My Step-daughter

Hi, I understand your problem, I used to take care of foster kids that were teens. You can't say bad things about the birth mom and yet you'd kind of like to. I always told the kids that their mom did the best she could with what she had to work with. Then listen. At your house it's good to insist she goes by your rules. At her mom's house you dont' have any say. I also have step kids too and adopted kids (I have a lot of kids, and grandkids) Try to never yell. When you yell, you lose, period. Reasoning is often difficult but when you talk in a calming voice - firm but not yelling you will do better. Be a good listener. Good luck.

I would refer these types of questions to her father. I do not believe as a step parent who was not there when the seperation occured (I guess I am assuming) that you do not have first hand knowledge and are not an appropriate source to answer the question. As I side note I don't 7 is to young for kids to know the truth they know when you are hiding things or lying. There are ways to explain everything on their level.

On the emotional issues some of them could be the new transistion and maybe some counciling would help. Another thing you might looking to is early onset of puburity.(sp)

Most of all, victims of divorce like your step-daughter need to know they are LOVED. It's never wise to talk about the birth parent in any manner. Just be sure she knows the rules when she's in your house. I had 2 kids & my husband had 2, then we had 1 child. Our child together was & is the happiest, most normal young adult now & part of his success comes from having his natural parents with him until he was grown. Kids always want their "REAL" parents to raise them & it's extremely hard for them to balance their love & respect for 2 sets of parents. If they love the step-parent, they feel it's disrespecting & even disowning the birth parent. I agree that you tell the child that her mother did the best she could & ALWAYS hug her & TELL her that she is loved. Try to remain silent about her mother's issues, but be sure she understands the atmosphere in your home is constant & unwavering. Most of all, children of divorce require love & the knowledge that they are safe - "people in this home never change." It's normal for your step-daughter to cry & not listen - they are usually extremely angry over their situation. They blame themselves for their birth parents divorce. It will take patience, lots of hugs & words of affirmation & encouragement. Just remember - you can't ever take the birth mother's place, but you can be the best step-mother on the planet! Be encouraged!

When it comes to anybody, kids and adults, you can't change THEM. You can only change yourself. Given enough time, those around you will respond to your altered behavior. An immensely wise woman once convinced me that there are only two motivators: love and fear. Check yourself at every re/action to make sure you're acting in love, as that's always the best route. Not everything is within your control, but YOUR behavior is.

"I'm sure your mother is doing the very best she can to be a good mom, she just needs practice." "I'm sure your mother loves you very much. I know I do." "Look how wonderful you are; you surely got some of that from your mom." Etc. Plus, find nice things to say about the mother, things your daughter can repeat to her. It will serve you all well in the long run.

Compared to your 2 yr old and your 7 mo old the 7 yr old looks BIG. But she's not. Seven is very young, very tender. She's not equipped to handle all the tension and, on some level, she wonders why her mother abandoned her, wonders if it's a flaw within herself. Of course it isn't, and she needs to believe she's wonderful so as to live as though she is.

Act with love, always. Good luck.

I am also a step-mother, my (son) (maybe not by blood but in my heart) use to tell me about things his mom told him about his Dad, and I knew they were lies to make her look better. I would talk to my husband about what he would tell me and he would sit him down and lay things on the line from his point of view. Patience is the best word to describe what you have to have. Just let her know that lies will not be tolerated......I don't know what your relationship is like with the other mother if you all can talk and catch her in her lies, catch her now before the lies go to far and put a stop to them. If you don't you will regret it. You will always look at her and wonder if what she tells you in the truth or a lie.. Never treat her other than your own child. And keep showing her the Love and support.. She will learn in time who really is the Good parents her..

Take her to a counselor!! At age 7 it is difficult to deal with mom coming back into the picture and trying to navigate through the he said she said...She needs someone neutral to talk to so she knows all the feelings she has right now are healthy...and give her ways to deal with those feelings in a healthy manner. IF the counselor thinks she needs to hear why her mom walked away then he/she will let you know then you AND dad can do that in a structured, safe environment. Best of LUCK!!

It's not your place to do it alone...your husband need to play a role in that so that NOTHING you say will be misinterpeted. Sound's like to me the "other mother" because you are her mother is creating problems that neither you nor your husband "KNOWS" what she's saying/ doing because your not around. It may be a good idea to sit down with her (the three of you) & share your concerns, a plan & try to raise her together. Sounds like someone has not let go or grown up yet. Good luck to you & God Blesss!

I understand where you are coming from. Except my daughter lives me and her father is mia. We don't talk much about him and she doesn't ask. But her moods are the same as you mention above. I truly want to believe that it is just something little girls go through. I am not sure. My little girl thinks she knows it all, and always want to argue about it. Actually the other day she asked me why i scream at her sometimes. I explained you don't listen when i say it in small tone, so i have to get loud so you will listen. Her feelings get hurt over the littlest thing. I tell her she should not take things so personal. Sometimes i just let her work it out herself. I am not sure if this is good advise but i guess i just wanted to know it not you. It just girls at 7 years old and the additudes that comes with them.

I also have a blended family and know the challenges it can bring. When my husband first became involved in my Daughters life it made her visits with her father extremely stressful. She would come home and cry for an hour sometimes longer. I think that becuse I am my Daughters security that she would just break down to me afterworking so hard to keep it all together at her Dad's. Your step-daughter is probably reacting to the stress of change. I found that although my Daughter loves and enjoys her step-father very much it was hard because it showed her all of her real Dad's flaws. She started to feel guilty for liking her step-dad more. Any time I would be talking about my new husband she would always say " My dad is a good man too". I think it's just important to let her know how lucky she is to have all of these people in her life that want to spend time with her and that it's okay to love them all. Additionally I tell her that you are willing to listen, but just because she is upset it does not give her the right to be ugly. Remind her that she still has rules when she is at home and that her Mother's rules might be different. She will learn what is expected of her and where. Remeber kids need boundries set and sometimes they are going to bounce up against them. I would not let her talk bad about her mother and I think it's okay to let her know that it hurts when she talks bad about you. With a little time and paitence it will pass. You might also reassure her that it is okay with you that she sees her Mom.

She is obviously trying to see how much she can get away with. The best thing to do is to be consistant with her from BOTH sides and communicate with the mother. I know that might sound easy coming from someone who is not in the situation but I have witnessed good and bad situations with step parents and it seems that the only thing that works in consistancy and communication. Also make sure that her feelings are validated, children (especially girls) get very emotional around this age and do not always know how to handle thier emotions. I hope this helps a little! E.

Give her all the suport you can and make her feel she is a part of the both of you two mothers
joann from seneca

Hello,
I'm a mother of two four year old adopted boys and a teenager that came with alot of baggage, so dealing with issues are always a thing I'm having to face on a day to day basis.
Even though my situation is not identical to yours, I can tell you this. What she is probably craving is some one on one time with you. She needs to feel like she's the only one. Maybe a special mother daughter day for you two. Go out to breakfast and then go shopping and then maybe a manicure together. and then lunch at Josephines tea room. She will so bond with you in a more positive way. At seven she needs to feel connected with one of you moms, and because your with her father, I believe that it's so important for you to be the one she sets up a very good relationship with. It's going to be so crucial for your relationship in the long run for you to start forming that bond now. Don't let it stop with going out just one day either. Have some alone time with her after you put the babies down to bed. Give her some special mommy and daughter time. Start earning her trust, I'm sure that earning her love and respect will come if you spend quality time with her. Make this appoint a few times a week to just be with her even if your exhausted.
Hope this helps.
J.