I am the mother of 3. My oldest is 7 and has high-functioning autism(very bright, skilled, but has a very rough time workingthrough emotions. My daughter is 4 and is very bright(too bright) and spirited, to put it nicely. My 2 yr old is wonderfully/terribly 2.
A friend of mine recommended a "Fix it Plan" recently. We are trying it with our kids and I am suprised at the results.
What we are doing is a 3 step plan.
1. What's the problem
2. How does it make me feel
3. How can I "fix it"
It was recommended to me to write each of these down with the child. Perhaps with a small dry-erase board. It may work verbally though, depending on the child. It is really important and helpful for the child to answer these questions.
I find that I have to offer some help on the 3rd one.
You can offer tokens for each successful "Fix it Plan" to eventually recieve a small reward.
With luck you may even get your daughter's teacher on board with the plan.
The plan offers much needed space between the child and the problem, time to breathe and cool down. They feel that someone is hearing them and understanding how they feel. They learn how to better identify their emotions and the emotions of others. Best of all they are learning, and coming up with positive replacement behaviors.
The big problem with punishing a child for a negative behavior is that they are rarely given an appropriate replacement behavior. Yes, most children know what they are not supposed to do. Do they know what they are supposed to do? Life is about choices. How can we expect little ones to come up with apropriate responses to rage when most adults don't know how to react. Punishing them for their rage also just adds fuel to the fire and makes them feel even worse.
If my kids make a really unhealthy choice, like hitting, we do still enforce time-outs in a chair to think, and sometimes they go up to their room until they calm down and are able to do the plan. They do have to learn that unhealthy choices have consequences. But they are in trouble because they made a bad choice, not because they are bad.
Everyone gets angry, that's not always a choice. How we express our anger is though. Give your daughter appropriate ways to express her anger. Give her lots of healthy choices.
I am amazed at how much my kids cool down just while working on the plan.
Right now I have to innitiate the "Fix it Plan", but I am hoping soon my kids will be able to let me know when they need one.
My son also likes to read "When I feel Angry", written by Cornelia Maude Spelman, ill. by Nancy Cote. I ordered it through Scholastic. He picks it out for a bedtime story when he has had a rough day. It's a great read. It explains very well what anger feels like and all of the appropriate ways we can work through it.
Good luck with whatever you try. You will find something that works for you daughter.