My Wife's Family Is Driving Me Insane.

I can think of worse problems. If they want to help with education, have them open a 529 account for college. Helping buy a house, I too probably would stay clear of. Unless it's just a few thousand as a gift towards down payment. Kids can never have too many living grandparents. Sit back and be thankful. As far as more children, tell them that is a very personal decision.

Hi T.,

Well, it was a good vent, and now, what do you want to do about this?

As others have suggested, these are problems with in-laws so many of us would love to have. I would wonder, what is so upsetting for you in their wanting to do for your family? Do you feel they have any motive other than love or generosity, or is it such a stark contrast to your own family that it makes you uncomfortable?

Many of us who have terrible families of origin have to ponder this question when our own in-laws treat their own kids so well and are engaged and attentive in their lives. May I suggest that you have had to work so hard to prove that you could, in fact, make a success of yourself that it *is* hard to switch gears and just graciously receive what is being offered.

Maybe some counseling could help. It sounds as though your parents treated you terribly and there may be more healing and happiness to come.

As for the questions about more kids, let your wife talk to her folks if it really bothers you. Or come up with a pat phrase "oh, our girls are our hearts and our hearts are very, very full!" Acknowledge that you know they would love more grandkids to love up, and that your family also feels like it's just the right size.

I hope you feel better about these things soon.

forgive me, i'm not quite understanding why all this enthusiasm is so objectionable.
'our family is complete at the moment, but if we decide at any point to enlarge it, i promise you'll be the first to know!'
'aren't you sweet? if we need help house-hunting we'll holler, but really, we got this.'
'we've got an education plan in place, thanks. but if you want to put money into a college fund for the girls, that would make really wonderful christmas and birthday presents. thank you so much!'
'oh gee, i'm sorry, i must not have been as clear as i thought i was. we're not considering more adoptions at this point in time. we're VERY happy with our family as it is. as i said before, we promise to let you know if anything changes. oh, is that a new statue in the foyer? very impressive. i really like the way it ties in with your original van gogh over there.'
you can be gracious and appreciative while still being firm, and redirecting the conversation if it becomes insistent. follow your wife's lead. i'm sorry your family is being ghastly (shame on them) but don't let bitterness toward them taint the love and welcome you're getting from your in-laws.
khairete
S.

Your wife knows her family. I suggest you follow her lead and just smile and be nice. You do not need to convince them of anything. Be confident in your rrelationship with your spouse. The two of you make decisions about your life. You have control over how you feel about their suggestions. Smile a d say thank you. Then change the subject. As to more children they don't get to decide. Again smile and say we are enjoying these girls, aren't we?

You're an adult. Parents no longer have control over us unless we allow them to have control. I suggest you have unresolved issues related to your parents. Major life cchanges tend to bring them to the surface. I urge you to get professional help to resolve them.

It sounds like her family is really trying to welcome you to the family, and that is a good thing, especially where your own family doesn't seem to understand you.

And yes, as a grandma myself, I can see my self asking when more kids would be coming! (Sorry... that's just a grandma thing!)

I like the suggestion of the grandparents helping set up a college fund for the grandkids.... that is a way they can help without being too overbearing.

Also, I would just try to point out that the kids are still getting used to having new mommies, and that you need to wait a while before you look at the possibility of more kids.

I hope looking at your parents and siblings, you know your "problems" with your in-laws are good problems to have.

I would make sure you and your wife are on the same page about money and kids, and then follow her lead. She has more experience communicating with her family than you do, and if you have a strong relationship you should be able to trust that she will protect your shared point of view.

oh my word!! do you know we have so many people complaining about being broke and here you are complaining about people offering you help!!

okay...so what would I say to my in-laws for offering to pay for everything? I would say THANK YOU SO MUCH!! We've got this! If you feel **THAT** inclined to help, you may set up a trust for the girls for their FUTURE education.

As to your parents? Sometimes you just need to shake your head and move on. Obviously - you've talked to your mom or else you wouldn't know what she thinks. It's her loss if she refuses to see her grandchildren. If your daughters ask? Just tell them that she's not ready to be a grandmother and is having a hard time accepting it. I wouldn't lie to them and tell them she's busy or whatever. Just tell them she's not ready to be a grandmother.

Stop looking for trouble. Really. Thank your lucky stars that you have an extended family who WANTS to help and be involved.

Good luck!

First of all, congratulations on your new family status! It also must be a pretty overwhelming time. Having one child arrive in the family was an intense change for me/us, and I can only imagine how much more that is the case with having two arrive at the same time. I also can understand your reluctance to accept offers to pay for major items such as a new house or private school. Personally, the last thing I would want to contemplate after having two new children and being one year into a marriage would be moving! I also can understand you not wanting to feel obligated to the in-laws, wondering whether there will be 'strings attached,' and wanting to be self-supporting. Perhaps it would be helpful to have a conversation with your spouse about whether giving money/things is the way that her parents express love? And maybe they want to treat your family in the same way as they treat their other three children's families.

Rather than seeing it as the grandparents providing for your children (and implying you can't), perhaps you could see their offers as seeking to give something extra. You and your spouse have the basic needs covered; the in-laws add on extras. It is so important that they seem to accept and love you/your children (especially in light of your parents' behavior). That doesn't mean you have to accept their offer as is, especially if they are offering things which you and your spouse don't really want now. As other posters suggested, maybe you can find something else you want for which the in-laws could pay. Education funds for both kids will cost as much as private school tuition, and it will be a great relief to you later. Or maybe a special vacation? An expensive extracurricular activity which might be a burden for you two to pay for? I think the key is that they want to GIVE to you all, so it is important to find a way to accept the gift, even if you negotiate a bit in terms of what the gift IS.

Regarding the situation with your parents, my heart breaks for you. That is a terribly hard thing to encounter and deal with. I do wonder whether some counseling would be helpful for dealing with the pain, as well as with all the changes that come with having kids. Just a thought. Anyway, assuming that there is no history of violence or a restraining order saying you can't contact your younger siblings for some reason, I can't imagine any judge or court official who would allow a suit to go forward because you tried to contact your relatives! I encourage you to find ways to develop relationships with your siblings--they're probably going to be on Earth with you longer than your parents will.

Sending good wishes!

Come up with a way to smile and say, "We've got this" and move on to another topic. If you and she are happy at 2, then say, "We're happy with our family." Or "We're done with expanding our family." But whatever is said, the two of you need to be a united front, kind of like circling the wagons for your children. It's personal and it doesn't need to be discussed by everyone.

If the family tradition is for the grands to pay for things like education, because they can, you and your wife can say, "We appreciate the offer and the desire to treat our children like your other grandchildren, but it isn't necessary." She can tell her parents specifically, "I have a good job and we're doing well. We don't really need the extra help right now." Or suggest something that would work, like "Suzy is really into gymnastics. If you want to cover something for her, a few months of lessons would be a nice gift."

It sounds like you have different POVs on help and family, understandably. So keep talking to your spouse about what works for your family (you her and the kids) and if this generosity comes with strings, or is just an offer of love and acceptance, kind of like how in Italian families you might get asked if you are hungry. When you are the stable one that doesn't really need as much, it might be different and weird to them, too. Just be assertive without being rude and I think everyone will figure it out.

I would encourage you to rethink your response. The way you've typed INSANE in capital letters might be very indicative of how you're coming across in real life, not just on the printed page.

The way I see it, you have two really different situations: one set of parents who are very cold and who refuse to even meet two beautiful little children, and one set of parents who are trying to be helpful but who may be a little more intrusive than you'd like or are accustomed to.

It would be normal for you to grieve the loss of your parents' interaction in your life, your married life and the lives of your children. I'd be angry and sad. They have rejected you, they are trying to sue you, they are depriving your siblings of a relationship with you. How sad.

However, for your wife's parents to treat you and your wife and your children the exact same way as they treat their other children - well, that should make you feel joyful! Just think, they have not rejected you, they have not judged you, they have welcomed you and they insist on offering your children the same gifts they have offered every other grandchild. It sounds as though they made the conscious decision to include your adopted children into the family, and the decision to accept a family with two mommies, and that decision should be celebrated and embraced, not faced with feeling INSANE because they have money to offer and do so willingly.

Be thankful! Do not use words like insane. Use words like joyful, appreciative, happy, and loved. Ok, so they pry a little, they are assuming you'll want the same gifts that the other kids accepted. They're treating you like parents, like a family, like the moms of their new grandchildren. What a blessing.

Don't rock the boat too much. But it's ok to try to help them understand that perhaps you won't be sending your kids to the same private school that all the family has attended for generations, but you will certainly be preparing them for college and a college fund would be carefully tended to and appreciated. Tell them when you're ready to purchase a house, you'd love them to give their input and you'll be happy to listen to their advice but right now house hunting isn't something you're doing. Tell them that for now two children is what you're happy with, and that your family needs time to bond, but that you love that they're excited about more children and if and when the time is right, you'll tell them.

Don't think of it as "the grandparents being the ones providing for your kids". Rethink that. Think of how blessed your children are that their grandparents care. It doesn't detract from the fact that you are the kids' mom, that you're providing the love at night when they go to bed, that you're the one who will love them through strep throat and first day of school fears. It doesn't have to be "help", it can be "sharing" or "love".

This is not something to be INSANE about. This is something to feel loved by, and wanted, and welcomed and very very fortunate. Save the INSANE for those parents who won't acknowledge you, want to remove you from your siblings' lives, and who won't meet two innocent children.

Please, appreciate your blessings. Embrace these grandparents and in-laws.

I'm sorry, the only thing that popped out to me is that your parents want to sue you if you speak to your siblings. You know they can't sue for that, right - even if they are minors? Please contact your siblings if you want too. That has to be so infuriating and upsetting. I am so sorry you are treated that way by your parents.

Good luck with the in-laws! And take no money :)

Well, the more kids thing is a pretty common problem. Lol. I would just say, "we aren't looking to add to our family right now, but who knows what is in the future." Maybe you could say that you are giving the kids you already have a chance to settle in before adding to the family- it's a pretty legitimate reason not to adopt more right now. Depending on the age of the girls, it could take them a few years until they are 100% comfortable as a part of the family.

As for the money... I can see both sides. Maybe you can compromise, and let the grandparents set up a college fund for them? Then you get he satisfaction of providing for your family, and they get to contribute to their grandkid's future.

This is her families way of showing love.

I have lots of friends and they are all like this. I have such a hard time with parents who don't/won't help their kids even when they're grown. If you have the means you share what you've been blessed with.

I think you feel like they think you can't provide for your own family and that's why it's hitting such a sensitive nerve. They aren't going to turn on you and say "we gave your family all this help, you're worthless". That's probably the furthermost thing from their mind.

My friends that have grown up wealthy do this. They just see stuff and buy it for their family. Whether it's a new car or a new baby bed for a new baby.

I will also say this, not trying to be mean but realistic, poor people or people who've struggled with money in their life have issues with people who've been raised in a wealthy family. They're going to look at you like you're odd, weird, completely abnormal.

To them they're taking care of family and not giving our charity. They feel differently about money than those of us who've never had more than enough.

Congratulations on your girls and also on your anniversary! Its a really happy time, enjoy it. Beware of relatives offering money. My in laws did not care one thing about me until my son came into the picture, then suddenly they were interested. I was so glad that they finally wanted to get to know me. It took me 4 years to realize they are only interested in our child and not either of us. Also, about the money thing. They offered money for a house and we said we weren't ready to move. But then they offered money just to help out (and we did need it) so we said yes. Then a week later we were told there were "strings attached". It was horrible and now we have to honor those strings until we can buy our way out. We will never accept money from them again.

Even if someone doesn't say the words about strings, there always are. You have to be nicer, perhaps more accommodating than you're comfortable with, etc. Nicely tell them to set up a college fund and let them know that if and when you ever need help that you will let them know.

I think that those of us who grew up with dysfunctional families have a very hard time accepting anything from "normal" families. As a grandparent myself I know that I offer things, not to drive anyone insane, just because I love my grandchildren so much that I want them to have every opportunity in life. I do not expect anything in return. If I could afford it I would most certainly pay for my grandchildren to go to private schools. If you want your children to do so let them pay for it. If you don't want them to do those types of things just be honest. Really honesty is truly the best policy and it will keep it so that her family does not drive you insane and you will be more accepting of the things they want to offer knowing that it's not a control thing. It does not need to be a huge deal, let them love you and your children.

Also, it drives me crazy when I see things like your parents saying to stay away from the other family members and I personally would do just the opposite. Family is very, very important and I doubt your siblings feel the same way as your parents.

For the kids, this is so so common. People ask me when we are going to 'try for a girl'. I just smile and say "Our family is complete, thanks." Sometimes people (yes, even strangers) keep pushing and I just keep repeating the same thing over and over.

For the money, I can completely understand. Different families have different cultures with this kind of stuff. My family feels strongly that showing love is about everyday actions and they are very private about money - we don't talk about it at all. My husband's family shows love by buying stuff for each other. I've learned to accept the smile and nod method your wife suggests, and then channel their good intentions in ways that are ok with me. When they send the kids money for birthday (IMO, too large of an amount for very young kids), I put most of it into a savings account in the child's name, and give the child what my husband and I agree is an age-appropriate amount. If they insist on giving us $ for something we want to buy ourselves, we put the $ into our emergency savings account. And since we don't spend what they give us, if they start to act like there were strings attached to those funds, we can say without bluffing that we can give it back (I have to say, this has never happened, but it helped give ME peace of mind to know that it was an option).

One thing I will ask is how your wife feels about accepting help from her family. You say that your wife tells you that you have a hard time accepting help. Does that mean that when the time comes, she plans to accept her parents' offer to pay for private school? But you don't want to? I think that the rest of the family boundary issues can be dealt with fairly easily but that you need to make sure that you and your wife are on the same page about what is OK to accept, and what is over-the-top. If you don't work this out now, it could lead to marital discord for your family later.

ADD: Re. your parents and your siblings. If your siblings are NOT minor children under their household, and if you have had good relationships with your siblings, I would see if you have any attorney friends who can tell you what exactly your "parents" would sue you for - because making a phone call is not against the law, especially if your siblings are full grown and not in any way under their guardianship.

If your siblings aren't like your parents, and aren't under their guardianship, and you can't be sued for contacting them - go ahead and contacting them. They could be getting all kinds of BS info from the parental units, so contact from you may be very welcome. They need the truth.

ORIGINAL: Follow your wife's lead. And maybe a suggestion that might work, if you don't need "stuff", but love them, is to talk to them about "opportunity" gifts - taking the kids to the zoo, to the amusement park, to whatever. Family travel, whatever they like that will create FAMILY MEMORIES. That way, they're not just giving something to you, but creating something for themselves at the same time.

I feel for you. It's so hard to blend 2 families of such different backgrounds, styles, philosophies, etc. I agree with so much of what Anne L. said below - you've adjusted to not one but two beautiful children, and you probably just want to spend more time enjoying what you feel so blessed to have rather than focus on what's not provided (which your in-laws' overly-generous offers seem to emphasize).

You just want some basic acceptance and love - you don't get it, sadly, from your own parents, and they're trying to keep you from your siblings. So you yearn for family connection. Totally understandable. Your wife's parents aren't content to give you what you really want - they want to express themselves with money. Now, maybe they are trying way too hard and maybe (worse) they are putting emphasis on things you don't value (e.g. private school education) but maybe this is the way they know how to give. Your wife seems content to just ignore them and try to fend off some of the over-connectedness they are pitching. Perhaps her family is trying to "make up" for the lack of support you have from your family of origin? Not just the financial piece, but the emotional distance, not to mention the threats of legal action? Maybe they are just trying to show how supportive they are, they can't stop? It's not necessarily a reflection on your personal earning power.

I do think you can try to let your wife handle her family while you back off a little. It's not your battle to fight. I think a few stock answers that you and your wife agree on might help you stop struggling for what to say. A lot of people below have said things like "Thanks, we've got this." That's a start. If you are in a city/town with decent or good or excellent public schools, say so. I'm not sure why the in-laws are so hell-bent on private schools - if it's intense "get into college" pressure, there is no reason to think a) that preschoolers need to be doing college prep and b) that public school graduates don't get into great colleges anyway. There's a college for everyone. If your wife wants to tell them she's all set for now but of course you two do worry about college costs, and if they want to start a fund for college (or even unexpected expenses like extensive orthodontia), fine. Let the grandparents give you what they can in a way you can accept it. A lot of families try to "give away their estate" while they are alive so the adult kids get the benefit of it without losing a huge percentage to estate taxes - so if it's ultimately going to be your wife's money (divided with her siblings) there's no reason to wait until the parents die to accept it. But you don't have to be forced into a house you don't want or a private school education you don't support.

Meantime, you can handle your own family (and I have no idea why you can't contact your siblings if they are over 18 - your parents have no legal standing there). It's your parents' and siblings' huge losses that they have chosen not to get to know your wife and your 2 kids. They are damaged and limited, and it's their own fault. Many of us come from dysfunctional or downright petty families, but all we can control is our own path out of that nonsense and make sure we give our own children and friends the loving acceptance we have been denied.

So use some of the answers provided below ("we've got this" or "We're so happy with our new family now that we just can't even consider more children or a move but you'll be the first to know if we change our minds") OR let your wife handle them entirely by herself. That's okay! It might also help for you and your wife to carve out some time together without kids and even with a counselor to try to sort out your different backgrounds, discuss parenting styles and establish a plan for your beautiful children that you can firmly agree on so that other people's endless suggestions don't exhaust you or irritate you, let alone come between you. My spouse and I found it very helpful in dealing with each other's limited, irritating and pressure-wielding families.

Having kids (however you have them) is stressful and it puts a strain on a couple as they learn to be parents, and as they learn to take the "good" from their families of origin and toss out the BS. You two are having discussions now that you never had before, or if you did, they were hypothetical and now they are real. It's one thing to think about having kids, it's another thing to do it. Potty training and teething and picky eating habits don't sound so bad until you're in the middle of it. So all of us parents understand how hard it is in the trenches. It's okay to struggle with it and to have to work on it in your relationship with your spouse, and to have to deal with old hurts from your own upbringing. Your wife has figured out how to tune out her parents, but she's been doing that for 20 or 30 years, so you're newer at it. She's not going to be as in tune with what you went through with your own parents, so you probably can help her there.

Bottom line - you and your wife are lucky to have each other, and you are lucky to have these 2 children who need you so much. Everything else is secondary. You know that - you just need tools to deal with it. I know it's frustrating.

Going from a married couple to a married couple with children changes everyone's roles. It is a big transition and you and your wife have to figure it out for yourselves. Having more people in the picture can be more stressful :-) until you guys figure it out.

This will be an ongoing topic with your spouse that you both will have to work on. Stay united and establish the parameters you are both comfortable with. Let her present them to the family.

I think as you two are more comfortable with establishing your own family, your parameters will ease and you will see the insanity as a gift.

I think a child (children) can never have too many people to love her. It just needs to be discussed and defined clearly by the adults.

Ditto Suz T. And Diane B.

PS I think you should sue your parents for lack of frickin' common sense!

I would try to let comments roll of my back and let my wife handle her family as much as possible. If she is not stepping up them talk to her about it, but in the end I would try not to get in-between her and her family extended family. Maybe together you two can find the right words for her to say to get them all to back off a little.

I am sorry your own family is not accepting, but if there is any chance that any of these feelings come from jealousy then handle that however you need to before addressing the other issues. Counseling could be a good step.

Ditto Suz. She gave you the script.

It's hardly the worst in-law problem to have. Your parents are way worse. Sorry about that.

the problem with help from a wealthy family is all too often it comes with strings attached..they are willing to pay for the larger home for you and your family to live in..but, they will want keys to the house, so they can invite themselves over and tell you that they have already cleared the way for you to adopt a few more kids..you see where this is going ? they are willing to pay for private school for your kids, but they get to choose the schools..bottom line, the problem with letting wealthy grandparents pay for everything , is sooner or later, the kids get used to it, and when the grandparents die, and the gravy train leaves, the grandkids find themselves will caviar tastes and no way to pay for it. tell the grandparents, thanks but no thanks, wave goodbye to the gravy train and hello to living your life, your way..and if your siblings dont like the way you are living life, well boo hoo to them, you cant please everybody , and only a fool would try to. K. h.

Don't worry about them

Hi, T.,

First of all, if you are a DAD, you are not a mommy with your wife.

Second of all, the family has an issue if they want to control your life.

Thirdly, you have an issue to allow them to try to control your life.

What I am discovering now-a-days, many people do not have skills to be polite, yet set boundaries without getting distraught.

I suggest you get involved in a co-dependency program up there.

Good luck.
D.

T....did you come from a smaller family? Is your extended family close? Ok I have 2 siblings and we have a close relationship but they live states away. I understand what your saying my own mom has a tedencey to take over in conversation and discipline with my kids and so forth..this has been an ongoing thing with us for years. anyhow she is working on it. my in laws are now both passed away...however when we still had them in our life they were aloof about getting together. always canceling visits. my mil was really mean to me..she didnt curse at me but rarely had any kind words to say to me. your wife family is driving you crazy but they sound loving and kind. however i would talk this over with your wife. tell her your so happy you have the support of her family but your not comfortable of them constantly offering to pay for huge expenses. say it in a respectful tone. then sit down with your wife and her extended family and tell them. it is not a big deal for your to bring this up in conversation. stay calm.dont repeat yourself. say it once your point will come across stronger. good luck.

Whatever your reasons are, this is uncomfortable for you. Instead of just pushing you into the deep end, your wife should help you wade in. Instead, she is helping to create dysfunction by forcing you to be untrue to yourself.

If she is not capable of being a buffer between you and her family--allowing you space to warm up to them and how they do things (which won't really be complete until several years have passed)--then you are going to have to go ahead and stand up in their presence. You are going to have to back them off you, so you don't feel their pressure and won't begin to resent them.

Once my husband and I had been married six months, we went for a check-up. I think that you and your wife could definitely benefit from sitting with a counselor/therapy to help you get on the same page. What's going on actually makes sense for where you are in your marriage, no matter how long you were together before signing on the dotted line. It takes a little while to figure out the balance between the immediate chosen family and the family of origin. Becoming loyal to someone is easy when it's not challenged by somebody you've been loving your whole life. Only part of your issue is that you don't have a similar tug from your family of origin. You both recognize that you come to the table with two very different experiences. Do not hold them against each other. That's gonna be hard as you each try to mold the other to be more like you, the way that each of you thinks things should be. It's easy to figure things out when it's just you all the time. When other people actively influence your outlook--I'm talking about your side, too--it's more difficult to see clearly what to do.

Let somebody with experience help you walk through this, as you strengthen you rmarriage and get your immediate family in a good rhythm. Establish goals for your family--complete with boundaries--and walk that line. And keep in mind that the end of the line is a moving target. You'll never stop modifying your goals and plans.

ETA: What they're doing isn't necessarily wrong. It's just overwhelming for you right now. Coming from a different background and just a different group of people doesn't have to mean "better" or "worse". Nobody wants a new thing just shoved down his/her throat all at once, even if it's "good". That's just not healthy. And it wouldn't be healthy for you to ignore how this makes you feel and just follow your wife's lead. She handles it her way because she has history doing that. That may or may not be healthy for her, but it's certainly not healthy for you. You don't need to make a stink at all, because they aren't being ugly. You just have to learn the best way to back them off of you when they're nearing or crossing your boundary. Your boundaries will change as you get more comfortable with them. It's perfectly fine that you are not there already.

Sounds to me like the family dynamic on your wife's side is very different than your own. Her family views helping out financially as a show of love and acceptance. It's what they do and how they express that they care for one another. Perhaps they are going a little overboard in trying to show that they are accepting your daughters even though they are not "blood" related? I actually think that's really nice! Anyhow, it may be off-putting to you but I think you have to respect that every family is different. If you flat out don't want any monetary assistance from them, then your wife needs to intercede (since it's her family) and tell them no in a polite but firm manner. She can simply say that you are fine and don't require any help but that you will keep it in mind should you ever need their help in the future. Then she should thank them and move on. If they are insistent, then set up savings accounts for both of your kiddos and explain that all financial gifts will be deposited for use later on in life when they need it - i.e. when they buy a car or need spending money at college, etc. You can also suggest savings bonds as gifts instead of cash outright. Personally, I think you should be thrilled! I'd give a limb just to get an offer of help (not financial necessarily but spending time with me, helping me out with the kids, spending time together, etc.). Enjoy it!

Add: Donna S - you are assuming that this is a man talking; perhaps it is two women and that is how they are "mommies" together. Anyhow, also wanted to add about the "more kids" comments. That happens with everyone. 10 seconds after you are engaged, everyone wants to know when you are getting married, 10 seconds after you are married, they want to know when you are having a baby, on and on... It's what people do. You can either be blunt and say "This is it, we aren't adopting/having anymore" if you are 100% sure that is the case or you can simply say, "This is all so new/overwhelming/amazing to us that we can't even think about adding more right now/for now/for X years/forever."