My Sweet Baby No More.

Oh, I have so been in your shoes - and it's not over yet...
It was like someone had flipped a switch on my baby's first B-day and turned her into a toddler, with the tantrums and everything that comes with it.

I just try to take it in stride. We also deal with the clinginess, but I just simply wear her in my ergo if she wants to be held - that frees both of my hands to do what I need to get done. That said, she is in daycare full time, so the little time we spend together I really don't want to deny her that closeness.
Now at almost 20 months I have also started to explain to her if I just need to put her down for a short moment - and ususally will be fine. Sometimes I give her something to occupy herself as well.

In a full-blown meltdown I either hold her, or if she does not want to be held, I sit her down by herself, explain that she needs to calm down before I will pay attention to her again.
I do NOT leave the room and leave her to "cry it out" (we have never done that) but I will also not go back to her until she calms down. After she is calm I will go and hug her, and tell her that it's ok to be upset, but that right now she can't have what she wanted and we will do something else instead (or we do it tomorrow - whatever applies)

At this point these strategies are working very well, and she will ususally calm down within a few minutes. I do not expect the tantrums to ease for at least another year or so, after all it is just a normal phase of their development.

As I think everyone, I do lose my cool every once in a while, especially when I need to finish something or when I am tired from work, and speak to her louder or stronger than I intended. It happens... but I really try to remind myself when encountering these situations that A. she does not do this to annoy me, but because she hasn't learned yet how to handle her feelings - and B. that I am the adult and there is no reason for ME to be upset too.

Try to consciously enjoy the beautiful moments at this age and try to remember them during a tantrum.

Good luck!

You have not made a mistake by being so responsive. You are being respectful and kind. She is right on time to go through her separation anxiety phase:)Be reassuring and patient. She has just realized that you truly could disappear into the world,that people do exist outside of her presence, and she is dealing with that fear:)Again, be reassuring and patient. Respectful, kind interactions will build her trust level on the issue, and she will adapt to her new found knowledge of the world. She is still your angelic 14 month old can-do-no-wrong baby girl, but she is just scared of the world concept right now, it will pass soon if you remain kind and respectful of her fears. I say enjoy being needed! In just two short years she will prefer the company of her peers over you:)(Although the separation anxiety should calm out in a month or two)

I haven't read your other responses so I am not sure if I am being redundant or not. I apologize if you have gotten this answer already. My daughter (now 6) threw one tantrum at the age of 20 months. We had just adopted her from China at 18 months. Anyway I was at the gym reading while my husband worked out. We had to take turns because we couldn't leave her with the daycare. Anyway, she wanted my book and I didn't let her have it. She persisited and I told her no. Finally, she grabbed it and ran off. I followed to the book, told her no and she threw a tantrum to beat all tantrums right in the middle of the lobby at a high class athletic club. I sat down, read my book and ignored her. She threw her fit and finally realized that I wasn't going to give in. Eventually she stopped crying, got up and played with her toy. I was embarassed until several people in the lobby praised me for being strong with her and not giving in. This was her LAST tantrum. You can't give in unless they are hurting themselves and don't be embarassed if she is throwing a fit in public. Most people can handle listening to a child throw a fit for a few minutes but would roll their eyes if they see a child spoiled.

Peg and Ina have described this age very well. Your girl is still more of a baby than a child. She needs you. I've found over the years that when a baby or even a child clings it's because they need to be close. So don't use the cry it out method. The more attention you pay to her need to be close to you at this age the more independent she'll be when she's older because she will have developed trust in you being there when she needs you.

Parenting is surely one of the most challenging (and important!) jobs in creation. Even when we know we've "signed on" for all the challenges, and even when we know "in theory" what to expect, the reality can be a shock.

But your sweet baby is still your sweet baby. She is innocently doing her best. Her emotional needs are changing as she becomes more able to interact with the world, but they are still her needs, and they are still valid. She's learning, much to her frustration, that she's not the center of the universe. It takes time, and calm acceptance from you, and patience, and repetitive coaching, to guide her through this. There will be steep slopes of learning that she has to conquer, and there will be gentle plateaus that will give you both a chance to catch your breath before the next climb.

As a mom and granny of a couple of delightful human beings, I strongly believe in the importance of looking at a situation from the child's point of view. Life is more frustrating, confusing, and sometimes even lonely for a child than we can imagine, unless we take the time (and maybe get the coaching) to find out. So I've been educating myself my whole life on the topic of what children need for the best emotional health and success at the job of being human.

There are so many terrific resources, including dozens of books that you can read on your own schedule, to inspire and support parents. I recommend Love and Logic, and I'm also deeply impressed by Alfie Kohn's approach in Inconditional Parenting. Google his name to see a couple of YouTube videos, or find him here http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.html

There are also some fabulous videos to coach you at http://www.naomialdort.com/lectures.html . I have been reading and applying Naomi Aldort's advice for several years working with young children in my religious community, and have been a better parent and grandparent for it.

Courage, mommy! You can do this.

I heartily second that you have NOT made a mistake by being responsive. It not only builds a huge foundation of trust between you, but it's a phenomonal teaching tool as they age (no whining, no throwing fits, being polite, sharing, asking nicely, thinking of others...she'll whine and throw fits, and you'll laugh and smile and say that you'd LOVE to help her put her shirt on/play "x" game/give her icecream....BUT that she has to ask nicely first. That when you whine you don't get what you want). Note I said older, but it's something that you can start doing now.

What we did, was a combo of the above AND, made use of the fact that kids are wired to be the worlds most perfect mimics. I always regretted that i didn't have anything useful to be showing my son how to do (comparatively speaking to hundreds of years ago)...but i DID use that time as teaching time.

If he was clingy, he HELPED. (I too did the one handed thing for about a month when the lightbulb went on.)

The floor was clean, so the laundry went on the carpet and we folded together, or sorted dirty clothes. He learned all of his colors that way. He helped my break eggs to make scrambled eggs (be prepared to pick bits of shell out, and give up on sunny side up for awhile). He helped me measure, pour, & stir in the kitchen. He got the mail out of the mailbox, put shoes where they belonged, and his FAVORITE...he windexed like nobody's buisness (windows, cupboards, etc.)

No. They do NOT do a good job at any of these things. And YES it takes waaaaaaay longer with "help". But you grin, and congratulate them like they've just graduated from college, for every little thing. And so what if only one 6 inch square of the cabinet got windexed? It's 6 inches you didn't have to do (try and "redo" their works as little as possible)...and it's more then you could have done one handed.

Kids reeeeeeally want to learn at this age. They want to be doing what you're doing. it's instinctual. For thousands of year wee ones were making baskets/tools/feeding babies/stoking the fire/working on the farm/sewing...whatever it is that their parent did. So take advantage of that. Use it up to the hilt. She'll undoubtedly have her favorites, whether it's helping to cook/shop/mop/wipe up/put stuff away/windex/dust/unload the dishwasher/load the dishwasher. There will come a time when you head into the kitchen and she doesn't WANT to stir the eggs...she wants to do her favorite "work" in the kitchen. Even if she's already done it 10 times that day.

You've already built up a lot of trust in you...time to build some trust in her.

________________

Now...major meltdowns were instant timeouts in our family (also in our families, timeouts aren't punishments, but a time to regain you cool & start over, which we've made plain from the get go). Whining got "Why I'd LOVE to pick you up, but not when you're asking like that. When you whine you don't get what you want." or "Yes! You can absolutely have a popsicle, but only after you can ask nicely and after you (pick up your socks/eat your lunch/etc etc etc).

I wouldn't personally let her cry it out, unless she was in her crib on time out. In which case, that ends up turning into anotjer major (& time consuming) teaching tool.

Also remember, if you're about to lose it, SEND YOURSELF on timeout. You can even tell her "Mummy is about to lose her temper and needs to go on timeout. YOU'RE NOT on timeout, but mummy is, so I need you to play in your crib,

When you're not frustrated with her and battling, what do your instincts tell you? If they tell you to let her cry, then do. If they tell you that's not the right approach, then don't. I personally am not a cry it out person. My daughter is nearly 2 and responds very well to talking. She is very verbal and talks to us telling us what the problem is so we can either explain it (she might not always understand), or so we can solve it. Sometimes niether can happen, but just us talking to her and telling her that we know she's upset and giving her a hug is all she needs. She doesn't tend to have tantrums, but she does get upset and frustrated about things. I know she's a small child, but she really responds when we respect her and talk to her with love and respect. We've never baby talked to her. You might try watching the happiest toddler dvd. You can probably check it out from the library. I found that watching the examples and techniques helped me more than reading them.

Hi N.-
My little guy (now 2 years old) has gone through several stages of separation anxiety. I completely agree with the moms who said that at 14 months, she still needs you to respond to her need to be held. Taking some time to hold and cuddle is a good thing, and if you do have to get some stuff done around the house, using an ergo or other carrier works great.

One other thought... if she's having tantrums not related to separation anxiety, she may be frustrated about not being able to communicate with you. At 14 months we taught our little guys some signs and that seemed to help him.

best of luck!

hi N.,..
you have some wonderful responses already so I'll just add something I thought of while browsing them.

first,. I've so been there too.. so I completely understand.

In a nutshell, my MY additional advice is to BE CONSISTENT; then confident and comforting.

take a few moments and define for yourself what kind of actions you would like to take in advance .. kind of a List you can make for yourself to help guide you when one of these moments arise while you are already in the middle of doing something else and perhaps tired or busy.

Doing this will help keep your response consistent.. or rather your reaction to what the tanturm is about consistent.

* if You give into a treat or other demand one day and then not the next - your daughter may not understand. I'm not anti sweets for ex. - but I have a firm no. (so this is where I have to pause and decide if what i'm saying no to is a big deal at this moment.)
* give yourself a pause before you start a chore which she is not involved in to 'check' your list and make sure you aren't missing some part of that chore which she feels is in her routine.. which could cause the meltdown.
* Before you go shopping or out - give yourself and idea of what you'll do if/when. I always got a loaf of bread pretty much at the beginning of my trip and my kids could have some while I shopped. when we go to the park,. I tell them how long we'll likely be there and what I had in mind to do that day.
* Decide in advance of new actitivies and plans what part you are willing to let her do and not do... because kids like to 'do' the same things over again & again...

good luck.. you know it's only a few times when you have to finish up this or that and all the others you are all hers.. don't feel guilty..

all the best,
marg.

For a 14 month old, the world is changing so much, and she is learning so much. She is understandably very timid and insecure about her world. The more you push her away, the more insecure she will feel. The best way to manage is to find a compromise. Be there for her to offer comfort and support when she needs you without giving her more than she needs or rescuing her before she asks for it. Eventually, the comfort you provide her will extend to when you are not there, and she will get the courage to be independent. Forcing it will only get the opposite result.

First I have to tell you, don't question what you have done up to this point, you sound like a great mom and went with your instincts. Now your instincts are telling you it's time to try something new. She is crying because the routine needs to change and she just needs comfort and reassurance that mom will still be there. I have a very stubborn, willful 18 month old daughter who does the same thing. I am 9 mos pregnant and I just can't hold her all the time, so we have started with little steps. I usually ask her can you "hold my hand" and then that gives her an option to walk with me and still be touching, and then lots of praise. Same with walking up/down stairs..can you try this with mom helping you? Distraction is great too, can you give her something to do while you finish something? Or sing songs while you fold laundry? Easing her into mom not holding her will help give her the security and the reaassurance she can do things on her own. Don't walk away and let her cry it out , it will confuse her and they aren't doing it on purpose it's what they know.
For the all out tantrums, I have sat on the floor by my daughter with my arms out and said I can give you a hug anytime you want, sometimes they just need to roll around and get it out and then come to you. Words are a lot of support if you can't pick her up right away too!

Don't know if this helps too much, but i used a lot of easing it in... For example, if i'm doing dishes and my daughter wanted to be held, i'd say 'I need to finish cleaning this dish, then i'll pick you up', and then follow through. Then i stretched it 'I need to finish these few dishes, and then i'll pick you up'. I think it helped that initially the time period were so short that i could handle the wailing, but gradually stretching them helped my daughter realize that she could, in fact, not be attached to me all the time. (Although we're facing this issue again right now, so we'll see how that goes.)

Another thing that helped is to let my daughter 'help'. I could sit her in her highchair, and give her a dish to 'wash' or 'dry'. Now i can have her stand with me and do the same, or stand on a step stool so she can reach the sink.

keep responding to her needs. she needs you! the fact that you are working part-time probably increases her anxiety, and when you are there she really needs your reassurance. the dishes and laundry can wait, or you can do them one-handed or with her in a carrier, or she can even "help"! don't walk away and let her cry. if she needs to express her feelings and just holding her doesn't console her, sit with her and hold her and empathize with her while she cries. Aletha Solter has some good books (tears and tantrums, helping young children flourish). i'd also make sure that the daycare or whatever situation she is in while you are at work is going well. there may be some issues there, she may need a different situation.

Hi N., I'm sure you will get some great advice from other moms on this. Not knowing much about your situation and your values, and what you want to instill in your baby girl, I'm not sure how to respond. But, I do want you to know how I dealt with it with my son. We ran into the same things. I was unsure how to start disciplining, and for what, and didn't want to do the wrong thing, etc. etc. We are now working with a Parent Coach (for last several months) and she is FANTASTIC! It's made a world of difference for us. The boy who wouldn't listen to me, who would yell, not cooperate in his highchair, etc. has turned into a truly wonderfully cooperative boy who listens and obeys. And best of all he's happy and our home is happier. Of course he tests, etc. but he knows the rules, and we know what to do! I highly recommend you check out her blog and consider using her services. It's made such a difference for us. Her knowledge and partnership are invaluable to us http://www.theparentpartner.com/

Hi N.,

I'm sorry, I don't have any magic answers for you. I have 2 boys, 2 and 3, and the second one is having a much more difficult time with "terrible twos" than the first one did. You obviously expect some tantrums, but this one is very willful and giving me a tough time. He loves to say no to anything I want him to do - even things that he really means yes to (like a sippy cup of juice). Some days everything is just a fight with him, from changing diapers to getting in the car seat. I am a big softie and sometimes feel like a push over when it comes to setting limits, but I watch super nanny and I'm trying to do better. One thing I have found is that sometimes you just have to let them cry it out for a little bit. Have you ever been stressed about something and just had a little cry and then felt much better? When you try to put her down to do the dishes just let her cry for a minute (or 20 seconds, or 3 minutes, you judge that) and then go back and give her a hug or toy and she will probably be much more receptive to what you want her to do. Same thing with going to bed, I just have to go out of the room and let him cry for a minute then when I go back in and tuck him in and cuddle he will (usually) stay there and go to sleep. Or try sticking her in a high chair with some snacks or toys to sit next to you while you work. I just try to keep reminding myself that it is all a phase, and they are testing you to try to learn what their boundries are. Good luck!

N.,

Oh My! This sounds like my little girl. At 16 months she started into her "terrible two's", she's now 27 months and there still doesn't seem to be any end in sight. *sigh*

In general, start giving her choices about clothes, shoes, coats, what-have-you. That should help some reduce some of her frustration. That really helped with my son when he was two; he's now 5 1/2 and as mouthy as a teenager (different can of worms though).

In specific, my daughter is also clingy if I'm in a room where she can't get to me. I put a gate up at our kitchen door and have told her things like: I'm sorry you're so sad, but I have chores to do. When I'm done with my chores I'll pick you up. Another thing I'd do with her if she was just inconsolable I'd put her in her high chair in the door way where she could see me and give her a snack. Or try to wash dishes while she napped, or after she went to bed.

Laundry was the same way. Only my daughter would rather take the clean clothes, fling them around and generally make a huge mess with what I'd just folded. The laundry I try to fold after the kids have gone to bed. Although now that she's 2 she's not quite as bad about messing with the laundry.

Time and patience and consistency. That seems to work the best when trying to change behaviors. It's ultimately better to do it now when she's one instead of when she's 6 and still doing this.

Another thought: let her "help you". Stick her on a chair and give her some plastic stuff to "wash". She may just want to be like Mommy and do what Mommy's doing. Same with the laundry, let her "fold" the hand towels and washcloths.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Put your baby at your feet, give her a toy and get your dishes done, fold laundry or what ever job you need to get done the pick her up right now she is in control and she know it.
Good luck Paula