Hello Mammas, I need your help. We just hired a nanny to care for our darling 4 month-old boy. She came with fabulous references and we were excited about her coming to work for us.
Here’s the issue: She’s a 68 year-old Eastern European woman with a very strong personality and very old-fashioned ways of doing things. She believes my son is too small. (I’ve checked with the doctor and his weight is OK). My plan is to feed him primarily breast milk for the first six months, or until he can start taking solids. Our nanny is VERY adamant that there is something wrong with my breastmilk and that’s why my son is under weight. She has told me repeatedly that my breastmilk is “watery” or that it doesn’t have enough fat in it. (I’ve seen the fat, it’s in there!) I have a healthy diet and have no reason to believe that there’s any issue with my milk.
The problem is that the nanny won’t drop the topic. We’ve had three discussions on the topic (actually, more like her TELLING me what’s best for my son). My husband has had one discussion with her as well, but she won’t drop it. She insists on feeding my son formula. And the worst part is, my husband is starting to agree with her. Against my better judgement, I agreed to an arrangement she made with my husband to feed my son two bottles of formula per day. Yesterday I came home to find all of my breastmilk in the refrigerator; she had fed him four bottles of formula! Today, she is again insisting that there is something wrong with my milk.
I’ve pretty much had it at this point. I appreciate her concern and her years of experience, but in the end, feeding my son breastmilk is very important to me, the doctor sees no problem with my son’s weight and I believe that she needs to honor our wishes. Suggestions are one thing, but it’s stressful to come home everyday to hear about my son’s “chicken legs” and how my milk is “no good.” BTW, the milk issue isn't the only issue that has come up. She has some very strong opinions about some other things as well. I don’t want to fire her, it was hard enough finding a nanny in the first place. I also feel that she is good with my son and he seems to like her.
Help mammas, any advice?
The woman is 68 years old and set in her ways. She is not going to change. Start looking for a new nanny.
Good luck.
I am much too familiar with this! Although, I had the opposite with my baby and her nanny. She insisted that my baby ate too much and she flat out refused to feed the baby! I told her that I was feeding her "on demand." She basically told me she woudn't do that and then had the audacity to complain to me that the baby cried a lot!! Duh! She's hungry! Needless to say, there was no choice, I had to find another nanny and quickly! That is what I did! If you live near Bolingbrook, you could share my nanny.....
Thank her for her opinion, remove all formula from the house, and instruct her to feed your baby breastmilk. And look for a replacement nanny!!!
Some of those "old timers" can be pretty militant!
(((hugs to you)))
D.
Hi K.,
Gosh, I read your email and I felt so sorry that you are experiencing this stress right now. Its hard enough with adjusting to the transition to work let alone having to duke it out with your caregiver and now it seems like the nanny's bullying techniques are working on your husband too.
I wanted to respond to this post as I felt so bad for you and this nanny's behavior really angered me. I have three children of my own, older now, you can see in my profile..I've been posting on this site now for 3 years now and the support the ladies give on this site is wonderful.
I have my bachelors degree in education and I have taught in early childhood for 13 years and also been a nanny in the summers for babies and children of all ages.
I currently teach and babysit for 2 families with young children. I share my personal background with you just to say that I feel my opinion has some merit and I hope my advice will help you in some way as you sort through your own feelings on the situation. I'm sure you will have nurses and lactation specialists and educated moms in general commenting on this situation to support your decision to breast feed. I personally have never met anyone as backward sounding as this nanny sounds and I have come in contact with many parents over the years.
K., your nanny is obviously not educated about child development at all. Your doctor should be able to tell you if your child is thriving and is gaining appropriate weight and I'm sure as your child's mother, you have a very good sense about his growth and development, his feeding ability and how many wet diapers a day he has and if he is reaching his developmental milestones and so forth. Between your knowledge and your doctor's, you two know best. I just spent a week in the university of iowa hospital with my niece in the neonatal intensive care unit. My sister n law passed away due to complications from prenatal pre-eclampsia. It is such a sad story.
Those mothers of preemies in ICU were encouraged to nurse by the staff and if they couldn't stay at the hospital, they expressed the milk and the nurses gave it to their babies. These are tiny preemie babies and breastmilk is the preferred method of feeding. Of course formula can be used and babies thrive on it, I'm not knocking formula. But breastfeeding is the preferred method and heck, that is also written on the darn cans of formula too! The formula companies continue trying to reformulate the formula to match all of the wonderful things in breastmilk.
Everything you stated the nanny has said just shows how uneducated she is. And definitely your post stated it correctly, she doesn't respect her boundaries and having you as her employer. Can you imagine completely disregarding your boss at work over and over again and expecting that to fly?? I think you would be fired pretty darn fast! This is the same thing. She is disrespectful and way out of line. Is this someone you are going to feel confident in sharing your day to day concerns about your child with over the next months and years?
My goodness, EVERYWHERE you read, it states breastfeeding is the best choice for nourishment for your baby. It is the preferred method of feeding for the baby. Of course there is nothing wrong with the occasional supplemental bottle and getting your child used to a nipple if you were to get sick or something like that but that milk that you express for the baby is like liquid GOLD.
So very important for the immune system and countless other wonderful things. How wonderful that you are doing this for your baby while you are working. Its the best gift you could give to your baby. That and having a responsible and educated caregiver to watch over him when you can't be there.
You know, I have to agree with all of the other posts, this nanny is determined to get her way with this and she is definitely in the wrong and WAY out of line. And I would imagine she has very defined (and backward) ways of thinking about a lot of things..which is most likely due to her lack of education on these subjects . You have already said she is challenging you on other things.
You want and deserve someone who is current and has knowledge of child development and overall child safety and child rearing. The frustration and/or loss of money you may experience by letting her go (if you are penalized in some way) is NOTHING compared to the safety of your child and your own peace of mind. You know K., this is downright dangerous to leave your child with someone who thinks and acts as she does. Don't endanger your child. Trust your gut and LET HER GO. Don't doubt your mothering instincts.
Good luck and let us all know how things go.
If she will ignore your requests on this issue and go behind your back she will do it on other issues too. Let her go and find someone who respects your parenting decisions and has the same values and ideals as you!! Good luck!!
fire her today. your breastmilk is fine and she's actually doing harm to your child, your sanity and your family relationships - your husband is listening to her over you.....you'll find someone better that works on your terms. she's your employee, not the reverse.
K.,
I agree with the other mom. I think at this point, that you should look for another nanny. There are many different types of nannies and you have to select the one that works for your family. Some nannies want to be the authority, while others will look for you to set the rules that you want in your house. It is very difficult to find a nanny, but ultimately, it is a person that works for you, so if it isn't working, start anew.
Being a working mom is stressful enough and I think that you need to have a nanny that you are comfortable with. If she hasn't dropped this subject, she will continue to be this way. She might have worked with more children, but you are the mother of this child and she should respect your wishes.
I have had my nanny for 3 and 1/2 years and am very lucky. Similiar to the other person, we have built up trust over this time period and we work as a team. I sometimes ask her opinion, but overall we go with my rules. This lets us have a consistent approach to the children that leaves them less confused.
Sounds like she is undermining your authority on how to raise your son. If your son's weight has been ok then there is no issue. I'm curious as to why you even have formula in the house at all if you are breastfeeding. Get rid of it! It's just a temptation for nannies, husbands, and MIL's! I know how hard it is to find a good nanny but some caregivers are breast feeding friendly and some are not.
Here are some other things to think about. If your nanny is complaining there is not enough fat in your milk...are you pumping until there is nothing left to make sure you are getting the hindmilk? When I used to pump, the fat in my milk always stuck to the sides of the container and our nanny had to run it under warm (not hot) water to get it all off. Does your nanny do this? Is your son at all sensitive to your diet (e.g. dairy, eggs, peanuts, soy, citrus, etc.). Is your nanny aware that breastfed babies are typically leaner than their formula fed counterparts? Do you have enough time to nurse your baby often (and on demand) when you are home to keep up your supply and also to see how he does after each feeding? This is especially important during growth spurts because he will need to nurse more often to increase your supply to meet his demand.
I had some issues with our first nanny and breastmilk but she was more on the compliant side. I did have to get rid of the formula in the house because she was using it in his cereal (he was older than your son at the time) and I would find all my precious breastmilk in the fridge when I got home :-(
Hope you are able to work things out. However, once your son is more mobile you will probably want someone who is willing/able to chase him around anyways :-). Good luck!
Oh I feel so bad for you. My advice, send this woman packing and don't look back. She's giving you horrible advice and obviously has no education about breastfed babies. I'm sure your son's weight is fine, breastfed babies tend to be smaller because they eat just the right amount with nutrients made just for their body. Please send her out the door before she causes you anymore un-needed and un-wanted stress.
K.,
your story reminds me of how fortunate i have been to not have to put my babies in the hands of somebody i didn't know very well. My mother took care of my first two when they were babies... and they went into a daycare when they were a few years old, and she got sick. Now I am home with my 3rd and 4th, sine my mother has since passed away.
The fact is, you are leaving your son in the hands of somebody who doesn't agree with the way you are parenting. I know you dont want to fire her... and it is very hard finding somebody you like, your son likes, and you mesh well with. What would you do if you were raising your son to eat healthy, or be a vegetarian based on your beliefs, and you found out she was taking him to mcdonalds and giving him cheeseburgers? what if you didn't like the fact that she didn't respect your religion and refrain from eating meat on fridays during lent?
honestly... this is just the beginning of things... if you are choosing to breastfeed exclusively and your doctor has not said there is any reason to supplement, don't let this woman sabotage your efforts... remember why you are choosing to do this and stick to your guns.
also... i may suggest, don't bring formula into the home. if you cannot get thru to this woman that in spite of what she believes, YOU are the mom, and YOU are her boss... then you need to find a new nanny.
look at it this way... at least now you know what questions to ask the next one, and it should make your decision to hire a bit easier... and quicker to weed out those who will fight you.
how do you fire her? it's tough... i dont envy you, but if it were me, I would just say 'look, i'm really sorry to have t odo this, our family appreciates your time and stability and constructive advice but at this time, we are going to need somebody who is more in sync with the way we want to raise our son. I am happy to give you a recommendation if it will help you find work in another home.' (Word your recommendation carefully though...)
good luck to you... but don't compromise your desires for her clearly intrusive style of raising children her [outdated] way.
that's my .02 :)
WAY over the line! It's not her business or decision. Do NOT have formula in your house and make she doesn't bring any in (allergy issue could arise too if she does) or better yet, FIRE HER. I was a nanny and wouldn't dream about challenging a parent, especially the mom! As a fellow mama and breastfeeding mama, I do have to ask why are you hesitating at all? There are wonderful nannies out there that will respect you and your sweet "chicken leg" baby, I promise.
Wow. This lady has a lot of nerve. I would fire her and not recommend her. She doesn't need your recommendation anyway. Tell her look, it's my way or the highway, you decide. Trust your instincts and your doctor. My daughter was tiny, really tiny but I continued to breast feed. Now she is healthy, happy and really smart, even if I do say so myself! This woman may have alot going for her but following instructions is apparently not on her skills list. If she underminds you on something as important as what to feed your child, maybe she cannot really be trusted on anything. Good luck but remember the reason you choose to breastfeed and stick to your guns. YOU are the parent. YOU get to decide.
First of all I was a live in nanny with the same family for 5 years. I would never dream of going against my families wishes and I would not give my opinion unless it was asked of me. Second of all he's your son talk to your bubby again about it and then GET THAT FORMULA out of you house. If the problem still persists I would say start looking for another nanny. I know the good ones are hard to find but your the parent and the boss!!
H.
I agree with everyone else. When we were interviewing nannies my husband and I decided the candidates fit one of 2 types of personality traits -- domineering and compliant. It was clear from these interviews that we did not want a domineering nanny. It is hard enough knowing that someone else is taking care of your child during the day, but when that person is pushy and domineering (which we are not), it's got to be unbearable. Even though some of the domineering nanny candidates came with great references -- we decided they were not the right fit for us. The nanny we hired is the nicest and sweetest girl and tries to do everything they way I tell her to. I'm sure the right nanny for you is still out there.
Hi K.. Obviously your story has gotten a lot of responses and I can certainly understand why. First off, you are a new mom (so am I) and it's not easy to make decisions. Use your instincts, as it sounds like you are and do what you (and your husband) feel is best for your child. If you baby is gaining weight, he is OK.
Fire this nanny! She's sounds horrible...it's so difficult putting your trust into someone when you go back to work, that having a nanny who doesn't follow through on your instructions is bad news. The first nanny doesn't necessarily mean your last even if she did look good on paper. It can be difficult to think you have to start at square one again, but think of this as a learning experience. Remember, you are the employer and she is the employee, try to put in context of you and your boss - would you ever talk to your boss like that and keep defying them? You also have to be realistic that the nanny isn't you and will never do things 100% to your liking.
Good luck with your decision!
I'm sorry K., I know how hard it is to find the right person to care for your son. But, this lady isn't it! You would be doing the best thing to let her go. I have been doing daycare for years (I was a private live-in nanny for 2 years, and now I run a small daycare in my home)and have never told a breastfeeding mom I would give their baby formula. Kids are all shapes and sizes, and if your doctor doesn't have a problem with his weight than why should she. I actually formula fed my own daughter, but I know that breastfeeding is great for both mom and baby, and she should be respectful and supportive of your decisions. Your nanny should be a supportive figure for your family, not a divisive one. Please look further. Consider trying to find a home provider maybe, so your son can be around other kids and you have the benefit of the other parent's to bounce stuff off of. If you are set on a private nanny maybe someone who is younger and not so inflexible. Good luck, sorry you have to go through all this trouble.
K., My daughter has always been thin and I have gotten a lot of grief from my mother about how small she is, but she has been in the 30th percentile for weight since the day she was born. If your son is not looking for more milk after a feeding, if he's gaining weight and your doctor says he's fine, if YOU feel that he is perfect...then HE IS!! Do not let this woman push you around and I would suggest that you keep her from discussing this with your husband if at all possible. The last thing you need is to have her influencing your husband who I'm sure is very intelligent, but we all know that it's the mother who instinctively knows what's best for her child. The father is more influenced by outsiders. I know my husband is!! Plus you do not want her to cause tension between you and your husband. She has no right to keep pushing the subject. Ged rid of the formula. Let her know that if she persists, she will be terminated. If she is this adamant about this subject, other issues will come up later and unless you have a "nanny cam" you don't know what she is doing with your son when you are not there. Be sure you can trust her to follow your instructions. You may want to interview some other nannies just in case you need to fire her. At least have a back up plan.
Wow! Your nanny sounds like my MIL with my firstborn. She insisted my milk was too watery and that I was purposely starving him!!! She would not give up on this and it left me feeling frustrated and confused. I started to wonder if she was right but I kept exclusively BF him anyway. I was right. Your nanny is WAY OUT OF LINE! Be strong and stick to your guns. Hide the formula so that she only has one choice when it is feeding time. Tell her that you appreciate her input but you are the mom and you are doing what both you and your pediatrician feel is best for your son. Let her know this is the last discussion on this subject. Period. If she sneaks in formula for your son then let her go. She is being extremely disrespectful to you and you should not have to put up with this nonsense, especially after three talks on this subject. BE STRONG :)
There's plenty of good advice here, but I just want to add my two cents: YOUR MILK IS GOOD!!! In fact, it's the best that you could give your baby. There should be no argument there from your nanny, or your husband, for that matter- even the formula companies don't argue that! Does your nanny know better than everyone else in the world- including you, your doctor, nature (the whole point of breasts is for feeding our babies!)?!?
If that's her attitude now, and you give in to her, it only fans the fire of her defiance and will only strengthen her resistence to following your method of parenting verses hers in the future.
I guess that was more like eight cents, but stay strong- you know what's best, and remember YOUR MILK IS NOT ONLY GOOD- IT IS THE BEST!
(By the way, my healthy 8 and 4 year old kids had chicken legs too, and my 4 month old still has them :D !)
Hi K.,
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Finding a caretaker for your child is stressful enough and now you have to deal with this? Bottom line is YOU are the mother and YOU make the decisions as to how she takes care of your child. If you are starting off on this foot it will likely be the tone since you've expressed your opinion and she's not dropping it. It doesn't mean she's not a good nanny per say, it means she's not working well for you. Given that you've had repeated conversations I would personally let her go. I've only had one nanny and I am constantly aware of how lucky I am to have her. She offers her expertise (she knows volumes more than me) but always respects how I want things done. She would never push if I stated how I felt. She has been with me for 3 years and the family I share her with for over 10 years. I trust her 100% with my children and our home - she has EARNED my trust and respect as well as my husbands (and that's not easy to do!) You can find someone you can build a good relationship with - this woman is not willing to do her part in building trust with you - that in my book is a deal breaker, especially when it concerns your children.
I just re-read your post - she is way over the line and causing stress you don't need. I would replace this woman and I would do it quickly. You've been more than fair. Good luck!
First off, no way on an "agreement" where you give formula. No way. You are the mother and you decide, not the nanny.
Secondly, you are going to have to fire her.
Immediately. Not just over this issue which is bad enough but how about later when you don't want your son to have certain foods or you want him on a certain nap schedule, etc. It is totally unacceptable that she would ignore what you say.
Also, giving formula is not just a one time change- having formula changes the baby's gut- it affects how his body digests and processes things and which bacteria are in his body. I formula fed my own kids so I am not down on formula, but it is a major shock to the baby's system.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you will need to find a new nanny. Sorry for your troubles.
wow. i can't believe you'd even consider keeping her.What else is she going to decide is best for your child against your wishes?
Hi,
Its tough being a new mom. You start to question everything you are doing and when people are pushy, you feel even worse. But remember YOU are the mom!! I would get rid of that nanny. Good references and highly recommended or not, you should not have to butt heads with her. Breast milk is definitely the best for your baby and if thats what YOU want to do, then that's what you will do. Don't get the baby hooked onto formula if you want to nurse him. One, your supply will go down and second, he may even stop taking breast milk. She may be good with your son, but she needs to be good with you too. A nanny is for the family's peace of mind. The fact that you are even questioning this, is an indication that you are not comfortable with it. Hang in there. You'll be fine and put your foot down. Even if it means having to find a new nanny or telling her that she's not the mom. Your milk has everything your baby needs.
Good luck and come back here if you need more support.
Aarti.
Let her go!!! If she disagrees with you on this topic, there will probably more topics in the future and she seems like she is going to do whatever she wants. Good luck.
reading your story makes me angry. this woman needs to be fired. you know what is best for your baby and if you want to breastfeed exclusively GOOD FOR YOU and screw her! Buh-bye!!
K.,
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. This nanny is overstepping - you are in charge of what she is to do with your child, not her. By her giving your baby formula instead of breastmilk, she is messing with what he needs also. Did you find her through a service? Most of them will replace the nanny at no extra cost in a situation like this.
If your child's weight is okay with your doctor I hope you will trust your instincts and dismiss this nanny as soon as you possibly can - her attitude sounds unhealthy to me.
I know it is very difficult to find a good nanny. I actually know of someone very good (in her 20s, college student) who is just starting out as a nanny, (although she's done lots of child care) she is in the interview process with some potential parents right now - but for Chicago she would need either a live-in arrangement or some other residential assistance; send me a private message if you want to know her contact info.
It is difficult enough returning to work after being a new Mom, you do not need this too! At 4 months, your little guy will accept a replacement caregiver with little or no problems.
best of luck,
W.
