My Step Kid's Mom Doesn't Want Me to Talk to Them

I usually side with the bio-moms (I'm a bio mom myself) but you sound like a wonderful step-mom! You make the girls feel comfortable and wanted - a very nice gift to children who might otherwise feel "competitive" for dad's attention.

I agree with another mom that you might want to dial back the effusive giving. Otherwise I don't think she can "restrain" you from communicating with the girls when they are over with their dad. Just keep it all neutral, and loving, and let the rest go.

I'm a stepmom to 2 girls, and my husband's ex was very jealous and insecure.

I would recommend that you be a little less effusive in showering the girls with too much - the extra room is fine, but go easy on the car. If Mom is trying to discipline them and you come off as the party person always giving them extras, it undermines her even though you don't mean to do so. If she grounds them for not doing their homework, and you reward them with a car (without knowing they are grounded), then you are the bad guy.

If you are building a beautiful new house, Mom may be worried you are trying to lure the girls away from her. They can come ANYTIME, you say, but their mom has a right to weekends as well. So you cannot appear to be urging them to bail out on Mom's rules in order to find a retreat with you.

You must take the high road and not respond to the badmouthing. I don't know how you know what she says about you to the kids - but do not engage in conversations about that with them. Other people are pretty used to exes not liking the new wife, and they will ignore it if you show the world the person you are.

We stepmoms can be great people, but we can be guilty of trying to hard to make everyone happy. We need to let the parents be parents, no matter how badly they might be doing it!

You also need to be sure that your 2 kids don't think you are going overboard with the other 2.

The longer you are married, the more confident you will get in this. They will love you and come to you as adults if you honor their mother and don't worry about trying to please her or get her to like you. She probably never will. That doesn't mean she is right. It just means that's how it is.

She cannot keep you from talking to them when they are with you, but you should not be calling them at her home. Let your husband handle that. Make them feel welcome, but always show respect for their mother. Be the person you want them to see, but don't throw it in their faces about how wonderful you are. They will see it. You don't have to prove anything to them. Just make it an enjoyable weekend without appearing to spoil them too much.

Blended families are not easy. When my step-daughter was small her mother was not my biggest fan. There was one strange moment of a normal, almost friendly, conversation between us (the day i was diagnosed with cancer) where she admitted to being very jealous of me and i assured her that i was not trying to take her spot as "mom" but that i loved her daughter. I don't know if that conversation helped but i think it did... its been 10 years now and, we're not best buddies, but its become more civil.

She shouldn't be able to legally restrain you from them, especially since you are married to their father and sounds like you provide a wonderful, stable, loving home. The worst she can do is continue her bad-mouthing to your step-daughters and put thoughts in their heads against you. But they are older and it seems like you are giving them no reason to question your love and relationship with them.
The most important thing is to never bad-mouth their mother, and even better - find nice things to say to them about her, and say them genuinely. Not always easy, but it definitely teaches the kids by example that the right way to respond is not revenge or retaliation. And forcing yourself to do this can also change your mindset too. You can only control your actions, not hers... and the girls opinions of you will be strongly shaped by how loving, strong & calm you are about everything, that will hopefully override any negative things their mother puts out there!

I'm sure it would be very hard to "share" my own children with an ex and his new wife, and to have another woman who is a motherly influence that i'd have no control over. But it drives me crazy when a mom doesn't appreciate the fact that, in a crappy broken family situation, the children ended up with a step-mom who actually loves them instead of a nasty mean step-mom who could care less.
Good luck and just keep smiling and loving those girls :) They know what's going on, or if they don't see it now, they will.

sounds like you are doing the right thing. You can't control their mother and since the girls are old enough they can see for themselves what's going on. Keep doing what you're doing and never bash their mother as tempting as it might be because she's not being nice. Be a positvie and supportive role model when they do come to your house. Make sure your DH is aware of the situation. It is his place to discuss their mother with them not you. I know it's hard but she has the issues not you!! Hang in there.

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I think you've been offered some excellent suggestions here. Having been the step-mom, I TOTALLY get it! I agree that some aspect of jealousy and resentment are at play.

I'd offer another perspective, having raised step- and bio-daughters. My guess is that the daughters on occasion use you when in battle with their mom. They're adolescents so OF COURSE they battle with their mom! Probably stuff is said about how you would never _______ or you would always _____ (fill in the blank) or how much more fun it is at your house. As you have a loving relationship with them and probably don't get as much of the day-to-day junk that goes along with teenagers, of course it's more fun and easier! This builds up resentment in the mom (she gets the drudgery, you get the fun kind of thing). Whether it's accurate or not doesn't much matter. And I don't think there's much you can do about it, except support the mom when you talk with the girls wherever possible.

We often hear about the ugly stepmother. What doesn't get as much airtime is the way kids create the fairy stepmother as a weapon -- even when they don't intend it as such.

Patience. It will be OK. As time passes and she gets to know you better and determines that you are not a threat, things will be easier. Work hard to be her ally where you can (but without compromising your own values) -- it will help the kids in the long run

Your stepchildren are old enough to see mom for what she is....they will see the truth eventually. Make sure they know they are welcome.

What mother wouldn't want her kids to know & love their dad and you're "there" so....what a bad reflection on her as a person AND as a parent.

Perhaps your husband needs to talk to her and tell her that his children are welcome in his home ANYTIME!

She can tell them not to talk to you. She can try to keep them from seeing their father. But I think what she's doing is out of anger toward him and you could be anybody. It's not YOU, it's your PLACE. I also think she might be angry that you're building a house if she doesn't have a home she likes. She might also be unhappy if her ex is married and she is not.

I would not communicate with her. I would talk to your husband and leave all communication between them, and only what's necessary for the sake of the children.

Since you have a good relationship with them and have since they were 13, I would just keep being you. If they need to talk with someone about their mom, DH should be willing to do so. It's also good, if she never liked you, that you DO have a relationship with the girls. It shows they have their own minds.

I would not play to her level. I wouldn't grovel or apologize for GASP! Liking her kids! Wanting them to be happy in their father's home (which just happens to also be yours). You're not wrong.

The first years can be hard. Hang in there and focus on your family and what's in your immediate control and not what she's doing.

Are bribing your stepdaughters? What is with the"they can come anytime"-
do you have agreements for what time they are w/ y'all, and with their mother?
You have over stepped your boundary, and stepped on her toes. A car w/ gas- did you ask thier mom if that was ok?
Frankly I would not like you either. They are teens, and don't need to be pawns. Back off.
And I am a step mom, so this is not because I am looking at this fr her point of view.
From what YOU have said It sounds like you are after her girls. Really- back off.
Best, k

J.,
As long as your husband has visitation rights, she can't stop you from seeing/speaking to her children. Yeah, for you, for being there for them. She can say whatever she wants , but, obviously it didn't mean anything to the two girls or things would be different. Sounds like their Mom is jealous of your relationship with them or wishes she was still with your husband. She can't control you, so don't let her. These two girls have seen for themselves what sort of person you are, they may even resent their Mom for her opinion of you. Hubby should say something to her if she tries to step over the line, and he should probably have a heart to heart with his girls ,discussing Mom's behavior and reinforcing the unacceptable behavior she displays. Keep doing what you are doing ! It's the right thing to do ! C. S.

J., all I got to say, that she's still acting like this after fourteen years, she still in regret of a great lost, she realize what she lost and that it'll never be hers again. She treats you like that because you have reaped the harvest of her lost. Continue to be be nice, and remember , what ever happens through the course of the day , when the curtains close and the lights go out. He's home with you. Therefore there is no need to compete, you already won.

Sounds like someone is upset that you seem to have a better relationship with her kids than she does.