for him or insecurity.
Good luck and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

You have a lot of great advice here. I agree on getting your son back into therapy. Establishing a safe place where he can get his feelings out during play therapy is a terrific thing and will be helpful for his entire life. My son went to therapy when he was 6 and 7 due to a lot of family stress, death of a grandparent, father traveling extensively etc etc.
He is 11 now and recently asked to go back ( to the same therapist) to discuss some things that were bothering him. To have this resource as he enters his pre teen years is something I am extremely grateful for.

It would be helpful to create situations where he can increase his self esteem. Put him in a martial art like Tae Kwo Do. It is an excellent self confidence builder and the role models there are wonderful. Email me privately if you'd like to know where we go, it's wonderful.

Any type of positive reinforcement, accomplishment and sense of achievement will help overcome a lot of what is going on at night. I'd also keep him very physically busy, it is a scientific fact that physical exercise reduces stress. Both of you get on your bikes and bike to the park after work/school each day. Take that 20 or 30 minutes to clear your heads and get physical. Jump on the trampoline with him. Have some physical fun. It will help wear him out, help him sleep better and feel better.

Do you have a dog? If you don't and are up for getting one, that can be a great self confidence builder, feeding, walking, caring for a dog are all things every child should experience. It's a lot of work but the unconditional love of an animal is a wonderful thing for any human being, regardless of age. This would be yet another physical activity that you guys can do together.

Back up plans are essential. Always have something planned, a movie, an outing, a bike ride. Dad showing up or not showing up should never be a "loaded" situation. I would never have your son "expect" him. If he shows, great, if he does not, great, there will be a ton of fun stuff to do with Mom.

You can explain that Dad's job has become complicated and he never knows when he is going to be free. "Sometimes Daddy cannot get away, even on a weekend and it is no reflection on his love for your ". It won't help to portray dad in a bad light ( even if he is a jerk) as boys will identify with their dads and worry "will I be like that to my kids". So couch everything in a positive light and it will all work out better for your child.

Before you know it your son will be old enough to make his own decisions and if your ex continues to act like a moron, he won't have a son. Have faith, you are doing a great job and you will continue to make the right choices for your child.

There is no excuse for Dad and he will have to suffer the consequences of not having a relationship with his son.

I'm sure your title means to say your sond father instead of your fathers son....but I can relate soooo much and my heart goes out to you. I went through the exact same thing many, mnay yrs. ago.(My son is now 49! The best to do is not worry and just love him all the more. What I did and it sounds loke you are into this already, is get him involved with as many men as posible. I certainly DON"Y mean boyfriends of yours...I mean like the Big Brothers assn. boyscouts, relatives. Always let him at least believe his father DOES love him he's just 'busy'.
He will be ok. Mine is.
God Bless you and always ask His advice....He will respond.

Both the child and you are better off without this jerk. My grandsons father is a real piece of work also....about 6 weeks ago when he was taking my grandson over to his live in girlfriends he took my grandson and his step fathers bike...without asking the step dad i might add.... that night he started a huge fight with my daughter over the phone and got my grandson all upset...after which he went on to tell lies about my daughter cheating on h im when it was always the other way around...funny thing is he showed up at my grandsons baseball game with another girl "Jessie"...from mississippi who he was messing behind the other girls back and told my grandson "don't ever tell Danielle"...he did this more than once....my grandson decided he wants to take a break from him as he said he owes his mother and him an apology...which by the way he refuses to do, he is too cool to apologize and says he didn't do anything wrong....can you imagine "cheating in front of his son and then telling him to lie"...he is a state of the art dad....believe me you are not alone and maybe hearing stories of other "wonderful dads" might make you feel better....your son as well as my grandson are better off and they have all the love they need...you are a good mother in the way you are trying to cover for that jerk...congrats to you and when your son turns 12, he too may see the light like ours did...my grandson called him tonight after his step father made him by saying "don't be a jerk like he is being"....i don't think that a 12 year old should have had to call and ask for something to be brought back after he clearly stated to his dad he didn't want to be bothered...."holding your sons bike for ransom, the ransom being he has to call his dad"...by the way this guy makes decent money and doesn't pay a cent for his son but he feels he has rights....ewwwwwwwww he raises my blood pressure...

When my children lost their dad due to a auto accident, my 7 year old sleep walked and also started to p on the floor once, thinking he was in the bathroom I'm sure, I just gently walked him in there.
And the sleepwalking I would soothing-ly talke to him and if he was glassy eyed and talking gibberish, I'd wash his face with a warm cloth, It didn't happen very long and he was o.k. As for the father, I think I'd say something like, (I'm sure your father loves you , but he has a lot going on in his life right now, so I'm sorry he isn't being "there for you") but we will do fine, and just enjoy the times you do have, as some kids don't have a father to see at all. For your childs sake you have to be (nice) but I'd be so mad at his dad I'd hate for him to see him, but of course a person has to think of the child, not their emotions, but it is quite clear your ex isn't thinking about the child, that he is selfish, and sounds like he is getting back at you instead of thinkig of his son. how sad.

Oh B.. This breaks my heart and I see it too often as a divorce attorney. You are not going to be able to control that dumb daddy so you will have to work on handling both your and your child's response. There are a lot of wonderful professionals who will talk with you on how to handle this with your son until and if daddy ever gets a clue. I would consult with a professional who deals with divorce issues yourself to get some ideas and support. Please email or call me if you want some referrals to professionals who can help. J. D.

I haven't read any responses so hope I'm not repeating one...I just recently heard about a similar (in some ways) situation on Dr. Laura and she pointed out that the child shouldn't be made to go to therapy alone. That gives the impression that he is the problem or the one w/the problem when in reality it's the parents' problem that was put upon him. I'd just never thought of it in that way and thought I'd share. I'm guessing by what you've said the "father" wouldn't go into therapy, but ideally, family therapy would be much more helpful for your son than just therapy on his own. It's amazing how much an impact a father has on his son and hopefully he'll realize that sooner than later. Maybe he just doesn't understand his importance? Maybe his (your ex-husband)father could give him a good kick in the **s and help him to understand? or some other man he may look up to? Anyway, can't imagine watching my boys go through that. I'm sorry and hope you get some helpful advice!

I'm sorry your ex is doing this to you both. It sounds like he wants to punish you and he doesn't care who he hurts in the process. Kids really do understand more than you think I went through the same thing and my 2 brothers. My Mom was honest with us and we knew that he was hurting and couldn't see past himself to take care of us (in different words). Counseling is great, but you need a plan to do something when the time of pick up has passed. You can keep emailing your ex, but be as nice as possible and let him know that your son will always (I'm 34 and still do) remember how he is acting and treating him. Kids do forgive, but never forget. Is this the kind of parent he wants to be remembered as and you only wanted to not be married to him for what ever reason and he did not divorce your son. If he "finds out" that your not going to let it hurt you anymore he might get over the divorce. Maybe you should see how he feels about signing over custody? just maybe? My Mom, no matter how bad my Dad acted, always told us that we would always love our Dad but we may not like his action. He was never put down, and we would remember the good time, and she would tell us that he was sick on the inside and when you can't see what's hurting you you can't fix it and that cause Dad to be bitter (feel free to use your wording). I am truly sorry, and I know what your going through. Have some people to call on the days that your son doesn't get picked up or a special thing to do and keep up the counseling. I wish you the best, and remember to try the best you can to be nice to your ex no matter what he does. He is apart of your son and if you put him down and or argue your son feels it more and it will hurt your son more than you know.

L B., If I may, please allow me to share from the heart. Sometimes we dont give children the credit they deserve. I am certain that you son, is very aware of what is going on. He may not know how to lable it, but he can see, and hear and has a heart that will break. It is understandable that at any age divorce is tramua to all involved, Especiall the children because they do not understand why we stop lving each other when they still love both parents. It is crutial at this time that you talk with him on a level that he can understand and tell him exactly what is going on, because that wll leave no room for little mind to wander I have info on ADHA that is crucial for you I need to e-mail it to you if you will allow me to do so it is testimonies from other mothers I dont know how to insert it into this e-mail. My email is ____@____.com if you want the information. I am positive it will be a blessing to you. I am praying for you and your son.

Please consider play therapy for your son. There are many private therapists and agencies that provide play therapy. Look for a registered play therapist if possible. If you live in the Denton area, contact the University of North Texas. They have a reknowned play therapy dept.